When my father passed a few years ago, he was cremated. My mother survives him, as well as 5 grown children. My mother was not sure if she wanted to be cremated, so we waited to bury my dad in a Veterans Cemetery until she determined what she wanted to do. In the interim, my brother (who was an absentee son) has held the ashes 3 hours away. My mother decided to be cremated and both my mother and I requested that the ashes be returned so that my father could be interred. There have been numerous issues within the family by way of squabbling and there's always somebody not talking to the other. As a result of this, my mother wanted to be sure that when she passed, she knew she would be side by side with my father. So, she asked that we make those arrangements with the Veterans Cemetery, which I did. However, my 3 out-of-town siblings refuse to honor my mother's request and my brother refuses to release the ashes. The other two siblings think that we are dishonoring my father by treating him like a "football", being passed around. I support my mothers request. She lives with me and I know that this bothers her. She fears that she won't be buried with my father. So now, the family has shut down and no longer communicates at all. My father sits on my brother's mantle.....my mother who is now 80 wonders how this is going to all shake out because she cannot be buried in the Veterans cemetery without my father being in there too. I feel my siblings are being vengeful for past issues with my mother and are trying to show their "loyalty" to their father. Ironically, you could count on on hand the number of times they visited in the last 5 years of his life. I can let it go and my mother kind of has too, but am I dishonoring my father by not acting more pro-actively trying to get him buried, like he wanted to be.
I'll suggest a couple of things be added to the attorneys request for return of ashes: get an estimate or two for the cost of a full cremation and vault or mausoleum for mom - this won't be cheap either. In the attorneys letters to your siblings, it indicates that they will be billed and held responsible for all this IF ashes not returned and available for veterans cemetary burial. Funeral & burial even w/cremation could run 4K add mauseleom or vault, could take it to 10K
Pam brings up a good point that anyone with veterans in their family should keep in mind. A lot of them are full. My FIL is in the one in Santa Fe (this is a really beautiful cemetery with old, old headstones) and they are full for traditional burials; MILs cremation box can be put in at his grave which eventually will happen but has to be scheduled for certain days. When I went to deal with finding out about coverage in my moms pre-need, I asked if FH could hold the body if we wanted to wait a bit of time to bury, FH told me that they could do this as they often have to wait weeks often to bury at Ft Sam Houston vets cemetery. This FH has a refrigerated facility (has a daily cost after a week though).
but honoring your parents should be top priority
Perhaps a firm letter from a lawyer directing Brother to return Father's ashes to Mother would be helpful.
And I must say, this is really carrying family feuds way too far. Holding ashes hostage? OMG.
Who is in charge? The Executor of the Will, who carries out the terms that are written in the Will.