Hi, I'm at my wits end and hope someone can help me. My mother has Alzheimers and lives in a nursing home, I'm originally from the UK but live in the States, my mother and sister are in the UK.
My sister and her husband were mentally abusing mom when she was at home, I did not know anything about this until I went to see my mom 18 months ago as I was so worried about her, she had been wandering all over the neighborhood getting lost, had flooded the house twice and was so confused, I tried to talk to my sister saying it was time for mom to go in to a nursing home and she swore at me, called mom an f......g pain then hung up on me, I was on the next plane over there. My sister and her husband are bullies and made it very clear I have no say in anything even though they know mom and I have always been close. When I arrived mom was near emaciated, very upset and confused.
My sister came over and starting screaming and swearing at me and mom so I called the police, very long story short my sister then changed all the locks on mom's house so I could not get in, eventually had to return to the US. I did contact social services and after many emails they did remove mom from her home and placed her in a nursing home where she is thriving.
My sister does not want me in the UK because she wants to be able to do whatever she wants with mom's money and house without being questioned.
The social services did hire an attorney to apply for Deputyship through the court of protection, the social worker who deals with my sister wrote a letter to be included in the paperwork, she stated that my sister was aggressive to social workers, that when asked for a statement from mom's bank, she gave them something off the internet without a name or bank acct #, my sister told the social worker that she had a joint acct with mom but refused to show proof, also that when they suggested she go for Deputyship so she could legally sell mom's house she told them no, you do it, that the management at the nursing home are concerned because my sister visits mom under the influence of alcohol, and the social services do acknowledge the drinking problem.
A few days ago I received an email from the attorney the social services hired saying the social services had asked them to withdraw all paperwork, the reason being the social worker who wrote about my sister should not have done so and it is not factual based. How on earth can they say it is not factual based!?? I have a feeling my sister threatened a law suit against them for some reason.
So now nothing is happening, the social services are no longer applying for Deputyship and my sister is doing whatever she pleases with mom's finances and her house which I suspect she is renting out to get money.
My mother did remove my sister as executor of her will years ago as she didn't trust her and because of her drinking problem.
All this has to mean something, I don't know what to do now, I have contacted the court of protection in case my sister does apply for Deputyship so I will be informed and can object.
I would like a person from the court of protection to act as Deputy so mom's money/sale from her house etc will be in a account just for her and no one else.
When I email/write to anyone about all this would it be okay to include the letter from the social worker even though social services have now backed away? I don't want it to bite me in the butt so to speak later on.
All I want to do is to protect my mom, fortunately my sister cannot move her from the nursing home, which she has tried several times, as social services do have control over mom's health, not her finances.
If anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful, not sure where to turn right now, I was thinking about contacting the Judge who was overlooking the case? contact the bank manager where my mom's account is? I'm sure he does not know mom has Alzheimers and is incapable of making any decisions.
Thank you in advance.
I hired an attorney to stop my sister selling my mom's house illegally, she had it up for sale, no one right now is Deputy or had Power of attorney (which I believe my mom would have had to appoint) I'm trying not to spend thousands of pounds, with everything that's been said about my sister and all her actions, there has to be something I can do without going broke, this is crazy. I'm just trying to do the right thing for my mom.
When reading your post, I started to wonder if maybe your sister was abusing drugs. When I reached the end of your post and saw that there was some alcohol abuse going on, I thought, "Aha, there it is." Do you think it possible that there is more then alcohol at work here? I ask this because I've seen firsthand how people who abuse drugs treat their families, and your sister's behavior reminds me so much of someone who uses meth amphetamine.
I agree with the response above: hiring a UK lawyer who specializes in elder law would be a good idea. If you were in the US it would work like this: Your attorney would have a subpoena delivered to your sister requiring her to appear at court. At the court hearing, the lawyer will ask the judge to suspend her ability to use any of your moms finances. If your sister has POA, the power of attorney can be temporarily taken away and a guardian ad litem can be ordered in its place. The guardian is given temporary control of all finances, and visits the homes of those involved to uncover what is going on and assess what the situation is. Then the guardian ad litem will report their findings back to the judge, and a decision will be made from there about what would be in the best interest of the elderly parent.
You may be able to have the expense of the attorney taken from your mother's finances.
I would keep all correspondence you have with your sister that help outline your reason for being concerned about your mothers welfare. These things will be important when placed before a judge. The lawyer may ask you to write something up that will be presented with the paperwork for court. Your sister will receive a copy of this along with the paperwork for the court with her subpoena to appear.
Needless to say, prepare yourself. Your sister is likely to come back with a very hateful attitude toward you. It doesn't seem likely that she will be able to fight this in court for a prolonged time, and you may easily win this case if things in the UK are like they are here in the US. Please be forewarned, though, your sister may become quite venomous. I have seen how horrible relations become in this kind of situation. It is so terrible sad, because no one really "WINS".
I wish you and your mom the best.
XO
I don't mind at all if you'd like to send my post to your friend in England, that would be great.
My sister and I have no contact at all, the last time I saw/tried to speak to her was when I was in the UK. not sure if she's doing drugs but the alcohol use is 24/7, she is so aggressive, you cannot talk to her, she puts her hands in your face, her appearance is terrible, red faced and bloated, she just cannot control herself even when speaking with social workers, the police etc, it's her way, you have no say.
When she walks, or rather stomps, in to the room you can feel the hate radiating from her it's that bad, she and her husband need money, this is why she's doing all of this.
I've emailed the court of protection so they are aware I exist, the lawyer who was hired by social services let me know my sister has applied for Deputyship and no one is opposing, this is so upsetting but I am going to send everything I have to the court. My mom removed my sister as Executor of her will years ago, my sister threw a fit but the social workers comments, the comments from the nursing home etc...all of these things say it all to me.
This is on my mind all the time, I'm having terrible anxiety, I'm shaking and my throat feels as though it's closing off, it's not about me though, I'm so upset for my mom, this is not what she wanted. At least mom is being very well taken care of now but I just cannot let my sister steal all her money she worked so hard for all her life, she's a great lady.
Thank you again for your help x
Your description of your sister is so familiar to me. And you hit it right: the substance abuse and lack of cash are what causes her to act so horribly. (Money can make a devil out of people. I watched how it turned my own flesh and blood into someone I didn't know anymore, and someone who I was (am) too embarrassed to admit being related to.
How able is your mom? I was wondering if the lawyer you spoke with who told you of the deputyship could arrange to get a statement from your mom regarding her wishes in this manner? I'm sure that in light of what your sister is doing, your mom's finances are better off with a complete stranger. No matter what, it does seem that in order for your sister to be denied deputyship. the court must be made aware of what is going on, and you need the reassurance of knowing that there is someone who is going to make certain that your documentation is seen by that judge before he/she renders a decision. No judge who is worth their weight would ever give someone control over anothers finances when they are as troubled as your sister. Which is why you must make sure the judge will indeed be given statements from those who oppose deputyship.
Be the squeaky wheel. I would keep contacting the court until they were familiar with my voice/email and until I was given the assurance that concerns will be looked into.
Truth be told, my main concern is for you. I know anxiety attacks very well, and and I sure do know how situations like ours can bring almost unbearable amounts of stress. We have to be sooo careful. If we don't take steps to relax we will quite literally worry ourselves to death.
You need to realize that you are doing all that you can do.
Do what you can in the morning and then let it go for the day. Otherwise, your anxiety attacks will increase in amount and severity. Your whole system will turn on you if you don't take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to FORCE yourself to do this. You must try to relax, because you do not want to end up as I have. I let the stress of many years build up and eat away at me. I was rewarded with an auto-immune disease, worsened panic and depression, and more. It poisoned my relationships, and has almost (but not quite) wrecked me. Just today as I was driving home I had an anxiety attack so severe that I had to pull off the road because I was passing out at the wheel.
Remember: Stress (equals) Very bad for you.
And when something is bad, you rid yourself of it. After all, if you sacrifice your well being to the worry and allow it to compromise you, you won't be able to help your mom at all and likely have that much harder a time helping yourself. You'll miss many an opportunity to call your mom on the phone and enjoy making her giggle, etc. I know you don;t want that.
So rest up, eat, think of some positive things, do some things you normally enjoy, and don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Guilt is every bit as bad as worry.
If things begin to close in around you. come here and post to the forum.A lot of people here understand and care. We're here to back each other up.
(You might even consider blogging. I started a blog.....about my DOGS, lol . I will say this: It does give me something nice to concentrate on.)
Keep us posted
XO
I'm sorry you had such a hard time yesterday and hope you are okay today. You are right about money and some people, it's so disgusting how far they will go.
Unfortunately my mom no longer understands anything or recognizes anyone, she is in her own little world, the staff at the nursing home tell me mom walks around all day and is very confused. When I call sometimes they can get her to come to the phone but she has no idea who I am, I tell her I love her so much then break down after the call, I have to keep telling myself she is being so well cared for and she's as happy as she can be and that's the main thing.
You are so right about the stress, last year I was very ill, cried all the time, hardly ate, it was torture because I was worrying so much for my mom. I honestly felt as though I was going to just die from worrying, my sister and her husband were/had been so mentally (and I'm not sure about physically) abusive to mom it killed me, I just didn't know how bad it was so felt so guilty. I would have insisted she come and live with us and now it's too late.
I'm sure the social services are paying for the nursing home, they won't say too much, but mom's house is paid for and just sitting.
I am going to write to the bank manager to let him know what's going on.
The COP emailed me with a case number and said the court "should" notify me with papers but I'm going to mail a letter to them and keep emailing.
The one thing that I'm not sure about is the letter from the social worker stating all the facts about my sister, I wish I could ask a lawyer in the UK if it would be okay to include that letter, all I can think of is my sister will say the social services say it's not factual so should never have been seen by the Judge and insist it be thrown out and give her Deputyship, I just want to know if it's legal for me to include that letter.
I'm hoping too the Judge will want to see my sister in person, she looks good on paper but it's very evident in person she's an alcoholic and she will not be able to keep her cool, she'll probably tell the Judge what to do!! no one and I mean no one! tells her.
Thank you so much again for everything, hope you are ok?