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Commutergirl's comment mentions something that has a flip side. There are cases where the step-parent is not doing the right thing, exercising due diligence in seeing that their parent receives proper care. In that case, the adult children would be justified in seeking whatever legal means are necessary for them to step in and make it happen. Then you have the reverse scenario where the step-parent *is* being the caregiver and exercising due diligence, however, the step-children are trying to overstep the step-parent's authority. Some step-children honor their step-parents and some treat them with disrespect, seeking to exclude their parent's caring spouse in some ways. One way is to practice deceit, to try to gain access to the couple's legally joint finances (as is the law in the parent and spouse's residence), try to wriggle their way in to possibly convince their parent with dementia that his or her spouse isn't competent to handle things, isn't to be trusted, etc. Trust me. It happened to my mother (my stepfather had been widowed twice and Mom was his third wife). Mom was a CNA and was perfectly capable and willing to care for him and had been managing the household finances well since he had become unable to do so. For some unknown reason, his previously congenial step-daughter from his second marriage and his blood grandson did a complete "180 turn" and went against my mother, then went over Mom's head. They convinced my stepfather, who had cancer and dementia, that my mother was having affairs with various men at church and who knows what other lies they told him. They convinced him to give the two of them DPOA. They then went to the bank and cleared out all the sayings and CDs that were in a joint account with Mom. They took most of the money, not merely half. My mother was in for a shock and the bank said they couldn't stop it. Laws should be in place where the bank is required to notify the joint account owner and get their permission in a case like that, especially since this involves the spouse! They got all legal authority they could get and when he finally died, my mother had seen a lawyer. He couldn't recover the money they "stole" from my mother's joint bank account, but since they were married 10+ years she was entitled to half the proceeds from the sale of the house. Had she not gone to the lawyer, she wouldn't have gotten a penny. So, there you have both sides of it.
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Yes, get Assisted Living for dad.
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You say your dad had a stroke but he "fully recovered".
But yet he can't pick up his meds (from the pharmacy? So we'll assume he can't drive or walk that far?), he can't take his own blood sugar (so he can't move his hands or fingers to operate the glucometer or see well enough to use the machine?) Does he have dementia?

Why would he accept candy if he knows he's diabetic? Why would your mother GIVE him candy KNOWING that it could cause diabetic coma and death?
I was wondering along the same lines as Bob about your mother possibly wanting to do him in.

Your dad clearly needs intervention immediately. Even if you have to physically take your dad and admit him (with his permission) to an Assisted Living Facility and privately pay for the first month, it will save your father's life.

Too bad for your mom (at this point). It's all about your dad's health right now.

After he is settled in, have your mother get a psychiatric evaluation.
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This is so sad. I can't understand how someone could be this way.

Unless your father has been legally declared incompetent, I'm pretty sure he is in charge of making his own medical decisions.

I don't see how your mom can rightfully deny all of these things for him, when it is not her choice.

Personally, if it were my father, I would move him in with me and take care of him.

Best of luck to you.
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This is quite a touchy subject. On one hand if they don't seem to care about the illness and preventive maintenance or just maintenance, and they are legally sane, there is really nothing you can do. If your dad is in his "right" mind and continues to be self destructive, you can't blame it all on your mom. If they are quite older, maybe in their minds they just want to live the way they want and not be told what to do, regardless of the outcome.
If your Mom is not forcing these foods down his throat he willingly eats the candy and stuff, it is his choice, even though he knows the outcome of that behavior.
Have you tried lovingly talking with both of them about your concern and how much you love them and want to have them around as long as possible?
Are you able to pick up meds and check in to make sure they take them?
I know it is difficult to be in your situation, rely upon the Lord and pray about it. And do whatever you can to be helpful, and encouraging to them. But really they have to choose to change their behaviors you cannot force them, it will not go well. Best wishes, hope it is resolved soon for you.
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I might be missing something. You say that your father has diabetes. You also mention a stroke but say he has fully recovered from that. Those are his only limitations? There are many senior adults living with and managing their own diabetes. Generally, diabetes is not a reason to need a caregiver or in home help. Mentally capable adults either choose to follow their doctors advice or they do not. If your father is not mentally or physically impaired to an extent that makes him unable to make his own choices, then it would be his job to take care of himself. Your mother has no right to make his food choices for him or make sure he takes his medication etc. I realize he's your dad and if he's not eating what he should, and ending up in the hospital due to his own irresponsible behavior that is scary. I can understand why you would like to have someone force him to take better care of himself, but, unless there is some reason you didn't put in your question why he can't make those choices, then he is entitled to make his own choices whether they are good for him or not. Age, in and of itself, does not remove our rights, nor, our responsibility to take care of ourselves.
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JjFlorida,
Where are you? It's been 5 days and we only have your original post.
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Get adult protective services involved - for both your parents. It can even be an anonymous report.
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