I am having a self pity party. This is going to be lengthy, but I need someplace safe to share. Starting at 15 I was forced to pay my parents mortgage for them, it was a small dumpy house. I was paying the family's groceries and breaking up their fights and forced to take sides. Meanwhile suffering physical and verbal abuse and always living under the threat of being thrown out. Later as an adult I took care of my father in his last days, after no one else would. Not that he deserved it, I just felt it was the right thing. I'm a doormat. I also gave my brother and mother cash out of my pocket from his estate, around $35K even though my father made no provisions for them and they did NOTHING to help. I did it, so they could think fondly of him instead of always having so much bitterness. I shouldn't have, because it wasn't appreciated. During that time my mother was upset at his funeral because it wasn't about her, the attention was on him and she felt he didn't deserve it. Jesus, the man died. I was engaged to a wonderful man and I told him to stay away from my mother because she was toxic. Men never believe me..... which is one reason why I have struggled with relationships, she acts sweet around them and then begins to tell them things about me that are untrue. When they believe her, it destroys my relationship. Now years later, I have my mother in my home. As some of you know she has NPD and is abusive. I felt sorry for her and thought she had mellowed and let her move in after years of her begging me. Before she had moved in, I also found myself taking care of my little brother in some way, shape or another. Never received a thank you, not once. Then when I wouldn't let him move into my rental property, the entire family was upset with me. Mind you, I had given him cash from my dad's estate (my own money actually), fixed his truck (when he wrecked it), kept it running, gave him a couple hundred bucks here or there. Gave him a computer after he stopped paying on his storage unit and the list goes on. Finally, I had to tell him, I wish you the best but I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, but I have to look after myself. Then my mother moved in 2015 and that was an immediate mistake, struggling to get her out one way or another and recently had to call the police and have been talking to attorneys. Here in the South you take care of your parents, so I haven't been well received by lawyers. In 2018 my dog was diagnosed with cancer. For the last 30 months he has needed medicines and special care every 2 hours, 7 days a week for the last 30 months and he will continue to for the rest of his life which could be another 10 years. He's very clingy and needy. My mother was helping with his care, I will give her that, but every time she is upset, which is weekly, she withdraws her help. That's always her punishment for me. Withdrawing any help whether it's help cooking or paying for groceries - it's always a punishment. Mom could easily live well into her late 90's (that side of her family does), my dog could live for another 10 years, and I really LOVE my dog, but I'm 54 years old, I don't want to spend the next 20 - 25 years taking care of someone or something else. I 100% come last! I also work full time and have a house and pool to take care of. This may sound selfish but I am sick to death of taking care of someone or something else my entire life, I don't want to do this until I just drop dead. Feeling so depressed and sad. :(
You should lose your mother and keep the dog. The dog really does love you as all pets love their owners and he/she didn't ask to get sick. Trust me, if your dog could talk he/she would tell you thank you and tell you how much he/she loves you. However, your mother never has or will tell you thank you and if she tells you she loves you its because she wants something. I know this because my own mother has NPD and that is what she try to do to me.
Who cares what your Lawyer thinks. He/she should keep their personal feelings out of it. Easier say than done. I know!!
You sound like you are burned out. Does she have dementia or some other illness? Is there some where you can take her-- maybe another family member?Does she get any SSI, SSD, or something. Is there any section 8 housing? Can you get away for a break?
There are others who will be more helpful than me on this matter.
Just do me a favor, stop beating yourself up so much. You really thought you were doing the right thing at that moment in time. But our mothers count on our big loving hearts than they use it to 'Their advantage.' We are not the dumb ones, they are. Why? Because we did what we thought was the right thing to do & we loved them. They are the one's who can't love or receive love. They loss out on having a bless and peaceful life. Moreover, they never got to know us therefore they loss out on that too. It is their loss not ours!!!
Sending you lots of hugs!!
Just thought I'd let you know if you want to ever post on the My "whine moment today" What's Yours? thread again, it's under "Discussions." :)
I am from the south as well, New Orleans.
I wish that you weren’t dealing with this situation. I am so sorry. It’s difficult.
Newsflash, there are assisted living facilities and nursing homes in the south too!
Don’t kill yourself taking care of your mom.
I say that because it nearly killed me caring for my mom.
My mom is in her 90’s. I have longevity on my mom’s side of the family too. I pray that I don’t live that long!
I had mom for 15 years in my home. My siblings are crappy too. So I truly get what you are saying.
I ended up in a therapist’s office. You know what he told me, “Stop feeling guilty. Caregiving is a tough job and becomes a burden for the caregiver.” I also attended a caregiver support group.
I know things are different with Covid but there are telehealth visits. Even support groups are meeting on Zoom.
Best wishes to you. Vent all you want! We understand.
Mom should probably qualify for Medicaid, so get the ball rolling there, and then find a facility that will take her, or even a senior apartment complex(since she sounds more than capable to live on her own) and then get her out of your house and NEVER let her back in. (nor any other family members either)
Time to start putting yourself first. You deserve it, although it sounds like you don't necessarily believe that. Perhaps some therapy/counseling would be appropriate in your case, to help you get your life back on track and put some joy back in it. Life is way too short, to live in such misery. Please, please take care of you once and for all. God bless you.
Read her profile and messages. She has gone through this mess since 2015!
When I posted on the other thread I thought it may have been the same poster.
The poster’s mom has barricaded herself in her room. This is a crazy situation. Read her new thread!
i hope you’re ok!! you wrote in november 2020. i hope good things happened since then.
hug!!
you really sound like a very
loving, caring person.
focus that same love and care towards yourself. use that same effort, energy on yourself.
escape from abuse.
the abusers never stop.
get away.
these narcs, use and abuse. they use you and abuse you.
i hope 2021 brings good things to us all, on this forum!!
hug, dear abused!!
bundleofjoy
Time is the coin of your life. You spend it. Do not allow others to spend it for you.
-Carl Sandburg
After reading your story, which is exhausting😂.
It sounds as though you Have given your life away to Mom and you cared for your Dad until he passed on.
Yes it sounds like that you have carried families
burdens.
The Good News is that you are alive. It’s time to take care of yourselves first.
Have a number one goal in your life,today. Which is “YOU” first.
Do some research,study.seeking maybe on line to get information in these area helping you to live life. A fresh start!
You will never be able to help anyone without helping yourselves FIRST!
Work on this, much success toward a happier and brighter future. Stay with this web site it can become a great resource for you!
Hold on help is on the way!!!!!!
If you are still here, I hope you still feel safe to update.
furbaby.
Take your animal rightism somewhere else. It's not a baby that has fur. It is an animal that she's already expended cancer care on. I mean, and now she's saying that her manipulative mother won't help her with the dog, and she sounds like she's more with the dog, and you start to PREACH. Well hear this, I worked for a shelter 10 years. We had literally thousands of volunteers come thr ough who are all second-chancy about everything, but your attitude would represent a staff problem.
Now as to OP. OP, it's not your mom's job to take care of the dog. But it's also not your job to take care of HER! With her trying to make it conditional to take care of the dog, I'd just call her bluff. Like for real. You needed her help for a (relatively) small household item that was of importance to you, and she's already pulling the gaslighting?
The older she gets, the worse she will get. Any old person who has narcissism will have more of it, and as she's not completely disabled this is now your time to let mom live her own sorry life. Sorry mom, I tried to help, but you made it impossible.