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The holiday season is upon us. For some of you this will be the first Christmas and New Year w/o your LO. What will that mean to you? How will you feel? Whether it was your parent, grandparent, sibling or spouse, it'll be a difficult and emotional time. The grief of your loss will set in if it hasn't already. And as much as you want to you can't just get over grief, you can't snap out of it.


Whether it's a parent, a spouse or someone special, grieving is difficult, it's complex. It's sometimes confused with depression, but there are meds for depression. Not so with grief. Getting better depends on building a new life. That doesn't mean forgetting your LO, nor does it mean no more sadness. Who are you now w/o your LO? What defines your life? What will be your new normal? Answering these questions will give you an action plan for recovery. Grief is not a life sentence.


I recall my first holidays w/o my wife. Sadness, loneliness, and tears were the prevailing emotions. For those who have lost a spouse it is especially difficult. What used to be “we” is now “me”. You've lost the intimacy, your future plans, your life's companion and the mere comfort of his/her presence. For me it was the simple loss of holding hands, snuggling on the couch, a peck on the cheek. And although I grieve no more (it's been 3 years), I miss her dearly.


The two “G” words crop up often in this forum when dealing with a LO's death... grief and guilt. Grief is the normal reaction to the loss of a LO. Guilt is always misplaced. Don't feel guilty about what you coulda/shoulda/woulda done and don't let anyone cause you to feel guilty. They have no experience with what you're going through. And don't look in the rear view mirror, life is in front of you. Instead celebrate your relationship, your years together, your joyful moments, reminisce. Remembering and reminiscing can be very cathartic. Nevertheless, recalling a moment, revisiting a familiar place, or even hearing a certain song may trigger a grief burst where the tears just come. That's OK. Hearing Jimmy Durante's “I'll See You in My Dreams” or “The September Song” does it for me.


It's not just time that will heal you, it's time and choice. Make the choice to address your grief so next year at this time and each following year you'll be able to say, “I'm doing better” until at last you no longer grieve. The pain will go away, the sorrow may last longer but the memories will never fade. Love never dies. Resolving grief is a process that we all complete in our own time.


I want to assure those of you whose heart is broken and who is grieving for the loss of someone you loved, that you are not alone in your journey and that your life WILL get better. God bless you all. I wish you peace.

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What a wonderful question to reach out to us with. I was just yesterday looking at my Bro's last Christmas in his Assisted Living. The first he was out of his own home with his beautiful decorations. He loved Christmas (as did my Mom) while I never much liked it. Chose his cards so carefully, many I still have. He died in May. This Christmas is the first I am doing it MY WAY in 78 years. I am giving to charity, no presents. All the grandkids are grown, and not only understand it, but approve. I am enjoying the lights and cards. And yes, thinking of my bro.
For me there is no grief. There truly wasn't much. He didn't want to stay and was ready to go. He feared the future and losses; he and I are both SO into control; he knew his diagnosis of probable early Lewy's Dementia would means losses in future that he feared. At 85, a gay man, he had had a good life, one in which he saw so much change. He was ready. I could only feel relief that he didn't have to go into darkness, here with losses of self, of dignity. I celebrate him every day of my life and always will. I think of him, reread his long fascinating letters, make a scrapbook of collages to him, and thought I would tell him were he here.
I am at peace. I know he is at peace, and quite honestly that has overall been how we lived our lives, fascinated with humanity and its wonder and fragility, at peace with our lives. For me things aren't a lot different. I looked at him on his pictures from AFL last year, all done up in reinbow antlers, those silly felt things with bells, grinning out at me. I just can't pick up the phone, you know? I just can't plan a plane trip to him, lunch out at Billy Reed's. But he is with me; I feel the same about my parents. It is as though they haven't left me.
I am thankful for your asking. I think about it a lot, especially on walks.
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I lost my husband of 26 years on Sept 14th this year. He had been completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life and had many issues prior to that. I had spent time in anticipatory grief for many years, and so I didn't really think when the time came for him to actually die that I would grieve that much. Boy, was I wrong. Anticipatory grief and actual grief are 2 different things, both of which we have to go through to get to the other side. And so I am doing what most folks that are grieving do, and that's taking one day at a time. Some days are better than others, but in everyday I look for the joy(my favorite word)in it. I am grateful that the Good Lord has blessed me with a positive outlook, and I know that this too shall pass, and that I will come out on the other side, a stronger and better person.
And while yes, these first holidays without my husband have been difficult, I am still choosing to celebrate them, as he would want me to. Especially Christmas. He knew how much I loved Christmas and all that it entails, and he enjoyed it too, so I know that he certainly wouldn't want me moping around on my favorite holiday. And so I won't. There still(most likely)may be tears, at some point in the day, but I will also be grateful that I once again get to spend Christmas with those I love the most, my family.
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I thank you so much for your encouraging and kind post. I lost my last parent in July, the last person who knew me from my start. The grief has definitely been a mixed bag. My dad was so very ready to go. I think back to this time last year, how often he told me he wouldn’t be here much longer, it wasn’t a death wish, but a man who knew his body had worn out, had faith in what was next, and longed to depart. There’s no way I can wish that he was still here being miserable. But I also miss him so. The phone calls have been the biggest change. I went from getting multiple calls a day to such quiet, it was stunning. He was always so interested in me, my family, the world around him, just everything. I think of him often, as I also do my mother, gradually with more smiles than tears. I wish us that, the smiles at the good memories and a blessed holiday season
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Yes, I lost a very special loved one this summer.

Thank you, Sjplegacy for bringing people together on the forum with your thoughtful question.
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Your words ring so true, Gacy. Some people mean the world to us. We never forget them. They are always in our thoughts.

I lost a very good friend. We shared so many celebrations together, birthdays, holidays, parades, festivals and just hanging out at each other’s homes.

Rest In Peace, dear friend. You’re missed by so many. See you again one day 💗.
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My mom died in the summer. I think of her often and miss her. It’s been so hard for my dad. We all will miss her especially on Christmas Eve.
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I lost a brother and much loved nephew, my brother's son, this year. It was only after their deaths that we learned of the seriousness of their substance abuse. They were both sweet, sensitive, talented, and caring men and I will miss them terribly. My nephew lived fast, furious, and dangerously, and died too young as a result. My brother was a recluse, but I thought very health conscious. His drinking destroyed his heart. I hate the disease that took them, but I loved so much about each of them. They lie next to each other in their graves, where there is a beautiful view of the mountains they both spent their happiest times in. I keep thinking that I must call my brother with questions about this or that or tell him something our mother said. The emptiness when I remember he's gone is devastating. I'm okay. I have my husband, my sons, and my niece, but I'm the only one left who knew my brother all his life. Our mom, sadly, in her dementia doesn't remember him at all.
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Artist,

I’m so sorry. Several years back I lost a brother to HepC. He was an addict.

I lost his son, my nephew to suicide. He was an addict.

Addicts suffer horribly, as does the entire family. It’s truly devastating.

My brother and nephew had a sweet side too. The ugly side was due to the addiction. I wish more people understood how addiction works.
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My uncle died a week short of his 98th birthday. He had a fall and was taken to the hospital. No family member allowed to be with him. Not Covid. Family was called and told he was stable. Then within a short period of time all went wrong and he died.

He and my aunt were married close to 70 years. They had a very strong bond. She was having some memory issues but
always knew who everyone was. Now she has full blown dementia and it is felt that became so much worse as the fact that he died alone was agonizing.

This was a very vital women. She was a wonderful cook. Always cleaning up after serving visitors food which she always did when one visited.

Now she is not able to live in the condo they shared. The memories are too painful so she is living with one daughter who has a son that was badly injured in a car accident around 5 years ago and is compromised with his injuries.

When talking to her it is like talking to a machine. She has a few things to say and does so without hearing anyone else and does not want to stay on the phone which I am hearing of alot with patients with dementia. She never cooks anymore.

I believe it is generally felt with my cousins that her dementia became so much worse due to not being with her husband at the end after so many decades together.
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My dad died in September in a nursing home. Dad was 90 with advanced dementia that had been progressing for several years. It was a very peaceful passing. He’d lost interest in food and water for about three days and simply went to sleep. He’d been on hospice and I was able to be with him near the end. Dad was quite delusional for the last year or so but still had remnants of his personality and good humor. The staff liked him and he got great care. I’m the last survivor of my family, brother, sister, mom and dad all gone now.
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Thank you for your comments. I lost my dad in August and my brother a year ago. I still have mom, but Covid restrictions prevent us from visiting. Looking forward and the happy memories help me get up in the morning.
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My mother passed away on her 95th birthday after a fall that broke her hip. It was the first week in February . Strangely enough it was before Covid was known and I believe I had it at the same time she was on her death bed. I had symtoms and went to the doctor. I had spent her last two weeks in the ER, hospital and nursing home. I had a strange cold and was completely fatigued. It was just before we all knew about Covid. Since I am an only child, it was up to me to be there for her. She had lived with me for 10 years and the last five were a challenge.
When her time came, I was grateful that her suffering was over. Now I am grateful that she did not have to see what Covid has done. Her timing was a gift because Covid shut everything down in March. My heart goes out to those who could not be with their loved on at this time.

My peace comes with memories of her. I have a picture board of her with my daughters that meant the world to her. I found joy in giving her recliner to a friend's mother. I asked for donations to the local fire department because of the number of times that they came usually late a night to bring her to the hospital. I donated her hospital bed to a hospice nurse who had a patient that needed it.
The memories and the love she showed me mean so much right now. She is gone and not forgotten. One of my daughters said that she is in heaven having a milkshake.
I am grateful for small things. Can't say that I have a plan for where life will take me. For the moment, I walk and eat healthy. I miss her. I was lucky to have had her for 95 years. Big life lesson!
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Thank you for the kind encouraging words. I was able to care for my sweet husband at home from Oct. 2006- April 2020.We were married for 35 1/2 years. I would do it all again to have the time with him.
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Sunflower,

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband.

I just kissed my sweet husband goodbye before going for his radiation treatment.

I am married 43 years this April.

You are grieving for your husband but he will live in your heart forever.

Wishing you peace and joy. Reflect on the joyful and meaningful memories.
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Bless you and Merry Christmas

Prayers
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Thank you for the encouraging words . This year was not good for me either. I sincerely appreciate everyone’s response for sharing their grief. It helps so much knowing we are not alone. I lost my husband of 37 yrs in February this year, and a son , in June this year.. my grieving is painful . Loosing both 4 months apart is difficult. So unexpected for my son. I loved the part regarding starting a new life. So true. I can’t wait to travel. I have lots of friends, the Bible says that suffering is the training ground for spiritual maturity...how true. Best to everyone and I hope all have a Wonderful Christmas.

‘
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Thank you for sharing.
Lost my Mom age 101 on 10/16/20. The last ride we took together she was dying in the back of an ambulance as I sat in front praying her favorite prayer, the "Hail Mary". I got to be with her in the er trauma room. I managed to call my sibling and Mom's grandchildren so each could say goodbye to her over the phone. I don't know if she heard them or if she new I was even there holding her while I held my cellphone to her ear. But this I do know, she was ready to go, perhaps it was not the best exit from this world but by far not the worst. I console myself knowing what a wonderful lady she was, kind to all she met and do my best everyday to do as she would do. It's the way I honor her. I do miss her music though. Every day she would give a little concert either on her piano or her keyboard. Everyone remembered her that way at her funeral service, her natural musical talent. I am alone now. The house is too quiet without her. We had lived together. But I will remember her words to me that I am strong and that I will go on without her. I will. I do not want to disappoint her. Life moves forward but it is okay to occasionaly to look back and remember those that we loved dearly an miss every day and hold forever in our hearts.
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Dsturgeon,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet husband.

We become ‘one’ when we marry. We lose a part of ourselves when a partner dies.

I often wish that I will die before my husband. I don’t know if I could bear to lose him.

I am surprised that I am not a total basket case during his cancer treatments.

I am managing to hold it together. It’s important for him.

Sue,

How very sweet your love is for your mom.

We are a Catholic family so I understand that you were praying the Hail Mary on that ambulance ride.

It’s a beautiful prayer.

In a Catholic family we never stop praying for our loved ones.

Indeed, they live in our hearts and souls forever.

I will say a ‘Hail Mary’ for your mother, also an Our Father and Glory Be.

We buried my grandmother with her rosary, because she was never without it in life.

At first I was upset because I wanted my mom to have grandma’s rosary but I quickly felt that it was my mom’s decision to make. After all, it was her mother.

I make jewelry and I have made many rosaries, some with crystals, pearls, gem stones, etc.

There is something very special about making a rosary that will be used in prayer.
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My deepest condolences for everyone who has lost someone.

I lost mom in October. I think I'm doing ok, but there are moments...my mom wasn't overly sentimental about the holidays, so it hasn't been too terrible.

However, I haven't been back to church since she passed. Well, I actually haven't been back since before that, since we were all on lockdown. Church was a big part of my mom's life, she was very active her entire life, until she was essentially shut in because of the heart failure. I can take the "wimp's" way out this year, and not go Christmas Eve, because of the pandemic, but if there wasn't Covid around, I don't know if I would have been able to get through the candlelight service without breaking down.

I think once everything is back to "normal" and I can resume going to church, it's going to be rough the first few times.
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Thank you all for your encouraging words. I loss mom Nov 05,2020 it’s extremely hard, missing her every moment of my life. Though I thank God that I was with her at her last moment. And I know she’s with me. Happy holidays to all and again

Thank you 
Letty
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Thank you so much for your honest words as I am grateful to have read them. Blessings.
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This question has been so helpful, reading your very emotional responses. I lost my Mom at the end of August. I would have never believed the pain and grief would be so bad, as she was in her 90s. I guess because we were so close for 22 years. I cared for her 24/7 for 10 weeks, she refused to believe she was dying from a soft tissue sarcoma that
was way too big to remove. I let her believe it was old age. The grief was so great because I watched her get weaker and more ill each day. I learned that dementia can be a blessing, she did not remember the bad days nor anything the doctors told her. She was always a feisty lady, up for a fight, but the slight dementia and the low electrolytes made her the most lovable Mom. That was a gift for me, many times she thought I was her Mommy and she’d lay her head on my shoulder. I will treasure those 10 weeks more than the good times we had shopping, having lunch, traveling and talking. But I still have the sadness and grief, a little anger at my sibling. Christmas is going to be tough, so reading this and writing this is helping. I am sorry for the loss of your loved ones. I wish you all many blessings in 2021. It has to be a better year. ☺️🙏
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Your message is written quite well. It certainly explains grieving from a certain perspective and I'm sure there are many folks, based on comments here, that relate to this.

I, on the other hand, find myself on the side of what feels like eternal grief. I feel the exact same way as I did 43 yrs ago when my father was taken by a violent crime. Holidays were absolutely horrible. The only period that seemed to lessen the pain was after siblings started having children and their happiness seemed to lighten the air a little. I don't think that many people understand that I actually do think of him nearly every minute of each day. Always have. I sometimes think it was such an ongoing pain was that he did not get to grow old. I'm not sure. This this year, my youngest sibling died unexpectedly (not covid). For any progress I though I had made in just being able to talk about my father - it seems to have taken me back to the exact moment, the exact day and year when my father was taken. I think it is just how it will be.
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Thank you for taking the time to write this lovely post. I lost my husband in June and am struggling to get my feet back under me. Your encouraging words are so helpful, especially during this first holiday season without him. God bless you.
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Heartfelt prayers sent out to all those who have lost loved ones this year. My deepest condolences go out to you. Please keep posting when you require support or a virtual hug.
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My husband died on Wednesday, Dec 16. He had a beautiful outdoor funeral with a military gun salute and folding of the flag. Geese flew overhead in formation as though on cue. And his overseas brother participated via video call.

I did everything I could to give my husband a good life these last 6 years. Amazingly, I was able to care for him at home with the help of his VA home-based Primary Care Team. But, we aren’t meant to be in this physical existence forever. His body finally gave out.

Lots of emotions. Lots of unknowns and new responsibilities ahead. One day at a time.
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I lost my brother in July from complications due to MD. Its a horrible disease. Diagnosed in his early 40s and passed at 59. My heart is broken. I find that my heart aches for my own loss but even more so for his family that was left behind. So, yeah, the holidays are particularly hard this year. My heart goes out to everyone mourning the loss of a loved one.
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I attended a Zoom Funeral for my step mother in law this morning. She lost her 4th battle with cancer in the last 20 years. Sadly she did not live long enough to meet her second grandchild.

If there is anything good that has come out of Covid, it is being able to join a funeral remotely. There is not way I could have traveled to the UK to attend in person, but I was able to set my alarm clock, get up extra early and pay my respects.
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Someone had written that they were afraid to go to church, it would be too painful without their loved one. Now I cannot find that post. I did go today on Christmas morning I sat in the same pew where we sat. Me and Mom for 22 years. Church was so important to her, sometimes she called me everyday thinking it was Sunday. I saved some of the messages, they make me laugh a little. I hadn’t been to church since 3/13, as they closed the church for covid lockdown that week. That day a very large, but harmless snake was at the church door when we came out. It felt like an ominous thing to me and ironically it slithered into St Patrick’s garden (he drove the snakes out of Ireland). It proved to be a true warning of bad things to come for many. Today I was crying at home trying to watch the early Christmas service, so I figured I might as well cry at church. I noticed many others crying, I was not alone. I made it through and actually felt very happy that I attended. After, I went to Starbucks, that was what I would have done with her on Christmas Day to get a snack before a late lunch. I cried again when the drive thru girl asked me what plans I had for Christmas Day. She was so sweet and caring, and said her friends had lost loved ones this year and she understood. I then took a drive and could almost hear her pick out pictures in the clouds. It was a beautiful day, she would have loved it. I want to encourage others to go to church again, if you can safely attend. People were very conscious of social distancing. Bring something with you or wear something that was your loved ones, so you feel they are with you. It was very difficult, but part of my healing.
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I lost my brother this year and I miss him more than I thought I would. He was a wise man and gave great advice.
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