fuzzyknot Asked August 2021
When will I stop feeling like I’m lost in space?
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Depression. It was rough.
So I asked my Doctor for help.
I took a low dose... my decision... anti-depressant. And saw a great therapist. She was such a great help.
I started to get involved. Being with people was what I needed.
I took a teaching position at a local college, took a philosophy class for years n other courses.
Joined dome groups.
I also have grandkids who mistreated me in ways you would not believe.
And we had had a great relationship... but the death of my daughter, their mother, set things into motion.
I was strong enough after 6 yrs to say they were not welcome to visit n I had to block them on social media ... they only wanted what they could get their hands on.
But I'm at peace.
Im 83 n have no one... yes that hurts but to have my granddaughter lecture me fir an hour on hie to behave at her baby shower. I was still running 2 corporations I started myself.
Then her husband did not understand why she was lashing out at him n me.
So they came for a visit and we were to talk.
Inoted my granddaughter pit her while bodybin loudly screaming. Her whole body got red. I debated walking away but waited. Nothing happened except the silent treatment, but they stayed for another 3 days.
Rexcuses to apology.... n now makes up stories.
So for my sanity I will no longer have contact.
And i closed my businesses and teach at a college.
I drive and continue to do all.my work.
I don't know the future but I'm in a very good place.
You may be disoriented for several months, but you will regain your equilibrium bit by bit. Be kind to yourself just like you would be to a friend who had recently lost her mother. For a while, you will feel "lost in space.".
If you want to give others in your family a break from your texting and talking, try writing out your feelings. Buy a composition book or a journal, and write whatever you are feeling. You can even write all the things you don't want to say out loud to anyone. You can throw the journal away later if you want to. You might think you have nothing to say in a journal or you don't want to bother to WRITE, but often, if you get started, you,'ll find things pouring out of you onto the page. It helps to put your thoughts and feelings into a linear form instead of having them circle forever in your head.
This is still a very fresh wound for you. Do not rush yourself. You will begin to notice more and more happy memories of your mother.
I was numb. Couldn’t function. I had a virtual with my doc. First she said my emotions were normal. I couldn’t believe that feeling so mixed up and in my own warp could be normal. She suggested grief counseling. I held back but in the end reached out to a grief counselor.
The counselor helped me navigate through my families birthdays, holidays and death anniversaries.
You choose your “normal”. Don’t let normal choose you.
At first, I had all the end of life notifications to make so that kept me busy. Then we had a virtual service (no regular calling hours or funeral were allowed at the time). I had put off going through boxes of things that were from the family house when it was sold so I forced myself to do that. We visited our kids/grandkids without worrying that I'd have to get back for an emergency. And then there was a celebration of life to plan this summer which was both sad and cathartic. Keeping busy with things that both remind you of the person you lost as well as things you didn't do because you were caring for that person will gradually get you back on track. It does take time, you can't make it happen any sooner than you're ready but it does happen. Set small goals for yourself each day and you'll feel good when you've accomplished them. Over time, you'll have larger goals and they won't seem as daunting. Eventually you start to feel more like your "old" self. This doesn't mean you won't have sad times or times when you simply can't accomplish what you set out to do but those become fewer as the months go by.
I'm very sorry for your loss. As much as we try to prepare for the inevitable, we are never truly prepared when it happens. As I'm writing this, my phone kindly brought up a picture of a "memory" from 4 year ago - Mom on her front porch with all her beautiful flowers. It still makes me cry. When she and I would talk about getting older, she would always say "It beats the alternative!" Oh, she was so right!
Besides spending time with family and Spot, I do simple, healing things. I "play" in my garden, and have worked on some projects - knitting, sewing, carpentry - all work with my hands that I already had some skills with - nothing new to learn, and no deadlines. I also did some major closet cleaning out with several trips to various recycling centers and resale shops. That was therapeutic to me because I felt like I was getting my life back, but might be overwhelming to other people.
Something that a lot of people have a hard time realizing is that your emotions are all yours and all valid. Sometimes I hear people say "I shouldn't feel this way." or "I should be over this now." Well, no. We don't control our feelings. We can and should control our actions, but acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel them.
Just give yourself time to heal. If you are feeling like it is more than you can handle, check into grief support groups.
I've been through same situation in last 18 months with death of my mother in law (95), my father (91), and my 18.5 year old soul mate dog. I can say at least for me, the sadness, grief, guilt, the "what-ifs" don't go away or leave they just move into the background a little and come to the mental and physical surface off and on.
I would find a grief counseling service, group, church group on grief support to see if that helps. I couldn't find anything suitable until just recently for me but I felt content grieving on my own and trying to acknowledge every feeling that surfaced. I wanted to feel it, yet I didn't. It's important to not stuff the feelings down or they will surface another time and might be more complex thrn. It's not easy but a recent grief session I participated in said it well. Their physical presence is gone but their presence is never gone, do what you can to honor them, to keep them alive in your heart and mind. We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love.
God's blessings upon you as you navigate this road we unfortunately must all travel. Seek outside support and help if it helps. For me grieving solo seemed to be the most comforting but everyone is different.
Wearing black for six months?
Wearing purple, or dark colors for the next six months?
Seems to me that we gave people TIME back then. Also, with the visual reminder, other people would know to be gentle with the mourner.
Maybe they had the right idea. To remind themselves that mourners would not even feel human for a year.
Can you metaphorically “dress in black”? I don’t mean to be depressed the entire time, but to give yourself permission to be sad. To slowly wade through the grief. For at least a year.
Perhaps even get some jewelry to wear, black or not, to remind you that it’s okay to feel the way you are feeling.
Best wishes.
I also resisted "upgrades and extras" at the Funeral home but they did have one thing I am glad I got. I had an impression of my Husband thumbprint done in silver, I wear that along with the ring.
You have identified yourself as a caregiver for many years and now that role has ended. It will take time to move forward into new things. You could pick up some of the things you did before caregiving but now might be the time to consider something new.
Years ago I started writing (to myself) a document on my computer called "Wondering Who I Am" because I realized that after all the years of a living with a controlling husband and now caring for him, I lost "me." Maybe you could try writing for your own sake, not words anyone else will ever need to read. I find writing helps me process.
Because of that you loose friends and a sense of “self”.
Then in a matter of hours your world changes. You are no longer a caregiver. You’re no longer “doing” for someone hour after hour, day after day.
It took me a long time before I could be out and not look at my watch and say or think “I have to get home by 3 because the caregiver has to go.”
It took me a long time before I could sleep through the night, waking every few hours to change my Husbands brief, or change his position.
You need to find You again. What did you do before you were a caregiver? Can you that? Or is there something you have felt strongly about?
I Volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I also Volunteer with a Veterans group. These activities help keep me busy and I feel good contributing.
Sure it is still difficult at times. I hear a song on the radio and one time it has no effect on me, another time and I breakdown. No rhyme nor reason.
Give yourself time.
Be kind to yourself.
And I will share this with you…
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love
((hugs))
Give yourself time to grieve and to come to term with your new reality. It is early days yet.
Do something that makes you feel pampered and special, as often as you can right now. Get out and interact with others, even just smiling and saying hi can help you rebalance.
Great big warm hug!
My husband died Sept. 2020, and I can say that I now finally feel like I can move forward with my life.
You may have to start with some baby steps, by getting yourself out there more and interacting with the humans all around you. And eventually, you may just discover that you're once again enjoying your life. Your mom would want that for you. I wish you peace, but mostly I wish you joy!!! God bless you.
My mom died the day before yours, and it was a very long time coming. I've felt pretty much OK the whole time except for a general brain fog that needs to clear up soon because I have to finish organizing her services for next week, clean the house, and get ready for all my kids to come home for the weekend. I finally got her obituary written and submitted to the paper on Friday, so that was a start.
I hate that her services are a full month after her death, but everyone in Mom's church decided to die at once, and the 28th was the best date we could get. I finally realize why people need closure, because I truly need to close out this chapter and hope the fog will lift. I just hope someone shows up to the services. The church told me today that with the latest Covid surge, only four people who weren't family came to the service held there on Friday!
It has been about 3 weeks since your Mom passed. That is not long. You are still grieving. Let your body grieve.
My dad said he was a zombie, kind of looking for her for about three years. It took ten years for me to not go into her granny apartment and not call out to her, letting her know I was home. For a couple of years after she had passed, I did it anyway. Felt weird not to.
Honestly, the reason you are zombie-like is because you haven’t processed the loss. You’ve hit the “pause” button, because the pain to too all-encompassing, too great to handle, and subconsciously, you’re afraid of dealing with it. That it will break you.
I would STRONGLY suggest you speak to a grief counselor. They will very very gently get you talking, and the zombie ness will go.
In shutting yourself off, know that you are also shutting yourself off to life. Feeling joy is like a betrayal to her, because she’s not there to enjoy it, and how dare you feel joy or laughter when she’s gone? But the truth is, your mom loved you, and she wouldn’t want you to live your life this way. She wouldn’t want you to be a zombie. She would want you to cry with your children, and tell your wife that you miss your mom, and feel grief and loss, but also love, happiness, and kindness.
All of us are sad a little all the time, because we know that at any moment, it could vanish. That’s what makes life special. That’s what made having your mom special, and why it hurts so much now that she’s not here to share the rest of your life with you.
But those that we love and lose never truly leave us. They take a piece of us with them, because we are never the same after they go. But, they also leave a piece of them behind.
HUGS, my friend.