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He has been my partner and friend for 9 years and is 18 years older. Never in my life did I think it would come to me giving him 24/7 care as he is bedridden now after what was probably a stroke. Never ever did I think I would have to empty a catheter, give a suppository, clean up after bm, and do basically everything. Had I known, I would never had moved in with him. He is fully aware and feels terrible being a burden. Truth is, my clock is ticking and I do not want to be doing this for the last good years I have. His daughter from a previous marriage is no help. I do have hospice helping but, strictly for help with bathing and changing sheets. A nurse comes once a week. He was in a deplorable facility and it made everything so much worse...bladder infection, covid, and basically lots of neglect including food not fit for a dog. I would not wish that on anyone. I simply dont know what to do. It is causing me depression, anxiety, sadness, and feeling really stuck. Any advice?

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Find a better facilty for him.
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Is he on Medicaid? Sounds like he is a candidate for LTC. If so, and he's not on Medicaid yet, then he needs to financially qualify.

The Medicaid app can be found and downloaded in his home state's Dept of Health website, searching for Medicaid app pdf.

You do not have to be the applicant's legal representative but I think if he has capacity he can write in your name and sign it -- it may differ by state.

You will need to know some important info, like his SSN, DOB, have access to his medical bills and bank statements, and be able to list any other assets he may have (house, car, property). It usually takes 3 months to get an answer once the app is sent.

He should consider assigning a legal guardian to help him manage his affairs since it sounds like you are not going to do it into the future. You may want to have a discussion with a social worker about this. In certain situations the county can acquire guardianship for people, but usually its when they no longer have cognitive capacity.
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So I guess those old vows of "for better for worse; in sickness and in health" they just don't pertain any more.
Yes, you were younger. I can get that.
But unless you were 10 years old I don't get that you didn't see an age difference there.
And if you didn't foresee what that would mean early on, I am certain that once that bloom was off the rose you did know this was a possibility.
So now, here it is.

It is up to you how much love you had/ have for this man, how much of your own life you will invest in one way or another. He full well knew when he married YOU, how young you were, and what the consequences might well be in the future.

So it is up to you, how you live you life, what you can live with, and what you choose to do.
Isn't it?

I consider my honesty to be somewhat brutal as well, but then life can be a brutal thing. Any of us who have lived at ALL understand that much.

By the way, all your feelings in this situation? They are normal, I would say. Unavoidable in fact. It is your choice how to move through this. And believe it or not I am so sorry for all this grief. I well know what it is to look at that "older man" so wise, so wonderful.....and to have somewhat magical thinking about it all. Moonstruck is the movie I recommend for tonight. The Professor in the diner part of the whole movie. Actually, I recommend the ENTIRE movie, entirely. A respite from thinking on it all.
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Working out the ages, Tomas is 81 now and was 72 when you got together. You are 72 now and were 63 when you got together. Tomas probably got a younger woman who looked good and looked up to him, and you probably got a man who was impressive, fit and well off. Neither of you made a ‘marriage’ commitment. The deal worked each way then, but it isn’t working now. What keeps these deals together is often a continuing money incentive for the carer, or a much longer life relationship – eg when a uni student falls for her lecturer, like my sister’s SIL. For a marriage to work long-term, ‘love’ is always bound up with money and status, however well it’s glossed over.

I don’t think it’s a dreadful thing to split, but if you do it would be best if you can arrange decent care for him, and keep a friendship going on terms that work for you. I wouldn’t bother about looking for a younger man! And grit your teeth, because there are bound to be criticisms.
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His care is too much for you to sustain, simply put. Not his fault or yours. Nothing to feel guilt or remorse about, it just is. It’s time for a new plan for you both. Please contact the social worker for the hospice agency and discuss a new plan
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If he wanted to marry you, he could have. Unless there is something specific saying you have any claim to any of his property, you can expect the daughter to eject you.

And if he’s not even paying you, he should feel even more bad.
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You say that "never in my life did I think it would come to me giving him 24/7 care." I find that hard to believe with the 18 year age gap and both of you being full grown adults when you got together.
I mean unless you were not living in reality this whole time. Surely you understand that our bodies often fail us as we get older even if we've done everything in our power to help prevent it right? So what makes your partner any different?
What if it were you now in this position of needing help? Would you want him to do everything you're doing for him, or would you just accept that it was too much for him and willingly go into the appropriate facility?
The fact that you never married each other I guess gives you an easier out if you decide that's what you want. Only you can make that decision.
But for those of us that did take our wedding vows seriously and opted to stick it out until the end, out of love, can look back on our lives and know that we did the very best we could for our spouses, and that God will and has blessed our lives now as we continue on without them.

None of us have a crystal ball that predicts or shows us the future, and the fact that you also say that "Had I known, I would never had moved in with him" tells me that you really don't love him, and that you apparently moved in with him for other reasons. Reasons only you know, but obviously not because you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. And to me that is very sad.
So at this point I believe it's best to cut your losses and let the chips fall where they may, as he deserves better than what you can give him.
And make this a lesson learned, and stay out of any relationships you're not willing to see through until the end.
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My partner is 12 years older than me. We have been living together for ten yrs. Not married, because it seems that marriage at are age is much more about what's best financially, taxes, insurance, ECT .. but he has me well provide for if he passed before me.
But I also new that more than likely it will be me taking care of him in his aging years. And I wouldnt want it any other way!!!
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azburnout, I'm sorry you are feeling trapped. Many of the answers here validate your feelings even if they sound critical. If you don't want to be your partner's caregiver that is okay but you do both need a new plan as Daughterof1930 says. You need either to find more at home care for the personal care you don't want to do - and he feels is a burden to you, which must be upsetting for him. Something that provides for his needs and yours as well. It may be that with different care for him in place at home you won't feel the need to "run away". If you just want your own life back altogether then the kindest thing to do is help find a good facility for him (with help of social worker) and continue to be a friend and advocate. Maybe you could also get his daughter "on board" if she is secure in the knowledge that she will not be expected to "help out" as a caregiver.
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I will add here to what I wrote earlier, that it completely skipped by me that you wrote "partner".
So there was no "in sickness and in health sort of a thing here".
And what I am wondering is whether or not there is any protection from you IF you enter into caregiving?
I too have chosen not to remarry after meeting my current partner of 37 years. However, we are "domestic partners" in the state, giving me the protections and rights of a spouse in this state, and we are honest and protective of one another in wills/trusts/POAs/all documents. As we each have two children of prior marriages it is important to us to keep certain aspects of trusts, of accounts, of such other things separate, and we do this by attending our attorney, etc. and maintaining good communication with our four children.

So I would ask you, what have you and partner done to combine things, to keep things separate, to maintain protection of assets, to maintain safety for one another and etc.
Because if you are out here on your own, not working, not protected, with few assets of your own, you likely should be attending an attorney now if you haven't done so in the past.

That doesn't address you daily reality, and is a bit pragmatic, but just advice as I think of it.
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When he was in a horrible facility and things became worse, did you think about finding a different facility for him?

Look for a place that is suitable for his needs. It’s clear that you aren’t able to care for him in your home. Be honest with him and tell him this.

Wishing you both all the best.
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You may be interested to read the reactions to the question put by Bepperboo on 5 February, entitled 'I'm about to take my husband into Assisted Living in a few days'. The age difference there is 20 years, and the responses are far less judgemental than you got. I can't quite see why. Perhaps your feelings about 'brutal' triggered the 'guilty' responses you got. I'm sorry if mine wasn't as 'nice' as it could/should have been. Yours, Margaret
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Margaret, check your math on your first answer.

He is now 81, meaning she is currently 63

That means he was 72 and she was 54 when they hooked up.

Together for 9 years with an 18 year age difference according to her post..
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There isn't going to be a perfect solution because life isn't fair. The closest people ever get to "fair" is one party gets exactly what they want in a way that the other party can't complain about.

You've already thought about it and decided that you don't want to spend the last good years of you own life as a care slave cleaning up sh*t and living in miserable drudgery. You are not wrong. You should be important in your own life.

How terrible does your partner feel about being a burden? Terrible enough to stop being one and be willing to go into facility care again? All care facilities are not deplorable. You can be a large part of his care in a facility too.

If he is placed, you can bring him dinner every night if you want to. You can do his laundry and help him in so many ways. You will feel good about it and so will he. Then you can go home and have a life.

What's going to happen if you continue as things are is any love and friendship you feel for him will be replaced with resentment and dread. I'm sure neither of you want that to happen.

He needs to be placed in care. Look at places. None will be perfect, but there are ones that you will be able to work with. Please try. It's what will be best for both of you.
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Start looking for a better facility. There has to be one from recommendation. Meanwhile, hire Aide through a home care agency. Caregiving not for everyone. I ended up doing the nasty poop 💩 cleaning when an aide wouldn’t show up. No choice! Also, even reliable private pay aide not there all the time…So start making a different plan, “Stan” hugs 🤗
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I agree with many of the other posters: start looking for a better facility ASAP. I've been pretty much in the same boat as you, with a husband (now ex) 12 years older. But I married him because I have a difficult time "hurting" someone's feelings, and should have broken up with him when we were dating. If you truly love him, and had a good relationship, this is even harder and I'm sorry for your situation! I feel that caregiving can be one of the harshest experiences anyone can endure whether done from love or from duty or simply because there's no one else willing to step up. I literally gagged the first time I had to empty his urinal - the sound of the urine in the toilet, the smell. And that was just the beginning. I would contact hospice for a reassessment - you may be able to get more visits. My ex now has a nurse 2x week and CNAs 5x week. It really helps to take the edge off. In the meantime, start beating the bushes for a better facility, and make full use of the hospice social worker in that search. The sooner you start, the sooner he will have the care he needs without feeling like a burden (I feel for him!) and you will not spend your last, good years feeling depressed and anxious. I know some would judge you harshly for not sticking it out, but I can't. We make mistakes. I got involved with someone I shouldn't have and didn't have the guts to bail right away. My hand was finally forced, and at least I have now gotten him placed in a very nice facility. You made a mistake in getting involved with someone so much older and while some may think you "should" have known it would come to this, and you "should" be willing to follow through to the end, I know that "should" doesn't mean a thing when you're sacrificing your own life for one that is no longer viable. This is what hospice and facilities are for. Go after all the help you can get until you find the place that can care for him. I wish you all the best!
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Hubby was 27 yrs older than me (66yo and 39yo). I know, crazy, but it worked for us. Before committing himself to me, he wanted to make VERY sure that I was also in it for the long haul and asked me very early on if I knew exactly what I was getting myself into., and asked point blank, "what are you going to do 20 years from now?" To which I replied "I'll push you around in an effing wheelchair if I have to." Meaning that yes, I had thought about it, and had a grasp on reality. 2 years ago, it basically came to that, 2 weeks in the hospital with a failing heart, and back home to spend his last days in a hospice bed. I emptied
his urinal, cleaned up his poo, gave him his meds, hand fed him, slept on the couch next to his bed, and
held his hand as he passed. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. When it comes down to that very emotional and critical time, that's what love is all about, till death do you part. I couldn't imagine having the attitude of "I didn't sign up for this, I'm outta here." That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
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