Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Downsizing isn't easy. I know I have placed items in a box to donate only to pull a couple of items out to keep. I need to be more discipline and tell myself how often to I really look at that knick knack, and do I even recall who gave it to me or if I had bought it myself. But it is sooo cute :P

Heavens, I still have toys from my childhood 65+ years ago, items my parents had kept for me. I can't donate them because of lead paint, but I wish I could donate them to some historic home museum to use in their children rooms. I just can't throw them out :(
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Oh, meallen! I laughed so hard! Thank you so much for including this little gem in the midst of such a weighty subject. I’m still smiling!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This just reminded me of something my mother recently said--when I am no longer useful I will stop eating. And I asked, do you think I'll let you. She: I'll go in the bedroom where you can't see me. Me: You know, we share that bedroom. She: You will have to sleep on the couch.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I had been the caregiver for my mom and dad for three plus years. I also am care giver for my husband the past two years. what I have learned from this whole process is to have all of my affairs in order for when the time comes. pre pay the funeral home even if you need to make payments monthly. have a will and proxy all set up and ready to go. I also have all of our financial affairs in order. I have made a living will in case something happens also. since my parents never included us in their decisions to be made it was very difficult for me to have to make all of the decisions on my own. it was very painful and very stress full. so I sat down with my children and went thru it all. explained what was needed to be done and how I wanted it done .
to me its the only way for me to know that my kids will not go thru what I have been thru with my parents. as I told them if they live by my wishes things will go a lot easier and quicker and they could get on with their lives as I was unable to with my parents.....
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

First off Golden 23 --- you are amazing!!!
I worked for a woman who at 93 is still teaching seniors how to live.
I am 74 taking care of my 79 yr old husband who is wheelchair bound and cannot transfer alone and has incontant issues. He does not have ALZ but is basically checked out of all financial, social and life issues. I do it all plus.

Fortunately we have handled all legal issues -- and today I had my responsible son sign paperwork so he can manage IRA's if necessary. The next step is getting rid of "stuff". I will not burden my kids with that. The hard part is downsizing the house to a small condo until my DH is more ???? But it must be done soon.

This is a huge issue as this age group grows older and more infirm.
I agree with others that when we are at the point we need the help we probably won't realize we need it.

I have no answers or even useful suggestions -- except to get the necessary paperwork done now -- wills, financial plans, POA's, 5 Wishes, etc. Inform our children so they at least have the information and contacts. Then live every day to it's fullest! Fulfill your bucket list to the extent you can. Have fun!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

What a great thread - at times inspiring as well as depressing. I too, because of what my siblings have gone through (and are still going through) with my parents have learned a lot about what I want from my declining years. Neither of my parents had to caregive for their parents or inlaws so I don’t think they ever thought about it, and when they started to need help we all just pitched in so they could keep up their life-style in their home at a lot of personal and financial sacrifice on our part. This continued for around 15-16 years until we wore out and looked to a nursing facility for them both.
Would I want this burden for my children? As some of you have pointed out, it depends on the burden. We can relate to so many on this website, but some are caregiving in unimaginable circumstances. No, none of us would want to burden our children or anyone else taking care of us to the extent that they feel as if their life is not worth living. I must say, though, that the idea that we all are so independent that we never want to burden anyone is delusional. We all are caregivers from the moment we realize that someone exists besides oneself. We look out for siblings, friends, parents, strangers, people across the world in war-torn countries, homeless people in the camp a mile from where we live. And we are being cared for also by others, even if we live alone, think of the services that we use on a daily basis that allows us to live even though we pay for them, like electricity, internet, food grown on farms, garbage picked up and hauled away. Unless we live off the grid in a cave we serve and are being served everyday. I’m sorry I am rambling, but there is some good that I have learned, and I have grown from caring for my parents, and I think it would be good for my children to do so as well. I believe the issue is not that we burden our children, or other loved ones, but that we don’t “overburden” them. That is the dilemma. We came to this understanding when we realized that while our parents had little mobility and a lot of mental issues, due to our continued care, they were physically healthier than we were! This is what I don’t want for my children. I have learned so much from this website about how to pave the way for my children. I am not yet 60 but suffer from all kinds of aches and pains. I started yoga two months ago and noticed a huge difference in my range of motion and strength. I plan to keep it up, along with getting my paperwork together, POA, DNR, etc., to make it easier on my kids. I have already told my kids that I want to go to IL or AL when I start to decline.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

One thing I can say for my mother, she is almost too good at getting rid of stuff so we won't have to deal with it. I thank her for that.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Thay90, your situation makes me want to cry. I simply do not understand how some people can be so selfish and self centered, that they seem be EXPECT their children to give up their basic needs to take care of them when they have spent their lives living beyond their means. My heart cries for you and for everyone in that kind of situation.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

The past two months have been really eye-opening for me. My boyfriend and I aren't even 30 yet and we've started to have to take care of his mother while working full-time jobs ourselves. She kind of skated through life and never saved anything for retirement and all she lives off is a very small social security check and an equally small check from my boyfriend's father's pension. She blows through all of her money before the month is even over and has debt out the ears. We've been asked several times now to pay phone and utility bills. I think she really expects that he will take care of everything for her and that there are no consequences to her decisions. She's only 65 and was just diagnosed with Parkinson's, so she could live for another two decades easily but there's no money for her care. It's made us realize just how important it is to stash every buck we can away and make plans for what we would want even though we don't even have our own children yet.

And a huge thank you to all of you people who realize that expecting your children to take care of everything for you is a huge burden. We don't mind going over and visiting with her or taking her to dinner or a doctor's appointment, but having to fight her to go to doctor's appointments and figure out how we're going to afford ALF when it would be all of my boyfriend's gross paycheck for the cheapest place is daunting.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I'm 39; my father had a stroke 11 years ago this June; my mom is his caregiver and POA, and I have helped at various times in all kinds of capacities.

As a grown child with one incapacitated parent and the other parent who gives all her time to helping, the best thing you can do to prepare yourself and your children is to organize your life so that everything is in order and you know where your things are at.

Downsize before your kids have to do it for you. It's not just physical health, it's the health of your surroundings.

I do more fighting with my mom to get rid of old junk that my dad couldn't get her to get rid of when he was able-bodied over 11 years ago.

Do not burden your children with YOUR STUFF. Your children have their own lives and don't care about every item you own the way you do. Do not expect your children to take your stuff over for you. Do not expect your children to know what to do if you do not keep them informed of your final wishes and important paperwork, medications, insurances, etc.

I'm more estranged at times from my parents but still connected and I know when the ball drops it will be me who goes in to clean it all up; and the years of fighting will finally be over with. Unfortunately, the years of fighting could end sooner if my mother would respect my wishes as her grown child by understanding her stuff will fall on me. She's said to my face 'So what?' about me having to come in and clean up everything, and take time away from my life to do what she chooses not to do.

With your open question I hope my answer can give some insight into the frustrations grown children deal with beyond mental and physical health, and how parents can help by downsizing and letting go by choice before they have no other choice.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I don't think our children will be able to take care of us. I think they will be working till 70. Pensions are no more. What we need to do now is tell ourselves we r on our own. If we don't expect, we won't be disappointed. Downsizing to a nice apartment would be the best thing. No selling or Medicaid leans. The thinking...I want to stay in my own home is not fair to our kids. Complexes that have independent living, ALZ and LTN are great. Prepay for funerals and make sure what u want is in writing. Set up POAs with children who live the closest. Make sure there is a will. Important papers should be where children can easily get to them. Make sure you r aware of services in ur area. Keep active a involved so you don't have to depend on children for social life. I told my girls I don't expect them to physically care for me but I do expect them to help me if needed and celebrate birthdays and holidays with me.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

to
LeeCaregiver1 -- Your final words help to put it in a nutshell, I think: Live for Today-Plan for Tomorrow! I so agree with the practicalities: despite all wishes and intentions, we may well not easily recognise or be able to control our own condition, such as Dementia, which can advance slowly, though surely. So- I'd seek out the guidelines for practical, basic, now preparations, in case, as mentioned here and there throughout the (many) answers, (this is clearly a matter which can prey on so many of our minds), If we have a practical Offspring, to propose possible directions, or details for the final bit -- all the better. For the rest - I have seen a most feisty, rebellious person talking of taking a dramatic ending. When a cancer diagnosis came, she brilliantly settled all affairs, called up old friends, then let go quietly, at the end. Each to his own... but back to the beginning of this !
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Currently, thirty states (Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, and West Virginia) have passed FILIAL responsibility laws (money owed by son or daughter to pay living costs for parents). They would not have to pay if they didn't have the money.

In California, only the parent or the state may demand payment-not creditors. Also, after the parents death, no one has to pay their debts.
(San Diego Elder Law website.)

That said, it's all well and good (and I agree) to save money, contribute to IRA's and 401K's, buy long term insurance, etc, but, in reality, s**t happens.

I was so mature at 23, I had an IRA, (then a 401k) savings account, life insurance, CD's, etc.
I was going to have a million bucks by the time I retired, "they" said.

Fast forward-
inflation, then divorce, then a catastrophic illness in a foreign country not covered by U.S. insurance, and it was all wiped out in the blink of an eye. So much for planning.

I had retired in Mexico (even had a nice little job there) but with only one income ($400./mo.) and a hubby convalescing from a life threatening illness, I had to go back home (U.S.) to work to start making money all over again. Bad thing is, that 3 year retirement cost me dearly in "recent work experience". Didn't matter a rats a** that I'd been a nurse for 39 years, WHAT have I done in the last 3 years? Also, being near retirement age doesn't help. Who wants to hire someone with a few years left?
I've been promised (4 months ago) to make $5000./mo. Ha! I made $140./wk at that job. The only jobs that are open have no benefits and no scheduled hours. THAT'S why they're available. So it's not lookin' like I'll make back what I had to spend. Oh well, cost of living is cheaper in Mexico. Hopefully Social Security will be there for me, as I've paid into it since age 17.
Just sayin'
Sometimes life doesn't cooperate with your plans.

Dana,
No need to slash your veins and go wading out in the ocean. Come to sunny Mexico where you can buy any drug of your choice for $80. ($40. for doctor's prescription, $40. for medicine). Wouldn't you rather take a long "nap" than be bitten to pieces from whatever finds you?

DNR sheets for all!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

IMO, there is a difference between having your children care for you--rides to the doctor, helping with spring and fall cleaning, picking up library books, can't think of what else right now, and being a burden. 5 or 10 years of not being able to sleep through the night--not because of a 2 am feeding, but because you are constantly listening for trouble, not being able to get to your own doctors' appointments, praying that your back won't give out...that I wouldn't want to do to my children even if they were capable.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Invisible, Some parents think it is OK to be a burden to their children. That is what they have children for. I was cautioning my mother one day about giving my brother all of her money. She said, "Well, when I spend all my money, I'll just live off you and Jack (my husband)". Funny, not the brother she gave all the money to.

I am doing all the stuff all of you honest caregivers have mentioned. I own guns but have decided not to use one because I don't want to give the gun control people more ammunition (pun not intended). I have had a couple of friends use carbon monoxide it worked for them. I do not want to be a burden to my children and I pray that I won't.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I know our parents don't want to burden us, but it is right for us to care for them in their time of need and we role model that to our children, who will hopefully do the same. There is so much we can't control, even with perfect nutrition, exercise, etc. I had two friends die this year of ALS and IPF, neither of which were expected or justified. You can organize all your paperwork, prepay funeral costs, and support Alzheimer research. There WILL be solutions in your future life time to at least slow the progress until your body catches up. By the way, vacations/holiday breaks are a relatively new thing. Leisure wasn't something people experienced before the 1950s.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Live! I agree with Grandma1957 and Suzy QB in getting all your wishes in order and all the paper work done. If you are young get LTC Insurance now as it is less costly than waiting until you are in your late 50 or 60's. If I get a Dementia i may not have the capacity to walk out in the desert and sit under a rock and die or many cases to take those pills that some of you talked about. After taking care of my wife for 7 years and last 16 months in a memory care unit-I would be okay with that with the hope I am not mean but compatible until the day I die. So do I want to be like that-No. I may not have a choice by then. Any other disease i will live my life to the fullest until I die and hopefully it is my sleep. Our kids have a packet of everything that they need to do with passwords-access to accounts-trust papers to make the process easier and where money is to go upon my death. I am 68 and hope to be around for another 30 years but in case I am prepared to minimize the burden on our kids. Live for Today-Plan for Tomorrow!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Honestly....I have told everyone around me...if you see I am having a heart attack. Stroke, whatever...LEAVE ME ALONE.

I have seen the lack of quality of life after those events. DO NOT "come to me aid".

The long decent into ever increasing helplessness is not a ride I will take willingly. Not a ride I will condemn my kids to take with me. Leave me alone and let me go!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

My sister didn’t want her kids burdened if she gets AZ, so she put in her health directive, that as soon as she cannot feed herself, no one is to feed her. That eliminates possibly many years of someone feeding you and giving you Ensure. People can live for years on Ensure or something similar. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I think that if the burden becomes too great, then you should hire someone to come in to help out. You should tell your children to do the same. Usually, a little help doesn't cost much.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I have no idea--all being well I will have an ok pension and some from an IRA. I have already have sold my house to meet my daughters' medical debts, so that's my main assent gone. in two years, three month, I could go into my IRS if necessary to pay for more treatment. I would never tell them this, but at the point I saw I could not take care of them, I'd off myself, having made arrangements for their care. What worries me is that I won't know when that point comes, and will have hung on too long to make a rational decision. My mother is 26 years older than I am; I hope I outlive her. All that said, I realize I am amazing lucky to have had a house to sell, a job with a pension, money enough early in life to open an IRA.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

@longplay53, I think you should be close to your mother, because she should have welfare checks from loved ones, why don’t you bring her out by you and it is not her decision it’s your forced decision.  Would be win/win situation.  I do agree with your mother, as I moved back to mother because we have no family in the USA and I was the only daughter and only person, I am glad to have been there to ensure her well being, I would really never entrust it to non family members, because for the most part, low paid nursing home personnel just don’t care like family does. She should be close enough that you can drop in on her and check on her, doing so from a distance (as I have learned) is not good enough, you actually have to SEE what is going on.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

SueC1957, thanks for the update on Medicare and living out of the country. I always wondered about that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I concur with you 110%, it has got me to thinking too..I would never expect or wish that of my children (if I had any) because of my plight. Especially not to an only child such as I. I am thinking of buying LTC insurance so that I would have a caregiver come in to take care of me in my old age, or I am thinking I would go to Assisted Living (AL) seems like it is a joy to elders and I would only want my children to check in on me, not day to day operations with me, but check on my welfare often enough. I would never want my kids to feel towards me the way I do to my mother now. I am resentful, remorseful and everything in between. I have been doing this now since 2008 and my mother is only improving so I feel like I am going to be doing this another 20 more years to which I would be 70 then!!! There goes my life!! There are parts of this I do enjoy, but for some reason, I am very mad about this.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Here is what we did. We maxed out on IRA and 401k contributions all our working years and invested in balanced funds. In our 50s and early 60s we bought good long term care policies. When I turned 80 we sold the house and moved to a continuing care community where we will live the rest of our lives. Yes, it’s expensive but that’s what we saved for. We planned and paid for our funerals. We had wills, trusts, POAs, health care directives, etc drawn up and assigned health and financial fiduciaries. We discussed all that with the kids so they know what to expect. Beneficiaries were updated. Since my kids don’t get along, we made sure with the help of our attorney that everything is legal so our wishes will be enforced.

Just to add a touch of reality, nursing home rates in Calif start at about $300 a day. Where we live, it’s closer to $400 if you want quality care. You need to do your homework in advance so you don’t end up in a really bad situation.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

One thing I will say is that my parents hated "old people" and greatly resented the care they gave for their elderly parents. My parents swore they would never become those people and never become a burden. Well, fast forward a few decades and they HAVE become those people. Please don't EVER tell your children that they just don't understand what it's like to be old, or that they will be old too, or, that their spouse will become a burden some day, yada yada.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Agreed about planning for finances; all I have to add is that I've suggested my daughter live in a state that does not have a filial responsibility law. In Pennsylvania, nursing homes can and do go after the assets of adult children, while other states like Texas impose no filial obligation.  I also do what I can to stay healthy as possible, but my health has deteriorated since becoming a caregiver.  When I'm exhausted from caregiving, I don't feel like working out. 

I would rather die than go to AL or a nursing home. I've also told my daughter that she is not allowed to see me doing the things she sees me do for my mother, like help her up, get dressed, to the potty chair, changing her Depends, wiping her bottom. If I am lucky enough to get cancer like my father, I'm going to move to Oregon and let nature take its course. I'm already on more blood pressure meds than my mother, and at the first sign of cognitive impairment, I'd like to have a nice peaceful death with sleeping pills or painkillers, but thanks to the hysteria about opioids, they're next to impossible to get now.

So I plan on going to Dignitas, a group in Switzerland that allows assisted suicide - they allowed it for a nurse in her 70s who did not want to endure old age after working in nursing homes. If not that, I'll take a lot of aspirin, cut open my veins, and swim out in the ocean, and pray I have the guts to go through with it. If I become incapacitated for any reason, I've told my daughter to let me rot in some horrible nursing home rather than become a caregiver.  

I think there is a difference between despair suicide and rational end of life management to avoid living with no quality of life and becoming a burden. 
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Like others responding here, this hits close to home. My 88-year-old mother is in senior living half the country away, in poor health, but in great financial shape. She has done a lot of legal prep for what happens upon her death so that is pretty well taken care of.

Nevertheless, it could be said that she is a burden, though it may only be that I take on too much guilt associated with not being there for her. I chose to retire further away that I was before and she was very angry about that. While to some extent I have control over my burden of guilt, it doesn't help that my mom all too often drops little barbs about other people's children being there for them. And if you tell her about you own health issues, she berates you saying you don't know what it's like to be dying.

So ... what I tell myself is that when I get to the stage where my mom is, I won't put guilt trips on my kids, and that I'll try to be kind to them, realizing they have have their own problems and their own lives to live. I have no idea what will be going on in my mind at that time, but I pray I can face it well and not burden others, but instead lift their load.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I agree with 12paws! My parents planned the financial aspects (wills, pre-paid burial, LTC insurance). That is great and I am lucky in that regard. They never really planned for a retired or elderly "lifestyle". So, at around age 70, despite good health at that time, they declared they were "too old" for pretty much everything and just gave up. This has resulted in a wasted decade of negativity that has ruined their retirement and has influenced my Middle-age years dramatically. I guess what I'm saying is that attitude and resilience may be almost as important as getting the financial and legal stuff in place. My parents aren't even 80 yet but one is in an ALF and the other is not too far behind. LTC is paying for the care but I am still involved in managing their lives on a daily basis. This is likely to continue for at least another decade. My parents were marathon runners and health nuts, planners and savers. They just never planned to actually get "old" and slow down. When that happened, they declared they were better off dead than continuing on. Hearing your parents discuss and threaten suicide for years becomes a real emotional burden!!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter