I just need a place to vent, I am currently at work and overheard some of my colleagues talking about their lives, and what plans they have. I know I should not compare my life to another, but it is frustrating. I am here doing what largely feels like wasting away my youth funding care for my MIL so she can be as comfortable and happy as humanly possible.
I know I am being a man-child in the way I am thinking. I want to splurge on us, and not sound like an asshole, especially on myself. I cannot, I refuse to charge unnecessary items like my side of the family suggestions. I want to use the non essential income to have some fun. I cannot so that since a large portion goes into my MIL's care.
I do not want to frame this like we are struggling, far from it. I have a well paying job in a career that has room for growth. My current income is enough to provide for us all comfortably. I am able to max out retirement contributions, we have a college fund I am contributing to just in case we choose to have kids later on down the road.
I understand my wife, and her mother did not choose to get this horrible disease. I understand that her careteam's sole focus is what is best for their patient, my MIL. I also get that yes, she is much better in our home with us paying for proper care. She is like a completely different person compared to before. As I like to put it, she is pleasantly demented. I know this sounds mean, but it really is the only way I can put it. My wife is also doing better, prior she was utterly depressed and ever since we took over he anxiety, depression, and stress levels have all gone down. I love the fact she and her mom are happy. I just hate the fact that I am not, and I hate that I feel this way.
I understand I am doing a noble thing, allowing my wife to have this time with her mother. I hate that the cost is just so darn high. I wish I had the heart to tell my wife, you know what we could do with an extra 5k a month? I know even if I told her she would say money is not everything. She is right it is not, but what is the point of doing all that work getting if I still have to pinch pennies when it comes to getting things I would like because we have little disposable income because it is going to my MIL's care.
I want to buy a new car, I want to pick up real-estate as a hobby, I want to be able to say, "Yeah I can afford to spend a little extra on myself." Instead I am here watching my friends, and my wife enjoy life and here I am hating myself for hating the fact others are happy.
What type of person feels such a way for giving the gift of extra time for a mother and daughter. I feel as if I am just scum.
Sorry for the rant, I did not to post this in my other thread cause I did not want to detract from all the wonderful information I have gotten.
I ask because, I find it incredibly distasteful that your MIL waited until she was in her 40s to have a child and not plan for old age.
Leaving all the care to her child, that she didn't have until she was old enough to be a grandma, was obviously her plan and it is as wrong as it gets.
Caregiving has to work for everyone in the home or it isn't working.
It is time for a plan that doesn't consume your life and your wife's to prop up her mom. A loving mom wouldn't expect the sacrifice your MIL is so comfortable taking from you both.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation, it shows how selfish people can be, unfortunately.
My wife and her doctors loathe the concept of placement and believes best course of action is to be with family. Truthfully she has done very well. All her issues she had before wandering, aggressive, anxiety, talking to mirrors all subsided within the year of moving in with us.
Her doctors/ care team believe in taking this approach of maintaining comfort above all us. They have found that such approach greatly improves quality of life. Ideally that makes sense realistically not so much.
She is not my mom though I can see this logically my wife cannot. Especially when the doctors are telling her she is doing the right thing and it would be wrong to place her when she is doing so well at home.
It is clear that my MIL thinks the world of my wife. Everyone that engages with her instantly sees the love she has for her daughter.
I don't know the assets of your elder at all, and only you know if your wealth rises to the amount needed for your own elder years; trust me they are here before you know it.
I know people who put off long trips, a second cabin in the woods, whatever thinking "I will do that/we will do that when we retire" only to find that retirement arrives with a dire diagnosis that makes all those dreams impossible.
At 81 I am very glad that I saw the world when I was well and able and had the strength, and that I saved ever penny I could for my old age. I never thought it would come, but it did.
Only you know your own income, your own capacity.
Venting is more than welcome here. People will trip in with "advice" as I just did. Below questions section on AC you will see "Discussions" which is the best place to post an individual vent without a question or to add to other posts such as "My Whine" or "On my Mind", long standing posts created by others. You will get lots of input.
Best out to you and good luck.
You do understand that your MIL could live a long, long time and you will have no life, no future as the costs will continue to escalate.
You have a right to enjoy the fruits of your labor and enjoy your life.
You are not scum, don't frame your feelings that way, I personally would not do what you are doing.
Start working on a new plan to free yourself from this bondage, which was created by someone else who did not plan for elder years, if you keep doing what you are doing you may find yourself in the same position, without retirement funds.
Sending support your way.
Admiration and love are 2 different dynamics and your MIL is dependent on her daughter and has great admiration for her, based on what you have shared but love? Not according to the way I see it.
You and you wife are WAY too young to be giving up the best years of your lives caregiving.
And you should not be spending one penny on her care. Period.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like your wife has her priorities out of whack. You and your marriage should be coming first and foremost, before anyone's parent. You cannot have a healthy marriage when one partner doesn't put the other first. I'm just saying.
What is MILs age?
Never compare yourself to others. One of my classmates was old money wealthy, handsome, smart, clever and very popular. I could see how others wanted to be in his position. In the years since the tragedies that happened to him I would not accept for any amount of money. Plus he had all that goodness and hasn't even used it to get the most enjoyment out of life. He was thin and trim and athletic back then, now he's noticeably overweight, particularly in the face and abdomen.
As to your mother-in-law, anything you do should be from the heart and no more. I used to literally abhor the thought of my father going into assisted living. I went to the "ends of the earth" and gave up like decades to keep him happy. I was so afraid of assisted living but as soon as he did he got so much better in all respects and me and my brother can now live our lives enjoyably and yet treat my father even better than before. My brother is on a 2 month holiday now. When he returns it's my turn.
I have learned so much from this site, and one of the things I appreciate is, so often, the advice here is do not risk your own health and well being in order to try and take care of an elderly parent, especially if that care goes unappreciated.
I hope you get what you want here, this site is awesome. Good luck to you.
On the other hand I have found that is not the same across the board. I married my wife knowing this was going to happen this is how she was raised. That said I was ignorant to the idea it would happen so soon.
I do respect your opinion but I do have to disagree with the notion my MIL does not love her daughter my wife. The love they have is 100% real and my wife does not have this position out of guilt or obligation she does it solely out of love for her mother.
Anyone who loathes placement has clearly never been inside a care facility where there are kind, professional caregivers who go out of their way to keep the patients safe, happy and comfortable. And where patients have a social life, entertainment and interaction with many folks.
Sadly I feel that you’re in for a long haul here. I wish your wife cared as much about your marriage as she does for her mother. They appear to be codependent and enmeshed. This is really dysfunctional, and I wish you luck in coming to terms with the situation, if you can.
Does your wife have the same earning power that you have?
Is she planning on forgoing having children because she is caring for mom?
Who is going to take care of her?
What is it and at what age did MIL get it? Thanks for this answer, and sorry if I missed it in your replies.
I bare no resentment towards the time they spend together. I also do enjoy the time we spend together. She has great stories and generally is fun to be around.
My wife runs an online bakery from our house. Profits are not amazing or anything but she is happy. She left teaching because it was ruining her metal kids are a special kind of mean.
I am kind of neurotic when it comes to things like saving. I do not have it in me to not have a college fund started for our kids since we are not certain. If we 100% agreed to not have kids sure. Since we are still unsure.
I grew up on the poorer scale, I had to work my way through school, was unable to go to the school of my dreams even though I got accepted because I could not afford it even with financial aid and loans. I was a decent student just not scholarship worthy.
I want to make sure that is not an issue for my kid if we choose to have kids. The college fund is big thing for me.
Good idea though, altering the way I see things would help a lot.
I may be wrong, but it certainly doesn't sound like she does, as you and your concerns should come WAY before her mothers.
And because it sounds like your MIL has early unset Alzheimer's, I hope you realize that that can go on for 20+ years. A gentleman in my caregivers support group is in year 21 of caring for his wife with early onset Alzheimer's. She of course is in memory care and has been for the last 7 years.
Are you willing to give up your life for that long? Just curious.
But, since you said that your MIL has no money, shouldn't she be placed on medicaid so the care giving expenses at home would be taken care of? I thought medicaid covers that, doesn't it?
And, your wife works from home, but it's still a 5K expense to care for the MIL?
I understand because I'm a lot like you. Both a saver and a man who likes his toys and money to play with. I have my eye on a car right now knowing it's the last thing I "need." Yeah, it's childish. I see that and you see it too. I won't get the car. It's not good use of our money when both wife and I have cars less than a year old. God's been good to us and I need to be a good steward. So I've learned to be happy with wishful thinking when it comes to certain things. That can sustain you. You have to get your priorities straight and decide.
You're living comfortably, wanting for nothing, your wife is happy, you enjoy her mother. don't have a problem with her living in your home, your wife contributes income, but you can't stop feeling cheated without extra cash for you to play with.
My advice-
1. Suck it up and learn to be happy with dreaming about expensive non-essentials as I have.
2. Or else diversify your savings and create a fund for the extra money you want for yourself in order to feel happy. If this necessitates cutting back contributions to current savings, the college fund for example, then do it.
You have to know the college fund is extreme when you have no children and no sure plan for children. Leave what you saved there but don't add more. For now.
Storing up for a future that's not guaranteed often doesn't work out well anyway.
Have you ever read of the man in the bible who built new barns to hold his abundance? When you're wanting for nothing, blessing others out of your abundance is what's noble and yields fruit for the future. The concept is sewing and reaping.
Good luck in finding a solution to this problem. In the meanwhile, you should try your best to not allow the stress to consume your life as this can lead to your early demise. My daughter just recently attended a funeral of a co-worker for a major corporate firm who died suddenly from a heart attack. He used to work just as hard as you are doing right now. He was just 45 years old.
With all due respect to everyone, it might take a man who's like him to understand what he wrote and that's why I got it.
Here are a few comments he added in the thread:
1. "I married my wife knowing this was going to happen this is how she was raised."
(He agreed to this at the outset. He doesn't deny that. He married her knowing this plan.)
2. "I have nothing but nice things to say about her both post and pre diagnosis."
"I also do enjoy the time we spend together. She has great stories and generally is fun to be around." (Speaking of his mother-in-law.)
3. "I do respect your opinion but I do have to disagree with the notion my MIL does not love her daughter my wife. The love they have is 100% real and my wife does not have this position out of guilt or obligation she does it solely out of love for her mother."
I wish I could wave a magic wand but nothing will change for the better now, I hate the disease and how it has devastated more than just his life. I am so physically sick I honestly don’t think I have more than a year. I will pray for you. I know your pain and frustration