After Mom and Dad moved into a SNF and were approved for Medicaid, I still feel a vast amount of stress that has led to a relapse into depression. In the four months since they've moved in, there have been tears, arguments, financial stress and trips to and from the hospital. It's as if a roller coaster changes to a bumpy road and back to a roller coaster again. (FTR, I hate roller coasters.) I don't live that close to my parents but I always feel on edge. Waiting for news. Waiting for the next payment to send out. Waiting for the next mood swing. Waiting to soothe tears. Shouldering their needs has made me bottle up my own and while I thought for a while I'd be okay, everything overflowed. I had a few panic attacks and severe breakdowns in grief. My depression progressed to the point where I was just sitting and staring at nothing for hours. I wasn't happy but I wasn't motivated to do anything at all. I stopped eating well. Stopped seeing friends. I stopped exercising. I stopped all of my hobbies. More frightening than grief was this absolute feeling of indifference for anything I used to love doing. I felt like my existence was just to worry and wait for the next thing I have to do for my parents. I'm constantly flipping the phone over checking for a message about them. I had a tough month and the lowest was last weekend. I'm better today but I don't feel 100%. I could fall back off tomorrow. I'm naturally introverted and generally a ball of anxiety. Despite my parents not living with me, I still feel so attached and worried for their well-being and care. But logic pulled through and I knew I couldn't stay like this. I found a therapist and I'm going to my second session tomorrow. My best friends (from childhood and college) came over and we had long talks. While I've gained quite a bit of weight to the point where I physically feel unbalanced, I'm taking small steps with little workouts and long walks --maybe I can work my way back up to dancing and weight lifting like I used to. (My mom's in this state because of diabetes and here I am putting myself on the path TOWARDS diabetes!) I started my hobby again tonight after weeks of not doing it. Love hurts and I know that. I can logic my way to feeling better but my heart breaks for my folks. This is tough and if you're feeling the same way I do, know you're not alone. It's hard to take that first step to self-care but if you KNOW you need to do it... just do it even if you don't feel like it.
My parents both moved to a memory care this summer (about 5 months ago). I have been caring for them at varying levels over 5 years now.. and am their sole caregiver even tho I do have siblings. My Dad has had dementia for 5 years.. my Mom for around 2 years.
I am surprised by the new feelings this move has brought with it. I now feel an avalanche of grief (and guilt). Moving to a facility has made the situation very real for me.. there are no gray areas as there were before. Our lives are forever changed. I am missing who they were more then ever now.
Sometimes I am lacking motivation as well and have let myself go physically. I've been focusing on them so long that it is difficult to put some of that focus on myself.
Good for you for seeing a therapist.. I am seeing one as well and have been for at least a year now. The good news is I do have more free time (when I am not worrying about them and checking my phone).
Hopefully we can return to enjoy some of the things we did before..and just enjoy life. It sounds like you are on the right track and you are lucky to have some good friends to support you as well. Self care is my focus now. I know its hard tho.. .. just wanted to say I understand.
((hugs))
Keep up the good work with the therapist. By seeking professional counseling, you are affirming that value yourself (again) and you feel worthy of a personal investment. This is huge!
You deserve happiness. Or at least a new normal. Keep working toward that. (And yes, it will be work at times.) And keep us posted.
We’re rooting for you!