In the meantime, I cook, do laundry, take her to hair dresser and numerous doctors’ appointments. I am retired, my brothers still work. All of her constant bickering has caused me constant anxiety and I would like to run away. She is hateful to me but others love her. My brothers can’t stand to be with her.
If she is mentally competent, tell her you can no longer put up with her bickering. And tell her she should be moving to live with one of her perfect sons and have him take care of her. Perhaps the threat alone will make her rethink her attitude. If she doesn't, stop helping her with anything, let her struggle. Only help when/if she asks nicely. That will remind her each time all the things you do for her and that she should be grateful.
If she's mentally compromised, you might want to consider placing her in an assisted living facility, if she can afford it.
Another option if money is limited is to hire some part time help to deal with her and her paying for it of course. That will give you some much needed breaks from her and her needs.
It is heartbreaking for people who carry the load, are bad mouthed by the parent, and then get criticism from the rest of the family and friends. You may not want to criticise your mother publicly, but you should protect yourself if you can.
"So glad I found this site because you have just described my mother to a "t". No matter what I do, it's not enough. But, she will say that I don't have to fix lunch and then complain later because she didn't get lunch. Everything is always wrong: the bread is stale, is that ham still good, my coffee is too strong....I have to think every detail through so she won't complain and there is always something. The woman doesn't know how to say please or thank you. I am at my wit's end. She is very passive-aggressive. She favors my brother and it is no secret. The other brother, who is very good to her, gets no credit for all he does. I don't know how I am going to be able to do this for the long term. My home has an apartment for her and she fixes her own breakfast. I only see her a couple of times a day but every contact is stressful. I set up her medications and order, as needed, fix supper, and wash her clothes. I take her to doctors' appointments. My brothers come once a week for an hour and it is a nice, social visit. She has lost all her friends and only enjoys a couple of outside activities but not her grandchildren. She watches TV all day and is not interested in books or hobbies. Poor mobility, chronic pain, and poor vision. She has no money for senior living or a nursing home."
Addie, please come back to us and explain how it came about that your mother moved in with you. If we know how you got to where you are, it might be easier to see a way forward.
If that's what you want. Though if all you want is to let off steam and have a good honest grumble, that's fine too. Hugs to you.
She sounds lonely and bored. Or is there Adult Dsy Care nearby?
This will help you to be more effective and less anxious. Sometimes we tend to focus our attention on negative behavior and comments. She is who she is and nothing you do will change her.
If she says your brother is a good man, and, you know he is not, I would respond with, yes, my brother is a beautiful human being and we both love him very much. In time you will see she will come around. We must have patience when taking care of an elderly person.
It is all in the mindset...
You will be blessed in abundance for all the great things you are doing for your mum. She knows. Maybe she feels guilty that you are the only child who is taking care of her and not your brother and she does not know how to deal with it?
In time it will work itself out...
And, Assisted Living is not the answer. Some of our parents did not abandon us when we were children. So, WHY should we abandon them now. Remember, once a man twice a child...
I asked why your mother moved in with you. You replied that because of her mobility issues and weight loss she could no longer live alone.
How does her living 'not alone' have to mean 'with you', is the point.
Pretend you're a third golden boy. Or, let's pretend your mother didn't have any children, just hypothetically. What would have happened then?
The options for her not living alone but not living with you are whatever they were before she moved in with you. Why not revisit them?
Why not, indeed, revisit them along with your two brothers? In caring for your mother, there is a certain amount of work to be done, costs to be met, services to be delivered. All you're aiming for is fairer shares.