My family thinks I pushed my parents out of my house.
My dad and my mother in law are a couple living with me, my husband and my only child (12 years old boy), since 2004. My dad is very helpfull, he cooks, do the garden some times and is allways ready to help. My mother in law is messy, lazy and has their bedroom packed with food and stuff that they do not need. It is very difficult to live with her and she always are ready to tell her friends and my sister in law about what ever happens at home. I do not want to live with her but I love my husband and my dad too and because of them I have been in that situation for 4 years. Now they decided to move out for a very clean and good assisted living facility but I think my dad is very depressed...I feel myself very guilty because I am hurting my dad and everybody in my family, even my husband, believes that I were pushing then to move out. I feel a real pain in my chest when I think about it...what can I do?
I hope you will still read our post and stay involved your experiences are very valuable to those in the trenches and to those whose loved ones are in their own pllaces
MrsGrasshopper
Carol
I am so glad for the actual situation of my dad and my mother in law, and now I have to include my mother in law’s sister, that was there before them, coming from my sister in law’s home: they already love the place.
My dad has many friends, and plays dominoes every afternoon. They participate in every single activity going on there and I am sure he is happy, because I know him. Then, on the weekends I pick them up to go home, where we cook, watch movies, sometimes we go to a party, shopping or simply stay home but whatever activity we have, we take them with us. He also goes to visit home in the middle of the week and cook that day for us, and he take out our little dog to walk around our neighborhood and greeting his friends.
My mother in law belongs to a yoga club, and has many girlfriends there. They have a little apartment that we decorate trying to put together beautiful things and lot of love to make everything more comfy and pretty for them… my mother in law is very proud of her apartment and try to keep it clean and organized, she use to host tea or coffee party for her friends. Now she is very nice to my son and me.
My “aunt in law†is a great piano player, and she plays every day in the assisted living facility. Everybody knows her! She is also in the yoga club. They are frequently together although she lives in the 3rd floor and our parents in the 7th.
We use to go to their place to see all of them once or twice in the middle of the week although we have no time among all the things we have during the week, we try hard to make time to see them and take them something "homemade" to eat.
At the end of October, we send all of them in a Cruise four days to the Bahamas and they had a good time.
Any time I have, I go there no matter what. I talk to the staff offering my help any time they need me. I use to take my son there too, and he plays dominoes with my dad, friends, and billiard with a close friend that my dad has there. We also take Ginger our little dog there some times, and it is very good for them and for Ginger too!
In the assisted living facility where they live there is always a Celebration, they had a party for Halloween and all of them had a costume, my dad as tourist and my mother in law and her sister as a southern women…very funny!
Last week we placed a Christmas tree in their apartment and we decorated it together, I can assure you my friends, they enjoyed a lot that time. In addition, we prepared the turkey and the Thanksgivings dinner together in my home too!
Moreover, yes, our relationship with them is much better right now, because they feel we care and watch over them.
I think your prayers helped me, my husband and my son to be confident about the situation, and helped them as well to appreciate what they have already to enjoy their lives plenty of love. Thank you!
Now is my turn to pray hard for you and your loved ones, and I hope everything in your lives will be better with care and love...
Thank you again.
Your mom may have sleep apnia which can wake you many times throughout sleep and also acid reflux can and is associated with sleep apnia. Just some tips because I was through all of it with my Dad. Good luck, Decor426
MrsGrasshopper
There are over-the-counter ones, but a prescription med. to help make her drowsy and get her on a good sleep schedule could help. Unfortunately, as we age, it's not unusual to have more problems sleeping. In your case, I'm sure it's interrupting your sleep, too. I'd check with the doctor and see if there's something they could try. She may be having anxiety problems, but likely it's a turned around schedul or she's just not tired enough to stay asleep.
Carol
MrsGrasshopper
How are things going any better adjustment by your Dad-hope so.
Carol
Recovery.
Caregivers suffer too much guilt. We do our best, and sometimes that means getting help by moving the elder to a more appropriate setting.
Carol
How are things going? I pray things are getting better for dad. Has mom made enough friends and gotten off his back yet?
I will keep praying for you and your family. You sound like you know the saying but here goes anyway, Hand it over to God and he will make it right. He will you know.
Love ya,
Susan Myers
thank you my friends.
But I do think he'll get better. He has to make an adjustment. Even though my mom made the decision to go to the nursing home (where my dad was), and she knew everyone there, and she needed to be there, once the move was made she was angry for a few weeks. Slowly she adjusted. Hopefully, your dad will wander about on his own and make some men friends. Are there any groups of menwith similar interests? If he were invited by a man go join in, that may help.
Anyway, you did the right thing. There was no other choice. Don't lose sight of that.
Carol
It should get easier. She does not have you to let out her frustration out on 24/7, do you think he might be getting it now?
I will continue to pray for all of my new friends. You are going in the right direction ladymom59. Just don't let your mind think the worst, when it is so good for them to be around people that they can socialize with.
Love,
Susan
To tell you the history shortly, they are already living in the assisted living Facility. That place is great for them, because is clean, painted, decorated, full of sun light, well maintained and full of activities for their ages. They do not have to cook because they have a good balanced meal served 3 times a day in the dining room. They also do not have to wash their clothes and clean the place, once week housekeeping is coming to do the job. Is like to live in a hotel playing dominoes and cards, washing movies, exercising or going to concerts. The place is in front to a Walgreens and Publix and has a Catholic Church nearby. We helped them to move out last Friday, and we are doing whatever they need to have them comfortable and "at home". In addition, we are looking forward to decorate their two rooms and their own bathroom. They also have a living room and a kitchen to share with another person.
I also found out that my mom’s beautician (like family for us) have her daughter as the Maintenance Supervisor in that Assisted Living facility, and she was so happy to see me again (I was seventeen the last time we saw each other) and me too, what a coincidence, right? For me is as if God is in charge of the situation. She helped us a lot the day of the moving and every day she visit them to see what is going on and I am sure she will be there for them if they need her.
Now about our family and relatives:
My sister in law has not called us anymore, but she is going some times to visit them, which is good and can help them to deal with the first days of their new life. Her youngest child went to paint our Parents’ place and did it so good.
My Mother in Law is doing better than my Dad; her sister is living there since 2006, and is very popular because she plays piano like a master, so is easy for her to make friends, and she is helping to introduce them to the crew. My Mother in Law’s social life is coming back.
On the other hand every time we go see them, my Dad starts to complain about the others persons that share their dining table, or about anything no matter what. That is not his style, so I believe he does not like the place and I think too that he was expecting a “Please do not move out” from my husband and me. Now he feels himself betrayed by me, and the worse of all is that looks like I am losing him.
I hope this feeling is going to desapear with the time, but who knows. At least they are trying, if they do not like the place they know they can come back home any time. It is matter of trying and be open to the change.
You have to take care of you so that you can take care of your family. My favorite cartoon is a little lady walking with a basket of laundy on her head and it is raining and muddy. She looks up and says "God I know you won't put more on me than I can handle, but could you think a little less of me?" You are doing right!
In Christian Love,
Susan Myers
Carol
David
Your MIL may find friends and do well, or she may have the personality of someone who refuses to be happy with any circumstances. If that is how she is, it's not your fault and not your problem. Do your best (as I'm sure you are doing) to be supportive throughout the move. Visit and talk with the administrators of the assisted living center if you see adjustments problems. Make friends with the social workers. They can help.
Do not blame yourself. You've done all you can, and more. Your health is important. Your husband will soon see how much better everyone is. This will take time, so stick to your guns, but be kind. Just keep repeating to yourself and others - they will be much better off with people on call 24 hours a day. They have their own space and can make friends with peers. This is a good move - literally.
Keep checking in. We'll be waiting to support you.
Carol