Sibling Power of Attorney Reversal.

The only way you have your sibs POA reversed is to PROVE negligence on her part to your parents. If you suspect she is neglecting one or both of them, call DFS and they will go to the house and investigage to make sure that the elders are being care for correctly. If she has taken care of them all of these years, she probably does have a DPOA or POA. It's VERY, VERY hard taking care of ONe elder, let alone two by yourself. If she hasn't been getting any offers of help, she may resent you other siblings just "stopping by" without calling first. It's the TOUGHEST job there is and I was on a schedule with mom...ANY interfernece would ruin the schedule and an argument would ensue to get her back on track. It messed up the whole day. IDK..that's just my experience. I know I resented my siblings for never, ever offering to help or never, ever bringing by even a meal so that I wouldn't have to cook three times a day. It never happened.They never even called to ask how mom was or stopped by to see her and they both live 15 min. from me. If a stranger showed up at the door, selling something or asking directions, mom always thought it was someone for HER....HER company and would fight me to try to talk to the stranger at the door. Arguments..that shouldn't have had to happen, did because of the person at the door. Mom would argue about it for hours....and I could NOT persuade her that the man at the door was NOT there to see HER...the narcissitic personality again. Are you willing to take over 24/7 to care for both parents, quit your job and lose your life as you now know it? THAT is what happens. And, it's a "thankless job" at that.

I agree with teachergear, I take care of my mom 95% of the time. I have one Sibling out of 5 who does very little. When my mother made me POA it was because I was the only one helping out. I don't know how much you have helped REN, but it's a thanklessness very hard job. If you become POA, you'll have to do all of the banking, shopping, doctors and pay all bills. I hope you have plenty of time because you'll need it. Also you have to keep a record of every purchace and bill you pay down to the penny.

I'm not sure why you would be worried about your parents if Hospice has been in. I doubt very much that Hospice would sustain someone in a neglectful environment. Is it because of Hospice that you are suddenly interested in controlling how your sister cares for them? Why do any of you need access to the house? Why do your parents have to allow their children to move in with them when they can barely take care of themselves? I'm sorry, but this just sounds like a bunch of sour grapes to me. I took care of my mom and dad together for the last few weeks of my dad's life and now my mother. My siblings have the same attitude that you do. Try saying thank you and what can I do to help rather than thinking about suing your sister.

Visiting the home is one thing....not sure what you mean by "access."

There are too many people who sit back and complain about how caretaking should be handled. It's like being a Monday morning quarterback. Walk a mile in a caretakers shoes and learn some lessons.

Thank you ALL for the feedback. This is the main issue... YES, first and for most, my dad is our MAIN concern. We lost our mother about 14 years ago and we only had about a week to prepare for her burial. (I guess we were all in denial) When we come to visit dad, he just lays there in bed and stares at us and we feel this is our opportunity to embrace his final days. My siblings want to be more proactive and involved during this time. We have "mentally" prepared ourselves and know what to expect down the road for dad, (unlike our Mom) but we want to give back and allow him to hear our voices, sing songs of Prayer and have him see and hear our laughter. (WHY WOULDN'T ANYONE WANT THIS FOR THEIR DYING PAERNT)??? Both my parents were very spiritual with religion, faith and considered their home "a house of God & Love". My Elder sister resist upon their wishes and continues to control the environment. We try to plan family meetings and dinners but seldom open to the idea. This is NOT a situation of "sour grapes" - but one of anger, disappointment and frustration toward a Sibling who should be uniting and NOT dividing this family. Take note -- this is the same sibling who was a teenage runaway, drug attic, constantly argued with my late mother and has MANY anger issues. How would you feel if all the family you had left was managed with this type of mentality??? Several siblings (including myself) don't agree with how this household is being managed, and I feel it is MY DUTY (to my Parents) to stop her in her tracks and bring this family together. THIS IS WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED!!!
I work full-time and have my own place, but this controlling CRAP and manipulation needs to STOP. It's against the law to deny visitation to a parent - especially if it's "personal" between siblings.
@ Careful; When I say "access" -- my other sister wants involvement with 24/7 visitation to help feed dad, groom him and talk to him. (basically move in) EVERY other Sibling wants this too, because we know she's coming from a place of love and NOT anger. My Dad DESERVES THIS, contrary to other people's opinions.

It's as I said before....there is NO way you can reverse her DPOA unless you prove she has been negligent to your dad. Hospice would have reported her if she had been. She is in control with the DPOA..sorry. Just pray for your dad.

When my dad died, he had his arrangements already made...cremation. I had never been to a "cremation" and only normal funerals. I didn't even know that I could have "visited" him in the funeral home before he was cremated. My SISTER knew and SHE WENT with my step sister but they NEVER told my brother nor I. How's that for hateful sibling?

Thanks again teachergear1 - one of my brothers is currently looking into POA records so we ALL know where we stand. We've asked for these records from her and she claims she can't find it??? (maybe they don't even exist) My (our) motives are strictly for uniting this family. My sister already hinted that after my dad's passing she will be going into seclusion to grieve. (WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US)??? This house is where we all grew up and we all have fond memories of our parents. She has brought SO MUCH UGLY to our family and it stems from her past and feels the need to take it out on us. Funny thing though - she somehow managed to buy a new truck and paid cash??? I personally will look into my dad's spending financial records. We know for fact that his money will be split equally between his 5 sons and 3 daughters -- that's if there's anything left! To me that's not even what's important. She needs to honor our parents and do the right thing. I understand it's a burden being a Caregiver, but she offered from the beginning and now turns help away. This was all premeditated for manipulation and gain. My mother is probably turning over in her grave knowing what she's done/doing to her family. Carma comes into play eventually and someday she's going to need her family and most of us will not be there. At this point and time I don't even want to come visit dad because of her animosity and controlling BULLSHIT! She's the one with hate and has ordered siblings never to step foot in "her house" again, so I do understand a hateful sibling teachergear1.

RenT28- I'm sorry- I can't help reading between the lines and I feel there's more to this story than you're telling us. This is what I'm reading:

Your sister is the sole caregiver for your father, and has been for "several years" (exactly how long?). Have you all been offering to help all along, or just recently? I don't hear about any attempt at involvement by you and your other siblings until recently, perhaps spurred by a) your sister obtaining POA, and/or b) hearing that hospice has become involved. Spurred by the POA, because you think she's done this so she can manipulate and control your father's life and finances and take advantage of him in his weakened state, maybe even use up all his money before he dies and there won't be any left for you all to inherit. In my experience as my mom's full-time caregiver for six years now, I HAD to get POA for my mom so I could TAKE CARE OF, NOT take advantage of, her finances (a job I had already been doing, which she had requested of me, but was dreadful to me and I and felt woefully ill equipped for because I felt I was terrible at all things financial. I would have gladly put my brother in control of this aspect of mom's life, but neither my mom -in her lucid days-nor I felt we could trust him to have the job because they had not had a good relationship and because of his interest in the money). Without POA, every call I made to her bank, creditors, mortgage company, etc., was met by, "I need to speak with your mother and get her permission to talk with you", which got us nowhere because mom inevitably would not understand what they were asking and would hang up on them. When her house was in foreclosure, I finally had to make my financial role official so I could do all the multitudes of calls and letters to the bank, mortgage company, etc. that I needed to do to go through the process of mortgage modification and save the house for her. Having POA just makes this part of caregiving a little bit easier, it does not empower me to take advantage of her.

Your interest in being involved has also maybe been spurred by knowing hospice has become involved, because that means his time is short, since, as far as I know, hospice does not begin until there is medical certainty that a person has 6 months or less to live, as determined by the doctors that are caring for the person. It's easier to rally at the end, when the time is short, than to "sacrifice a lot over the years" day in and day out, (and night in and night out) when you don't know how long this is going to go on, when you have to grieve every day as you see this person you love dearly die one little bit after another, every day, and you see them little by little lose all knowledge of who you are, and you end up a stranger to them no matter how much you love them and try to keep them "with you", and you see them become more and more upset and confused and agitated and desperately trying to figure out where they are and what's going on, and how to get home (to their childhood home, so no matter where they are, they are not happy). You seem to casually gloss over the "lot of sacrifices" your sister has made. Do you know anything about what she has actually given up? (financially, emotionally, socially, career-wise, physical and mental health-wise - and, yes, all these areas suffer tremendously in a caregiver's life). Do you know if your father has kept her up all night, night after night, because of something called "sundowning", but is not able to nap during the day because he can't be left unattended? Do you know if she has had to frantically search all over town and call the police to help her find him because he decided to "walk home" when she wasn't looking, and has had to be hypervigilant and install special locks and safety devices all over the house to keep him from getting lost or hurting himself? Do you know if she has had to change his diapers for him, or clean up after him when he thinks the closet is the bathroom? Do you know how much income and career advancement she has given up over these years, or if she will be able to find employment after your father passes away that is anywhere near the level she had before she became your father's caregiver? Have any of you given up anything to help her, financially or practically, or as emotional support, or to help your father during the "several years", or have you just now decided to be "more proactive and involved" during this short time that will only go on for a few months?

About your father "just laying there and staring at you"- you may be blaming your sister, that this is the result of neglect, but that's not it, it's the result of Alzheimers. This is what Alzheimer's is often like when it's close to the end. Did you ask your sister if he's like this all the time now? He may not actually be seeing you, or he may be seeing you and wondering who you are, especially if you haven't been around much for a long time.

If I were your sister, and my reading between the lines is accurate, I would fight your sudden interest in involvement tooth-and-nail, because at this point it would just seem terribly intrusive, and I wouldn't trust your true motivation, I would feel it was tremendously hypocritical to angelically swoop in at the last moment to offer your help, no matter how intensive it would be, when you had years of opportunity to do so and did nothing. I would also fear it would only be a cover for wanting to be able to snoop on and judge how I was doing an almost impossible job that you had not been helping me with, which, if he is your father too, you should have been doing all along during these "several years", and not just now when the time is short. Maybe I would be open to your newfound interest in helping if I there was first a profound, heartfelt and sincere expression of apology for being uninvolved until now, and that you want to make it up to me by stepping up to the plate and doing what you should have been doing before, and if you asked ME, as the one who has become an expert in caring for our father and dealing with who he is with this illness, if you asked ME what kind of help he actually needs, and how to do it. But if I sensed any attitude of superiority or judging, no apology would be trusted, and no help would be welcome, even if I desperately needed it. And I would, like your sister, want to grieve in seclusion.

My brother came by one day and began criticising how I was doing this job, and I responded, "I don't think you have any right to judge how I'm doing if you have not lifted a finger to help out around here." Fortunately, he answered that I was right, and he'd been thinking I might say something like that. He apologized and committed to doing more, even brainstormed with me about what things he could do to help. And he has followed through, sometimes more than other times (he works overtime, and has a wife and two highschool aged boys who need his time and involvement). Sometimes he just stops by after work to visit for a while, other times he's here most of the day, fixing things around the house, sometimes they all come over and bring dinner, and big or small, it ALWAYS lifts my spirits, and it improves my mom's well-being. As a result, I am beginning, just beginning, to trust and be open to talking about financial issues with him.

My reading between the lines may be way off, and if it is I am sorry. Perhaps I am projecting my own experience on yours. But if I am even close to being right, please tread carefully with your sister. If you really want to unite the family, and you want that unity to include your sister, you may still have time to do the right thing and help her, and not just your father. By the way, I am speaking from both sides of the situation. My father died from heart failure 6 years ago, after suffering from Alzheimer's for about 7 years. I didn't do much to help my mom as she suffered with the burden of caregiving, because I had a job that was terribly demanding, and it grieves me to this day to know how much she had to go through all alone. That was a big part of my decision to step up and take care of her when he passed away and she began to show signs that she also had dementia. And it comforts me to know that when my mom passes away, my brother and I will not have a giant rift separating us that may be impossible to heal. So please, try to understand and have compassion for and reconcile with your sister and do what you can do to help her BEFORE your father passes away, and you will have a comfort and that family unity that will make the grieving more bearable.






Please clarify some things - I don't want to be guilty of judging without enough knowledge of the truth. How many years ago did your sister assume the caregiving for your father?

Kabeena - THANK YOU SO MUCH for your honesty, insite and open opinions about my family's situation. It's seems to me that most people rush to judgment and assume that anyone who questions morals, practices and circumstances usually have altereir motives. My sister has been "caring" for my father for about 14 years - immediately following my mother's passing. To answer your question, it's been about 3+years when Alzheimer's came into play. My dad was the bread winner of the family and because my mother handeled ALL the household affairs, he was completely LOST at the house.  My sister "assumed" my mother's roll and managed the household affairs.  (Keep in mind that she had no other place to live and was not working either) She offered to "take care" of dad, so most of us who had demanding full time jobs, lived out of state or out of the area were thrilled that dad was going to be ok. 

My younger brother with Bipolar was living at the house at the time and this later caused conflict between my two siblings - subsequently kicking him out of the house (as per my sister's orders) and rendering him homeless.  This is when the control and manipulation took it's course. 

Despite opinions of how things were managed, visits from family were frequent and bathing routins where every Tues & Thurs administered by my older brother and brother-in law.  Because my dad at times became violent (not undertstanding what was going on) he had to be restrained for baths and this took a tole on my family. My twin sister who lived out of state had been suffering with scleroderma and Raynaud’s phenomenon moved back to California because she needed to be in a warmer climate for heath reasons. She was willing to help dad at any capacity and temporarily move in until she got acclimated back home. This was exciting news for the family because it was a win win situation, but POA Sibling disagreed. This is when tensions started to arise and family dynamics spiraled. When POA Sibling needed personal help and had no other place to turn the home was always open, but this wasn't the case with my twin sister. If our dad could speak, he would say " this is your sister's home too." (despite the two vacant bedrooms in the house)! This is more a "personal" conflict between the two sisters unfortunately.    :(

There have been many attempts to help with dad, but my elder sister has been resistant to it all - thus pushing family away and building up much resentment. I feel that if ANY sibling intervened that she would be fearful of loosing control.  WHY I ASK??? Manipulation and gain! 

 Hospice got involved about 6 months ago, so this was a tremendous help for my sister. We had a scare about 4 months ago when Hospice "mis-diagnosed" my dad's condition and told us he fell into a Coma and had only a few weeks to live. Of course we all rushed to his aid. Not knowing what to expect, my twin and I decided share stories, brush his hair and fill the room with laughter. He miraculously opened his eyes and responded to our touch and tried to speak. We fed  him water & food instantly because apparently he was non-responsive for the last few days. My twin caressed his head and whispered in his ear "I love you dad"! He looked up to her with tears in his eyes and mumbled back to her "I love you too".  We both looked at each other and started crying. 

This is the environment I want to have my dad pass away in. We have POA sister who is rough, bitter and demonstrates no compassion with dad, where my twin sister can provide love, attention and compassion, yet gets pushed away. 

I just learned that POA sister had manipulated my dad into signing over EVERYTHING over to her after his passing just before his Alzheimer's kicked in. Im very angry with her because I saw this manipulation coming years ago and my dad got sucked up in it.  When our mother passed - she had a trust set up where all her money was divided between all 9 siblings. Not only did POA sister get free room and board managing the household over the years, but to me 3+ years of coping (and declining help) for dad's Alzheimer's doesn't constitute nor entitle her to his paid estate and 35 years of retirement and savings. Right is Right and there are 8 other siblings that are part of this family. POA sibling put herself in this situation and this whole fiasco was premeditated on her part. It's no wonder she declined help over the years because this would've jeopardized her motives. 

I haven't been in POA sister's shoes for the past 3+ years, but I can't nor WILL NOT accept they way things are currently managed. If I had the luxury of quitting my job and moving back home or could've taken personal leave from work , I know I would have handled things differently and have been more proactive & receptive to family involvement.  I would also NEVER shut my own family out and assume ownership of the family estate for capital gain. -- It's morally and ethically wrong! 

What you are asking is a legal question. Have you consulted a lawyer?

I agree that caregiving is a stressful never ending job. The caregiver becomes isolated, loses contact with friends and has no social life. They become depressed, their own health can fail from the stress and isolation and my heart goes out to every caregiver♥♥♥!!! It sounds to me that the sister with POA is on a power trip and greedy. She has refused help offered to her. It is plain mean, spiteful, and manipulative to refuse to let siblings visit their dying parent. Having personal issues with a sibling is one thing, but one must conduct oneself with integrity, dignity, and honor. I don't know what you can do other than contest the will or take her to court for custody of your father by proving she is not providing proper care. I suggest to seek the advise of an elder law attorney who specializes in all the complicated laws regarding the care of the elderly. Document everything, and if you can prove she had your father sign the POA while he was incompetent, then take her to court. Good luck and I only hope you get to see your father in his final days as that is most important of all.

She has no legal reason to provide with the POA. For whatever reason, your father wanted HER to have POA. Where were you when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago? Seems like you are still angry with your sister for whatever she did when she was a teenager. I suspect you are angry because she may not have the same religious beliefs as you. Quit causing problems & instead use the time your father has left to be with him in a loving way. You have NO idea what it takes to be a caregiver unless you have done the work yourself.

I'm not seeking any legal advice through this forum, but rather bios opinions and insight from people who have experienced or are experiencing aspects from both angles. Unfortunately I think this may end up with legal ties down the road. It's too bad that more families can't come together and agree with conditions and have peaceful resolutions. 
@ sharynmarie - I appreciate your thoughts and it's refreshing to know that the "non-caregivers" in these situations that seem to get a bad rap also have a voice and rights to their parents well being. 

@ lillygirl - she may not be at liberty to provide POA documentation from a legal standpoint, but that of an ethical and moral for her family left guessing. I've been here just like all my other siblings during this ordeal with my dad, but under my sibling's dysfunctional, controlling and manipulative manners.  I can't change her behavior as a teenager and only she can hold accountability for her actions. As far as religious beliefs, I really don't follow any one religion but carry my own faith influensed by my parents, but I know the difference between good/evil.

Ren~I want to say that my eldest brother walked away from not just my parents but from his siblings as well. Reasons are a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. Even though my brother has nothing to do with us, I would not stop him from see my mother when the time comes. Can you and your siblings in good faith go in to your father's home and visit him leaving your issues with your sister outside? If all of you can agree to do that and stick to it, then I would try talking with your sister calmly, without accusations of bad care or proof of DPOA. Tell her you only want to spend time with dad, tell her how important it is to all of you to be able to do this. If she agrees to that then follow through on your word no matter what you walk into.. Next, why are you just now asking for proof of the DPOA? What triggered your suspicions of her not taking good care of your father? Has your sister refused help from the rest of you (other than helping with bathing) all the years she has been caregiving for your father? Has she had home health care coming in to help her over the years? You do realize that taking care of someone at home to the very end is quite costly? Often they have to bring in a hospital bed, other equipment, round the clock care that can go through a parents assets rather quickly. I am not taking your sister's side I just want to point out that from a distance, it can look like a person is going through their parents money recklessly. I have seen this with my niece who became very angry with her uncle (father's brother) for the money being gone when her grandmother passed away. He also bought a new truck, he is on disability so I don't know if he bought the truck with his mother's money or not. He did have to place his mother in a nursing home which used up what money was left. So you need to make sure you understand how quickly a person can go throw their parents money in order to take care of them. If your sister has no income of her own, she is entitled to an expense account for her own needs such as clothing, getting a hair cut, and her own medical needs. She may be getting something through the state for herself. If you and your siblings have good reason to suspect neglect and abuse against your sister, seeking legal advise now is better than later. Do not wait until after the fact to do something about it. There eight of you and I don't know what your father has in his estate that would amount to a large inheritance split between eight people and I am not asking you to share that with me. I am only suggesting that you and your siblings in good faith, search your hearts as to what is your real issue with your sister (no accusations on my part only trying to help you sort out your emotions). I can tell you that when my mother passes, most likely all that will be left is her house. Split between 4 siblings isn't going to be a large sum of money but truly a heart felt inheritance from my parents and very appreciated. She does have a long term health care policy but it only covers to a certain amount and when that is used first, her other investments will take over. It is a fact that since people are living longer, the chance of them being able to leave an inheritance will be very difficult unless it is a very wealthy family. Your sister does have a right to be paid for your father's care through his estate. A stranger would have to be paid so it stands to reason to pay a family member. If your sister has taken care of your father with pure heart does not mean she should not be paid. As I said before, document everything but keep your issues outside of your father's house and I hope your sister will allow you all to see him. Be cordial to your sister no matter how hard it is because I know if it were me, I would want to see my parent first and foremost.

Ren, not to be nosey, but how much money are you talking about here? After 14 years of caretaking maybe your sis deserves this money. If it's a very large amount maybe not.

Wow! I'm sorry, but this is really nothing more than greed and sibling rivalry. I don't think you are being honest with yourself about your own motivations and then you assume to know your sisters. Your sister has cared for your parents for 14 YEARS! Sounds to me like you just want all of the so-called glory with very little effort. My siblings make all the claims that you do and it really is just about money and things. Whether you like it or not your sister was the one who did the lionshare of the work. With that many siblings you were never going to get much in inheritance anyway and I understand why that is important to you, but I think that siblings of caregivers let their imaginations run wild and before they know it they have judged and criticized their way into creating the exact situation they were afraid of in the first place. Caregivers are people with feelings and they don't have to put up with that kind of crap. Why should your other sister move in when she isn't healthy herself? Another person for the caregiver to take care of? Why don't you take care of your other sister? You seem to be pointing fingers at everyone else rather than looking at yourself and your choices? Be good to your sister. She's given up alot that you haven't had to and there are more important things in life than money.

Wow...a little harsh there "Careful". Let's try to be a little kinder, okay? Life is too short to be bitter and "lash out" at those who are looking for help here...don't you agree?

I have no clue how much money is involved, nor do I really care. (I doubt much)!  14 years of "caregiving" is on "OVER STATEMENT" given that fact that the first 11 years (when dad was well & able) they had more of a Roomate situation where they shared responsibilities & bills. 3+ years I do give credit to my sister for caring for dad - 2+ years of mild  Dementia and  about a year of full fledge Alzheimer's. 

@ Careful - you SHOULD apologize because obviously are WAY OFF BASE and don't get the full scope of my family's situation. You just accused me greed and you don't even know nor understand MY position.  I'm not seeking any "Glory" in this matter and "YES" if I had POA for my dad's estate I would gladly allow my sister move in until she got situated. (This is something my parents would have allowed if they had a voice)! We don't need any sibling caring for another, so where is that coming from???   Personally, I CAN GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS ABOUT THAT HOUSE, but when I see POA sibling destroying this family I HAVE A PROBLEM!!!  It seems to me that perhaps you are internalizing your own frustrations & guilt and shadowing on mine, so maybe YOU should consider on open forum and see where your own siblings stand and allow their voice to be heard??? 

Well said teachergear1 - THANK YOU!!! :)

It is true we do not know Ren's full situation and to make accusations because it is most often that money and greed is the problem is very harsh. Too many caregivers are in situations where siblings refuse to help could careless about their parents but they want their inheritance but I think this situation is different. I still think it is about power on the sister's part. Good luck to you Ren!!

I didn't say anything wrong other than telling the truth about what I am hearing directly from you. I think it is terrible to accuse your sister of tearing your family apart when she has been caretaking for your parents for years. You need to be supportive of your sister and stop finding fault in who she is as a person. I think you are looking for support here on this site to continue on with the berating of your sister. I thought this site was for Caretaker support not Caretaker attacks.

Talk about being harsh....look at your own words about your sister.

since the day my dad died which my family helped for five years my siblings havent spoken to my mom since we left the cementarymy husband and children help me with mother she stayed in her own home until last year she is now beridden at my home no calls christmas cards nothing from two siblings four grandchildren and four greatgrand children the little ones were told she was dead my siblings live two strrets over never cared if she had heat food nothing they go out in the community and pretend that they see her wwhen she dies they will be first in line for anything that is left although there probley wont be a thing i call poa pow prisoner of war i had two careers on hold two children to get through school one going blind they did stop one day told her they would be back the following week only never to come back why she looked for them for weeks she is bedriiden and is only living to see them one more time nothing another christmas not even a card my parents were married over fifty years i watch my dad grieve wanting to see them now mom i can take care of here but i cant give her them i have had three eight hour night sleep and one twelve hour in a year i dont get the pleasure of just visting at my convience i have to take care of here while i watch her die siblings excuse cant handle it i have to do medicines fincial keep up here home they even tell people they mow her yd i have to bath her give her medicine shots get her up with a lift she would be in alot worse shape in a nursing home ihave considered it it would be cheaper and i could have my life back you remind me of my sister in law you didnt want to give up your lives now after she has given up hers and its closier to the end where you dont have to do much you judge her it didnt bother you in the beginning you chose your life someone had to do something to help your parent and obiously it wasnt you now you want to play blame game come to my house walk one week in my shoes you would run like a scared rabbit honor thy father and thy mother you didnt you threw all the responsibility off on her so you could have your life why do you deserve anything she has done all the work your talking more of the estate than loving your parent if you truly did you would have been there day one instead of saying she volenteered she got herself in this the answer i hear alot is most of the time there is just one i didnt volenteer for this i had no choice and it is doing whats right i can look myself in the mirror and know i did all i could you are just trying to end your own guilty feelings you should thank your sister for taken good care of your parent no amount of money can buy ones soul

I liken these situations, and mine to the story of "The Little Red Hen".
No one wants to help make the bread, but they come flocking when it's time to eat the bread. My brother hasn't seen our mom for about 9-10 years.
Ren- not pointing any fingers at you as I don't know your situation. But speaking to all the tired, weary, depressed, stressed caregivers that have given up careers their privacy and social life and have sacrificed for the love of their parents.

Many of the comments posted here do what I did a few months ago when I first read RenT28's post. I read between the lines from my perspective as a caregiver who had not received much help from my sibling, who was more than willing to criticize the job I was doing. I wrote a scathing response to Ren, and was embarrassed and so, so sorry for adding to his pain when I read his reply in which he filled in details that that completely changed my understanding of his situation. If anyone wants to read his reply, type "Kabeeena - thank you so much" in the search box for this website, and then scroll down to the post that begins with that sentence. It is a real eye-opening lesson on not jumping to conclusions! In the interest of honesty, you can read my now embarrassing post just before his post.

Hello Everyone! I have a situation that I am going thru and I will share it with you because I need some good advice! I have a younger sibling from another marriage by my father who is giving me a hard time concerning my Dad and she has become his POA only because she lives in Oklahoma where he does and I live in South Carolina. He suffers from Dementia! She is my half-sister and my sister and I are his eldest children and she has no regard for his feelings toward my sister and I of letting us know anything concerning him. She contacted me only to tell me that she was going to have to put Daddy in a nursing home because she could not care for him. He wasn't even living with her. He was living in a Assisted Living for Senior's and Veteran's and was very happy living there and had been there for 11 years. She and her husband made him move with them to Washington State. She new at that time he was in the beginning stages of Dementia and didn't tell me! My Dad called me to give me the address of where they were moving him because she did not want me to know. He called me after they moved him in this apartment that was over a garage. He did not like it there in Washington State or the apartment. I could tell something was wrong with him, he then said to me that he had not seen Patti for 3 weeks and that he had no food to eat or nothing to drink except water. I tried to call her and she wouldn't answer her phone. So I contacted the Police Dept. and explained to them what was going on and they sent a Police Officer to the apartment and she had moved him again. The Officer went to the house where the apartment was and my niece lived in the house and the Police Officer asked her where had her mother taken her Grandfather. She told the Officer that she needed to call her mother first but the Police Officer would not let her, he saw what she was up too. He told her he wanted to know where her Grandfather was and where her mother had moved him. She then gave the Officer the address and he kept me on the phone with him so that I could hear the whole conversation. He then said to me that he was on his way to the address that my niece had given him and that he would call me when he got there. He called me and had me on the phone before he approached Patti so that I could hear the conversation with her. The Officer asked her where my Dad was and he called his name and I heard my Dad say to the Officer I'm here, did my daughter Loretta send you and the Officer said Yes, she is worried about you and my Dad said That's My Girl, she will find me! The Officer let Patti know that she was wrong for trying to keep Daddy from me and that she needed to give me her new cell number. Oh she did and later had it changed. My Dad suffers from Dementia and she new it when she moved him but didn't tell me. While he was living there during the times she didn't see him for weeks at a time, a neighbor went over to check on him and found him eating raw rotten meat because he had nothing to eat. He tried to keep me posted each time where she was moving him so that I would know where he was living. When she found out that I knew, she would move him again. She moved him back to Oklahoma and it got worse, I had to call the Police Dept. and get DHS involved. He was put in the hospital in Oklahoma and he was there for a month and Patti took his cell phone from him so that he could not call me to let me know where he was and that's when I got DHS involved. This is when she became my Dad's POA and I had to get permission from her to be able to talk to my him after everything she had done to him. He has been residing in the Claremore VA Nursing Center in Oklahoma for the past 3 years and his Dementia in the last month is really bad, but I still call and talk to him and tell him that I Love him. For the last week I have been unable to talk to him because he is in the hospital again and Patti will not call me to let me know where he is and she has changed her cell number again. My hands are tied and I don't know who to call to help me. Because of the HE PA Law the nursing home is not allowed to give out any information to the other siblings unless you have permission from the POA! I think this HE PA Law is wrong and its People like my Half-Sister that takes this law to the extremes just because she is his POA. I don't have the kind of money it takes to fight this or fly out to Oklahoma. I am 61 years young and I am Retired from the Board of Education with 31 years of service! My parents divorced when I was 7 years old and my Mother never put my Dad down to my sister and I. I Love My Daddy and all I wanted to do is stay in touch with him and try to go see him before he passed away. What about my right! Its like I am being punished by my own Step Sister for loving my Dad and making sure he is alright. It is not fair that we are pushed aside. She didn't even go visit him in the nursing home or call him, she's some kind POA.