Less of a question more of me venting, seeking validation.

"This thread is me mostly venting, since I plan to show my wife the other thread I did not want her to seeing comments about how I felt."

Therein lies your problem.

Why is it you don't want to tell your wife how you feel? She is your mate; if there is ANYONE on this Earth you should be able to tell how you feel, it's your spouse!

You do your wife - and yourself - a huge disservice NOT sharing these concerns with your wife! How do you expect her to know how you feel? Is she a mind reader? If you continue along without telling her your concerns - which are legitimate, by the way - she is going to believe that you are OK with everything, and not even try to find other solutions. Because, hey, why should she? She thinks everything is AOK, because you don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with her. And I get it will be uncomfortable...but sometimes you have to have those conversations, especially with the people you love the most.

If you're not willing to discuss these issues with your wife, I'm really afraid that there's no advice you're going to get here that is going to help you get through this quagmire you find yourself in.

When people tell you us who they are...
I think we should believe them.

Yeach she is under treatment for her depression.

As for the othe thread is aimed towards getting solutions towards LTC and how to navigate the pitfalls of the system.

The focus on we is because when I show her the thread I do not want to get blasted for making her sound one way airing too much history on a forum. I made it to vent cause I really have no where else to vent. Sorry if that is against the rules if so as I said please delete it.

This thread is me mostly venting, since I plan to show my wife the other thread I did not want her to seeing comments about how I felt. Each thread served a different purpose at the core. If that is an issue mods can delete this one.

As for Medicaid as mentioned I have spoken with ECA and they told me personally it is not worth it. Given the fact she is not my mother, my wife is reluctant and even if we got her Medicaid it would not serve much use at this point and time. Also.our level of assistance being provided makes things complicated.

I meant that genetic testing might give you all a better sense what to plan for.

Has your wife's depression been evaluated?

...and Basic - one other thing...since you said that the company you work for allows her to be on your insurance, have you looked into long term care insurance for her? Premiums are costly but way less then what you're currently paying in her care - plus, you need to think about the future - it would be wise having that for her.

And you said that she goes to adult day care during the week - is that the reason the expenses are so high for her? Have you researched options because I know elders who attend such groups and most cities provide this service subsidized.

HI Basic - you haven't responded to the suggestion of putting your MIL on Medicaid - are you living in the US?

If so, that would resolve some financial issues for you and she could still get the care at home. Your thoughts?

..and also, please stop beating yourself up for now feeling differently than when you made a 'promise" to your wife regarding future care for her mother. The reality of a situation and living it can be entirely different than just the concept of it.

Nah my wife has not, and I do not think she should. I know my wife such information would not do her anywell in terms of mental health. If we had better treatment options I would be all for it, but in this point I agree with the doctors. Knowing does not change anything. All you can do is try to mitigate the risk factors. Knowing if you carry the markers just creates unnecessary worry over something you have very little control over. You can do everything right and still get it, you can do everything wrong and not get it.

Teaching really ramped up her depression to the point where she took pills. I never wanted to see my wife in that position again. I know it was more a cry for help because she left me a cryptic message. Even still that is not an experience I want her to go through again. She enjoys her online bakery and she generates some revune.

You are right that I fill that more provider / protector role. I do x so my wife can do y and be happier. Don't get me my job sucks more so because of the people, I enjoy what I do so I do not mind the drama. That said teaching really did alter who she was at the core. She was visibly unhappy and unwell.

Basic, if you posted this question on Bogleheads (which I think you should do), you might be told this is a marital, not financial question.

Your wife is in the season of her life where she should be building a career. I understand not wanting to be in the classroom but with a bit more training, she could become a speech therapist, a psychologist or social worker. I'm going to assume she's bilingual; those fields are in dire need of bilingual clinicians.

Is this a marriage of equals, or are you the "provider/protector"? That may be the source of the larger issue here.

Basic, has your wife had any genetic testing to evaluate whether she carries risk for Early Onset Dementia?

Play money is a factor but I would also like to build more weath options for us. I would love to have some real estate options for the future in the form of rental properties. Rentals do very well in our area.

I did marry my wife knowing this i just figured we had more time. Say we were 50 and we had 20 years to get our lives together this would be vastly different. What we are doing is not 100% smart froma finance point of view.

For those that asked my MIL is 70, yes she had a child late in life. She was a cleaning lady so not exactly a position that left much for savings. My wife's father passed around six years ago, her MIL was showing signs prior I have been together with my wife for about 10 years, we have been married for since we graduated from university. She suffers from early onset dementia, exact type is unknown. In the stage she is in as her doctors have said knowing the details is not worth the effort. She has to be put under for MRI's and that is just not worth.

I pay for the aid and support solely out of my income. My wife's income from her business is not consistent and I rather that money goes back into her business to growth and potential upscale it in the future.

As mentioned I agreed to this which is part of the reason why I hate the way I do. I made a promise and commitment to my wife knowing her plans and now I simply sound like a man child crying because things are not going the way I wanted. I wanted to.enjoy this time more, enjoy the finer things so to speak. I cannot without being financially irresponsible.

I guess overall I feel like a dad even though I do not have children. I did not think it would feel like this. On the weekends when I am home I do help with my MIL since adult day service is closed. To give my wife a break so she can sleep in or just be for a time. So I take her out, help her with her garden things of that nature. I regret none of this.

Also yes the doctors share the same cultural values as my wife. The elderly are held in high regard it is the role of the off spring to care for the parents end of story.

I see where you are coming from regarding the college fund. Yeah like you mentioned I know I do not need those things, ans much of it is probably also me trying to keep up with my colleagues. I have fought the urge because I hate debt needless credit card debt with a passion.

Yeah you get where I am coming from. I do wish my wife would look into LTC cause we cannot sustain this forever. No matter how well my income is it will not be enough to cover all the costs in the future. If her business takes off then maybe we can but that putting a lot of responsibility on her business in the future. The costs of care do sky rocket and care needs go up.

I am frustrated that her care team is solely looking at from what they would do. They can afford it, if you see what my insurance pays them it is crazy. Yes my job / plan does allow my MIL to be on my insurance.

I know I am being childish I see people with brand new things, talking about trips they get to take. All sound wonderful I just know my wife would not feel comfortable about leaving her mom alone with aids, and I doubt putting a women with dementia in a plane is the smartest idea especially with no support from aids.

Yeah this widely me complaining how my life is not what I thought it would be. 30 is coming closer and I expected so much more of myself by now. Thanks for the wake up call.

We'll pray for you Desert Gal. Your situation sounds dreadful. You should start your own thread and you'll get responses. This is another person's thread about a different subject. God loves you Desert Gal. Don't give up hope!

You are not being inappropriate. I am on disability myself for lupus and the devastating effects it has had on my body. Four procedures on my kidneys, three in the past two months. I care for my ex who has Lewy Body. My savings are gone. Not sure how I can now pay my bills. Our two kids and I have been covering everything. He has a pending disability case he will win based on his terminal illness and now refuses to repay what he knew are loans. He has more moments of cognition than not but his behaviors are rude, expectant, entitled, and mean. I can barely take care of myself after the household chores which he won’t help with. If it’s a broken down car or appliance that our adult kids need for work, it’s no problem. But I am suddenly forbidden to drive the family car because his name is on the title but my name is also on the insurance and I pay half of it, my daughter paying the other half. This is making me crazy and depressed.

I wish I could wave a magic wand but nothing will change for the better now, I hate the disease and how it has devastated more than just his life. I am so physically sick I honestly don’t think I have more than a year. I will pray for you. I know your pain and frustration

One more time folks. With all due respect. I read the answers posted and I don't know what you're reading. This man is not caregiving. His wife may help some but she runs her own business. Put 2+2 together and this is why they pay $5K for help to look out for her mom. They live comfortably and still have enough money to save a considerable amount. He is only complaining about not having extra money to play with after all he saves. See my reply to him about money.

Here are a few comments he added in the thread:

1. "I married my wife knowing this was going to happen this is how she was raised." 
(He agreed to this at the outset. He doesn't deny that. He married her knowing this plan.)

2. "I have nothing but nice things to say about her both post and pre diagnosis."
"I also do enjoy the time we spend together. She has great stories and generally is fun to be around." (Speaking of his mother-in-law.)

3. "I do respect your opinion but I do have to disagree with the notion my MIL does not love her daughter my wife. The love they have is 100% real and my wife does not have this position out of guilt or obligation she does it solely out of love for her mother."

No. It's not the majority of his income going to his mother-in-law's care. It can't be even 10% of his income, nor could it be 5% in my estimation. He's in his 20's and very blessed financially. He's maxing out contributions to his retirement fund, he's saving for a college fund for children they haven't decided whether they will have or not. He has no problem with the mother in law living in his home. They pay caregivers. Wife works and contributes to that $5K. How much, he didn't say. He's not complaining they have no time or money to do anything they like. He just wants money for what my wife calls "boy-toys".

With all due respect to everyone, it might take a man who's like him to understand what he wrote and that's why I got it.

I definitely understand your frustration about your working so hard to live a comfortable life but the majority of your income is going toward your MIL’s care instead. You should not be the one to carry this heavy financial burden. If your MIL has no income or if she has limited income, she should apply for Medicaid which will go a long way in helping to ease your income frustration.

Good luck in finding a solution to this problem. In the meanwhile, you should try your best to not allow the stress to consume your life as this can lead to your early demise. My daughter just recently attended a funeral of a co-worker for a major corporate firm who died suddenly from a heart attack. He used to work just as hard as you are doing right now. He was just 45 years old.

Hi there. I read your reply regarding money. I don't think most people answering understand what you were venting about. They see it through the lens of complaints more common to this forum.

I understand because I'm a lot like you. Both a saver and a man who likes his toys and money to play with. I have my eye on a car right now knowing it's the last thing I "need." Yeah, it's childish. I see that and you see it too. I won't get the car. It's not good use of our money when both wife and I have cars less than a year old. God's been good to us and I need to be a good steward. So I've learned to be happy with wishful thinking when it comes to certain things. That can sustain you. You have to get your priorities straight and decide.

You're living comfortably, wanting for nothing, your wife is happy, you enjoy her mother. don't have a problem with her living in your home, your wife contributes income, but you can't stop feeling cheated without extra cash for you to play with.
My advice-
1. Suck it up and learn to be happy with dreaming about expensive non-essentials as I have.
2. Or else diversify your savings and create a fund for the extra money you want for yourself in order to feel happy. If this necessitates cutting back contributions to current savings, the college fund for example, then do it.

You have to know the college fund is extreme when you have no children and no sure plan for children. Leave what you saved there but don't add more. For now.
Storing up for a future that's not guaranteed often doesn't work out well anyway.

Have you ever read of the man in the bible who built new barns to hold his abundance? When you're wanting for nothing, blessing others out of your abundance is what's noble and yields fruit for the future. The concept is sewing and reaping.

You are spending 60k a year of potentially investible income to take care of this burden you didn’t commit to that’s young and in your house for life.

Hi Basic - you're a very kind person with all you are doing, so you should completely dismiss any negative thoughts that you have about yourself. My gosh - you're doing a lot for your wife and MIL. It's only natural - and human nature - to think about all the ways you'd enjoy your time and extra money.

But, since you said that your MIL has no money, shouldn't she be placed on medicaid so the care giving expenses at home would be taken care of? I thought medicaid covers that, doesn't it?

And, your wife works from home, but it's still a 5K expense to care for the MIL?

I can't help but wonder if your wife loves you as much as she loves her mother. You talk about how much they love each other. Do you feel she loves you that much?
I may be wrong, but it certainly doesn't sound like she does, as you and your concerns should come WAY before her mothers.
And because it sounds like your MIL has early unset Alzheimer's, I hope you realize that that can go on for 20+ years. A gentleman in my caregivers support group is in year 21 of caring for his wife with early onset Alzheimer's. She of course is in memory care and has been for the last 7 years.
Are you willing to give up your life for that long? Just curious.

Then I guess you better learn to suck it up buttercup, because this is your life until your MIL is no more.

Have you considered talking to a therapist about this whole tangled situation?

I believe MIL has Alzheimer's, it's mentioned in his profile.

At large it is about the money yes which is why I feel like sh*t sorry for my language.

I bare no resentment towards the time they spend together. I also do enjoy the time we spend together. She has great stories and generally is fun to be around.

My wife runs an online bakery from our house. Profits are not amazing or anything but she is happy. She left teaching because it was ruining her metal kids are a special kind of mean.

I am kind of neurotic when it comes to things like saving. I do not have it in me to not have a college fund started for our kids since we are not certain. If we 100% agreed to not have kids sure. Since we are still unsure.

I grew up on the poorer scale, I had to work my way through school, was unable to go to the school of my dreams even though I got accepted because I could not afford it even with financial aid and loans. I was a decent student just not scholarship worthy.

I want to make sure that is not an issue for my kid if we choose to have kids. The college fund is big thing for me.

Good idea though, altering the way I see things would help a lot.

Somehow I have missed what "horrible disease" you are speaking of.
What is it and at what age did MIL get it? Thanks for this answer, and sorry if I missed it in your replies.

Basic, is there a cultural thing going on here? Like MIL, wife and doctors all come from a culture where the child is beholden to the parent no matter what the cost?

Does your wife have the same earning power that you have?

Is she planning on forgoing having children because she is caring for mom?

Who is going to take care of her?

These doctors who “loathe” the idea of placement - why? Were you actually there when they said that? Or was this reported to you by wife who also loathes the idea?

Anyone who loathes placement has clearly never been inside a care facility where there are kind, professional caregivers who go out of their way to keep the patients safe, happy and comfortable. And where patients have a social life, entertainment and interaction with many folks.

Sadly I feel that you’re in for a long haul here. I wish your wife cared as much about your marriage as she does for her mother. They appear to be codependent and enmeshed. This is really dysfunctional, and I wish you luck in coming to terms with the situation, if you can.

I understand what you are saying and largely I was raised with a similar mindset parents should not expect help from their kids.

On the other hand I have found that is not the same across the board. I married my wife knowing this was going to happen this is how she was raised. That said I was ignorant to the idea it would happen so soon.

I do respect your opinion but I do have to disagree with the notion my MIL does not love her daughter my wife. The love they have is 100% real and my wife does not have this position out of guilt or obligation she does it solely out of love for her mother.

You say the doctors and your wife do not believe in placement, but believe staying with family is the answer so she may have a good quality of life. Hmmm, what about yours (and your wife's) quality of life?

I have learned so much from this site, and one of the things I appreciate is, so often, the advice here is do not risk your own health and well being in order to try and take care of an elderly parent, especially if that care goes unappreciated.

I hope you get what you want here, this site is awesome. Good luck to you.

Your feelings in this do not make you a bad person. You’ve been far more supportive than many would be in these circumstances. Don’t apologize for your honest thoughts, they are valid. At the least a compromise is needed here, and marriage is all about compromise. No one should get their way all the time, no matter the situation. Talk honestly with your wife, tell her your mental health requires at least some changes. MIL needs a sitter or helper regularly to allow you and wife opportunity to go out and do fun things, even vacations. The huge amount being spent monthly on her care needs to be reevaluated to see where savings can happen to pay for this. Please know you’re far from scum and you matter too

In my experience being in your 20's you don't even know what discoveries for yourself you may make in the future, lots of money or not. You have a long, long way to go to get to years that may be far better than you could ever imagine. In my opinion, the 20's are not the best years, they are the worst. Quality of life begins, I believe, in the mid-40's where physical and mental strength, early wisdom and finances come together. Just stay healthy. No smoking ever, no drinking alcohol ever, eat good and engage in regular aerobic exercise. It's that simple. Then when you travel to the Alps you will be able to hike them with ease and enjoyment when others your age can barely walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath. I've been there, done that, seen that.

Never compare yourself to others. One of my classmates was old money wealthy, handsome, smart, clever and very popular. I could see how others wanted to be in his position. In the years since the tragedies that happened to him I would not accept for any amount of money. Plus he had all that goodness and hasn't even used it to get the most enjoyment out of life. He was thin and trim and athletic back then, now he's noticeably overweight, particularly in the face and abdomen.

As to your mother-in-law, anything you do should be from the heart and no more. I used to literally abhor the thought of my father going into assisted living. I went to the "ends of the earth" and gave up like decades to keep him happy. I was so afraid of assisted living but as soon as he did he got so much better in all respects and me and my brother can now live our lives enjoyably and yet treat my father even better than before. My brother is on a 2 month holiday now. When he returns it's my turn.