Anyone had success in dealing with a hypochondriac / munchausen parent?

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Anyone had success in dealing with a hypochondriac / munchausen parent?

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Yes, a Psychiatrist will never be our mother's best friend, she has apoplexy at the mention of family counselling to help improve communication between everyone and setting up a a support network, so that a family member can support her at doctors visits. Our mother has CAPACITY, to choose what she does, who she allows to go with her and receive accurate information about her health. Our mother has CAPACITY to drive herself and us crazy, chances are, we are the ones seeing psychologists and psychiatrists before she ever will.

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Absolutely, it is a mental disorder and it would help if the person accepted treatment for it. Unfortunately, when someone has reached their elder years and refused to acknowledge they have a mental disorder, then the chance of them agreeing to treatment is minuscule.

The good news on the other hand, the caretaker can get professional help to learn how to detach in a loving way, set boundaries and not enable the behavior. This is the same for anyone dealing with a family member who has a mental disorder, young or old.

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I agree with Vstefans. Many times, the person is not purposefully lying about physical ailments. It's a mental disorder at work that is causing them to REALLY feel sick, pain, etc. They aren't knowingly making themselves sick. I have a couple of family members with forms of this condition. One was diagnosed with CONVERSION disorder. He was actually having seizures and blindness from the anxiety! Meds and some therapy helped a lot!

But for most patients with these type of disorders, it's difficult to get them to admit what it is. They do NOT want to see a psychiatrist or take meds for it. I think the best we may be able to do is to get them to a regular doctor who understands what is going on and put them on meds for anxiety/depression. Then have them stay under the GP's care.

I have dealt with it so much, that when I get sick or have a pain, the first thing I ask myself is whether it's real or is my anxiety causing it to happen. I think it may have rubbed off on me! I think this kind of things does run in families.

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...then there are the medical costs and time consuming Dr. visits in all of this. The way our medical system is set up encourages this behavior. It can take up to four appointments to even begin diagnosis let alone treatment. One to the primary care physician, the next a consultation with the "specialist', then the labs or testing, then the return to the specialist to discuss test results. We are not even at the treatment stage yet! This is for just ONE complaint. With my Mom there are always numerous issues. THEN add on the fact that so many of our parents don't drive.... What a mess.

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My mother is 82 and is about the same as your mum. I have decided to do NC ( no contact) as I am tired of the 'cry wolf' syndrome, I have run about caring for her for the past 20 years, she has given me a lot too, but expects double, triple in return... then (through cousins, siblings, I am hearing that my mother is speaking ill of me, that I am not visiting, etc)I work full time, have children & grandchildren...totally exhausted by her... let the medical profession work it out...I can't!

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"...and one of the reasons the whole mess develops and is so recalcitrant is that having physical illness is more socially and morally acceptable in our culture than having unhappiness or mental illness."

Truer words were never spoken vstefans. I am certain my Mother suffers from undiagnosed mental disorder/s and I am certain her hypochondria stems from that. It's a tragedy that so many people, particularly older people, refuse to address and care for their mental health . They are victims of the same stigmas that they themselves perpetuate. It's a vicious cycle.

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Hoarding and hypochondria are related to deep seated anxiety, as a mental disorder - maybe not really moral, conscious choices as much as you'd think, if that helps any. One way of coping with the hypochondria is to make medical attention non-contingent on illness behavior, in other words, set up a regular schedule of visits, maybe every 2 or 3 months, if the doctor will agree. Positive attention can be given, reassurance can be provided and tests kept to a minimum, plus exercise and activity can be prescribed instead of drugs and tests. Any interim visits should be with a different doctor who ideally should be a little brusque about it - quick exam, matter-of-fact nope you're OK and this should wait for your regular visit with your regular doctor.

It is probably easier to help young people with hypochondria as you may take advantage of any goals they have for their life including things that illnesses will keep them from doing that they would like to do; also if illness behavior is being used, consciously or unconsciously to reduce their responsibilities or get attention, there is usually a way around that. When the nicest thing in anyone's life is going to hospital, it invariably signals a bad situation. If the person is not likely to agree to or benefit from counseling, or trial of SSRI, and the life situation cannot be substantially changed to favor non-illness related activity, it is a tough row to hoe. Do your best to assess the rewards of illness behavior and reduce them, and create any rewards possible for non-illness behavior. And, I'll be honest. There are times when people with hypochondria totally miss symptoms of real serious illness, or have cried wolf one too many times and get missed. Many of my patients with rare disease have gotten labeled hypochondriac when they are anything but. What is being described here is not that sort of thing, though, and one of the reasons the whole mess develops and is so recalcitrant is that having physical illness is more socially and morally acceptable in our culture than having unhappiness or mental illness. And illness is often the only emotionally and socially acceptable way to get out of a responsibility, whether it is just a dislike or an intolerable burden. If the life unhappiness can be addressed, some of these folks can be helped, even if they can't bring themselves to acknowledge the psychological part of life. And - even for people who treat these patients all the time - It. Is. Not. Easy!! Many doctors will not even try to work with this, because it is so time consuming and emotionally stressful.

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I thought ruminations was what cows do so I"ll have to look that up.
now not to defend anyone's mothers because I do believe many people do get addicted to drs and hospitals and just can't break that pattern or maybe as they get older they are so afraid of dying they just have to get everything checked out.
Having said all that as one gets older and has the time many ailments do come to the fore and one Dr visit seems to lead to another and then there are all the investigations that get ordered and no one knows enough to question the need or what they plan to do with the results. i have just told my cardiologist i do not want to drive 40 miles for a meet and greet with the vascular surgeons group. I know they will want to stick tubes into my veins to look at my heart. i know what is wrong with me and am doing fine on my meds, I don't want open heart surgery to repair my mitral valve. I could only have a life expectancy of 5 years as mothers family all died before 70 and I don't want to spend two of those years recovering from surgery. So I"ll make do with what I have got and come back in six months. I can see where others relish the attention though and all of us oldies were raised to think the Dr is never wrong, well i ave got news for them, he often is.

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Joining the club here. If my Mom hears of any illness she invents symptoms. This has been going on since I can remember. Every little ache or pain is some fatal disease in the making. She is constantly at the doctor and will not do a thing they tell her to do. She is incapable of having a conversation that does not center around her physical woes. She does not want to hear anything by way of suggestion and if I try to lighten things up or change the subject she gets angry because I'm not taking her seriously. I used to let her affect me, I let her affect me for years. I was consumed with worry over her health and problems even as a kid. Not anymore. I still call her almost everyday but now I just tune her out. I listen to the words and respond politely but I don't let her get to me. I'm sorry my Mom is such a miserable person, thats a shame. Her misery has always wanted company especially mine but I'm done with that.

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I'm glad it's not just me! My mother was an only child and I think she was spoilt with attention from 2 parents. I think she has done this for years. When my father was very seriously ill and had a leg amputated, all she could say to me was that no one had asked about her bad back! It really is terrible. I get rung every week to take her to more hospital appointments. I've said no. She hates going by patient ambulance because she has to wait around to be transported when they are able to take her. I hoped it would stop some of the endless investigations but no. This week my sister took her to hospital as she thought she had bladder cancer. She didnt. Next week there's another appointment at the hospital for something else. She's 93 and I can't stand her telling me who much she aches and old age is a terrible thing when nobody will help you. The NHS should stop seeing her. She has never been ill as far as I can work out. Nothing so why go through this? I have diabetes which she conveniently forgets when she's panicking about diabetes and how terrible it is. I could go on and on but you all know what I mean.

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Sendme - I had to look that one up. Never heard of rumination. You might be onto something there! I will definitely bring this up to her physician on Tuesday. That sounds like exactly what's happening.

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To Paisley: did she drink her coffee? Even so, does she suffer from rumination, that could cause her not to follow through. Sit with her just two minutes, meds first, nebulizer second, coffee, a reward, and you are off to fix breakfast. OR, you drink the coffee while you sit with her, she may need time to wake up, then ambulate her to the breakfast table for her coffee. Bring in the dog to visit.

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This all sounds so familiar. I told Mum she needs a hobby because she is hyper-focused on her health, yet she somehow forgets to take her meds or do her physical therapy. Just this morning, I gave Mum her coffee and meds, set up her nebulizer, and went to cook breakfast. I went back 20 minutes later to check on her. She was having some labored breathing (due to COPD), yet hadn't taken her meds or used her nebulizer. I asked her why. She said she forgot. She likes to 'forget'. It gets a rise out of me. Inside my head, I was screaming, "How can you sit there having difficulty breathing and FORGET to do the one thing that would give you relief?" Images of tilting her head back, pushing the pills to the back of her throat and then massaging her throat (the way I do for her dog) swim around in my head.

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The song, "tammy, tammy, tammy's in love", with the doctor!!! Anyone notice the doctor's required legal presence in a person's life, from before birth (ultrasound, there's a picture of you, must have been ordered by the doctor; there's his signature on your birth certificate, declaring you healthy and alive; the exam and immunizations so you can go to school; the required medical notes to school, employers re: off work, back to work, the doctor's declaring you disabled, incompetent or competent; then the death certificate and everything else in between. So one cannot get through life without the doctor, or can we?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, we can only hope. No wonder they get confused and are brainwashed to think they need the doctor's permission to live!
So sorry you have to deal with this. I hope this perspective helps, if only to get you to be amused at life.

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Not to mention WebMD.com, which can make you think you're dying of any number of conditions! I half wish that site didn't exist. :)

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All the talk about elders infatuation with the medical process, pills etc., made me think of all the doctor shows I watched as a kid with my parents. Ben Casey, Dr. Kildare, Marcus Welby MD, and more through the years. Now old folks can watch The Doctors and Doctor Oz and keep up with the salacious details of medical procedures. It's no wonder our parents (and many of us) turned into pill heads growing up on this crap. To my parents, doctors are simply godlike beings who can do no wrong. Oh, I forgot to mention the drug ads on TV. Can't pee, take this. Pee too much, take that. OK.........I'm calming down now.......

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So glad to have found this thread.i just got a call from my dad that my mom has been taken to the hospital from chest pains and shortness of breath. My dad had his first (actual) heart attack this past Wednesday so knew this was coming sooner or later. I had a 30 lb ovarian cyst removed in January and she was convinced she had an ovarian cyst and needed a hysterectomy.

She sees various doctors constantly, dad said 72 appointments in the past year alone, and there's nothing apparent wrong with her. She can mow a lawn or clean house without even breaking a sweat or stopping to rest...at 68 years old. I can't even do that at 44!

I'm worried mostly for my dad having to live with her and additional stress on his heart. I'm terrified of him passing away first cause then I'll have to deal with her alone. (My one brother moved out of state after graduation and never comes home.)

I've done therapy three times in the past from dealing with her various craziness over the years and I'm nearly ready to go back for some more. (Her other addiction is fundamentalist Christianity, as if the medical obsession wasn't enough.)

Thanks for listening to me vent, at least. It's good to know I'm not alone.

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Sorry about your mother! It sounds like she is really controlling you. Was she always like this? Did you feel secure i her love as a child?

If it were me, I think I might threaten to leave 5 times a day! You do have that power over her, even if you don't want to carry it out. One way to look at her behavior is that when she is being mean to you, she is sinning. When you stop her from treating you that way, you are doing her soul a favor by returning her to the "paths of righteousness."

It sounds like you need to find your strength. Why does she have so much power over you? Are you trying to win her love? Are you afraid on some level that you deserve this treatment? Do you think you need to be perfect?

I would recommend that you get some therapy, or at least get some self-help, self-love books out of the library. Learning to assert yourself with her is going to be hard, with lots of ups and downs, and a companion along that journey would be a big help.

When I would criticize myself harshly, my therapist would say, "What would you say to a friend of yours who was in this position?" I was always much gentler on a friend than on myself. What would you say to a friend who was being treated like this? You might tell her to ignore her mother's complaints and get some help into the house and get yourself OUT. A good homecare agency can find someone who can stand up to your mother and make her like it. You might say to her, "Of course your mother gets angry when you leave, and she'll yell at you when you get back, but she'll get over it."

Does she have you over a barrel financially? Or can she be talked into spending more on the house? Remind her that in the end her money will just go to the hospital or nursing home, so she should use it for good while she still has it. Do you need to consult a lawyer?

When she says those nasty things like wishing you had never been born, that is not truth she is speaking, but emotion. A good response might be, "Gee, you're really unhappy today. I'm sorry you feel so bad. Are you in pain?" That response is both strong and kind.

You are in a difficult situation, and it will be a lot of hard, emotional work to get out of it. God bless you.

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My Mother lives in all of your comments. I am at wit's end. We bought a house together, and she is the only one benefiting from it. My money is going swiftly as I try to upkeep the home with out her help. She is a tyrant about what needs to be done. Even calls 911 when she does not get her way. Never grateful, and I feel like i have been nothing but Cinderella to her. Now, at 91 she is still able to care for herself but refuses or fights with me when I need even one night away every 3 months or so. I cant find work, as she demands she is not healthy enough to be left alone, but will not work with me on anyone ( a stranger) coming in, no button, no senior center call checks (they are after her money) and fabricates panic attacks for control. Even my own children are coming less and less because of it. They love her very much. Today, she told me that she wished she never had me, and that it would be too soon if she ever had to look at my face again. When I threaten to leave she quickly comes out of her drama and says "let's talk about this. Don't you have any forgiveness?" I think I'm losing my mind! I have no siblings or Father alive to help me. Sinking fast!

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Well this takes me back. My grandmother was one of the biggest medical thrill seeker ever. She wore us all out; and when she finally passed at 66 years young we where almost relieved. The constant scares and blatant attempts to sabotage her own health where finally over. She must have been truly unhappy with how her life panned out for her. Medical professionals are paid to care and it was sad she didn't feel like her family did so she looked to healthcare providers like emotional prostitution. My grandmother may have been able to extend her life if she was not addicted to treatment. She was sick but she made herself worse. I still feel guilty about the total relief I had when she passed. I did not have to watch her killing herself for attention. It was extreme. No amount of attention I gave her was enough. She was really broken inside and I miss her dearly. I also have a career in the health care field and I am uncomfortable around frequent flyers.

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We all seem to be having similar experiences. I'll take this opportunity to vent. My Mom obsesses about her health and various issues to the point where she is consumed. He only discussions revolve around doctors, doctor vists, aches, pain and medicine. Her daily issues are weighing me down with anxiety that are manifesting as physical issues for myself, however I can't share my issues with her because if I have a headache, she will have a bigger headache! She goes to the doctor EVERY week sometimes 2-3 time a week. She at least 7 different doctors and I can't keep up with them, and she gets mad when I don't realize which doctor she is seeing when and for what. She used to take herself to the doctor now she has engaged anyone in the family, neighbors with taking her to the doctor. She has had emergency room visits at least 2-4 times a year for the last 10. Her obsessiveness with her illness has manifest REAL medical problems that she constantly obsesses over and requires frequent medical attention for. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I need a support group. I cant talk to my friends, because most of them have lost their mothers and thinks I should be grateful to have mine. Whenever my Mom goes to the hospital she anticipates staying and is happy. When she returns home she goes back into her depressive state of self pity and sickness. I am racked with guilt because I dont respond the way she wants me to respond. She has expectations of me that I don't meet. I guess I'm just venting. I don't have the answers.

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Are you sure we all don't have the same mother? I could have written each of these messages. My mother has a symptom that anyone could have, then dwells on it. She loves her magic pills. She'll call and make doctor appointments when I'm not in the room. She gets mad at me because I just don't realize how sick she is. She has abstract symptoms that can neither be proved nor disproved. She has terrible itches here and there. Spots on her arms become a rash that happened because someone did something.

When I first came to live here, she was over-medicating. Too much Metformin (diabetes) caused her to feel nauseous and gassy all the time. We spent a lot of time running to the doctor, having MRIs, and other things before I figured out what she was doing. And then there was too much Ativan that made her seem like she had Alzheimer's. Then there was the overdose on the Alzheimer's drug that was terrible -- took a week of my life to get her back on her feet. Thank goodness she finally relinquished control of her drugs to me. She has been much better.

At the present time, we are dealing with something real and not serious -- a basal cell carcinoma on her nose. We have to go to the doctor for radiation therapy three times a week for the next four weeks. One would think that enough, but she called her other doctor to make an appointment about her itching and UTI, which I think is really just incontinence. She has not really grasped that what is really wrong is that she is old now (86) and her body just doesn't work as well as it once did. So something must be wrong that can be fixed.

My biggest concern about all this, besides the abuse of my time, is the cost in Medicare dollars. I believe that if Medicare was a little less free that many of these imaginary illnesses would disappear. It is no wonder that Medicare is hurting the economy so bad. Many elders abuse it. That really bothers me. Medicare shouldn't have to pay for people who only desire attention. It is too big of a drain.

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My elderly mother doesn't makeup medical issues, but she does exaggerate the ones that she has. The only time she shows any interest in life is when she has medical appointments. Staying at the hospital is such a delight for her like she is on vacation. She loves her doctors and consider's them her best friends. She has always had an obsession with the medical community so this is not something new. She literally thrives on medical attention. It is so frustrating to see her regard the medical world as her personal savior except for Psychiatrists, which I think she could benefit from. I am at a total loss at to why someone would desire that type of attention!

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Oh goodness we are all in the same boat.Amazing yet I have never discussed this with anyone else and anyone say yep that's my mother.My mother has hysterical paralysis.So far according to Mum is 79 and extremely healthy she has had 29 strokes that is over a period of 25 years before that she seems to have a life time history of suffering to get attention we think she learn't this behaviour from her father as a child.Mums Tongue is completely rolled over and she has had to learn to speak and walk I don't know how many times.Nearly all the doctors don't know what they are talking about according to Mum.Her Dr and specialist have explained to me that it is a very common problem and to separate myself and save myself Mum is 79 and rings me about 4 times everyday and" doesn't want to be a burden because I have my own life",yeah right.Mums last "stroke" was last April and she is still using a walker and having a lot of trouble with her speech one hand and foot are useless.Normally these incidents do not last this long but this time the Dr. in charge of her case confronted her with the truth and so did my brother and I after 3 months.Big mistake Mums GP says now she may never recover.This has screwed up my life and my families.My mother no longer speaks to my brother so I am stuck in the middle of them both.I live in fear of the phone ringing and am usually left a mess every time I have to see or speak with her.Mums huge hole of unhappiness can not be filled by me or anyone.It is so sad.Good luck everyone do what you have to to survive.Every possible test has been done to my Mother and she is in great health.Mum hasn't got anything good to say about anyone.Mum will not join any groups because she wont give anyone any money.So that is a bit of my story again good luck out there.

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I have some experience in this department. With my mother I have found the only thing that works is ignoring the repeated complaints about normal daily life and change the subject to something that she likes to do more than worry about the bump on her hand. This is difficult. Older adults in this situation have super powers when it comes to making every normal life event into an illness that needs another pill or another treatment. They often become very angry with family members who do not pay enough perceived attention to the current ailment. It is best, although difficult, not take this personally but keep trying to divert their attention. Use your “gut feeling” (intuition) to try to decipher what is real and what is not. I am a nurse and I have a difficult time determining what is real with my mother, because she is so close to me that impartiality has too many barriers. When in doubt seek medical help if you feel it is life threatening.

I noticed that my mother began this behavior when the empty nest syndrome was looming and it involved many surgeries and about 10 years before things started to seem like they were strange. It seems like along time, but mom was always a protected member of the family and I think that she wanted that to continue. Do not forget that it is their problem that affects you, it is not your problem. I took one step back and I feel that I can step back in when I see her, but I protect myself from the guilt and blame that comes from my mother when she feels that I have not provided her with enough sympathy.

Good luck.

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I am amazed there are others out there like me. I am the youngest of 3 children. My sisters visit a few times a year. They do not want to be around my mother (76). She is sick all the time, goes to the doctor almost every week, complains about not being able to sleep at night (but sleeps during the day) and has nothing good to say to anyone except the middle child. She does nothing around the house, my dad does everything. He hardly speaks to her anymore. I think she overmedicates herself. Everyone else thinks its demetia. I think she is mean and is trying to manipulate others into pitying her. She went through 3 doctors in one year because they said nothing was wrong with her. Now she just lays on her sofa and appears to be stoned (from sleep medicaitons) when we visit her. I ask her questions about the past, about things that happened a few months ago, and about things that happened just a few days ago. She always answers correctly. She has also started with incontinence and loves to talk about it. She complains about falling but admitted that she slipped on the floor after wetting herself while trying to get to the toilet. We suggested adult diapers and she refused. I told her that if she liked falling, then don't wear the adult diapers. I want to find the truth for my family before my mother drives everyone crazy. Can anyone direct me to a website that addresses these issues? By the way, I think this site is our support.

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Don't kill yourself. It's a strong feeling I know. I get it sometimes.But it passes. It's part of the spell the evil ones put on us.

I practice disengagement like your sister-in-law suggested. It's the best way to not fuel my mother's evil. I even disengage in the emergency room. I take a book and read while she acts stupid.

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I think we all have the same parent. When my husband told my mom that her self-centered focus on her health was making me sick she said I was a hateful daughter. My daughter-in-law advised me to disengage so I won't be dragged into the anxiety and darkness with her. She certainly has enough energy in the midst of these health crisis (five ER visits in the past 6 months for nothing) to berate me over the phone. Incidentally she was a physical and emotionally abusive parent to my sister and I and at age 89 nothing has changed except I'm old enough not to want to kill myself because I displeased her.

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castoff,

I have the same problem with my mother. I've never thought of the condtion as Munchausen's. I just figured it was a bid for attention or hypochondria. Her doctor doesn't want to see her anymore. Because she never has any problems.

I used to get upset when I started looking after her 8 years ago, but eventually I realized it was the same old stuff she has put out all my life. My mother is now 92. I figure that if she really has something bad happen like a stroke or heart attack it will be obvious and entirely different from her usual list of complaints. If she's not on the floor struggling to breathe, I ignore her. She can sure get dramatic and sometimes I get hooked but only for a few seconds.

I set my boundaries and stay away from her as much as possible. It's amazing how much she can do for herself when she really wants to.

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Can I ever relate! My mother is 91, has some dementia and only talks about her "medical problems". She rarely see a doctor, and when she does I bring up a "problem" and she won't answer their questions. It is very hard to deal with, would love to find a support group.

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Anyone had success in dealing with a hypochondriac / munchausen parent?

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