Fourth of July and your Loved Ones
Fourth of July will be on Wednesday. Are you planning to do something with your loved ones who are in an AL/NH facility on the Fourth of July, like watch fireworks? How are your loved ones who have dementia/Alzheimer’s coping with the fireworks being shot off by the neighbors?
Mom and I live in a town of 10,000, and our town has their Fireworks Celebration on July 3rd because a neighboring town has a BIG ALL DAY FOURTH of JULY celebration and a HUGE fireworks display on July 4th. Since 2008, Mom and I would sit in our car in a parking lot where we could see our town's fireworks easily. Last year, Mom was in the NH and the Activity Dept. encouraged families to come and take their family member(s) to the backyard of the facility so we could all watch the fireworks being shot off at the County Fairgrounds across the street (which we did and Mom really enjoyed that). Mom has always enjoyed watching the fireworks and we would also watch the Fireworks TV programs from Boston and Washington DC.
But this year is different. Mom’s vision has gotten worse b/c of her macular degeneration. And Mom has trouble comprehending everyday activities b/c of her Major Depression with Delusions and Mild Dementia. I am not sure that she would even tolerate staying up until 10 PM to watch the fireworks. I don’t know what to do this year.
My brother and SIL will be visiting from out of state later this week and they usually eat with Mom at the NH. I don’t like to eat with Mom at the NH anymore b/c she has to have ground meat and her hands shake and she spills food frequently. I used to be able to tolerate it, but I can’t anymore. When my brother & SIL visit, we often eat in the Resident Dining Room with Mom. They sit on either side of Mom and I sit next to my SIL at a square table. I have to talk louder b/c Mom can’t hear me, but my brother frowns at me and tells me “Don’t talk so loud.” So I don’t go with them anymore when they have a meal with Mom.
It really hurts that Mom and I can’t celebrate Fourth of July like we used to. I am crying as I write this post. How will you celebrate Fourth of July with your loved ones?
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Perhaps he needs to be aware of hearing issues so that he can communicate with your mother; if he's speaking to her and she's not answering, he could misinterpret that. Or sometimes it's better if people just be with someone and forget about verbal communication. Silence can be "golden."
I've never been one to watch celebrations; fireworks have never appealed to me as an adult. I prefer the peace, quiet and solitude of nature.
And I prefer to think about the historical meaning, how far we've come as a nation (and how far we're retreating now b/c of a certain individual). America has changed a lot since the Declaration of Independence was signed.
Check out Google's search, with its everchanging graphic. Today the interpretation for the Declaration is all binary - 1s and 0s. Life has changed so much since people wrote with quills and ink to today when communication is often completely nonverbal. I've often wondered if humans will adapt by eventually losing their ability to speak, as hands grow stronger and more muscular to adapt to texting and other electronic communication.
My family are now primarily out of town; given the heat wave I have no plans to even consider traveling. So my "celebration" will be peaceful and local. The heat wave is expected to break for a few days, so I'll be out in the garden for as long as I can stand and work, or until the neighbors irresponsibly begin shooting off fireworks and they land in my yard.
When she moved to the States, she said she became very scared when she first heard people firing off cherry bombs as the sound was like fire power bombs, and fire-crackers would sound like gun-shots. In all the years she had lived in the States, she never got use to the noise. Then fire-works were being sold to the public, who would fire the stuff off days before the 4th and days afterwards.
Then the neighborhood noise would create havoc with pets. I think more pets are missing during that time frame and any other time. I know our recently passed two cats were terrified of the noise.
I use to enjoy fireworks when I was much younger. Now that I am a senior citizen, I am more for watch the singing on the main 4th of July shows, then for the fireworks.
When my son was in kindergarten, they asked the children to draw a picture of their favorite holiday. He drew a picture of fireworks and a sky full of musical notes!
In my family, holidays took a certain tilt when I became a fully-fledged adult. (25+ years ago!) So many “shoulds” and “coulds.” But Mom and her lineage refused to drive on certain roads (the ones that led to where I live). Mom was also the world’s worst passenger, due to being a passenger in a car accident in the 1980s and refusing to conquer the fear it stirred up.
Piling on: Mom didn’t care for visiting others, because she insisted that everyone else’s furniture made her back hurt. And Mom was profoundly uncomfortable in any conversation or personal interaction that she could not control.
So the indoor holidays —Easter, T-giving & Xmas — were always at Mom’s. With all her attendant fretting about how “busy” she was. (Insert eye-roll here. Hasn’t worked outside the home since 1967. No volunteer commitments. Just garden-variety sh*tty time management. Which Mom spent a lifetime trying to turn into everyone else’s problem.)
So here’s me: Can I come the weekend before and help you clean? NO. Can we all bring sides/desserts so you only have to cook the ham or turkey? NO.
After dinner: Mom, the dirty dishes can wait. Join us in the living room. NO. How ‘bout you wash and I dry? NO.
Cue up the post-mortem, with Mom’s predictable “I barely had time to wash my face” and “it went so fast” and “I feel like I hardly talked to anyone.”
All true. But Mom didn’t know how to accept help. And wouldn’t take a jaunt over to my in-laws (kill 2 birds with one stone....and be a mere guest!). Wouldn’t come to my house on the “real” holiday or an alternate day, to mitigate the frenzy.
30 years and several funerals later, this dynamic was buried in the local memorial park — along with Mom’s ashes.
Mom’s last living sister goes on tangents about how great it all was — when I was 5 years old. (I’m AARP-age now.) I try to respond to Aunt with something constructive about moving forward. Aunt frequently misinterprets my words. I just let her prattle on. It’s not worth escalating. Or explaining.
As someone who jumped into a full-time+ career 48 hours after college graduation (and never backed off!), I’ve always chafed at being told how I should spend a precious day off. Regardless of that day’s significance per the Hallmark store or somebody’s church.
To each their own. The older I get, the less willing I am to shape-shift for someone else’s playbook.
At the core of it all, I celebrate OPTIONS. Shouldn’t we all? !!
Plus my maternal grandmother would have been 124 years old today!
There so many great memories from Fourth of July--"Black Cat" firecrackers (old style with lots of powder and "Bang") chasing Dad around the yard, helping Dad set up the fireworks display at the local golf course, being able to see the fireworks of other towns 15-20 miles away because the land is so flat, lighting fireworks in our front yard with Mom and Dad and my brother's family. Thanks for the comments. Happy Fourth of July!!