Before reading further, please understand: my aunt, age 76, is a lifelong single person with no friends or contacts (other than family) and has lived alone almost all her life. She has no signs of cognitive decline. She is independent and stubborn and prone to going no contact when she feels threatened or is upset by something someone says to her. She will never agree to moving into a group setting. Ever. Also, she has a “wine habit” - not sure how much she drinks but it is probably too much.
I need help with getting her to clean up her squalid apartment. She never was very neat, but usually she was able to occasionally clean up the worst of it. I have been over there a couple
times recently to check on her and I’m appalled at the state she is in now. Things are piling up. She seems unable to get started on cleaning. I have tried to offer to help but don’t know where to begin. She keeps herself relatively clean and washes clothes and washes dishes, but there is trash all over the floor, empty recycling and wine bottles, her clothes are torn or falling off her body, and she clearly needs help but gets angry or changes the subject when it is brought up.
Everyone else in my family never checks in on her or is afraid to deal
with the situation. I feel like she needs outside help. But I don’t want to call
social services because she would fly into a rage and go incommunicado
again. I don’t want to do anything drastic, I just want her apartment to not become a health hazard. I was alarmed to visit today and notice
it was difficult to open the door because some junk box was partially blocking the door (major fire hazard). Eventually she is going to trip and fall, or there will be roaches or mold (actual
health hazard, I dread looking for evidence of this now)
The current landlord knows how she is living and doesn’t seem to care as long as she pays her rent on time.
Looking for doable strategies on getting her place clean. She recently has been “gifting” me with her recyclable bottles (which I promptly get out to the dumpster there) so I am wondering if coaxing her to “gift”
me with more boxes of junk may be a way to start the process.
Some papers can be recycled 5-7 times I have read. Not all can be recycled but your aunt may not be aware of that or you could tell her you need to take it all to sort it and recycle the rest.
your story....
Some special child is trying to gather as much as possible or other plausible story she would believe and you want to help him or her. So you noticed she seemed to not be using her extra paper. Could you please come gather it all up for the project? ....
a story along those lines. Practice saying it in an offhand way so she won’t see right through it. Shes probably very adept at deciphering BS.
Bring a large plastic (outdoor type) garbage can (one on rollers would be good)put garbage liners in it and put on a good pair of gloves and pile it in. You could have this in your car. Perhaps you’ve already been collecting somewhere else but they didn’t have enough. Maybe wear a mask, Then Haul the filled bags away but leave the empty garbage can with a liner for her in case she has more to donate. Perhaps best if everything doesn’t look too clean and new.
Start in whichever room you like. Start at one corner and go around the room. Just do paper that first pass. Of course, use the size can that is easiest for you. Maybe you can find one that has a partition like a recycle type to help you sort it as you go. Don’t try to do too much at once. It will be less stressful to her and you. set a time limit. Two hours Max and that could be on the second or third trip. Maybe bring her a milkshake or something she would enjoy so she will be happy to see you. Since you know how to read her you can figure it out as you go. Does she drink her wine when you are there or only alone? You can probably tell if she is ready to start drinking and needs you to be gone. Just work around her rules in order to come back the next time.
Below is a link that might help you get the hang of recycling paper to help build up your story.
Let us know if any of our ideas work. We get a good many hoarding type questions and we love to learn what’s useful. Your aunt sounds like she’s done an amazing job of taking care of herself given her limitations. I have a mentally ill relative that I only wish were this independent.
I also think the pandemic is getting her down, and she refuses to be vaccinated (she once had a bad reaction to a vaccine as a child), so depression may be a factor. I would be surprised if she didn’t have some kind of insect problem but I have observed nothing. More recently her bathroom was almost non functional due to leaks but her landlord came in and did the minimal to fix it.
She is just throwing her trash on the floor lately and things are starting to pile up. If something isn’t turned around with her, she will start having the issues listed above.
Many people live alone, some maybe on the spectrum, most just more introverted & prefer a quieter life. Some lockdown as self-protection. Some use alcohol to self-medicate. (No judgement: it's a socially acceptable drug afterall).
Previously your Aunt has chosen how she lives & while you may have very different cleanliness standards, you have respected her life is her own & her choices hers to make.
Until now... because her choices are getting her into the range of unsafe & squalor.
She is so lucky to have your caring support. Keep your eyes open - what do you see? Some of these? All?
* Unwashed person
* Soiled clothing
* Spoiled/rancid food
* Lack of meals being prepared
* Animal or vermin waste
* Actual rubbish
Whether new or gradual, losing life skills CAN definately indicate a change in cognition. Especially changes to short term memory, processing & planning parts of the brain.
TIA/stroke/Alzeimer's/infections are the most common reasons I can think of. There will be many others. Even vitamin B12 deficiency (can happen with alcohol overuse).
"But I don’t want to call
social services because she would fly into a rage and go incommunicado again".
I do get this. But... if my concern was high, I would put common sense over saving feelings. (Just as I have had to when a relative fell, hit & cut their head. Calling EMS upset them but was medically necessary).
Would your Aunt let you take her to her Doctor for a checkup?
If not, call APS. Not to upset her but *because you care*.
I learned to show an "interest" in various items that needed to go, and Dad would tell Mom I wanted it, and suddenly it was fine to give it to me. Dad would be happy to have found a "home" (wink-wink) for the item, and Mom wouldn't complain since her own daughter promised to cherish it. Dad always looked me firmly in the eye and reminded me that a gift becomes the property of the recipient, and "they can do with it as they choose." That was our code for "throw it away, but don't tell us you did."
Start coveting Auntie's junk, and you may purge more things than you can imagine.
Your aunt is very lucky to have you. I know you are care a lot and love her and only want to see her live in safe and clean home. It's very hard.
I'm the type of person that sees a problem and immediately want to fix it or find ways to fix it.
My sister lives in a similar way and I've tried many times to clean up after her. Her home then reverts back to the same condition. She doesn't see any issues with it. And like your aunt gets very angry with me when I suggest she needs help.
I know it's hard when your aunt shuts down and uses silent treatment when you suggest making some changes. This gifting approach might be the best and gentlest way for you to help her.
I personally would be more aggressive and involve social services. Given her age and potential for a fire hazard this might be the only way. I wonder if she has some mental decline or is too embarrassed to ask for help. Maybe the social worker could talk to her and see what other options there are.
Thank you for caring about your aunt and trying to help her. I know many people walk away but it's good of you to stick by her.