94-year-old husband, caring for 89-year-old wife with dementia. He had an episode of high blood pressure where he was hospitalized overnight. She refuses to allow anyone in to assist husband.
She keeps saying he hast to rest, and when he feels better, they’ll talk about getting someone in. The daughter has power of attorney, and does not know how to proceed so just brings food over. Patient gets extremely agitated when she hears anyone is coming in the house. The house in disarray. Any suggestions?
The daughter with the POA arranges for homecare to come in, or the 89-year old goes to a nursing home. That threat has to be made. If the 94-year old husband is still mentally competent, he can tell his wife that he is the one who hired the homecare help and she'll probably back off.
Help your friend the daughter arrange the homecare help for both of them. The 89-year old probably belongs in memory care at this point. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years (mostly to elderly). When the agitation because someone comes to the house, and the paranoia starts that's usually when it's time for placement.
Your friend should stop bring food over and start looking at care facilities. By accepting POA she is responsible for arranging their care so if they're living in disarray in a hoard and the father is being refused care, that will on her. Your friend would do well to ask the police to do regular wellness checks on her parents. They will and the cops are mandated reporters too. They will tell APS what's going on and that might be a good thing here.
It is also within her legal authority to have her mother placed in a memory care for a respite stay and she should. This way she can get the house in order and give her father time to get acclimated to the homecare aides that will be going to their home.
I know this sounds harsh, but I know what I'm talking about. This is what needs to be done for everyone's sake. This is how your friend needs to proceed.
Does the 89-year old have a formal diagnosis of dementia? She will need one to get her placed for a respite stay in a facility.
If it's all too much for your friend to handle, that's okay too. She can always petition the court to appoint a conservator over her parents.
Sometimes, we just have to ruffle a few feathers. So what if mom gets upset. What is she going to do if help arrives?
Obviously, her husband is trying to ‘keep the peace’ so he won’t upset his wife. Meanwhile, he’s headed towards his grave. ‘Keeping the peace’ only prolongs the agony for everyone.
Yes, it’s incredibly sad that his wife has dementia. Of course, she needs help. Her husband shouldn’t be the one who provides help for her. He is in need of help himself.
Has an assisted living facility, memory care or a skilled nursing facility been suggested for this couple? That would be the best solution.
If the daughter has POA, she needs to use her authority to help them instead of bringing over food to them. She is her own worst enemy by doing this.
What is the daughter afraid of? My husband’s paternal grandfather fired his help everyday.
My father in law had POA and he instructed the caregiver to continue working. The caregiver was a jewel!
Our entire family appreciated her.
Most caregivers know exactly how to handle these situations. My husband’s grandfather eventually adjusted to receiving help because his caregiver had experience with difficult seniors. Families can avoid trouble when they step aside and trust a caregiver to do their job.
Best wishes for the daughter and her family. I hope they find a solution soon.
The 'keeping the peace' is not that important when there's an actual sick person being put at risk.
Or
2. Move dad to a hotel/respite/rehab for "rest".
Call 911 and have mom transported to ER as no one to care for her.
It would be in everyone's best interest if they go into a care facility immediately. That's their best chance of getting the care they need in this sad situation.
The daughter with POA has the authority to move them to a care facility over their objections. I really hope she will do that.