My mother in law will be moving in the first of the new year and I cannot cope with the idea knowing a lot of her care will be on me. While she has her physical and mental wits about her for the most part, she is in beginning stages of Alzheimer's or Dimentia (have yet to diagnose). I am in a constant panic, depression and anxiety and not sure what will be ahead. My husband works and he has no idea what to expect either. I guess long story short is I am scared to death even if she is pretty self reliant, however, know that this will not always be the case. Our lives are going to be turned upside down and we have had so many goals. And now we have to alter our home for her safety. Thats fine, but its so much change too!!! I know I sound selfish, but I know we will be strongly effected in a way in which we cannot manage. I know our marriage will change greatly. I feel like my world is over and I will caring for a child who has a big mouth, strong opinions, dislikes and personality. Basically worse than me. No jokes. We have many pets (6), 3 that love barking and the other that get under foot.
I am so sorry to air out and ask what I should do at the same time. I feel like my life is simply going to be taken over until she passes. I hate saying that. But am I alone in this. I feel like a horrible selfish person for thinking about myself and husband.
The other issue is my 11 year old nephew. I practically live with my sister and he during the summertime, literally. I am only home for a couple of days a week. And I cannot go without that time with him in my life. I am spiraling! I am sorry.
I feel so trapped already. Keep in mind, I have never had any children just animals and an nephew who is practically mine. But never have had a person depend on her activities and other needs she may have.
It's been 4 days and 33 answers since we first heard from her.
The first thing I would do is IMMEDIATELY look for an elder care coordinator / geriatric case manager who has extensive mental health training, because you're going to need someone with that sort of experience. You need a *professional* who can explain to your husband *exactly* what it entails to take care of a demented elder. You need someone who will read your husband the riot act--and has the professional qualifications to do this. You will want to go to the initial consultation *alone*, because you need help getting through your husband's thick skull that you absolutely do not want to care for his demented mother in YOUR home--and that you have *very* good reasons for making this decision. I hate to say it, but this IS a common problem elder care coordinators deal with. A lot of men really don't respect women and that includes their wives. They haven't gotten with the program that they can't unilaterally make decisions that affect their wives and family without their wives fully agreeing to it. Many times, they use bullying tactics, such as pestering you until you give in, in order to get their way. You also need a professional to *order* that he get professional mental health for himself *and* actively participate in couples counseling.
You and your husband are definitely going to need couples therapy. I think this problem ranks in seriousness equal to discovering that he's got a mistress and they've been using your bedroom. What he has done is violate the sanctity of your home, by bringing an unwanted and problematic person into your home and expecting that you will be cool with it.
Let's assume that he refuses to meet with an elder care coordinator / elder case manager. Make it very clear that NO is unacceptable. You want to spend at least a week telling him that 'we have a meeting with the elder care coordinator on ___ at ___. You need to be there. This is non-negotiable.' Some men will make excuse after excuse to avoid meeting this person. Hold his feet to the fire.
Let's assume that he's saying 'h-ll no, I won't go.', then it's time to hire a family law / divorce attorney. This is *completely* unacceptable behavior and, for your own safety and sanity, you have to divorce him. The same goes for if he refuses to go to couples therapy, he refuses to take couples therapy seriously or he stonewalls therapy. I know of times where the numbskull man woke up to how serious and bad his behavior has been only when you have him served with divorce papers and walk out.
I loved his dad, don't get me wrong, but we still had a couple of VERY NEEDY kids at home, a new grandbaby on the way, I was working PT....all those were factors, but the biggest one was simply that it was a terrible idea. Our lives would have spun on an axis, never to be the same again. Hubby thought I'd LOVE taking care of his dad, for some reason. I told him that yes, he could move dad in, but the girls and I would move out. I stood my ground. (15 years later I am still considered to be selfish for not allowing this to happen)
Then we worked out a "plan" which basically had me running to dad's 2-3 times per day to feed, clean, medicate, whatever. Towards the end, he had fallen and broken his collarbone and caused a huge skin tear on the way down. I had to open that wound and debride it and dress it 3xs a day. Also clean the bathroom twice a day b/c he WOULDN'T sit down to pee and so splashed all over the place. Did hubby do one single solitary thing to help me? NO, he did not. Sat on the sofa and gagged as I debrided the wound. Stood outside the bathroom and gagged as I bleached the toilet area.
And complained mightily if I didn't fix something for dinner that he felt was "nutritious enough" for his dad.
And dad was not a difficult man to deal with, he was simply old and dying.
You have 3 months. You can find other housing. Personally, I think this sounds like an awful idea for all the people involved. Good Luck---
"My husband is considering having our family move in with his mother, who has dementia. Any advice?"
A difficult situation some of us have already experienced. All the best!
I said no. Absolutely not. She isn't my mother, I am not going to be a f/t caretaker to the situation. MIL has little to no resources to hire in home caregivers and has shown a strong thread of *it's going to be my way* and failure to see that it can't always be "your way", not when you are so dependent upon others as to your well being. Sometimes you have to compromise and allow others to assist. She failed to do that, consistently.
And I'm supposed to take "that situation" under my roof and become f/t caretaker. No, absolutely not.
And I meant it. Still do.
IMO .. it takes a special person with a heart as big as TX and patience of Job and selfless *long-term* sacrificial demeanor, to take this on. Truly, through and through.
I would love to know more of your story of "how" this has come to pass that your husband just announces that he's bringing his aged mother in, for care.
Surely there is some allowance for input/dialogue, between the two of you.
Make a plan..in writing. What days he will cover. What evening hours he will cover. Put this in writing because he will try to weasel out of it.
This is no something that you should even consider doing alone! You need to have at least 6 hours a day of in-home agency caregiver.... 5 days a week, with hubby doing the other 2 days. Believe me, you will no be able to cope with her all day every day by yourself.
I believe, between the expense of care givers and hubby having to do 2 days and part of every night...he will find a new solution within 3 months!
This is not something you can do and remain sane!
MIL will not like the disruption caused by your animals especially the constant barking. I am afraid that would drive me potty. Then there is the danger of her tripping over one of them and breaking a hip or something.
What has happened that she can't continuy to live in her current accommodation.
Dementia is a terrible disease and it affects different people at different speeds and degrees.
One week she can seem fine,fairly sociable and easy to take care of but the following week she may be peeing in the flower pots, imagining the neighbors are trying to set the house on fire. If she likes animals she will feed yours unealthy foods. She may raid the fridge at all hours of the night,eating whatever is for next days dinner, even eating a whole box of ice cream or you will discover it hidden in her closet days later. She may refuse her medications, not shower and wear filthy clothes.
Read some of the posts on this site to get an idea how things work out. maybe a few elderly loved ones are sweet and kind and never argue. But the caregivers for these people never tell their stories. All we hear are tales of lives ruined, marrieges destroyed, disappearance of friends and family, only to return like vultures in the last weeks of life to collect anything they can get their hands on.
Just say "No" you have an equal say in the decision to let MIL move in. You clearly don't want MIL in the house and neither you or hubby have no idea of how things are like to go.
Just read through a few of the post
Do you have kids or are you planning on having children?
Do you work outside of the house?
You have time to figure out what your life is going to look like on January 1 because she is not your mother. If your husband made this huge decision without you and is trying to force you to accept it, you have insight into what your married life will be like as long as your MIL is alive. And remember that there always are challenges in life and therefore in marriage. It is how a married couple come together to solve problems that determines whether or not their marriage is successful.
What about your family besides your sister and nephew? Where are your parents? Do they need your time and attention?
It will be best for everyone involved - you, your husband, and his mother - to be proactive and put a plan together with the help of a geriatric care manager this month. You can help your husband by finding a geriatric care manager but then he needs to take responsibility for his mother and for his marriage. Caregiving must work for everybody involved. And that includes you. If your husband doesn't see it like that, then you have a much, much bigger problem to solve.
Mia, that can happen when neither the patient or family are consulted. I've read numerous times on this forum that a doctor or someone else told the family the patient can't live alone. In my experience, this often seems to be automatic, w/o even asking the family what resources are available for increased support.
At one ER visit either last year or the year before, one of the staff in the ER decided Dad couldn't go home alone. He wasn't dressed in medical garb; I'm not even sure if he was a medical professional or a social worker or what. For all I know he might have been a scout for an AL facility.
And I just happened to overhear him telling another staffer that he was starting to look for a placement for my father, WITHOUT ever having discussed this with Dad or me. Of course, I was livid, but kept my control and let him waste his time until he came in Dad's ER room later, when I set him straight.
I'm not saying that everyone can stay at home; what I'm saying is that it's a joint decision with family input mandatory. Doctors make decisions, expect the family to implement them, but often don't probe into financial or other critical issues.
And husbands can make decisions w/o consulting the wife, who often gets stuck with caring for the husband's parents.