What do I do when the day comes that I can no longer take care of myself?

Rusti, even if they are building a fancy-pants new website and for some reason you're being given the wrong phone number, the actual human beings who staff the Area Agency organisation are still out there somewhere!

I don't know if this would help, but it's quite possible that your GP or PCP would have a different contact number for them. Call their office and ask, it can't hurt. Or, do you have any kind of local phone directory? - they're often useful sources of information.

If your income is limited you may be eligible for extra help, maybe in the form of Medicaid on top of your medicare. You should definitely call your state's Area Agency on Aging to talk to a case manager. They can also point you to help that may be available in your region besides Medicaid.

For example, in my state, Connecticut, there is a program called Connecticut Home Care Program for Elders. In my town there is a private fund managed by Area Agency on Aging that gives small grants to elders who have a need. In the case of my mother, I was able to buy her a transport wheelchair because of this fund.

Does you state have "211?" If you call that number you can often get answers about programs in your town / state as well.

Find out all the info you can about what services are offered in that nearby town. Consider moving. Be willing to sit down with your son to discuss your future and all the options that are available.

ArtistDaughter- thank you for sharing more details about your care village plan. With regards to the spouses who aren't on board, do you know what their objections are? Seems like some kind of legal agreement should be signed by all parties so expectations are clear.

My first recommendation is to engage a care manager. They will be your "professional daughter" or "professional son."

Care managers can be expensive, though. Usually they work on an hourly basis, and if everything is going well and you don't need them very much, it's not that expensive. When you're in trouble, they're invaluable. I think you should try to find a way to afford it.

If that's still not possible, next I would suggest a cooperative. Check out "The Village Cooperative." It's a cooperative model for senior living - everyone helps everyone else (theoretically, at least - I don't have personal experience).

Another though is a continuing care retirement community, which is a whole-life care model. Once you buy in, they agree to take care of you for the rest of your life, even if you run out of money. There are exceptions, of course, so be sure to read the fine print. However, they tend to be very expensive to buy in.

The final advice I have is to take action sooner rather than later.

It'll be much more difficult to make good decisions if you are in poor health or if you have memory problems. If you wait until a crisis occurs, you may be sent to a community by a someone you don't know and who doesn't know you (e.g. a hospital social worker). Furthermore, if you're out of money by then, you won't get the nicest place in town.

I know of a lady who is single and has no children. The rest of her family lives overseas. She sold up her home and moved into a nursing home before her health condition worsens. Contact a hospital social worker. They should be able to help you get started with the procedures.

This is an excellent question/post. I think we should try to keep it going so that newcomers can see and ask questions, and we can keep contributing and refer to it when we need.

Call the office on aging in your county. They can do an intake and tell you what services are available to you. also, consider joining a church. Many have volunteers that take people to doctor's appts, grocery shopping, etc. It's a start. Hugs and best of luck to you.

Familyslave - you wrote: "I feel fortunate to have bought land already with 17 wonderful, mostly long-time friends, ranging in age from 55-68. Some have already built their homes there. Many of them have kids as well who may be caregivers but we are going to be there for each other as long as we can..."

That arrangement sounds very interesting and appealing. I'd like to know more about it. Could you elaborate? Besides everyone in the group looking out and helping one another, will you bring in outside caregivers? How will the costs be paid? Shared, split? What about when someone in the group gets really sick and can no longer help anyone else?

This is truly an excellent question and one that people with children should consider as well because there's no guarantee that children will outlive their parents; there is no guarantee children will be the best caregivers, as they may have their own health problems or may have children with serious health issues or may have legal or financial problems or drug problems....the list goes on.
I am 60 and have no kids. My siblings are older and their lifetimes of alcohol and drug abuse have caught up to them. One is dying and the other is not far behind but we're estranged so they were never an option.
I feel fortunate to have bought land already with 17 wonderful, mostly long-time friends, ranging in age from 55-68. Some have already built their homes there. Many of them have kids as well who may be caregivers but we are going to be there for each other as long as we can, so as not to rely on children or siblings or (gasp!) nursing homes, which, ime, are 95% staffed with people who absolutely do not care, even though some pretend to care.

Dear Rusti, There are so many good suggestions here and I will need them someday as well. There is dementia in my family and one more thing I could suggest besides the Advanced Directive (Power of Attorney for Health Care) which should list your wishes...and POLST to write up what you want with your doctor so they know for sure from you, and a Vail of Life. ( look up on computer and fill it in) to put with magnet on your refrigerator...so anyone who comes in ( paramedics) will know what you want and doctors, meds, allergies, glasses, false teeth, pacemaker, etc. If you think dementia is possible, you can fill out a form from Compassion and Choices that states if "I can not feed myself, I do not want to be fed or hydrated." so you do not end up in a care facility for years in bed dying slowly. Always good to have all legal paperwork complete and write out all you spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical wishes and clearly as possible.
Good now to write your life story...grand kids may be interested in the future. and free yourself but mending fences, forgiving and loving yourself in a deeper way. It is a lot to do and you will feel more complete and in charge and those after will be so grateful you did not leave a mess...but created a loving thoughtful responsible finale. Blessings, good man...you are doing a good job!

I hoping technology will save me when the time comes. Something as simple as an AI connect smartphone I carry around all the time will help with failing memory. It's will be the constant, infinitely patient and all knowing nagger.

For physical needs, the Japanese are working on it. The latest generation of robots are amazing. The Japanese robotics push is specifically motivated to care for it's aging population. They already have a bunch of machines to care for people that we don't have in the US.

There is a lot of great advice given. I too would suggest seeing an elder attorney to get all of your legal POA's, Trust, etc., taken care of. I also would suggest moving to an assisted facility that also has the different levels of care as you need them and you don't have to depend on someone else making that decision for you, especially since you can't depend on them. The assisted living you are independent but if you need someone to assist they are there.

Consider moving into town, so you are not so isolated. Cities, even smaller ones, have more services available for seniors that more rural settings. Don't wait until it becomes an emergency; make plans now.

Meanwhile, as others have said, take advantage of whatever is available. However, the grocery delivery thing might not be an option. Most grocery stores, even Walmart, have a delivery radius maximum. 30 miles is quite a haul!

I also owned my own home "free and clear" but realized that it was becoming too much to manage. So, I downsized to a low-maintenance brick ranch 5 months ago where I can live on one floor. When that becomes too much, I will move to an apartment.

Rusti, I hate to throw sand in the works but I think you should revisit your powers of attorney.

These are not expressions of love and regard and concern for the people you appoint. They are practical authorities to be placed only in the hands of people who are competent, trustworthy and willing. Have you discussed this with your brother and are you satisfied that he would be happy to take it on?

Normally people do appoint family members but you are by no means limited to doing that. If funds allow it can be managed as a professional service, and since you are also concerned about support for your son when you can't manage it I think you should be exploring that possibility.

Moving on to relocation - what job does your son do? Would it be impossible to find him employment as good in the town you have in mind?

Each person who replied here gave me such excellent suggestions:

yes, I have a trust set up. All papers are current. Powers of
Attorney are set up, Medical and Durable.
I own my home free and clear. I had the house built 23 years
ago.
all financial matters are listed. I do all my banking on line
meds and emergency contacts are listed

Moving is a suggestion I have given thought. However after my husband died I divided the house so my son could live with me and he works 20 miles in the other direction of where I would want to move. I cannot think of leaving him as he has mental problems. I really am helping him at this point. That worries me more and as I age I find that it scares me to think of when I can no longer take care of myself so that I cannot be here for him. My brother and my son are my POAs. My brother lives 350 miles away and is extremely busy. I have no one else. I put my son on as an alternate POA since he lives right here and can handle some basic things.

I plan to contact my local area agency on aging as suggested.

My dilemma is that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to keep this household running. My son cannot step up to the plate.

thank you for your suggestions

I echo Riley! Excellent post, Riley! Nothing further.

First and foremost, somehow you have to find someone you can trust to be a Power of Attorney for you in the event you can't take care of yourself. If you do not know anyone, talk to the Office on Aging who may offer advice. Or perhaps an attorney, for a fee, would take this on. You have to make sure that every single facet of your life is current and up to date. You must write down and have full details on everything - finances, medical, religious, funeral, everything, If something happens and someone has to step in, they should be able to refer to that personal manual so they know exactly what to do. I have done this for the past 50 years (I will be 86 with no family). I have found two trusted friends who will step in but everything is l00% written down in detail and I already paid my funeral in full, even wrote the eulogy/obituary and have my gravestone. And sometimes a bank will do this for someone. What about a church? Please start preparing information on everything to do with you, your wishes, a medical declaration as to how you want to be cared for, etc. Also talk with your doctor. I have no one in the world so I did everything ahead of time so if the need comes, it will be very simple to handle things.

There are a lot of good answers here. To help you in this situation you need to find someone you can trust, and confide your concerns to that person; that would be my first step.

All suggestions are excellent. It definitely pays to plan ahead. Something you should consider if you haven't done it already is putting your assets into a trust. Medicaid has a 5 year look back and the faster you get your finances protected the better.

Myself, I'm 55 and live in a semi rural area on 2 1/2 acres. Currently my 26 and 21 year old children are living with me, but that could change. If it does, I plan to sell my house and move to a condo or townhouse where snow removal and yard work is taken care of. I see those as my biggest physical challenge. Just about everything else can be done by computer these days, so shopping and banking shouldn't be an issue. I do worry about the possibility of having dementia as it tends to run in my mother's family. I can only hope my children will help me as I have helped my mom, but will be making plans for my care in case they don't.

It may be time to think about moving where there are more resources and things are more convenient. I know it could be overwhelming but better now than a few years from now when ur health is failing. Start by cleaning out what you no longer need. I used to crochet. I had tons of instructions. I figured hadn't made any of the projects in 20 yrs, at 69 wasn't going to do them in the next 20. So, I am down to a tote.

If u own ur home, sell and use the proceeds for a nice apt. No upkeep. Easier to keep clean.

See a lawyer. A lawyer can become ur POA. You can stipulate in both documents, financial and medical, exactly how u want ur finances handled and decisions on Medical. Get all your important papers together. Don't make it hard for someone to find. Make out a Will if you have any assets and how u want them distributed. Write down what type of funeral u want. If possible, prepay it.

Other than my children, I would not put the responsibility of my POA or Executor on a friend or even a sibling. If I had no children, I would find a good established law firm.

I would start with your local area agency on aging, in my state we have Aging and Long Term Care. I would start with them. They are an amazing resource of information and if they do not have the information you need they will know where to send you. When I had to get my mom on Medicaid in order to get her a caregiver while I am at work I started with ALT. They were my one stop shop. They helped with everything and really made the process much less painful.

Good ideas for you already here. I like especially suggestions to move into town and/or have a room mate. I think about all this as well. I have a husband, two sons, and a brother, but none of us wants to burden others. My husband and I have a house in the mountains that we love love love, but I just can't see us living out our old age isolated and depending on others to bring us what we need. I watched my parents hiring help to take care of all they had. Nope. I won't do that. We also have a little house close to where my mom is in assisted living so we can keep track of her. Too much to care for though, two homes, two yards! I'm thinking about senior housing at some point - just a little apartment with an extra room for me to paint and draw in and easy access to the outdoors. All that my husband and I don't need should just be gone. It will take quite a while to get rid of everything, so I guess I should start.

Dear Rusti
So many of us older singles will face this. Many people gave great advice here. We looked at tiered communities for mom that offer independent living, assisted living, memory care and nursing home. So as needs progress you stay in place. Some accept medicare so if you run out of money they won’t evict you. Important point! If you are open to moving this might be something to consider. Its in the back of my mind for myself.
I hope you can share your concerns with your siblings and hopefully have support in your planning. Please let us know how your plans come along.

The Writing is on the Wall and All...Begin by getting your nancial affirs in order. Youmy ned to go to a Facility But you Need to get your Financil affairs in ordr Firt. talk to a Finacil Advisor and he or She will help Advise you what is the Best from the Rest thing to do to get ready for even Medicaid and still Have your Money.....Or To Trust someone with It.

Wow, my husband and I have talked about this many times and we still don't have a perfect solution. We have wills, POAs etc. in place and our son is listed on our safe deposit boxes so he knows where other paper work is. However, he lives two states away and has his own family so I can't expect him to disrupt his life to care for me. We have considered moving to his location when we are older, but for the time being, we are ageing in place in our custom home, designed to allow us to do just that.

I'd suggest consulting with an elder care attorney and any local agency on aging. Both likely have a multitude or resource suggestions that might help.

Best of luck.

Your local area on agency will only give you more information to research. Not really a help.
Reach out to a Fiduciary if you really have no one like myself. Also consider moving to a senior community where you can age in place. If you own your own home and really have no one to leave it to consider a reverse mortgage. You get tax free income and stay in your house. When you die the loan Co takes care of the property and will dispose of the contents. .

We're 'elder orphans,' in case you haven't heard that term. Yes, get your papers in order so someone will know what assets you have, how to find them. And appoint a trusted person as your PoA. Ask the question you asked here to your County Dept. of Aging. If you develop a serious health issue (mobility problems, dementia), it may be that the county nursing home is your final move.

Since I took care of my husband for 4 years while he had cancer I got to learn about how to stay at home while his health deteriorated.
I started ordering all my groceries online thru the walmart app. Delivery is $10 here. I could not leave the house even while hospice nurses were here. Luckily we have handicap bars in the bathroom and a walk in shower with bars. I was constantly having to walk him into his own bathroom because he was a fall risk. When my time comes I am hoping I can find someone that wouldn't mind room and board & some $ in exchange for taking care of me especially when I can't even make it to the portopotty next to the bed. I will probably end up with Chronic Kidney Disease as that is what my mother at 84 has had for many years. I finally got her to sign a medical POA so I could call in hospice for help when she gets worse.
Hospice CNA nurses do clean up bathrooms/portopottys and will help you bathe, dress, brush your teeth, shave, change the sheets and walk you to the bathroom and help you with your meds within the hour or two they are there. You can schedule them to come 2-3 times a week and then more later on as they are needed more, You don't have to be dying to get hospice care and medicare covers everything- you just get reevaluated every 6 months. All you need is the dr to say you are chronically ill and may not live more than 6 months. The hospice dr even comes to your house to see you and all your meds are delivered by fedex to your home.
As for cooking there are plenty of frozen meals for heating in the microwave. If you get dementia - do not use the stove at all - my husband was constantly leaving oatmeal burning on the stove. He finally let me cook it for him and I just used the microwave and put frozen fruit in it. He didn't like microwave food so I would just put it on a plate. Of course in the beginning I cooked alot but as he got worse I just didn't have time to cook.
I also put cameras in the kitchen and bedroom so I could watch him and the nurses on my cellphone while I was sitting in the dining area eating. Your helper can also monitor you that way from another room.
I would recommend getting a caregiver/widow 60 on up that is already retired on social security so they don't have to go to work or depend on you for much income. Advertise on craigslist rental section and be very picky, make them fill out a long application and do a background check online. Get a copy of their drivers license and application and give it to
someone you trust to store it for you. Ask your neighbor to come over and check on you to see how you are doing - or setup texting so you can text them daily about how you are doing. With memory care you are going to need a full time caregiver, hospice does offer respite care for caregivers to take a break too.
Setup your house so you can be wheeled around in a wheelchair inside with no obstacles if it ever becomes neccessary.Your caregiver can also call on hospice at any time if you refuse to take your meds or they need extra help in case you become combative. My husband was on so many meds in the end he didn't even know he was in his own house so could of gone to a facility as he already thought he was in one.
If you start wandering around at sunset by yourself (sundown syndrome) your caregiver may decide it's time for you to be in a facility.
We don't want you wandering down the road in your undies.
Setup automatic bill pay online for all your bills now while you have enough brains to do so. I set that up long ago for us-you setup the exact date you want the bill paid. (no more writing checks and you can check all your balances online)
Well am running over to take my mom grocery shopping, she still won't let me order her groceries online - very stubborn and doesn't like change.
Let me know what you decide to do because I know since I have no relatives to help me - I have to setup everything myself in advance.

Dear Rusti You have touched on a question so many of Us do ponder on with regard to our selves. As a Bachelor with no Children I have often asked myself that same question. I would ask a senior Nurse for advice as they are so up to speed on this same subject. I think Your greater problem is not Your age Bless You, it is living in isolation so far from Town.