My dad has had a long-standing mental illness, which has gotten worse with age. It's characterized by an obsessive need for attention, praise and pity. He's very good at manipulating people-- he's an extreme narcissist and also very good at hiding his mental illness from non-family members. When my mom became demented, my dad executed the successor part of my mom's medical power of attorney(POA) and asked me, the successor, to assume the role of her medical POA. This included interacting with caregiving staff and making sure that her care and medical needs were being met, mainly long distance via phone sinceI live 1200 miles away, so had to do the POA and be a liaison long distance. My dad refuses to help out, even though he lives in an independent facility near my mom. His and my interactions are mainly via phone. I've tried to be patient and understanding with him, never threatening him and always trying to be supportive of him, understanding, and encouraging. However, when legal authorities, who were investigating alleged abuse of my demented mother by her care manager, went to talk with my dad, he made the conversation all about himself in order to gain the authorities' pity. He made false statements about me, portraying me as a meddler into his finances and affairs and also portrayed me as an elder abuser of himself, none of which has any merit. Refusing to listen to my side of the story or to take the time to verify my elderly dad's statements or verify his mental status, an assistant attorney general threatened me with criminal prosecution for taking on the role of medical POA after my dad falsely claimed that I had coerced him into handing it over to me. Furthermore, she accused me of meddling into his affairs and strongly implied that I was mentally abusing him. As a result, I had to hire an attorney who strongly advised me to sever communications with my dad because, now that he's crossed the line by making these false claims, he'll continue to cross the line and tell his facility staff and/or others that I'm meddling and mentally abusing him. He had already done similar with someone else once before. My attorney warned me that if I say anything to my dad that even remotely smells like meddling or mental abuse, he could very well report it to facility staff who, by law would have to report it. Authorities would then once again believe him and not listen to me, and I would again be accused and threatened. So, I've pretty much detached from my dad, limiting communications with him to writing and keeping to very neutral topics, with no phone calls because there would be no witnesses to our phone conversations. He's now telling people that he has disowned me, and has taken steps to write me out of his will. Given his ability to manipulate, everyone believes him to be totally mentally with it and believes everything he says. Am I right to protect myself from him and his mental illness by detaching in this way and only limiting communications to writing? The assistant attorney general is very arrogant and cannot be reasoned with and refused to listen to my side,and strongly implied that I'm a liar when I tried to explain my side of the story. To her, I'm guilty before being proven innocent instead of vice versa. What are my other choices? After an initial phone call to my dad right after the threats and accusations were made to me, I told him about the threats and accusations and that they were a result of his statements. In subsequent notes, I've only mentioned it at a high level without directly accusing him for fear that he'll report me to his facility staff who will be required by law to report me. Legal authorities have no jurisdiction over me given that I live out of state. But, my attorney told me that they can make my life difficult, my legal costs to prove myself innocent could go sky high, and in the worst case, if I went to visit my dad and am in their jurisdiction, I could be arrested on the basis of his false claims. Given how disrespectfully my dad has treated me over the past 6 or more years and given his betrayal, I've decided to draw the line and set these boundaries with him. But, should those boundaries be to totally stay away from him given the situation? I'm conflicted because he's an old man with no other family but me (he has a good support system in his city to watch over him) and maybe I should be there for him. But at the same time, his total disrespect and betrayal and putting me in an untenable position with legal authorities is intolerable and unconscionable. If I reattach with him, I risk being pulled into his mental illness and manipulation and being retraumatized by a corrupt legal system in his state. Am I wrong to remain detached from him, continue to limit contact to only written communication where the topics are very neutral, and not even visit or phone him?
You should remain detached from him. Me personally? I'd have no further dealings with him at all, in writing or otherwise. If you must, send him best-wishes greeting cards signed only "With Love." When the AAG gets involved, it's time to take it very, very seriously. If you don't detach, if you continue writing to him, in my opinion, it's only a matter of time before he claims harassment or some other false charge against you.
When you beat your head against a wall...guess what? It hurts. Stop doing it. Now.
I wondered if your father has dementia. Some of the things people with dementia come up with sounds so much like what your father did.
P.S.. about that open door... if your father has dementia, and is two-faced (one way to you, and another to others)- he can sincerely tell you that he's sorry, he misses you, etc... and then when you come to visit, Wham! He accuses you again. I'd be very, very careful about that 'open door.'
If he's as screwed up as you say he is, he'd enjoy watching you go down in flames, while he's getting sympathy for being a poor, abused old man.
The profound ignorance of the AAG and the investigating officer are, I'm sorry to say, no big surprise. I no longer even turn a hair when nurses, GPs, OTs and even social workers give me their potted definition of dementia and have it most wondrously WRONGGGGGG!!! I just sigh briefly, smile if I'm up to it, and recommend they skip through a layman's guide to the various types.
Patience, patience, patience… Perhaps we need some kind of leaflet that we can hand to these people with a gentle smile and request that before we continue any discussion they have a quick read of it.
It doesn't help that dementia comes, of course, on top of any existing problems with mental health and/or personality. One of my mother's less attractive characteristics - I remind myself not to blame, but to try to understand her - is her sideways approach to getting her way. She wants me to do something. Does she ask me? No. She will despairingly tell one of my siblings about it. Sibling will naturally assume that I have obstructed this wish, although usually the first I've heard of it is when they then - understandably - storm in all guns blazing and demand to know why mother is being deprived of xyz. "Er, because she didn't mention she wanted it…" You'd think we'd all be wise to it by now, but she's so (literally) pathetic in her manner that it is hard not to believe that she is too sad or frightened to stand up for herself.
It's this desire to have whomever they're speaking to "on their side" above all, regardless of the actuality of whatever they're describing. A straight story, a clear request, a rational argument you never get. So your father, RR4, couldn't possibly admit "I'm becoming too frail and tired to cope with my wife's admin." That would make him look either weak or lazy. So there had to be a reason that didn't reflect poorly on him. I know! "My daughter insisted. I didn't want to hand over, but she Made Me."
I'm gritting my teeth thinking of it. It's incensing, but - as so often - if you try to see it through his eyes there is a form of logic to it, which at least makes it understandable if no less frustrating and problematic. No thought to the consequences, of course: his priority was for everyone to think he was brave and wonderful and a brilliant husband and loyal to his daughter even though she is such a control freak blah blah blah.
Ugh. This is a good heads-up. I'm looking forward to hearing more.
Where is your mother now? And have I got this right: the current situation is that you have POA for your mother, which your father has resigned to you as his successor on the original document, and your father therefore has no further official involvement in her care. What happened with the investigation into her facility's manager?
Your father, meanwhile, is sitting in his own place playing silly buggers with his local authorities, among whom is this officious lady who thinks she's sunk her teeth into a juicy Protection of Vulnerable Adults bone and is having a high old time with it at your financial and emotional expense. Oh thank God for welfare regulation, eh!
As regards your father, I would be guided by your lawyer who sounds as if he might as some point have had contact with the normal human world. Cool! - where did you find him? Can you have him cloned and distributed, please? Oh, and what kind of communications have you, in the past, had with his facility's staff? I realise that he is their main concern and their responsibility is to him, but if you had a good relationship with them prior to this they may be important witnesses to the reality of your behaviour. Which would be a comfort.
As regards your mother, it depends on what's going on with her now.
As regards yourself, one or two things. Your father has hurt you very deeply, over a long, long time. But you *know* why, and you *know* it's nothing you've done wrong: it's not even personal. Hey, from his point of view, this is fun! He is, bluntly, a head case. Pity him. And stay away from him until you feel ready to express any residual love you may have. The other thing is that you are handling this with really exceptional aplomb and should give yourself credit for enormous sensitivity, intelligence and focus on the things that matter. Take a medal.
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