Question for anyone. My mom has been in NH for 3.5 years. Has advanced vascular dementia. She daily cries and begs us to take her home. Obviously doesn't realize how long she has been there. We tell her 'a few weeks' if she asks. For quite a while what I've been telling her is that we will be able to take her home 'soon.' It's getting harder as she gets more and more persistent. Am I telling her the wrong thing? I don't want to give her too much hope but I also can't fathom telling her the truth, that she has to stay there indefinitely. It would devastate her and then she wouldn't remember anyhow and I wouldn't want to have to go through that type of discussion each visit. I feel terrible lying to her. I don't want to hurt her by giving her false hope but I also know if she doesn't have any hope, she will give up. She already told me from time to time she wants to kill herself. Anyone with experience with this type of situation. What is the proper thing to do? She now has atrial flutter with her heart and shouldn't be getting upset. I know crying is a big part of vascular dementia, but what can we do? Mom is 84.
I remember so clearly t he day I realized that I needed to simply appease my mother--not be candid or "honest." My mom would not remember anything I said for five minutes. So, why break bad news over and over?
You appease. That is not false hope in this situation. It is kindness. As a friend of mine recently said, with dementia, all the rules change.
Good luck and big hug!
Definitely get a behavioral health specialist to see her.
I know that it is hard for you to hear your Mom asking to be taken home. My Mom used to cry every time I visited or every time we talked on the telephone. It tore my heart out to hear her cry:( The Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner put Mom on some antidepressants and other mood stabilizing medications and that has helped a lot. Now Mom cries occasionally when I visit and rarely when I talk to her on the phone.
I suggest that you seek some counseling to help you cope with your Mom's health problems and the stress of this situation. Take care of yourself. God Bless!
You are very loving and caring daughter. Honestly, I would do the same thing. I would hate to see my mother so distressed. Have you talked to her doctor? Can they change her medications? Counselling? Change in diet? I know its not easy. I know you are only trying to comfort her by saying she will go home soon.
I'm know others with more experience will give more insight.