Husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s this year. He is 80 years old and is very mad at me. He is accusing me of not cooking for him.

Ellie;

I'm so sorry for this new turn in your husband's journey.

Have you considered that DH (dear husband) may have a UTI? You would be completely justified, now that he's taken to his bed and is refusing to eat, to call 911 and report to the EMTs that this is a HUGE change in mental and physical status for him and that you are afraid he's had a stroke. Or a brain tumor. Or something else dire!

You REALLY WANT them to to transport him to the hospital NOW and figure out what is going on with him. This does not sound to me like "just' an increase in dementia symptoms. This sounds like something you want to get looked at immediately.

PS, if you were to drive to the store, do you REALLY think he has the wherewithal to leave? Don't let his threats deter you from doing the right thing.

Ellie, please come back and tell us how you are.

A lot of us are very worried about you. You are not on the Pittypot, nor are you participating in a pity party.

You are dealing with an elder with dementia and possibly a UTI, given his sudden mental statue change.

I hope that you can see your way clear to call 911.

Another question by Ellie: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-husband-is-angry-at-me-and-will-not-eat-or-sleep-in-the-same-bed-he-has-early-alzheimers-and-he-seems-to-hate-me-439251.htm

Ellie if this was your best girl friend and you saw her and her husband in the condition that yours is in, what would you advise her to do? Please call 911. We are worried. 

Ellie, you write that you're at a loss what to do. Posters are telling you: Call 911.

I'm going to be frank, and blunt, b/c I don't think you realize the seriousness of the situation.

Your husband is trained in self protection, handling criminals, using a weapon. Are you?

He is unstable, for whatever reasons. He hasn't eaten in several days so he's probably going into some kind of electrolyte imbalance - I'm only surmising; I'm not a medical person.

You're afraid to leave b/c you have a dog and you're afraid your husband will die. You son can't take your dog? A friend can't take the dog?

He's going to die if he doesn't get to a hospital and get fluids and food, and nothing you do or write will stop that if he's made a determination not to eat.

He's MORE likely to die if you DON'T get emergency help ASAP.

And you need to get help as well; consider finding an emotionally battered women's support group and/or immediate help for you, as an emotionally battered woman. If you don't you may become a physically battered woman.

You're more concerned about him than yourself. This speaks volumes for the situation you're in.

No one can force you to get emergency help. Posting here helps us help you, but we can't call 911 for you. Only YOU can make that call.

You have to ask yourself NOW why you're now on the phone to EMS.

Ellie, I've read through both threads wondering if there is any more background to this that we might be missing.

How long have you been married? How old are you, if that isn't a rude question? And is your son living with you and your husband, or nearby?

Just for now, though, what is your husband's physical state? You say he hasn't eaten for four or five days - are you sure he hasn't eaten, or do you just mean that he won't share a table with you? Is he visiting the bathroom as normal, does he seem ill or generally well?

I'm sorry to ask such a lot of questions, just trying to get a clearer picture. I hope you're okay. And as always - if you feel frightened for your safety, get out of the house and then call the police.

I did call the police station and my son called them. The police did come and talk to him. He was very nice to the police officers. He showed them where the guns were and they have taken the guns. The EMTs checked his vital and they were ok. The officers stayed quite awhile talking to him and offering to get him food. He will not eat anything I can make for him. My son and daughter also were here and offered food for him. The police officer determined that they could not have him transported to a hospital. They have a complete write up on the situation and are contacting a Resourse officer who has handled many similar cases. His office is in our senior center. Unfortunately, being a holiday, he will not be available until Tuesday to go over the case and what are the options for getting help. So my husband is back sleeping in the Living room for the night and I get the bed for the night. My son is coming tomorrow and my daughter on Monday. He has never been physically abusive to me. He is not happy about the guns being taken and did let me know he is leaving me.

I am exhausted and going to get some sleep. It is 10 pm EST
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I will update soon😘

Ellie, I'm glad to read that action has been taken. It's unfortunate that your husband wasn't taken to the hospital, but the good news is that the guns were removed from the house.

Your husband seems to use the threat of leaving you periodically. Perhaps he's trying to manipulate you, but whatever his intentions, if he wants to leave you can't really prevent him from doing so, especially since I suspect he's stronger than you are.

But, enough for tonight.

Get a good rest; as Scarlett O'Hara famously said, "tomorrow is another day."

He is too weak to leave. I honestly wish he would. Of course, he was very nice to the officers and willingly gave them his guns Not speaking much to me but last night he came out to say to me as a former police officer he is now blaming me for the loss of his protection. He will definitely get out of my life. I just sat calmly and listened to him because I did not want to provoke him further. I have no fear of him. I just let him talk. He is not yelling and I am staying calm. I slept fine and ready to face the day with my usual activities. Thank you and if we can get him to his doctor on Tuesday I will discuss UTI. I will call if he does not go. He is very pleasant with other people and tells them he hates the garbage I feed him and is still blaming me for his condition. The EMT checked his vitals and determined he did not have to be hospitalized

Ellie, I am so relieved that the officers took this seriously and removed the weapons! And that you will have support from your kids for the next couple of days. They will not only witness the situation, but also he may be less apt to act out with them there. I don’t want to alarm you further, but please don’t let your guard down, as he is unstable. And don’t hesitate to call 911 again if needed, if his anger escalates or he trys to act on his threat of leaving. “He was very nice to the police officers”. So perhaps having one of the kids tape the angry outbursts will give the police/Emts more background.

Ellie, I'm glad you are determined for him to see the doc on Tuesday, or at least to speak with him.

Could be a UTI or possibly the paranoia that sometimes comes with some kinds of dementia. Glad the guns are gone!

There are meds that help with paranoia. Is he on any medication currently?

Ellie, since he wants to leave, why doesn't he? Perhaps a separation at this point would be good for both of you. The marital discord isn't contributing to anything except frustration.

And if he leaves, where will he go. The man has Alzheimer's. He cannot be reasoned with. He has lost that ability. Me personally would want somebody in the house with me. If he does start showing violent behaviour please get out and then call the police. They then can do something.

Ellie, if your husband hadn't eaten in 4 or 5 days, how in the world did the EMT's say his vitals were ok? Your husband is in starvation mode, thus his blood pressure would be below normal.... his heart rate below normal..... he would feel faint.... he would feel dizzy.... he would have dehydration [unless he has been drinking fluids].... body temperature fluctuation.

I just cannot vision a person in their 80's being able to get out of bed to show police officers where he has his guns, and also sit down with them to chat. Starvation mode makes a person unable to think clearly, and also be angry.

My gosh if I just skip breakfast, I would be feeling faint at work after a few hours.

Thus, your husband has been eating something. Otherwise, the EMT's would have taken him to the hospital.

I share FF's disbelief that someone who hasn't eaten in 4 - 5 days can exhibit normal vitals signs. I would think that he's be severely dehydrated, weak and perhaps a bit confused.

I asked a few friends who are in medical positions (nurse, and a tech) and they were amazed too, although they wonder if there's some misunderstanding on Ellie's part as to what the EMTs actually found.

I just can't believe that someone who hasn't eaten in 4 - 5 days can have normal vital signs.

And as Ellie wrote in response to my earlier post, he's too weak to leave. Then why didn't the EMTs take him to the ER? I've never knows EMTs to just leave a person who's so weak in the home and not take him or her in for at least a checkup, and rehydration as necessary.

Something's amiss here.

I did find out he had been eating candy that was in the bedroom. Yesterday, Sunday. My son brought coffee and donuts for him. One of his favorites as a former police officer. He spoke to my son and eat the donuts. He is now blaming me about losing his guns that were for our protection. If something is amiss, I haven’t a clue.

Hi Ellie and Everyone. I just had to put my "two cents" in as I have been going through something similar though my honey is only 65. I have posted in some of the other threads some of the things that have been going on and your situation sounds very similar. I have figured out that my honey is doing everything he can to intimidate me and bring me to heel. I hate to say this about him as I love him very much and we have been together, though we are not married (not even common law) for thirty years. But I have been thinking back over his verbal actions over the last two years.

He had always treated me with love and respect (he knew I would tolerate no verbal or physical abuse) but after thinking about it, about two years ago when I would make a suggestion or offer an opinion he would tell me "don't think, you don't do it very well". (always before he would ask my opinion on everything) I would stop him on this and tell him he was not going to talk to me this way. In Feb of this year he started getting really verbally mean, and a couple of times I was afraid it was going to get physical. I hid our guns (mine is where I can get to it if someone breaks in, but is out of his reach). Thank heaven it hasn't gotten physical. And if it looks like it is going to I will have 911 out there so fast it will make his head spin. He has been in the hospital and is now in a rehab facility (I refused to let him come home as I could not physically care for him in the condition he was in). He is furious at me about it. But oh well....

I guess my point is I have changed since he has been in the hospital. I am finding myself again and did not realize how beaten down (emotionally) I was and how physically tired I was. As well as how I was walking on egg shells because of the change in him. That will not happen again.

I am worried about you too as I have been dealing with a verbal abuse, bullying, manipulative situation. There will be some changes when he comes home after his surgery. I am a little afraid with the way he has been acting and though we will not have any protection, I am going to try to get a safety deposit box to put our guns in as if he leaves (he threatens to on a daily basis though he is not home) I want to make sure I have protection living alone and I have not lost my protection.

We have two dogs (my babies) and they and I have been so much more relaxed since he has been in the hospital and rehab. Oh, his brother and SIL were very close but since his brother has been calling my honey direct I have sensed a change in their attitude and responses to me so heaven only knows what he has told them. His brother does not even respond to me when I answer his questions. (Alienating helps the verbal abuser as then a person has no one to turn to or to talk to) I do say verbal abuser as when I got married young I went through a verbally and physically abusive relationship and my honey's verbal meanness is a flashback to that. I didn't think of his verbal meanness as abuse...just frustration and being scared, but looking back I have to say that bad behavior can only be excused for just so long on that excuse. He wants me to help him take a shower today and I agreed, but I will let his nurse know about it before helping him. He isn't taking care of himself diet wise ( on a low sodium heart diet) and has demanded that I bring him some mini coconut donuts and some caffeine free diet coke. I am taking them but not putting them in my bag. I will carry them in the store bag. His brother says my honey is tired of everyone telling him what to do and I understand, but doesn't my honey understand that to get better he has to listen to someone other than himself?

Sorry everyone, wrote a "book" again and hopefully it made sense. (smile). Have a great holiday everyone. Ellie please take care and call 911 if you feel threatened. Please keep us posted.

Please note that weapons and memory loss are not a good mix. There will be a phase in some Alzheimer's/Dementia cases where paranoia will set in. Thus the spouse with memory issues goes for their guns, they could very easily shoot a love one. Ellie, does your husband really feel he could safely defend his house with a fire arm?

Here's an article on home safety: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/should-seniors-be-allowed-to-keep-guns-169994.htm

I agree with you freqflyer. This is why I am looking at a safety deposit box at our bank or a gun safe that only I have combination or thumb print access to. My honey has handgun training and was in the service and I have approx. 3000 hours of handgun training. I don't want him to have access to a weapon due to his state of mind right now, but do not want to take the privilege away from him till his state of mind is evaluated after his surgery. Just a safety precaution should he come home before surgery.

Dusti, may I share some information about gun storage? I've just been through a partial research stage but still have a bit more to do. And I was surprised at what I learned.

This is what I've learned, but it may be specific to a particular insurance carrier or state:

1. An insurance carrier will not insure guns unless they're in a gun safe. Even so, it's not a treasured item with them, and they concur that storage offsite with a gunsmith is better. The agent didn't refuse to insure them, but made it clear that the carrier didn't want to insure guns, of any type.

2. Storing guns, properly identified with serial numbers, type of weapon, etc., can be done with gunsmith; this seems to be standard in some areas. It was literally unheard of in my area, so I'm having some trouble finding a gunsmith to store the guns.

Vetting the gunsmith is another issue. I'm still working on that.

3. One gunsmith will send an employee to help categorize and load the guns. One has a photographer to photo them before storage. I was advised to photo ALL the guns, from various angles, and document everything I could about the guns.

4. Mine will be sold, so that involves some additional paperwork, particularly if they're handguns.

5. If you do store them, be aware of the climactic conditions under which they're stored. I learned that the REALLY serious collectors often have acclimatized, moisture controlled walk-in safes, i.e., such as a whole room dedicated to storage, with a hygrometer to measure moisture. I don't know if gun safes have climate controls, but moisture can affect the gun. I can attest to that.

So consider where your gun safe would be, what the moisture content of the room is, whether it's on a slab or basement, and other climactic conditions.

Just thought you might be interested. I somehow doubt a bank would agree to store a gun, even in a safety box, just b/c it's a weapon (although apparently the James Bond and Jason Bourne type characters have found ways to get around that!). I'd be interested in what you learn when you contact a bank though.

GA, here in God's Country (also known as the rural South) many collectors tuck their valuable firearms in a bank's safety deposit box after a good cleaning and coating of grease. Insurance companies insure collectible firearms just like jewelery or other high dollar valuables. Defensive weapons are also insured for loss like other household goods. Living around guns, gun owners, and gun collectors all my life I have never heard of anyone storing their guns anywhere but their home or a bank. I have both a home safe (tractor supply has several good models) and a bank deposit box for my firearms. When selling a collection, people do turn their guns over to an auction house or licensed dealer who will handle the sale and you do want photographs that document the condition of the firearm and it's identification numbers/marks so there can be no substitutions before the sale. Many gunsmiths are also licensed dealers so I guess you could turn your firearms over to them for sale, but storage? Wouldn't that be like asking the fox to guard the hens?

I would just like to say that I have lived around electricity, firearms, chain saws, axes, kitchen knives, military swords, large animals (horses and cows), automobiles and propane my entire life and I am equally respectful of them all. They all have wonderful uses and they can all kill if not handled with appropriate care. At some point on the dementia journey, the person with dementia cannot be depended upon to take that care anymore and needs their access controlled/limited. The handyman tools can even be a problem if your family member with dementia decides to replace the light fixture or well pump. My dad put enough pool grade chlorine into the well to have poisoned my parents ten times over when he decided it was "dirty".

I agree Ellie needs to secure the firearms from her husband in his present apparent state of mind, but I find it interesting that no one expressed the same concern her husband (particularly with his training) might choose to use other easily available household weapons or even his bare hands to injure her. After all crime statistics tell us wives and girlfriends are more often beaten, strangled or stabbed than shot.

Ellie, I encourage you to sleep behind a locked door. Having someone else in your home isn't a bad idea either. Dementia and strokes have been documented to change personality and decision making processes so much that devoted family men have killed their wives, children and grandchildren. It's rare it goes that far and no one wants to believe their loved one could be so effected but it does happen. Your husband's anger and blaming you for his problems are indications that he could be physically aggressive toward you and when that happens no one can really predict what form that aggression will take.

BTW - why would you load guns prior to storing them? Did you mean unload?

What ever happen to the new technology that was being worked on regarding the "smart gun" where the gun can only be used by the authorized user? I thought that was wonderful news, thus if you have a gun in your house and someone breaks in, if they grab the gun from you it will not fire if the gun is turned on you. The gun is equipped to read a fingerprint or you need to wear a special ring on your hand for it to work.

That would have eliminated most of the terrible school shootings.

Sadly, the NRA didn't like this new technology.

Thanks GardenArtist and TN. I don't worry as much about moisture as we clean our guns regularly even if they have not been fired and they are kept in a protective case. I would unload his prior to storage, but mine would be where I could get to it should we have a break in. GardenArtist thank you for your research. I will keep y'all posted.

I went out today to see him and though he got brash a couple of times overall it was a good visit. As to him being physical...I just don't know if he would be capable of that. But I have learned to follow my instincts and will be careful when he comes home. Thank you TN.

Ellie has 2 threads going on this issue. I don’t remember which one I posted this caution on, but yes, Techie, you are absolute correct. Ellie, I hope you are very vigilant around your husband especially if you are alone with him. Even with the guns out of the house there are still other ways he could hurt you. Do not hesitate to call 911 again if you are afraid. Could you have one of your kids stay overnight until you get a handle on this through his doctor?

rocketjcat… I have to admit that I have been posting on both of Ellie's threads. It is a scary situation that Ellie is in. Ellie please be careful and take care.

Ellie: TNtechie’s comprehensive list of household dangers is an excellent reference. You can’t be too careful. Your safety is key.

Techie, I knew were differences between the North and the South and especially on the issue of guns, but I am honestly shocked that guns would be covered by insurance. I met with more than a bit of resistance when I addressed this issue with my agent.

I understand about the fox guarding the henhouse, or rather the guns. The issue would be that gunsmiths have more storage capacity, controlled environment, and more security than the average homeowner. Photographing the guns and identifying them as much as possible would theoretically guard against theft.

But now you've made me rethink the issue. Check your PMs.

Thanks for that information.

This is Ellie. My husband is in the hospital for testing now. I will update at a later date. Thank you so much for all the information and suggestions. I so appreciate it.

Hi Ellie...so glad he is getting tested. Please keep us posted. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your husband and your son.