What can I do if my sister and her children are stealing from my elderly mother?

Adult Protective Services will do NOTHING if they find an adult to be competent, and no one will do a dang thing if she is being manipulated through lies and ends up giving all her money away. They all say it's her choice.

I'm very sorry this has happened. My sister does the same thing.

This sounds very familiar. I have a sister who gave me the feeling that she'd been stealing from our mom over an extended period of time. She wanted full control of our mom's assets despite me witnessing her yelling louder than a group of angry people at my mom because my mom frustrated her. Sis tried to "manage" mom's care by leaving her at home where she wanted to be but this came at a price. Found out too late that she'd drained various bank accounts and our mom's monthly income and there wasn't anything left. Do not let this happen to your parents! Speak to them when they are reasonably healthy, speak to them when they seem as if they don't NEED help! There may be arguments because that's how parents with adult children often are, but arguments until you all can settle the dust and name TRUSTWORTHY folks for the various aspects of care (AND have checks and balances in place) will be far less painful than finding your parents have been exploited...by so called loved ones!

how do you stop my sister that is POA from stealing a lot of money every month from my mother

what if POA is stealing from the mother that has dimentha

Carolrose, it's hard to say. It is almost always better to have a separate account for the Social Security checks, and a formal caregiver/rent agreement in place so that all the expenses from that person's check are clearly for their care and benefit.

It sounds like Sis is short of funds and does not want to admit it. Are you sure there are no life insurance policies that will help cover it?

Can a poa be changed without all parties aware

LynnPo's response is partially correct. Having a POA gives you certain rights, but not all. You can't file charges on their behalf since you are not the victim.

She is also very incorrect in advising you to follow what she did, i.e., moving her nephews things out of the house and changing the locks. That is illegal and can get you arrested. If you are evicting someone, you must go through the courts and do it with court orders or you are opening yourself up for arrest. Your nephew has rights.

Why was he living with grandma? Was he caring for her? We're not getting the whole story. Once again, don't move anyone's things out of the house or you subject yourself for arrest.

If you want to move your grandmother out while you are evicting him, that's fine and legal, providing that grandma wants to go with you. A restraining order is NOT an eviction order which can only be posted by a clerk of the court or a Sheriff's deputy.

It's okay to take the bull by the horns but don't do it illegally.

I am currently going through this with my brother, who, while she's been in the hospital for two months, he has used her deibit card to cash checks at the grocery store. Thanks for the informaion! My Mom is still in the rehab facility, and we're trying to get this straightened up before she goes out.

Grandmother is 99 years old. There are only two of us Grandchildren. Me 55 and Sister 53. Younger sister has Power of Attorney somehow. Grandmother says she never signed papers for anything. Grandmother was moved form Texas. Now in Rest home in San Diego County. My younger sister put a restraining order on me so I could not see, talk or be near her or Grandmother for 2 Years. So she does not have to talk to me or be held acccountable for any wrong doings. 99 Year Old Grandmother is beside herself with grief. I do talk to her on the phone and she says she is very nervous and very upset that she does not get mail, there is no checks and balances, so sister is blocking me from any information pertaining to her estate . Grandmother asked me to find out what she is doing? She has money scattered everywhere she sais and she realizes my sister and Stepfather took my Mothers Estate and will do it again. Yes, I trusted sister with Mothers Estate and was given nothing. Now I am in the same predicament with 99 Year Old Grandmother. I always felt that if I asked private matters financially that was rude, Now i find my Granmother has been waiting for many years for me to ask. I asked her today what should I do and she told me: " she trust me and please help her find out what my younger sister is doing concerning her estate". Grandmother is in a senior manor down the street from sister and her accountant husband who by the way told me:" he would be investing Grandmothers money"," she didn't know what she was doing".Well she has done very well from what she told me. What can I do? I am poor while sister drives a mercedes and ownes many homes and on and on.Can anyone help me?

MY elderly dad is living w/me. We put his ss check into our account. We pay all his expenses ie his life ins, health, food, clothing, anything he needs. He has about 500.000 left per month that just stays in there and goes toward the house. Is this acceptable? He is 93 years old w/alz. I take care of him w/no help. We have no funeral money set aside. My sister said that because i have his ss money she should not have to pay half of the funeral bill when the time comes. My husb and I dont think thats fair, cuz if he werent here, he would be in a nurs home, Or someone wold hve to pay someone like me an hourly wage around the clock to take care of him. Please tell me who is right. We needed that extra money of his SS to run the house, so we felt we could use it because I take care of him, we cant take vacations and I am dedicated to him as if a job. Am i respsonible for his entire cost of funeral because I have been using part of his SS money and not putting some of it away? I dont have the money for the funeral now....but could come up w/half. What do I do? I explained everything to her and she knows all I do, but she wont sway from her story. Thankyou. Carol

I have the same problem and I called adult protective services and so far after three times I contacted them they have done absolutly nothing not a look not a peek not a gander just about everything to do with nothing period so dont count on them. sorry but facts are facts.

My sister is POA and recently sold my mother's house at mother's request. She took the profit from the house and put it in a bank in her home town in another state, (her daughter is a vice president of this bank). My sister requested that my mother not go to the closing of her own home; and my mother complied. My mother told my sister (I heard her say it) that she wanted the money in her own bank because she has been banking there for years. I don't know what to do, Mother demanded that my sister transfer the money to her bank, but what if my sister doesn't do it; I am devastated and I don't know what to do! My family and I are taking care of mother because we love her, not for any money. Please help!

I'm sorry this is happening to your family.I caught a caregiver stealing from my dad.The head caregiver knew about the other one lying about her hours,started off small and got more and more.My brother had POA but did nothing about it.The lady had a long rap sheet in several different states and had two probation officers,my brother who was a district attorney didn't even bother checking her out and seemed to get pissed at me for having her arrested.She was attractive,so I think my brothers could only see that.I asked if it was stealing and not gifting because my dad was generous with me as he was with many people,but one brother got mad,because as he stated the gifts weren't distributed equally-this brother never showed any interest what so ever until inheritence time-then he accused me of stealing since 1982 and went back that far-trying to prove it.I had a joint account set up with my dad for ck writing since the early eighties,when that failed for them,they started saying it was being misused.They went through everything with a fine tooth comb and came up with us eatting food at my dads and using his washer and dryer.Even though I was buying food for the caregivers to eat ,we were not suppose to eat ourselves according to my absent brothers.I was the one who was on duty 24-7.THE cash in the house should have been removed long ago.,after the ck. book incident I kept it on me.Parents do not make it easy to take care of them.I had a old school buddy that never amounted to much, but she was the baby of the family and that woman overlooked everything that girl did,she was a druggy,a drunk,she stole-the girl was a white woman who thought she was a black man--but her mom still looked at her like that cute little 8 year old when she was a middle-aged drug addict.That mom had a connection to her screwed up daughter some how.The more the other kids complained the more the mom tried to take up for her.Sometimes I think the parent feels responsible for the screwed up kid,because they did raise them.I can think of other situations where the older parent,is partial to the one perceived as picked on.Letting it be known that finances are tight and the money needs to be handled carefully is a good start-I'm worried that the legal system will let you down and backfire on you.In my area after my dads death,things starting disappearring,everytime I would report the thief or vandilism to the cops,they ignored it-thinking it had to do with my brothers and our problems.Someone even stole the metal fully enclosed carport during broad daylight-the cops just figured it was part of a sibling rivalry.Anyway you chose to handle it will be a touchy situation.If I had it to do all over again,I would have a nanny-cam on when I wasn't present to see what was going on and being said.I learned later that my dad gave money to people outside the family[all you had to do was ask apparently-I would have sent a certified letter to my brothers explaining me and my dads situation and asking for help.That would stop the he said she said thing that has been going on now for 3 years,once someone is gone a person can say anything and the parent is no longer around to admit to it or not.I'm still in shock how the legal system and people with no knowledge of us what-so-ever rewrote our life.The law is not on the side of the honest guy.Laws are made by lawyers,lawyers do not get rich off of good honest people,lawyers get rich off of crime and corruption.Does your sister have a drug or gambling problem?If your sister can't pay back the money,can ya'll not work it out of her,having her do the chores or errands or something.Does she have any loyality or compassion for your mom at all-if you think she is a total threat,I would let it be make known-you don't want to sound like sour grapes and things backfire.I hope ya'll can work this out as a family[as i'm sure your mom would want] and lett the legal system find another source of income to pray upon.We wish you well and keep us informed,we learn from everyone.

Its always been stealing. When she was younger (sister) used to steal her check book and write check all over town. When they started bouncing my mom would go around town paying them off instead of making her take responsibility for her actions. A few years ago mom was saving to go to Florida, that money disapeared one day and she refused to believe my sister would have stolen her travel money even though she was the only one at the house that day! My mother insisted her daughter would not have done that to her and someone must have broken into the house. See a pattern here? BTW, My brother and I gave her money to spend on her trip.

JOHNSON:

Listen to LUVMOM! As POA, keep some pocket money and only one debit card in YOUR possession in case of emergency. Everything else can be deducted from her bank account. ... And as BMC suggested, do call APS. Hopefully that'll scare the living daylights out of them.

-- ED

If some one is a responsible adult,and it has been going on for years,why is it stealing.There is not a law that a parent has to gift equal amounts to all the kids.Now that the parent is elderly,they are probably out of touch with their finances.The last thing a old person needs or wants is a bunch of hate between their offspring .

I've read about this sort of thing in a book written by a lawyer who found it is impossible to protect a parent in this situation because they will not testify against the person nor charge them with a crime. This is a sad case where we expect way too much of the victim. The laws need changing to protect the elderly better than that.

Wow, thanks for all the input and words of encouragement. We are meeting this week to make a decision. To answer a few of you, no, we do not want a relationship with my sister after mom is gone, she had been ripping mom off for years and we couldn't do a thing about it because my mother was a responsible adult. Now that she is elderly and the theives continue to steal what little money she has, we finally can do something. Unfortunatly it may also hurt my mother because for some reason she still believes the low lifes "wouldn't do that to me" and she doesn't want them in jail. But we have to do something, this cannot continue. Thanks again!

I think that your mother will continue helping your sister because she perceives her as the "weak" and "needy" one. One of my aged relatives got completely broken to give money to her son who was a drug addict, for years and years. (she was completely in denial that her son was a drug addict, but I think whe would have given him money anyway). So I think you have to find a way to protect your mother without expecting too much collaboration on her side, because she will always try to help your sister... What a story, I'm so sorry.

YOU NEED TO CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THEM ARRESTED. PERIOD. That is as low as you can get to steal from an ailing elderly person. I wouldn't have ANY compassion on them, would you let a stranger come in and take her money? Absolutely not, just because these characters are "family" doesn't mean you have to stand by and watch them abuse your Mom. If it were me, I would call the police on them and then when they got out smash their teeth in.

If you have PoA then you CAN file charges and get a restraining order on her behalf; mom doesn't even have to know about it. You CAN have her income direct deposited to another account controlled by you or your brother - just contact the payor and get the proper forms to them. Be prepared to send notarized copies of your PoA documents. Once the income is controlled, you can pay all her bills and give her some cash. Be forwarned though - you HAVE to do this in such a way that sister doesn't talk mom into changing the PoA. If possible, ask Mom to visit you or your brother for an extended period once you begin controlling the $$ - this way sister is on her own and can't talk Mom into changing anything.

Adult protective services is a good idea because the sister and her blood sucking spawn will get on the "legal radar". That said, don't expect a lot because there are so many people who need help and are in worse situations than this.

If they can't get at your mom's $$ the next thing will be to sell what ever they can. If possible remove any valuables - car, antiques, jewelry, etc. to your home or a storage unit. Here's what a friend did with her mooching nephew and her mom, it's a little different situation since nephew/grandson was living there but it might help.
- got ALL mom's mail forwarded to daughter
- got all mom's income direct deposited to an account controlled by daughter
- removed all checks, credit cards etc from the apartment
- take grannie to son's house for weekend visit
- while grannie was away and nephew was out for a while, she changed the locks on the house & garage then moved all of his things into the car port.
-post copy of restraining order on doors to house
- she found nephew and gave him $1000 cash (so she could honestly tell mom she didn't put him in the street with nothing) and told him his things were in the carport for pick up
- told him she has restraining order to keep him from grandma and her business
- moved grandma to assisted living after applying for medicaide help to pay the rent

In the end, grandma was happy to have him gone even though she told everyone else how helpful he was before he was kicked out. You have to decide what sort of relationship - if any - you want with your sister and her kids after your Mom is gone. I've been through the very same thing with some cousins and I don't regret a day that i don't see them. They would have sucked their parents and our grandparents dry if we'd let them. You CAN decide NOT to have people like that in your life.

I am not usually so brusk and forceful myself, but I mean come on! Stealing from an elderly person is so crass. We keep accounts to the penny of my grandfathers funds and when he is gone you can see what went where when. It just isn't in my background stealing. I once found a dollar on someons lawn when I was ten and went and asked at the house if they were missing one...They said no so I kept it, I wasn't gonna canvas the block!

You Go Jsomebody I agree! What are they going to do , get a laywer? ha! The POA has to take charge in cases like this and no one can hurt you, just do it and dont be afraid!! Best of luck!

Confront them, make them ashamed of themselves, lock all cash and valuables in a safe or lock box. monitor all there visits or deny them access to her till they make amends or will stop being common thieves.

Call the cops. Don't do like I did with my two sisters and try to talk them out of being charged. They got off scott free and the counth took over my mother's affairs, both personal and estate, and stuck me with her 24/7. A slavery agreement for room and board and $10 day. And siblings angry at me for ratting. Deadbeats. You have a mess there, do not enable them...

I would cancel the debit cards right away and talk to your Mom. Can she understand? Tell her you/she can get the bills taken out automatically from her account, my Mom did that right before the dementia came in. Maybe your siblings need drug money or something? I doubt you will see it again but you need to have a heart to heart with your mom that maybe the money is for something hurting them. Either way, if you are the POA, its up to you to take over if your Mom isnt that competent. Maybe she will let you set up automatic withdrawal for bills .Cancel that debit tho and keep cash OUT of the house!!!

You need to call APS (Adult Protective Services)... they will investigate and prosecute if necess ary. Your sister and niece are abusing her and they need to be stopped. This type of behavior usually does not stop with family, and will continue with others that she can manipulate. Even though your mother knows, and doesn't stop it, they are still stealing. Your mother is not giving her money away, they are manipulating her into giving it to them with the cancer lies, etc. You have to stand up for your mom because there are not many moms who will go against their children... like you said, she doesn't want to get them in trouble. And even if she doesn't want them in trouble with the law, they should be in trouble with her. It's as if your child took $5 from your purse without asking because she wanted ice cream. Either way, its stealing and if they don't learn the lesson of right and wrong, it will continue to grow into something much bigger.

The problem with calling the police or social services is our stupid legal system. Unlike with child abuse, we expect the elderly adult victim of abuse or theft to say "that is who ____ to me" An't going to happen for the elderly become far too dependent to do that.

Since you have durable POA, it might be good to talk with her dr. to get her evaluated about being competent to conduct her own business in a business like manner plus explain the need for her to trust you the most since she entrusted you with the POA. I'd also ask him to put his evaluation of not being competent to handle her business in the form of a notarized letter. I have two of these for my mother's protection. The doctor never actualy used the word incompetent, he just kindly encouraged her to now trust me to take care of all these things for her. On the other hand, and probably a bit riskier, would be just have all of your mother's bills sent to you by informing all such persons of your POA and request it get sent to you. If your sister asked any questions just tell her you are taking care of your mom's financial well being as she entrusted and authorized you to with the POA. That's my 2 cents worth of input for this Monday afternoon.

Thanks, didn't realize about the medicaid. We did get power of attorney, but she insists on paying her bills herself. I guess you could say she is giving it away because she doesn't put a stop to it, but they (sister and niece) always find ways to get it. Mom has no money except what she gets from SS. My brother has her debit card now but I don't know for how long. Anyway, do we call the police, socia services or a lawyer?