Tough Love.
I am new here and don't know how this forum thing works. I am in genuine need of some USEFUL advice without judgement or horror stories. I am just now entering this phase where I am becoming my parents' keeper. I already have a hopelessly tangled situation that I don't know how to deal with...
I live in GA, 8 hours away from where my parents live in LA. I am MUCH closer than either my older sister (CA) or my younger brother (CO), though. My husband, my brother, his wife, and myself all have full time careers, children in college, and major financial obligations. Both my parents are loosing their memories and may have early Alzheimer's &/or dementia (testing and treatment is being arranged). My brother is supportive and helpful. My sister is another "issue" altogether.
My sister is inexplicably homeless. Every one of us has rolled out the red carpet for her to move in while she gets back on her feet. She refuses to leave California. She has major health issues, hasn't worked in over 20 years, and maxed out her government disability several years ago when she took a buyout. Now she is leeching my parents' resources at an alarming rate. Each time she calls them up for money, health insurance, etc... it's always my father who is "guilted" into helping her. She is hitting them up more and more often. My sister has a cell phone, provided by my parents. She won't answer any of our calls or e-mails. The only time anyone hears from her is when she calls my parents for more money. I've thought of going to California, finding her, and physically forcing her to return home with me. I don't think I can physically or legally do that, though. I know I need to use some tough love and tell her how she is affecting all of us. However, she has alluded to suicide in the past and I do not want to push her over the edge.
My parents saved and planned for my father's retirement. Their savings took big hits, first, with 9-11 and second, with the Wall Street/ mortgage fiasco. They can still live comfortably, but have to closely watch their budget. In short, they cannot afford to support a 53 year old child.
I have POA for both parents. They are, however, still functioning adults and I have no right to tell them how to use their money. My mother is furious and giving herself a nervous breakdown over the whole situation with my sister. It is really starting to take a toll on her health. I am VERY concerned for her. I talk with them at least once a week. My mother (always a worrier) is growing increasingly frantic and her mind seems to be increasingly scattered. I know it's related to my sister. What can I do??? I don't know the law. Even if I did, this is my family, not some hit and run driver. I just don't know what to do.
Go and stay a few months with your parents. Get the real story. If you find that they BOTH (which is unlikely), need help, with their activities (and not just their finances), then ask a doctor to help them come to some decisions about assisted living.
Seems like you're more worried about your future than your parents' health and future living requirements.
As for your sister, it's none of your business.
All: Thinking about the moving issue is too overwhelming right now. I hope to get the finances stabilized and treatment for the memory issues first. I need to take this one (or two) step(s) at a time. Otherwise I might go running for the hills.
I think Nancy's advice was so excellent. If you have POA, your parents could refer your sister to you for money. Tell them they will have to stand tough, no matter how painful it is for them. I do not know what your sister's disability is. Is she able to work at all? I do know that if she is not allowed to find and stand on her own feet, she will not get better. The question is how to help her find her feet. Bailing her out is only hurting her. The money may better be invested in retraining. I saw a wonderful statistic the other day that people over 55 are being hired at a much higher rate than before. She still has time to get on her feet.
If your parents are of sound mind, they have a right to spend their money as they see fit, whether you think what they are doing is wise or not. But if you suspect that the soundness of their judgment is being to be questionable, then you have a duty (in my mind) as POA to step in, as gently as you can, and protect them from themselves.
And NancyH is right ... it is time to start thinking about their long term housing situation. Maybe changes aren't needed at this time, but it is better to think ahead than to react in a crisis situation.