Found in some posts two years ago, that for us, who did caretaking process for years, putting Mom or Dad in NH does not relieve any stress. "Still there was no peace, constantly running, checking the phone for messages and jumping out of my skin when the phone did ring. ..." How to deal with that? I think for me was much easier when mom was at home and although I realize that in her now conditions (dementia, dysphagia, feeding tube) I cant take care of her at home, my stress is even worse. Hard to see here life miserable and can't make any decision to stop it. She has DNR, but nobody is telling me she is dying, it's just hard to see her in such conditions...unable to eat, not much walking (she was very active home, but after intubation and all that medical intervention, aspiration pneumonia), she's weak and not much understanding of whats happening, although knows me and kids....Days, month, years, who knows, my heart is just breaking apart. Tell your experiences, how you deal with that?
I hope you have a nice 4th of July :)
Somewhere along the line, we have to realize we can’t do everybody’s everything. We have to let go. It’s darned difficult. But you get to the point where you do.
she fell one night and I got called at 3am or so. and she gashed her arm - got staples. it was gross tho. and she kept picking up her arm "im getting blood on my jammies"
uhh you got a big gash in your arm, put your arm down...
any way I do get uptight when I hear the phone ring at night. say after dinner hours...
and I try not to stay up too late at night, I fear I may get another call.
mostly tho. I do have peace about mom. its the other responsibilities that stress me out. for her, like: bill paying, taxes, bank accounts, dr appts, keeping tabs on RX's, buying personal items, also buying birthday cards for everyone on her behalf. ETC ETC.
ps I do worry about her dementia decline. I get scared for the future. oops rambling again.
Katie, I admire those like you who had the strength and courage to care for someone at home up to their final breath, when that was still part of my plan looking forward to her final days filled my with anxiety. I'm still anxious about losing her but I'm relieved to be sharing that burden with people who have been there many times before and knowing it is not all up to me alone.
Situation: 84yo mother still lives at home, has Alz, sister and I visit her 4x a week, take her to eat/shop. She has germ phobias and dietary issues that make care by others more trouble than it's worth. A support group sister and I go to is telling us we need to get her into a place. We're wrestling with which level of care. Home aide? She won't let anyone in the house. Extremely security conscious. Memory care? How do you take a person who has lived in her house for 45 years almost as a shut-in except for an enabling sister who did EVERYTHING for Mom (another issue...) to a place where she knows no one and no thing? I woke up realizing if we placed her somewhere, we would be trading one set of problems for another - and paying dearly for it from her estate. It's her money - not ours and we are well aware of that - but what's left of her happiness would NOT improve by being elsewhere. We are convinced she would die of depression within a few months.
We'll still have bills to pay, visits to do, excursions to take, laundry to do, greeting cards to buy (guess my mother is not the only one with a "thing" for birthday cards!), phones that ring.
Without writing a book here, Mom is better where she is until the disease progresses to a point she is no longer aware of who we are. Safer, happier (though still miserable). Sister and I will have no peace until she is gone, unless and until we resign ourselves to this. I just emailed sister this morning that our best hope is for mom to succumb to something quick - heart attack or stroke. Do I feel like a dirtbag for thinking that? Yes, but it's the truth. Part of peace is accepting uncomfortable truths.
So I think for now sister and I have no choice but to take no action, and that is a conscious choice. Leave mom where she is until the next phase of this disease.
I wish us both moments of peace. We will not have continued peace until she is at rest. Until then, we just have to live with this horrid reality because running away isn't a good option. If it were, I'd be in Switzerland by now.
Good luck to you. To all of us.
Then the day came when I knew in my heart she needed to be moved to memory care. She started showing up for dinner without her pants on and the other ladies in AL were making fun of her and bullying her like a pack of wolves.
Now that she is in a small memory care unit, has friends that better understand her and has the one-on-one care she needs my constant worry is gone.
I think the anxiety stems from not knowing if they have the care they need and if you are making the right decisions for them. You can only do the best you can and find peace in your heart.
When my mom was in respite care for 5 days at the end of April, it was supposed to be relaxing for me (I was babysitting my 2-year-old granddaughter). It was anything but relaxing -- not because o my granddaughter, but because of Mom. I heard things from my brothers and sister as to what was going on at the nursing home. I would call to make sure the staff were doing what the they were supposed to be doing (they weren't). On my way home on day 4, I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying. Recently, the hospice nurse suggested doing another 5-day respite to help me out. I said, No thank you.
Right now, I am sitting in Mom's room (by myself) while she sleeps in her hospital bed, thinking that the end is not too far away for us... As upset as that makes me, I have to keep telling myself that she is not the person she used to be...
Peace to you.
I still have no peace as I find myself constantly driving over there to deliver all the little things she wants, I am paying bills, faxing in bills to the insurance company, managing complicated finances that I am not used to. I never had that kind of money. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking of annuities.
By the way mom was in a rehab nursing home prior to this when she was still living far away and she fell and broke her ankle. She told me they put restraints on her, but I don't know whether to believe her or not as she was quite out of it at the time from post-anethesia dementia.
I have got her in a decent place now, but there are still worries. Just because you put them in AL doesn't mean all the responsibilities are taken care of. I also am tied to my phone in case they call.
I called my mother every day (sometimes more than once a day) for 5 years.
Rounded up that was 1,900 phone calls and the phone calls were never easy because my late mother spoke over me every time.
She lived in another state.
We tried to get her a different living situation than living alone.
None of them worked.
I had to leave my state and move to her state in with her.
The end of her life when she suffered a stroke at 94 years of age.
There are 168 hours in a week - assuming 7 hours a night = 49 hours then there is 119 hours you are available which is over 70% of time - make a plan with the facility she is in about when to call between 11:00 pm & 7:00 am in order to cover emergencies & even have a separate ring tone for them -
Then get some well deserved rest once you have your ducks in order because when you do this then you will get some peace of mind knowing that you have done as much as humanly possible - nobody can do more & stop feeling that you should because that is counter productive & could lead your own health issues - good luck
If this continues to be an issue, please see a therapist and get on some anti-anxiety meds to help calm you down while you and the therapist talk things out about what is going on the inside.
There is a very good book to read about this subject. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
by Susan Forward
With dementia, the brain is broken and their thoughts are not logical. A memory care will help you out in that they are well trained on how to deal with broken brains and get them to do what needs to be done. They are your eyes and ears 24/7, and they allow you to enjoy your visits with her instead of worrying constantly.
Here's how I dealt with the facility stress: We - mom, workers, me - are all part of the same community, and they are simply assisting you in caring for mom. Of course you would pay friends for their time that they spent taking care of her, and the workers are simply friends you have not made yet. It will be ok with a great attitude from you and the right meds from the doc! Having a therapist help you will be great too. Finally, the book, Being Mortal from Atul Gawande is great for all these end of life issues.