I have posted about a week ago about my dad trying to convince me to get him out of AL. He is 87, with some degree of dementia, on top of numerous personality disorder issues and controlling issues...
Well, I thought things had turned around. Rather than a studio room , there is a 1 BR apartment available in the AL, that they have offered to him, and he can afford. He seemed enthusiastic about it, and asked me to talk to them about it, contingent on making some renovations to the room which I negotiated with them and are underway. I spend some time discussing what changes should occur, and agreed with them that he will move in contingent on these changes.
Then, today when I visited, he sprung on me that " I need to get out of assited living ASAP " and " I want to buy a house near you and get 24/7 in house caretakers. "
I told him that I dont have time to help in buying / selling a house and setting this all up. He agreed that " yes I dont want to take your time up but help me setting this up"
I tried to say " you need to stay in assisted living, no way this will work" . but somehow in discussion/ argument settled that, the only way I would support this is if we hire on a geriatric care managment company to arrange all this and work with you and a realtor and caretaker agenices to set it all up, and I will be out of the loop.
Let me say that he has the money in estate to fund this, if for a short period of time. He thinks he is " only going to live a couple more years' . he is 87, but to me, who knows that he may live another 10 years.
anyway, I said that I do NOT agree with trying to buy a house and live in your own house at this stage, even with expensive 24/7 care at $30,000 a month, even if you can afford it, is not a good idea.
but he tonight seemed insistent on it. I told him that if he does this he is either 1) on his own, I wont be involved, or 2) I'll provide him with a geriatric care management company to help him and elder care attorney, and thats all I do.
Then I second guessed myself and wondered, " could I help with this?" in another post I mentioned how narcissistic, and micromanging he is. I helped him buy a house 10 years ago and it almost killed me in the process. I could not do it again I think ....
anyway, during an argument I said that I cannot support getting your own house, but if you insist, I'll retain a geriatric care management company, at cost of $200/hour and they can help me. somehow he seemed to still want me to do the work. So I stormed out of his AL room and said, " well you are on your own". not a pleasant thing. As I walked down the hallway of the AL, he was yelling down the hall calling my name desperately.
Then, 20 mins later, while I was driving home he called me and said " I'll do whatever you say. I beg of you please listen, I'll do what you tell me". this was after 2 hours of him trying to dictate out to me what I should do! He then was anxious to know when I would next visit in person. I said " Im busy the next day or two, but you can call me tomorrow night, and then we will see when I will come by"
I said " well, step 1 is, you cant get out of AL in a hurry. you have to stay there a while. Then also, to buy a house etc will take some time. you have to put up with it for some time. " and 2) if you really want to get your own house and 24/7 care, I dont have time to do it. Take me out of the loop. We can hire a geriatric care management company to help and they will charge out of your estate $200/hour of work they do. He said " yes, yes, whatever it takes"
well, I guess I'm running my inheritance down into the ground, but thats all I can do. I sure am not going to take my personal time to look for a house and nit pik along with him as he really wants. I'm glad to just take zero inheritance at this time.
ok Im just venting I guess. but also looking to see if you all think I could have handled this differently.
Hard not to get hurt by his angry words, trying to undermine you with your son. Chalk it up to both dementia and his own personality.
"Dad, if you live at home with full time care, you're going to run out of money in x months. What's your plan for after that? I'm trying to look at the bigger picture here."
You don't have to say it to him-he'd likely dismiss it. Just know that it's true.
Well, the next step has happened, almost as predicted by @waytomisery, as it sounds like this is a common thing:
My dad has done a cycle of calling his siblings, and told his brother that " my sons are trying to steal away my money". He then told my uncle that "my son has gone to the courts and taken out some sort of power of attorney and will siphon away my money",
The truth of course is that my dad himself had his own attorney draft up the POA document which we all signed! I have not gone to the courts at all!
My dad then asked his uncle to come into town to visit in a few weeks, to come and "mediate and sort everything out for me". He also asked him to not say anything to me about it until he is in town. My uncle found all of this very odd and so he called me up right away. He sounds supportive of my position which is that my dad should stay in AL, and that going home is not feasible. He feels that any reasonable spending on facilities is fair, which I agree with too. So that is good that he seems to be on my page. He will come into town to visit and have this talk, but wanted to give me a heads up about it.
Other than 1) standing firm in my position and 2) making sure (which I think I do) that all the payments/ financial stuff I have done is well recorded and organized, anything else you all recommend that you do at this time ?