Daughter lives nearby, excludes / ignores her mother. Mom calls daughter, who slams down phone, attends family functions without her. Mom has medical issues, but lives alone. Just wants a kind word from her daughter, nothing else. A call to say hi, how are you? Not technical abuse, because she doesn't lay a hand on her. A friend who takes care of seniors says she's seen this type of mother-daughter relationship more than once. The daughter -- in her 50s -- doesn't want to be friends or even kind. Daughter bears deep grudge toward her mother, won't change. Therefore, the mom is angry that the will drawn up by her deceased husband leaves all joint property to this daughter. My friend is a breast cancer survivor and has chronic pain, serious. Isolation increased because she worked until age 85, not easily sociable and English not her native tongue. The pandemic took away her freedom, she has WWII PTSD and can't travel to her native country. Doesn't use internet.
If the property was jointly owned by your friend and her DH, he could not dispose of it all (but the statute of limitations may have run on that).
Your friend needs to except she is not going to get any help from this daughter. Looks like fences will not be mended. I suggest she call Office of Aging and see if there are any resources for her. Maybe Adult Protection Services. Both will evaluate the situation and maybe get her some help. If she is low income and has lived here for a while (I think its over 5 years) and has a greencard, Medicaid maybe able to help her. She is on her own and needs to except that unless there are other children.
I am with Florida about joint property. Dad may have been able to leave his half to daughter but he can't leave friends half. And I would think a lawyer drawing up the Will would be aware, before wording it that way, that the wife was joint or not. Most couples word their wills "what mine is urs". Then the surviving spouse makes a new will distributing the assets. Weird that a daughter was left anything by a father when his wife is still alive. The only time I have heard of this is in a second marriage when there are children from the first.
Good take on the overall situation. I know that my friend's isolation is not unusual; I hope time and community will help her break out of the cycle.
You do not mention dementia. But of course if this woman is in her right mind then she is perfectly able to call a lawyer, even one who speaks her own language. And she can then write a will that will negate any prior wills written by anyone unless an irrevocable trust of some kind is in place. Were I you I would NOT be involved in this in any way whatsoever.
Were I a mother whose child was estranged from me I would STILL not write them out of my will. That would be MY choice, not to. I think it is the last slap, one that can never be taken back. I would leave money to that child and a letter apologizing for whatever inadequacies I had as a parent. I think our failures where our children are involved are the most hurtful inadequacies we can ever have to admit and face down.
But this is ALL up to your friend. You describe her as a friend. Is this of long standing, or is this more a neighbor you are looking after? Does she have family? I would be very very very careful. Involvement in the "wills" of others can land you in a heap of a mess. I would supply sympathy and may even help search for names of lawyers that would come to the home and be able to speak with her, but that is the most I would do; I would not discuss otherwise her plans for her monies. In all likelihood she will live to spend them all up.
I'm definitely in accord with your views. My friend came into my life after her husband passed away, someone I knew of, but I didn't know well. She couldn't even talk at first, just cried and cried and talked about ending her life. For weeks and months. She was not able to reach out to anyone, so I just kept up with it. She asks me a lot of questions about normal every day things we all take for granted. That's my main role. Over two years I've managed to not say anything to her estranged family. She's very sensitive and thought that they really cared about her, but after the passing of her husband, she was neglected. She lives about 15 miles away, hard traffic, and I have health problems so I cannot drive to see her any more. Not because of the traffic, but lots of reasons. While my friend does have a sharp mind still, chronic pain and The pandemic hit her really hard and she was sure that it was a communist plot, having PTSD from living in a Soviet bloc country. So we talk about that a lot. I appreciated all of your insights into the relationships. Today, in fact, after I submitted my question to the group, I received a phone call from my friend: her daughter actually telephoned her! What a miracle! They discussed her job and feelings. I feel so much better now and relieved, knowing that she'll be able to live more fully simply based on that one phone call. I even heard her laughing! I feel very relieved in reading of the experiences here.
As others have stated, a grudge means something happened---people who don't know my past history with my mother would think I am a rotten daughter who is cruel to her mother. Fact is, I cannot be around her for my own mental health--and I will not go into details. I curtail my time with her to be only when I know I can handle it.
She'd never admit it, but she certainly knows why I keep my distance. (while doing so, I am sure that the other sibs and family members with no issues with mother are present and there for her. I wouldn't leave her alone and depressed. I may have my reasons for keeping distance, but that's not THEIR issue to deal with.)
Mother found a lot of enjoyment in the local Sr Center where she was able to play the queen bee for people her age. Sadly, due to COVID it has been shut for months, and she is lonely--but to be honest, she pretty much was isolated before COVID. She lives with YB and his family--all 4 adult kids still living at home, so she isn't lonely, per se.
As a friend, you have a totally different relationship with her than she has with her daughter. Be careful not to brand this daughter as cruel or grasping--there are definitely 2 sides to this story. Don't get involved with that aspect of her life.
If you still drive, take her places. Even one or two short outings a week would probably life her spirits. This is a weird time--she really CAN'T go to a movie or out to wat--just the normal day to day has changed for probably many more months.
I would just listen to her and try to steer her thinking and talking into positive ways. At age 85--she really doesn't need the drama of a bad relationship with her daughter. Maybe with what she inherited, she can move into an IL
apartment, and she would have a lot of possible friendships there.
Just be the kind friend you are already being.
Tell her to go see a different attorney and find out if she can change her will or what. Joint property becomes the surviving spouses sole property, unless the husband already made daughter part owner.
Whatever has happened in the relationship between mother and daughter sounds like it will never be fixed. So encourage your friend to find people that lift her up and let go of her daughter.
This will be so much better than trying to make someone be kind or caring.
Fforced many of HER interests and beliefs on her daughter as a child and adolescent. Could not see that as she grew up, daughter might make own choices (who to marry, religion or not, how to raise her kids). When visiting if daughter says, mom, please dont eat in the living room mom says "dont be silly".
Cconsequence is that daughter visits on HER schedule, maintains healthy boundaries. Mother is sad and enraged all the time. Her son has cut off ALL communication with her.
I am privileged to know both sides of the story and make sympathetic noises when friend complains.
I suggest that THAT in your role here.