Follow
Share

My 84 year old husband has lately been very aware of all I do for him as his caregiver. I love this man...he has my total heart and devotion. He does however, seem to think the best way to show me his appreciation, is to engage in sex. If it was intercourse, I think I could conjur up some enthusiasm , but for various medical and physical limitations, it has to be other methods of intimacy. I'm going out on a limb here...but I readily admit, that is the LAST thing I am interested in doing. Perhaps it's selfish, but isn't being his medical secretary, physical therapist, driver, household accountant, handyman, housekeeper, cook, laundress, entertainer, psychologist, research associate, computer consultant, scheduler, and companion ENOUGH?
I lavish him with physical touch, whisper words of assurance and affection, shower him with unexpected kisses...there is just not enough motivation for me to do this as well.
I tell myself that this is what he has to offer...to feel needed and wanted..it just seems too much.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Does your husband have dementia and is this something new, his desire to show you his appreciation for all you do by giving you sexual gratification of some sort?

If his desire is to give YOU satisfaction and you don't WANT it, then he's not giving you any kind of gift at all. So no, you're not selfish, he is, if he's pushing his 'gifts' on you and you don't WANT them. Tell him to send you flowers or chocolate instead and THAT you'll appreciate! 😎

If this is new behavior and he has dementia or cognitive impairment, it goes with the territory for some men who suddenly develop an interest in sex when it wasn't quite so rampant before. When that sexual urge gets aggressive with dementia, it's known as inappropriate sexual behavior or ISB and can be managed with meds.

I also agree with Alva. Some men interpret kisses and touches as an invitation for sex. Maybe that's the case with dh? I've told my dh in the past that I sometimes like to cuddle or snuggle with him, or just be affectionate, WITHOUT him interpreting it as an invitation to rip my clothes off. 😅

Wishing you the best of luck being honest with your dh on this subject and reaching a satisfactory conclusion
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
Lealonnie, my guess is that this is about oral sex. It's about giving him gratification, not her!
(4)
Report
See 2 more replies
Do think he is mistaking some of what you call "assurances" such as showering him with whispered words, unexpected kisses and affection as your wanting MORE intimacy and not less? If there is something you are not comfortable with you should discuss it honestly with him.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I understand your situation. I’m in a similar one. I love my husband more than anything but physical intimacy became quite difficult due to his advanced age and ED. We tried to keep it going (through various medical interventions & lots of patience) but it became more and more frustrating for him and something I began to dread. I’m already stretched thin due to the responsibilities that goes with his care. Sex became more exhausting than pleasurable. 

At first, I felt terrible for feeling that way. In no way do I ever want my husband to feel rejected or unloved. I wanted to be the best wife but also honor my limits. So, I got up the courage to talk to him honestly. I let him know that I didn’t have the same physical desires as when we were younger and that I love him more than I ever have. I think he felt that if he couldn’t please me, I’d want another man. I’m younger so I understand why he’d feel that way. However, I don’t need or desire another partner. I love and accept my husband no matter what. We had many years of lovely sexual intimacy but I can let it go and be happy just to be close to him. I’m grateful he’s still with me. 

By taking the tension out of attempting the actual sex, we can both relax more. We have become closer, more intimate and loving. Our friendship has deepened. I don’t think of him as less of a man and I think he now knows that. I am not lacking in love and care nor is he. While we have a different kind of closeness now, it is not inferior. There is a tenderness between us that, while isn’t grand sexual passion, is deep and meaningful. Taking the sexual act out of our relationship has allowed a union that is rich and beautiful. 

I hope you can find your way to embrace the relationship that fits with the time of life you’re living. It can be liberating to speak one’s truth. There is no shame or unkindness in being true to ourselves. We can love others and set gentle boundaries. Life is change and we must allow ourselves to make appropriate adjustments as we go. There are many things that we must let go of but that doesn’t mean we must let go of love.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Judycares Feb 2022
THanks Tulips. I too am younger than my husband (12yrs). I have reconciled myself to having an honest conversation with him. I will try to frame it as you described as well as letting him know I understand that he is hurt by it. (He associates this as his way of saying I Love You...as well as I'm grateful for all you do.) When the situation arises again, I'm prepared. Thank you.
(5)
Report
Thank you all. I realize this is a sensitive topic and I appreciate that you treated it as such. Lealonnie, your thoughts are spot on. It is me that is in the unwanted position.
It is so difficult to find the right words when you know it's going to hurt someone. I've most always set aside my own own desires in deference to my husband's. I will try to work out ways to communicate this to my husband. Thanks again dear community!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

A friend of mine has a husband with dementia and he has become "hyper-sexualized". She loves him, he is the father of her children. She cares for him but is no longer physically attracted to him in that way. He is not the same person. He constantly wants to have sex with her. She now avoids getting dressed and undressed in his presence, locks the bathroom door when showering, etc... If I am not mistaken, she spoke to his doctor about it and there was a med given to him to take the constant sexual advances down a notch. You don't mention if your husband is mentally sound. If he is you could have a conversation with him about it. Tell him you're tired and more interested in a hot bath and a book. LOL If he has dementia, I suggest asking his doctor if anything can be done to take the wind out of his sails.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Please tell him if he wants to show love and devotion, to please not pester you for sex. You've got a lot on your plate and you're in no mood for it. Best thing for him to do to show love and devotion is to co-operate with you in his best interest.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Your husband is 84 years old and probably looks it - what on earth would be a reason you want sex with him. Those days are gone - memories. He is asking something to me that makes no sense. You are not interested and lord knows I would not be either at this point in life. Simply explain this to him and say no. You will love him in other ways by taking care of him. Don't give in. But I hear many older people get like this - I would just ignore them. You are taking care of him full time and that is taking all you have to give. Stand your ground.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
lealonnie1 Feb 2022
The first line of your comment made me bust out laughing and I needed that right now so thank you Riley 🤣
(0)
Report
I've read the responses here. If "other methods of intimacy" are what I think it is, the only message I have for our friend Judycares here is:

Oh, HELL NO!!!!

Nope and no way. The wife has to do everything for the husband because he can't handle anything for himself like making a phone call or entertaining himself, then that's like having a child. There has to come a time in a person's life when some things stop. At 84 the BJ's need to or hire a professional.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Judy,
You said you might hypothetically be interested in intercourse, which is more a two-way and less invasive than feeling you have to provide oral sex.

My friend (69) is increasingly caregiving for her 77-yo husband. Oral is not something she is willing to do but she also enjoys the closeness part that comes with intercourse, which she now cannot have. So in lieu of intercourse, they on occasion crawl into bed naked and have mutual masturbation, which is less invasive than oral.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
Good for your friends, PeggySue. This thread is just getting way too nasty.
(1)
Report
See 3 more replies
I just think it’s the only way he knows to express his love & appreciation for you. Nobody expects you to have the energy &/or interest in sex when you are a caregiver & doing a million jobs. As a caregiver myself (caring for my 94 year old mother with dementia) changing adult diapers, taking abuse…the last thing on my to do list would be that. Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter