Why does my elderly mother single me out as the one stealing from her?

Cindy,

I'm speaking to you from 25 years experience doing homecare and having been a caregiver to my mother who is very like yours.

You are a female. Therefore the motherly scapegoating will fall on you rather than your brothers. This is so common.

You should stop going to your mother's home to help her. She should not be living on her own anymore and getting her into assisted living or memory care would probably be the best thing for her and everyone else.

Your therapist is right. Don't visit her anymore. You can get your name removed as POA and replaced with your local brother by going to the lawyer who did the documents.
Let him deal with your mother's abuse which she likely will not lay on him.

I'll tell you something else too. Many people with dementia can turn it on and off for certain people. It's called 'showtiming'. The villifying, verbal abuse, scapegoating, negativity, and accusations are often reserved for one person. You've drawn the short straw on that one.
Take your therapist's advice because they are right.

It is very common for the elderly with dementia to accuse people of stealing or other nefarious acts. I know it must be very hurtful to you. I have been fortunate that my mom has not accused me of such, but she does tell people that I am dying from cancer. A therapist is going to tell you that it is not healthy for you to subject yourself to such torture and if this were a coworker or a friend or a neighbor I would say your therapist is spot on, Unfortunately, this is your mentally ill mother and she doesn't have control over her demented brain. This is easier said than done, but don't take it personally and try to redirect the conversation. You could decide that you can no longer be her POA or have a relationship with her. That is well within your rights to do so. I guess the question is can you learn to not take it personally and come to grips with the fact that she is not mentally ok and that you are assisting a mentally ill person? If you can do that and not make yourself sick, then you've won the battle.

Don't get me wrong, there are days I dread going to see my mom. Sometimes knowing that I am going can give me angst, but I try to put myself in her shoes and hope that someone cares enough to manage my care like I am doing for her.

This is hard stuff...no two ways about it. It is all the harder if you didn't have a good relationship with them to begin with and you've got siblings who don't help at all. I am right there with you!

Anybody that needs 20 people to help them function is not independent. Your mom needs to be in AL.

And stop going over there every 2 months. Listen to your therapist.

Accusing others of stealing is classic dementia. From your description it sounds like it’s been coming on a long time. They lose empathy for loved ones and it’s all about them. My mother is like that too. At some point she trusted you enough to give you POA over her finances so clearly she thought you were a responsible and trustworthy person. I would get her to the doctor asap even if you have to trick her to get her into the car. She needs meds. She cannot be left alone anymore and can possibly start wandering, using the stove, calling police, etc. dementia sufferers can go down hill quickly. It’s a very mysterious disease. I’ve been there. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I really think you cannot/should not manage the affairs, financial and otherwise of someone without a diagnosis. In an answer below you say she isn't diagnosed because she doesn't want to be.

It is up to the POA to take care of finances ONLY IF a person is incompetent BY LAW to do that for her/himself.
And that isn't the case here.
You indicate she can shine it on enough to fool folks, but that can't happen with dementia.
No neuro-psyc doctor can be fooled by confabulation, and confabulation is most often be used by the mentally ill.

I think that you are being accused by her because you are handling her finances and she is paranoid about that. Whether this is because of mental illness or dementia you cannot know, and if you do not know you cannot operate on her behalf just ASSUMING she is incapable of handling her own affairs. I am amazed any bank has allowed you to manage this woman's finances for her without requiring a full diagnosis of her being incapable in her own behalf. Usually banks go to GREAT LENGTHS to prevent this, refusing many POAs that are not very well written by a very good attorney.

In the case of most of the mentally ill they are incapable of handling their finances, but not LEGALLY under the law. They are allowed, under the law to make as much of a muddle of their finances as they wish to. A court is LOATHE to remove a citizen's rights to their own finances and management from them.


I would resign the POA, myself, unless there is a diagnosis. I would step out of this stew completely and let the poop hit the fan.
Meanwhile, whomever IS managing for her better have METICULOUS records of every single penny in and every single penny out of all of her finances. Because she can file for elder abuse tomorrow in present circumstances, should she wish to.

I sure wish you luck, but I would see an Elder Law Attorney now to describe what is currently going on and what other options are.

“As the daughter and oldest in my family, I have always taken on the responsibilities needed in the family. The brothers are passive mostly”

I’m an only daughter too. The older generation regards daughters as the designated caregiver and she is expected to sacrifice the most. This is wrong. Your brothers need to help too, and need to help often, not just when they feel like it.

Has your mother had hostility towards you before this? Because you’re describing a very common situation: Mother has resentment towards the daughter yet expects the daughter to be there when she snaps her fingers. The daughter will work herself to death, but it’s still not enough. If anything is “missing” or anything isn’t how she wants it, it’s the daughter’s fault. The sons, however? They can do as they please. Mother doesn’t expect them to do anything for her. She will always praise the sons, even if they barely lift a finger for her.

Call Adult Protective Services in her area and report her as a vulnerable adult who is refusing to allow help.

Consider resigning your POA via the lawyer who set it up.

Cindy...I feel for you. I have had this same situation in my family. I do not agree with the comment above that says that dementia patients are not capable of turning it on and off for the outside world. My mother was very capable of "trying to act normal" in her earlier stages of dementia but after a few minutes of talking to her, it is obvious that something was not right. She still has moments of trying to deceive. She is aware that something is not right with her but will not admit that it is cognitive. She gets very angry at the mention of dementia or that she needs help with her care.

I actually cut my mother out of my life several years ago because her Narcissistic personality disorder was absolutely making me lose my mind. She has been showing signs of dementia for many years. Her NPD made it very difficult to realize that it was actually dementia and not her usual manipulative NPD behaviors. I have since reentered my mother's life after a sibling passed last April and I witnessed the state that my mother was in. She literally was starving herself because she wouldn't eat anyone else's cooking and she couldn't remember how to make anything. My sisters and I hired several caretakers but each ended in disaster because of my mother's controlling and abusive personality disorder.
I retired last June so I was now the child with the most time. I am the oldest. I was doing most everything. I was traveling 40 minutes each way to cook, clean, shop, take her to appointments, take her for day trips and bring her to my home for days at a time so she and her husband could have a break from each other. It is also a toxic relationship. These are all things my sisters were not doing because they were too busy with their own lives.
It took several drs appointments and emails to her doctors before those appointments to make them aware of the concerns and in order to have them ask the correct questions. Finally, we have a diagnosis. But even with the diagnosis we can not force her to memory care. As long as she says no we can not make her go. We know that she will get the care she needs there, much better care than she gets now but we can not force her. She calls all of us numerous times to tell us that she wants to move and that she hates her husband and needs to get away from him but when we tell her that we have a place for her she refuses saying she can live with her friends. We ask her who and she cannot name them. Currently my work has been paperwork to prepare for the day when she does not or cannot say no.
My mother has been hiding things, reorganizing, "cleaning" and has forgotten where she puts things. I have been behind the scenes for a month because I was being called a thief and a liar. She was combative and aggressive with me. . This was more than I could take and stepped back out to save myself. She is now being cared for mostly by her husband who doesn't want to and doesn't care to. He does minimal. My sister who lives closest to her has stepped back in as her primary caregiver (she was it before I came back in the picture last April) but she is working and has very limited time.
My advice to you would be to definitely take care of yourself. If you need a break then take a week or two or as long as it takes to repair the damage to your own mental health. This isn't easy because you know that our mothers will not get the care that they need while you are out of the picture but it will be worth it in the end. Sending you positive vibes and energy.

I had vented to a close friend once when my mom was doing this to me. My friend said she accuses me because she knows it’s safe to do so - I won’t stop coming or taking care of her no matter what she does to me. By extension, perhaps your brothers would walk away if things got too tough or uncomfortable. I believe my friend is correct, even though it’s not the answer we want. Our moms may have dementia, but they are angry about their situation and still clever enough to know who they can blow off steam with. The loyal ones will be there no matter what.

Hi Cindy,
I think you have more going on here than just being accused of stealing. A comment you made a little while ago confirms something I've been thinking as I read through your story and the comments. Some women idolize the men in their lives and devalue the women. Who knows why, I suspect it may have something to do with their own self-loathing which then spills over to other members of their own sex. It's especially heartbreaking when these women have daughters. The poor little girl starts her life under the boot and nothing she does can get the love she deserves or even figure out why. It happens the other way too; my kids had a teacher in high school that liked girls and hated the boys. Every parent of a son was well aware of that fact!

It sounds like she expects much more of you, and anything the boys do is just wonderful. My suggestion would be to let them help you as much as you possibly can. If Mom would like one of them to handle her finances, GREAT! Or, maybe they can collect her "business" mail and forward it to you. (I'd suggest having the address changed so it comes to you in the first place, but I know that might be difficult to do.) Go to her less frequently, and don't tell her in advance, just show up. Don't stay as long. See if her attitude is any different.

I don't see anything indicating that your brothers are trying to discredit you. More likely, they are just blind to the favoritism. I would keep them close and let them help you, tell them what you're feeling and see what solutions or advice they can offer. You don't have to have the same low expectations your mother does or excuse their inaction. I won't tell you not to take this personally, because it IS personal. And from what you say it's been going on for a long time. But it might help to remember that it is her personality defect and her shortcoming. It's she who has a diminished life because she's unable to have the kind of loving relationships with her children that a good parent does.

You are a good person to have done everything you have with so little appreciation. Don't feel bad about dialing it back and giving her a chance to find some gratitude.