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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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You need to get her some home care.. They will see that she is up/showered and dressed.. They will help with making sure she has breakfast and takes any meds she needs to take.. Good luck.
Thanks, we gave had carers in the past, this didn't help. Both myself and son are at her house every single day and for very long periods. The more visitors she has and more assistance she has she increases her demands. Becoming more and more less independent. She does not want to go into a care home or assisted home living.
Daviesmd, you describe the staying in bed as manipulative behavior. What is she trying to make happen?
You haven't filled in a profile but it would be helpful to know how old she is and what her impairments are. Does she have dementia? Has she ever been treated for depression?
In my personal experience, depression causes boredom. When there is no energy or the initiative to take action nothing seems interesting. Depression is treatable, if that is what is behind this behavior. If you are correct and this is deliberate behavior to manipulate then presumably it will go away when she does not achieve her objective.
Hello Jeannegibbs my mum is 83 she has COPD and cataracts (which can not be operated on) she has received medication for depression, tried different medication and all have made her sleepy and given her diahorea. She wants someone with her all the time, although she will not admit that We have tried to get her interested in a number of activities without success. She has not been diagnosed with dementia & she is quite sharp.
Hmmm ... Mom does not want to be left alone, and when she is she stays in bed. That could be manipulative, since she can see this worries you and perhaps hopes that will induce you to stay with her. Or it could be untreated depression.
But whatever is behind this, it seems to me the best solution is to arrange 24 hour care, most likely in an appropriate care center. A good care center has professionals at getting people involved in activities. It can also be a good setting for trying yet another medication for depression -- they will see that she is taking it correctly, monitor results, report to the doctor, tweak the dose, etc. They will also meet her genuine needs and encourage her to do what she can for herself.
She does want to be alone. She does not want to go to a care home. She probably does not want to be 83 and have COPD. Sigh. That is very sad and I am genuinely sorry for her. Sometimes we just have to make the best of what we don't want but must have.
(Today I don't want to be a widow. Sigh. That can't be changed.)
You are to be commended for wanting to help your mother. Unfortunately, doing what is best for her is not always the same thing as doing what she wants. That makes decisions very tough and painful. Stay strong!
Why are you attributing this to "manipulative behavior"? Maybe she feels safer in bed. Or without the stimulation of others in the house, she's sleepy. Or without the stimulation and noise of others in the house, she's afraid.
Look at it from a different perspective than she's trying to manipulate others and see if something pops out.
Daviesmd, how much time do you want to spend with your mom? How often? How about your son? You have complete control over that, so think about it carefully. For example, perhaps you are willing to spend one hour every other day with her, plus a four-hour stretch on the weekend. (Just as an example ... not as a recommendation.) If that is what you are comfortable with, then explain to Mom that that will be your schedule. Except for emergencies, stick to it.
You can also offer Mom suggestions about the other hours of the day. That might include attending an adult day health program, going to the senior center, inviting friends in for cards, having in-home help, or anything else you can think of. Just make it clear that you are only going to be there from 6 to 7 and Sunday afternoons. Acknowledge that you think she needs/deserves more help and companionship than that, and you will help her arrange it. But be firm about your own direct time with her.
You cannot control what your mother wants. You can control your own actions.
I urge you to not give up on the possibility of treatment for depression.
It's too long a story to explain why I and other members of family think my mum is manipulative and believe you me I have looked at things from other perspectives. And there is no doubt she's lonely. I go to my mothers every day as does my son and he sleeps there a few nights a week. I am there between 2 and 6 hrs and she will then get up for some of the time I'm there as soon as I say I'm going even if my son is there she will go back to bed, my own life and social life is also being affected. despite being capable she doesn't make herself a drink or a snack. We give her her drinks and meals and she has a cupboard near her living chair full of snacks and her bedside cabinet is kept toppled up. I try different things to stimulate her and will keep trying to encourage her to get involed with a day centre etc. one can lead the horse to water but unfortunately one can not make it drink. I will discuss with GP help. Thanks
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You haven't filled in a profile but it would be helpful to know how old she is and what her impairments are. Does she have dementia? Has she ever been treated for depression?
In my personal experience, depression causes boredom. When there is no energy or the initiative to take action nothing seems interesting. Depression is treatable, if that is what is behind this behavior. If you are correct and this is deliberate behavior to manipulate then presumably it will go away when she does not achieve her objective.
But whatever is behind this, it seems to me the best solution is to arrange 24 hour care, most likely in an appropriate care center. A good care center has professionals at getting people involved in activities. It can also be a good setting for trying yet another medication for depression -- they will see that she is taking it correctly, monitor results, report to the doctor, tweak the dose, etc. They will also meet her genuine needs and encourage her to do what she can for herself.
She does want to be alone. She does not want to go to a care home. She probably does not want to be 83 and have COPD. Sigh. That is very sad and I am genuinely sorry for her. Sometimes we just have to make the best of what we don't want but must have.
(Today I don't want to be a widow. Sigh. That can't be changed.)
You are to be commended for wanting to help your mother. Unfortunately, doing what is best for her is not always the same thing as doing what she wants. That makes decisions very tough and painful. Stay strong!
Look at it from a different perspective than she's trying to manipulate others and see if something pops out.
You can also offer Mom suggestions about the other hours of the day. That might include attending an adult day health program, going to the senior center, inviting friends in for cards, having in-home help, or anything else you can think of. Just make it clear that you are only going to be there from 6 to 7 and Sunday afternoons. Acknowledge that you think she needs/deserves more help and companionship than that, and you will help her arrange it. But be firm about your own direct time with her.
You cannot control what your mother wants. You can control your own actions.
I urge you to not give up on the possibility of treatment for depression.