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Could you tell us a little more? Where is your mother? Who is keeping you from talking to her? How are they doing that? What is your mother's impairment?
We'll need a little more background to be able to discuss this.
There are bits and pieces that I posted the last couple of years.
I have to do a short sale on my home and mom with dementia keeps rehashing the situation. It's getting me down. Suggestions? I am having to do a short sale on my home. My mom has lived with me for over 10 years. Along with my daughter and her two children. Trying to juggle this transition is exasperating. My mom has dementia and everyday it's the same conversation about why she can't stay in the house. My sisters both live over 900 miles from me and they would like to see her and quite frankly I need a huge break as I have been care taking for over 4 years since her diagnosis. She's insisting she could live on her own and I know she can't. My sisters would like for her to go up by them for awhile which my mom is very upset about she does not want to go. That's when she starts with who is in control of her destiny and that she can live on her own. This is so sad and yet frustrating. I haven't been able to work in the past 8 months which contributed to me losing my home. I don't have time to even think for myself because of this whole situation. My therapist said that I shouldn't feel guilty about making my own move. But everyday with my mom and her constant rehashing the situation is getting me really down. I have suggested senior living, she refuses that also.
UPDATE from 2013.
My sister came and got my mom because the past year had been so stressful in our family with decisions on us all moving into new places. Tempers flared....we where all upset my mom would call my sister crying to come get her.....then call her back like she never said it. My mom would call people 20-30 times a day forgetting that she was doing so. My sister was in denial about my mom's dementia. She flew into town unannounced to get my mom and my mom wouldn't go............( My mom did not want to live with her.) my sister is overbearing and my mom does not like that. Ok.....So after they left. We still had the issue of who is going where tempers flared again.....my mom called my sister again crying to come get her. So she sent her daughter down. I did manage to get my mom to the airport and on the plane she was pretty pretty angry, but I didn't really have choices anymore because of the living accommodations. I didn't even have a job, my credit was shot and there was no way I was going to have my mom sign a lease. (She would forget what she was doing.) Well all the crying phone calls my mom made where being recorded by my sister. In the beginning when my mom was finally there we would talk....her constant conversation was she wanted to come back to Ga. it's her home. I was trying to prolong by telling herself to enjoy her visit and we would talk soon. My sister and brother-n law are finally opening there eyes slowly to the disease. They have taken her personal phone because she kept calling them in there own home every minute. And my mom is calling my sister using my name and constantly saying she wants to come home. They have no clue about a lot of my mothers tendencies and the disease. Ok...So here is what they are doing. The phone calls my mom made to my sister crying to come get her where recorded and saved by them. And she is using that against me saying that I abused my mom,......"NOT"! So I can't talk to my mom. My kids have tried to reach out to her also they have been apart of her life from the time they were born all of their lives. My sister is snotty and writes snotty responses to them like :Let's not go tipping the Apple-Cart.....mean I say. I was also left with my mom's car to deal with and I had to move her belongings into storage as my place is not big enough. I've been waiting for them to fill out a family transfer for the car so I can sale it........they keep saying they did it, it's been a month now. Neighbors want the car moved. I have interested buyers also. The storage is in my name I put up the front money on it and I need the reimbursement for my own personal bills as I just started working. Yet they keep asking for the inventory of her belongings I have sent it twice.They won't acknowledge my emails with the contract fees I'm sending everything to them and they are not responding. They won't answer my calls when I say I sure would like to say hi to mom..They won't call back when I leave messages about mom's stuff.....nothing.......I do know I have care giver burn out. I am slowly bouncing back but they way they are handling things is tearing me up and I cry everyday........I don't know what to do. I'm trying to detach, but...I'm having a rough time.
OK, so where exactly is your mom living, you say she was calling your sister so it is obviously not with her. Is she in assistive living? I would hope she is not on her own as it sounds as though her dementia is too far advanced for that! Your life fell apart and you had to step back from caregiving, there is nothing wrong with that, and it is good that your sister stepped in to fill the gap. You must know that your mom calling your to move back is exactly what she was doing to your sister before, so don't get sucked into feeling guilty about that!
Your mom may be fabricating past hurts and putting you in a bad light and your sis and family are too inexperienced with the disease to understand that the truth can be flexible in dementia. Try to keep on good terms with them all so they can see for themselves that you are not that kind of person. It must be hard, ((hugs)). As for them not answering or acknowledging letters or email, send it registered mail and have them have to sign for it, then you will know for sure if they are playing games or if there is just miscommunication going on. And I would have the fees for storage forwarded directly to your mother and her POA, if you are not allowed to take any action to resolve things it should not be your responsibility.
First, straighten out the financial entanglements. Send this sibling an email letting her know where mom's things are stored and that, effective December 1st you are no longer paying the storage fee at ABC Storage. That email will suffice as proof you have notified her. Also mail her a Certified Letter with Return Receipt saying THE EXACT SAME THING.
In that email and letter, tell them you can no longer store mom's car and that they have thirty days to either provide the signed title or come get the car. Otherwise, you will have it towed and let them know what tow company has taken it.
Your letter might sound something like this:
"On X date, I put mom's things into storage because I no longer had room for them in my home. I have been paying the storage fees of $X a month since then. I can no longer afford the monthly charge. I will pay November, but this is your notice that I will not be paying storage fees after that date. You can reach them at 212-555-1212.
I've been requesting the title to mom's car so it can be sold for quite some time now, without success. I can no longer store it on my property. On December 2nd, if I do not have the title allowing me to sell the ca and you haven't removed it, I will be calling XYZ Towing to remove it and will accept no further responsibility for its disposition."
I think you'll feel much better if you take care of this unfinished business. Since it doesn't sound as if your relationship with your sister could be much worse, at least move to get those loose ends tied up.
@CWillie....my mom is 900 miles away from me now. Living with my sister since the middle of July 2015. And I had a temporary POA. I am sure my sister is working on that. They have switched her money to a new account. She and I still have a open account. There is no way my mom did that on her own. But my sister has always had the tendency o do that. Years before when my mom went to visit for a 2 months she came back home and bank statements came back in with my sister listed as POD. She's jealous, and bitter of the relationship that I had with my mom.....but that is not my fault. And I never rubbed it in her face or anything...on the contrary.....I never spoke up.
@ Maggie.......if they default, the storage is leased in my name.......another black mark against me....:( Because of the last couple of years. But what you have said is what I will probably end up having to do that. So I can have some piece of mind. I have sent email after email and called everyday asking them to get in touch with me.
It's not another black mark against you. Change the message to let your sister know you will be holding a garage sale for the property mid-November if she doesn't put the storage space into her or mom's name. Get the stuff out. If it's like things I've seen put into storage, it's stuff your mom doesn't care about anyway.
Realistically, she's the boss. In complete control. Sounds like your sister has taken the bull by the horns, gotten the situation under control, and is limiting the drama by not letting mom cause problems on the phone like she did when she was with you.
Make nice with your sister. In the meantime, send mom newsy cards and letters. Can't imagine what else you can do.
Well, it hurts and it is hurting her Grandchildren. And it really is because my mom made her own choices and stayed with me was never involved with their lives And for whatever reason never financially helped her. THAT is not my fault. Whatever.........
@ Maggie And I don't want to make nicey nicey with her because she is not trying to work with me as a family. But...oh...they where all concerned about her monies and belongings before.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We'll need a little more background to be able to discuss this.
I have to do a short sale on my home and mom with dementia keeps rehashing the situation. It's getting me down. Suggestions?
I am having to do a short sale on my home. My mom has lived with me for over 10 years. Along with my daughter and her two children. Trying to juggle this transition is exasperating. My mom has dementia and everyday it's the same conversation about why she can't stay in the house. My sisters both live over 900 miles from me and they would like to see her and quite frankly I need a huge break as I have been care taking for over 4 years since her diagnosis. She's insisting she could live on her own and I know she can't. My sisters would like for her to go up by them for awhile which my mom is very upset about she does not want to go. That's when she starts with who is in control of her destiny and that she can live on her own. This is so sad and yet frustrating. I haven't been able to work in the past 8 months which contributed to me losing my home. I don't have time to even think for myself because of this whole situation. My therapist said that I shouldn't feel guilty about making my own move. But everyday with my mom and her constant rehashing the situation is getting me really down. I have suggested senior living, she refuses that also.
UPDATE from 2013.
My sister came and got my mom because the past year had been so stressful in our family with decisions on us all moving into new places. Tempers flared....we where all upset my mom would call my sister crying to come get her.....then call her back like she never said it. My mom would call people 20-30 times a day forgetting that she was doing so. My sister was in denial about my mom's dementia. She flew into town unannounced to get my mom and my mom wouldn't go............( My mom did not want to live with her.) my sister is overbearing and my mom does not like that. Ok.....So after they left. We still had the issue of who is going where tempers flared again.....my mom called my sister again crying to come get her. So she sent her daughter down. I did manage to get my mom to the airport and on the plane she was pretty pretty angry, but I didn't really have choices anymore because of the living accommodations. I didn't even have a job, my credit was shot and there was no way I was going to have my mom sign a lease. (She would forget what she was doing.) Well all the crying phone calls my mom made where being recorded by my sister. In the beginning when my mom was finally there we would talk....her constant conversation was she wanted to come back to Ga. it's her home. I was trying to prolong by telling herself to enjoy her visit and we would talk soon. My sister and brother-n law are finally opening there eyes slowly to the disease. They have taken her personal phone because she kept calling them in there own home every minute. And my mom is calling my sister using my name and constantly saying she wants to come home. They have no clue about a lot of my mothers tendencies and the disease. Ok...So here is what they are doing. The phone calls my mom made to my sister crying to come get her where recorded and saved by them. And she is using that against me saying that I abused my mom,......"NOT"! So I can't talk to my mom. My kids have tried to reach out to her also they have been apart of her life from the time they were born all of their lives. My sister is snotty and writes snotty responses to them like :Let's not go tipping the Apple-Cart.....mean I say. I was also left with my mom's car to deal with and I had to move her belongings into storage as my place is not big enough. I've been waiting for them to fill out a family transfer for the car so I can sale it........they keep saying they did it, it's been a month now. Neighbors want the car moved. I have interested buyers also. The storage is in my name I put up the front money on it and I need the reimbursement for my own personal bills as I just started working. Yet they keep asking for the inventory of her belongings I have sent it twice.They won't acknowledge my emails with the contract fees I'm sending everything to them and they are not responding. They won't answer my calls when I say I sure would like to say hi to mom..They won't call back when I leave messages about mom's stuff.....nothing.......I do know I have care giver burn out. I am slowly bouncing back but they way they are handling things is tearing me up and I cry everyday........I don't know what to do. I'm trying to detach, but...I'm having a rough time.
Your life fell apart and you had to step back from caregiving, there is nothing wrong with that, and it is good that your sister stepped in to fill the gap. You must know that your mom calling your to move back is exactly what she was doing to your sister before, so don't get sucked into feeling guilty about that!
Your mom may be fabricating past hurts and putting you in a bad light and your sis and family are too inexperienced with the disease to understand that the truth can be flexible in dementia. Try to keep on good terms with them all so they can see for themselves that you are not that kind of person. It must be hard, ((hugs)).
As for them not answering or acknowledging letters or email, send it registered mail and have them have to sign for it, then you will know for sure if they are playing games or if there is just miscommunication going on. And I would have the fees for storage forwarded directly to your mother and her POA, if you are not allowed to take any action to resolve things it should not be your responsibility.
In that email and letter, tell them you can no longer store mom's car and that they have thirty days to either provide the signed title or come get the car. Otherwise, you will have it towed and let them know what tow company has taken it.
Your letter might sound something like this:
"On X date, I put mom's things into storage because I no longer had room for them in my home. I have been paying the storage fees of $X a month since then. I can no longer afford the monthly charge. I will pay November, but this is your notice that I will not be paying storage fees after that date. You can reach them at 212-555-1212.
I've been requesting the title to mom's car so it can be sold for quite some time now, without success. I can no longer store it on my property. On December 2nd, if I do not have the title allowing me to sell the ca and you haven't removed it, I will be calling XYZ Towing to remove it and will accept no further responsibility for its disposition."
I think you'll feel much better if you take care of this unfinished business. Since it doesn't sound as if your relationship with your sister could be much worse, at least move to get those loose ends tied up.
You're only a victim of you martyr yourself.
Does anyone have helpful answers about how to handle the issue of my sister not allowing us to talk to my mom........
Make nice with your sister. In the meantime, send mom newsy cards and letters. Can't imagine what else you can do.