At my mom's primary care appointment 6 months ago she tested "normal for her age" on her memory tests. She is 74. They said they would test her again at her next appointment in 6 months which was the end of last month. My intention was to go to this recent appointment with her. I called the day before to talk to the nurse practitioner she sees about the behavior I'm seeing. As it turned out, mom went to her appt a day early and they went ahead and saw her! The NP called me back later to let me know that mom had again passed the memory tests. When I told her about some of the things she is doing she said that she can't really call mom back for more tests after telling her that the memory test was normal. That I needed to tell mom my concerns and try to convince her to make another appt to look further into this issue. And that if she doesn't want to pursue it there isn't much we can do. It's very frustrating. I wish I felt like she would want to listen to my concerns but knowing my mom I don't think it will happen. She is more likely to listen to her NP than she is to listen to me so that's why I was hoping to enlist her help. As it is mom seems to be burying her head in the sand about her problem. I'm sure she is scared about what might be wrong. It's not getting any better, that's for sure. I'm sure she doesn't realize that she asks the same questions 2 or 3 times in a short period. She gets confused more easily. The other day she lost her keys after coming home from running errands. She needed to go back out to the store and decided to use her spare keys. The spare she picked up is the kind that will only open your car door. She also has a spare with a chip. Anyway she was trying to start the car with the one that doesn't have a chip. So she thought something was wrong with her car. Meanwhile she had also locked herself out of the house somehow. I came over and unlocked her house and then showed her that her car would start with the chipped key of which I also thankfully have a spare. She kept insisting that the unchipped key used to start the car too which I know is not correct. A search for her lost primary set of keys revealed that she had thrown them into the chair next to the front door. Within the next few days she took her car to a mechanic because it "wasn't starting at times." Sigh. More and more things like this are happening. Thankfully mom had the foresight to put me on her bank accounts years ago. I have set up online banking so I can keep an eye on her accounts.
I know I'm rambling on. I guess I'm just venting and looking for advice on how to talk to my mom about looking into her memory issues further. And any tips about things to look out for on this journey or steps I can take in advance to make things simpler down the road are also much appreciated! Thank you in advance. Many of you gave me great advice when I posted back in September!
Please.
An alcoholic will deny everything all the way down the line. Like every other addict, they'd rather have an addiction than a relationship with you. She's lied to you and will keep lying. Your job is to regroup and figure out how to handle it while facing the truth.
I'm very sorry, OP. Dealing with addicts is hell on earth. I will no longer do it whether family, friends or other. Life is too short to get hung up on people who refuse to get help.
You may have to make that choice yourself.
Did you have any idea you were?
Please see my response to you below your response to us.
My heart goes out to you, but now you must learn about alcoholism, not dementia. And you must protect yourself because you WILL NEVER be able to protect your mom.
Please go to Al-Anon. THEY can help you so much and will be an incredible resource for information and a support you badly need.
I am so very sorry.
There is also the issue of my Mom's drinking. I don't live with her so I don't know what she does every evening. But I do know this: any time I am at her house in the late afternoon, she pops open a beer by 4 or 5pm. She has usually drank 3 or 4 beers by the time I leave which is generally by 7pm. I have a feeling more are consumed after that. Any time I am with mom overnight like on a get-away she drinks between 8 to 10 beers every night. This has been going on for a while. I brought up to her one time in a non-confrontational way that memory issues can be caused by alcohol and medication being taken together or even just alcohol itself. She tried to tell me that she "only drinks 2 beers".
If there's something that can be done to help her memory issue now I would prefer that, rather than waiting until she gets worse to be able to do anything. She is surprisingly healthy physically and is able to get around and take care of her daily needs at this point. It's not my goal to ger her into a facility. If she reaches a point where I can't provide the care she needs that will be a different story.
I would like for her to go to a Neurologist but I think she would need to be referred. Without the recommendation of her NP I doubt she would go anyway. She has too much pride to allow me to do a memory test at home with her. Does anyone have tips on how to "sweet talk" your parent into going back to the doctor? Either the NP or Mom has to have concerns about the memory loss in order for things to go any further at this point. I do not have medical POA.
Thanks so much for all of the advice and information you all gave! It means a lot. I have been trying to figure this out on my own as I am an "only child". It's stressful and depressing. It's good to know there are people who have gone through this and want to offer support ❤️
Source: https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcohol/risks-effects-dangers/wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome#
In California, state law prohibits classifying "mild cognitive impairment" and "dementia" as the same condition.
Time to see a Neurologist instead?
Get Mom to a Neurologist who will test her further than drawing a facevor a house. Mom may be "showtiming". The ability to seem normal for a shorttime. In the early stages of Dementia its easy for them to do this.
Are you needing this evaluation to convince your mother to go into a facility?
If not, what is the reason?
My brother and I keep tabs on our step-mother in MC, we watch what and how she does things, not difficult to figure out what stage she is in. We adjust accordingly.
It was very clear to me when I took her to a Neurologist that they had no clue, yes, the little clock test on so forth, ok so we think she has FTD, bring her back in 6 months we will test her again. Um, no a total waste of time, she was in AL we moved her to MC, that is where she still is.
Your eyes and ears will update you on her condition, it might be time for MC, you do not need a doctors approval to move her into MC.
One thing about dementia is that there's no point in talking to them about it. You already know that you won't get anywhere with that, so might as well drop it. Quietly go about doing whatever else you'll need to do, such as her estate plan. If she doesn't have one, you can say you don't either and you can both go to a lawyer to discuss it (you can, of course, if you already have one, clue the attorney in). Locate her important papers - deeds, mortgages, insurance plans. Put them somewhere that she won't lose them. Even make copies and return the copies to her filing place but keep the originals locked up away from her access. Find out if she has long-term care insurance. Locate any divorce papers, funeral plans if she has them, information about her social security and any pensions. Maybe she needs to downsize her home now, before she gets sicker. Help her to do that. She could learn about Ubers so that when she can no longer drive, she knows how to use them. Help her clean out her basement or attic but don't mention selling her home to pay for her care.
There are plenty of ways to stealthily plan what you'll need to do. A definite diagnosis is not necessary, and sometimes it can make dealing with them worse.
Ask her to draw a clock face with all the numbers (make sure there's no clocks in the room she can copy). Then ask her to draw 11:10 or some other time that is not on the hour or 1/2 hour.
Next. Give her 3 random words and ask her to remember them and repeat them after 10 minutes (eg: garden, captain, picture). Have her do some activity after you tell her the words. Then have her try and recall them. If she misses 1, that's normal. More than 1... then you call the doc and discuss. Also show them the clock face drawing if she wasn't able to whip out a perfect one.
It's tough when they're declining but no so declined that it's obvious. I went through the same thing with my mom. She did OK on memory test the first time even though she was having a very hard time dealing with life - couldn't make plans, couldn't figure out so many things about her newer car, etc. etc. Many of these type of things don't get picked up in their tests. My mom did the same thing about asking the same question over and over.
I kept a list of things she was doing so I could tell the doctor. Which, with the tests, helped her get diagnosed first with MCI and then with dementia a year later. So keep an eye on things and follow up when needed. Maybe another appt in 6 months, if you/she can wait that long.
I wouldn't get too hung up on talking to her about her issues. They are very quick to deny and get mad about it. It really doesn't matter if she acknowledges it and/or understands it. I just keep it vague with my mom and talk about her "memory issue" and/or "confusion - she gets mad when I say dementia so I don't bother saying it anymore.
Make sure all her paperwork is in order. Financial POA. Medical POA. Living will/advanced directive. Regular will.
If she needs more help, what I did is start with a cleaning lady when my mom couldn't keep up with cleaning her room, bathroom or changing her sheets. Then added some aides and kept increasing it. You might consider these things as well.
Best of luck.
I would ask your NP for a referral now for neuro-psyc.
I don't remember if you live together or not, but it seems to me this may be something you should see a psychologist about. THEN decide if there are anxiety issues or real issues of memory. The psychologist can help dx. as well.
I would let your NP know, if you are MPOA that her unwillingness to do more complete testing is honestly sounding a bit negligent. I would email her this list.
I would think, for myself, I would distance myself from all this for a while and let mom function more on her own. Your anxiety may be triggering hers and vice versa. I have a hard time seeing how a NP could say she is normal and I would ask, if you are MPOA for information on EXACTLY WHAT TESTING SHE DID.
From what you say it is impossible to guess at what is going on.
My daughter is 62 to my 81 and she loses things twice as much as me as she has an anxiety disorder. It is common for her. She moves very quickly, cannot multitask, and etc. Just "how she is" and she manages her life quite well despite that.