What should I do about my 91-year-old mother saying second skilled nursing facility staff are ignoring her?

Ok I'm going to give you our personal experience and you can take it for what it is worth.

But first - ask yourself this question. What situation did your mother come from into the nursing home? Was she living alone and able to take care of her own needs immediately? Or living with someone else who took care of her needs immediately? Or just used to having people take care of things for her without her having to wait?
Be warned - my FIL and I have a contentious relationship LOL. He is a true narcissist - and people around him have dealt with that by just doing whatever it took to keep him quiet and happy.
Before we moved my FIL into the nursing home - I do not believe he had EVER had to wait (at least not patiently) for a single thing in his entire life. My SIL and BIL had moved in with him for their own needs well before he needed caregivers. But almost immediately - because they "owed" him - he began raising his expectations and demands. And very quickly (within 18 months) became completely dependent on other people for getting his needs met. In self-preservation - because he was very verbally abusive - SIL would just do things to keep him happy (just like everyone else his entire life).

Then we moved him into the nursing home. He SWEARS they don't do anything for him. He engaged DH and SIL to advocate for him at every need - rather than push his call button he would call his children on the phone and tell them that he had been waiting for HOURS for help and no one was coming. He would call his sister in another state and she would call the nurses's station and yell at them. It was pandemonium. We had to make her stop - and tell her if she didn't we would password protect his name and take her number out of his phone and block her.

Because he is unhappy and has not adjusted - he blames everyone. They ignore him. No one talks to him. No one helps him. Problem. We have made MULTIPLE surprise visits - and his stories don't hold up. We've called him and heard them in the room and upon arrival they've been in the room again. But he will tell us he doesn't see anyone for HOURS.

He will alternate between sitting and holding the call button but NOT pushing it and swearing he has been waiting for hours and they will find him with in his hand ( we've been told this at MULTIPLE facilities and the hospital) and then pushing the button so often that they don't have a chance to even get out of the room before he is pushing it again.

From what we can tell - from talking to other residents and families, the staff there are very attentive. I'm sure it is probably slower on weekends because they have fewer CNAs and nurses no doubt. And frankly - if I were going to pick someone to ignore, it would probably be him because he has repeatedly said that HE is the only one they should pay attention to - everyone else there can wait. (I've heard him say it...to the nurses and the CNAs, who all just roll their eyes). But he is being very well taken care of.

If you feel like she is safe and healthy and well looked after where she is, then chalk it up to exactly what you said. There are some who believe that all facilities are horrible. They aren't. She may continue to remain unhappy and not understand why they aren't immediately responding. My FIL expects them to be standing right outside of his door, waiting for his call LOL.

But it is what it is. She will get used to it...or she won't. You can try to talk till you are blue in the face. Or you can just smile, pat her hand and ask her about bingo.

At 91 she may have lost comprehension of how much time actually passes by.
Her days may seem really long to her .

Do you think she is being well cared for ?
I used to visit Mom’s AL at different times of the day , even twice a day some days . The aides new I would pop in at any given time . I do believe this was an incentive for the staff to possibly be attentive a bit more quickly IF possible . My mother was horrible to them and I assumed that would cause some of them to avoid her . My dropping in at all different times was the antidote to my mothers poison tongue . Also thanking the staff and bringing them treats . I took the you get more bees with honey than vinegar approach as much as possible, even when addressing a legitimate complaint with the staff . You get more by being friendly rather than being accusatory . That being said , there were a few times when someone really dropped the ball and I let them know that . On the whole Mom was well cared for and good thing because she needed to be where she was . She was a narcissist with dementia and would not tolerate caregivers coming to the house .

My mother also complained . Unfortunately , there can be a long wait sometimes when a call button is pushed , particularly at meal time and weekends when the staff is serving and feeding residents.

When Mom was in rehab at SNF after a stroke ( and she didn’t have dementia yet) , the CNA’s would come around 4pm and offer to toilet my mother . She would refuse . Then I swear as soon as she heard the dinner tray carts come up she was ringing her bell to use the bathroom . I witnessed this everyday for days .
I told my mother that she had to try to work within the schedule the aides go by . I told my mother to toilet at 4 pm when they come in and offer that , so she wasn’t now needing to pee during dinner time. Sheez. I told my mother things would go much smoother if she aligned herself with the schedule .
I told her whenever the aides come in , that’s when you have them do whatever you need done , don’t refuse and send them away .

I know it’s tough . They like to complain about all and everything . If she is well cared for , you will have to try to ignore some of her complaints. Change the subject when you can .

‘Ignoring her’ probably means not immediately doing what she wants.

Mnay people in AL's are not as cognizant of time as they were. I visit a friend who had a stroke during brain surgery. She has lost her ability to tell time and to understand it.

She rings her call button incessantly--up to 500xs per day. They had to disconnect hers and put her in a room across from the nursing station so the aides could just look in to see if she was OK.

By the time my friend would get someone to answer her frantic calling--she would have always forgotten what she needed.

I think the facility handled it as best they could.

You say "Skilled Nursing Facility' and then you say "Assisted Living". These are 2 completely different types of care facilities. If an AL, then thats what it means, they assist. Neither sit there and hold your hand. They are not companions. They are aides doing their jobs. In Moms AL the aides were also expected to help with meals. Serving, getting drinks and cleaning up. Mom needs to realize that she is not the only resident her aide is caring for.

Perhaps hiring a helper/companion through Visiting Angels or Care.com would help her feel that her needs are being met. Perhaps the helper could wear a camera.

Assisted Living is just that, residents are expected to be able to to most of the things to care for themselves like dressing, feeding, etc. My Mom made a point of making her bed everyday, getting up and dressed and to meals on time. The only concessions she made was to have an aide sit in her room while she showered and to have the nurses administer her meds. Her AL had 2 aids for 48 residents and independence was encouraged.

I made a point of visiting at different times, several days a week to check on her and her care. I introduced myself to all the aides and got to know the ones Mom especially liked. She too claimed that her calls were ignored but I know that was just her warped sense of time. One aide called me late one night because Mom was having night terrors, Alice sat with Mom and helped calm her down and was very sweet to her.

I think your perception may be accurate.
How do you feel about the place when you visit?

What does she mean ignoring her?
They are not going to wait on her hand and foot.
she needs to do things for herself.
Maybe make a list of things they need to do for her?

A lady at the facility I'm at felt something similar as your mom did. A few calls to DON, handled this. Now, as soon as the call light is pressed, she gets almost immediate service.