Mom’s entitled attitude does not inspire devotion. She has the self-awareness of a clump of dirt.
She is extremely self-centered and manipulative. She always wants everything her way and pitches a fit worse than a toddler if she doesn’t get it. Ergo, she is verbally abusive when her will is not carried out.
In short, being around her is mentally abusive, chaotic, and stressful. Through deceitfulness (or is it just pure evil?), she has managed to squeak by on cognitive tests for age-related memory issues/clarity of thought.
Around “guests” (anyone aside from family; be it home health care, pastor, whomever) she puts on an act and no one outside of our family can/will believe how she treats us when we attempt to articulate it. “Your Mom is so sweet!” We cannot possibly be discussing the same person. The woman should be up for an acting award. She is flat-out nasty.
“If you put me in a nursing home I’ll die and haunt you for the rest of your days.” Well at least we wouldn’t have to clean up after her.
I’m going to hell aren’t I? Oh wait, I’m pretty much there already.
That included me.
My mother lived, CONTENTEDLY, in a not perfect facility that accepted Medicaid (she was private pay--we didn't know if her money would last) for 4 1/2 years.
If she is verbally abusive (my mom was not), I would arrange to have her placed asap. You are not "condemning her to death". That is her delusion. You don't have to participate in it.
There are definitely people who think he is just the best thing since sliced bread. They also haven't been around him with any regularity for years and certainly not in the last 10. But definitely I'm noticing that he isn't able to keep up that façade and people outside of the family (home health, vendors/customer service techs) are starting to see his true nature because he can't seem to control himself.
We had someone (a home medical person interviewing FIL) at the house the other day and he was flat out lying about something and all I did was make a face (I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and even if I don't say something my facial expressions do lol). The person caught my expression and asked if I had a comment and my FIL almost IMMEDIATELY raised his voice and started yelling "SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT I DO ALL DAY!" Typically this would have riled me up but I won't get into an argument with him in front of people, so I just smiled and said "No, you are right I don't live here and I don't know what you do all day" Totally threw him off of his game and he spluttered, blustered and he started backpedaling and trying to cover up the fact that he lost his temper and flew off the handle. But he never really re-centered and he kept getting really frustrated with the home health person who couldn't do for him what he wanted them to do.
This is happening more and more often with him, he can't keep up the happy face in front of people. He quickly behaves in front of them the way he always behaves with us.
No, you aren't going to hell. You are entitled to your feelings. You find yourself in a very unfortunate position. And until you are able to get out of it, you are going to be unhappy. We are in the same position, and unfortunately our hands are tied until BIL and SIL are able to move out of FIL's home. Once they can make plans to move out we can address moving FIL to a nursing home. He is 1000% against it and says it will never happen. And he's right until they move out. But if and when they do, he's wrong, he won't have another choice.
But I will also say this....those people that think he is the perfect father, who thought he was the perfect husband and oh so sweet.....yeah...they are the reason we aren't having a funeral. He's been like this for years in secret. And just because people outside of the family couldn't see it, it doesn't mean that the family are excited to stand in a receiving line and listen to people celebrate the man that abused them their entire lives.
So I feel you, and I hear you!! Hugs!!!
Begin looking for Assisted Living or Memory Care, the one that will fit her needs.
Begin the process of making her a resident.
She will then have people 24/7/365 that will help care for her.
I hate to break it to your mom but she will die. Not because she is in a "nursing home" but because that is the natural order of things.
I think by the New Year you could be leading a totally different life.
Did you ever seriously consider NOT doing that?
My reply would be “You already haunt me now!”. But I’m snarky like that.
This is like a kid who threatens to run away if you make them eat their veggies. Pay it no mind. If possible, maybe introduce a mild antidepressant to take the edge off.
Some of these parents could win an Oscar, they’re so good at acting! The “sweet old lady” act even fools doctors.
So...what do you want to do about your situation? I'm assuming you'd like to improve it, at least at your end. Are you her PoA?
Do you live together? If so, and you're in her house the answer is to move out. If you're not her PoA then call APS if you're concerned about her welfare and then allow the county to acquire guardianship of her. She'll get care and you won't have to care.
If she's in your house, the answer is to move her out. You can evict her if necessary. She can go to a senior community that has a continuum of care and she can start at IL (so she's technically not in a NH). As her needs increase she can be moved up to the next level.
What does it matter if other people don't see her clearly sick behavior? Do you want to stay engaged with her or not? Make a decision.
A cynical strategy is to secretly video her tantrums and abuse. Then show her you have proof and tell her that you may have to show it to her Pastor or doctor or others if she doesn't start treating you better.