Both hips fused d/t arthritis. Uses walker, bends over almost 90 degrees. She fell, spent 3 hours on floor with lifeline necklace on, but didn't use it because "I thought I could get up". Has fallen twice before and takes 2 adult males to lift her. She lies about her ability to live unaided. One sister lives in PA, one in Minnesota., brother local and wife both work. Mother lies to doctor and Social worker about independence. I am retired, SSDI. , live near mother and she takes advantage of me and my retired husband. I can't deal anymore. Because she is deemed "mentally competent and a joy", they believe her over my experience with Mom. I'm at my wits end. Sister in PA is enabler, and will not come home to help, ever. I'm just frustrated and am glad I found this site. I'm tired.....
What do you think will happen if you don't let her take advantage of you and your husband anymore? Wouldn't she be forced to face the fact that she needs help? And if you don't come running, and tell her that either she accepts someone else's help or do without, what will she do?
Everyone could get mad at you if you start setting boundaries and refuse to be your mother's stepandfetchit. But you know what? SO WHAT? I do not agree with those who might say to just suck it up and let your resentment go. You have every right to be resentful! Could there be a meeting of the siblings? Can they present a united front to your mother that things needs to change? Does she have the funds to hire help?
That, FOR SURE, would be my next step. There are different types of “mentally competent”, believe it or not. My LO could converse peacefully and humorously, but had almost no short term memory or ability to plan/organize/make appropriate choices and so on. After having the evaluation done, request a WRITTEN STATEMENT of the results of her assessment.
THEN, if she IS deemed “competent” you have EVERY REASON to back off with providing help, because she will have been proven capable of managing her own affairs, OR ——- you will have justification to begin making arrangements for “help” whether she accepts OR rejects your attempts.
She may or may not be “lying” about her ability to care for herself. She may have diminished ability to predict the consequences of her actions, and THAT behavior MAY be an indication of failing cognitive processes.
Either way, you’ll be on firmer ground with getting her appropriate care moving forward.
It sounds as though none of your sibs are going to help, so forget trying to coax them, it’s just a frustrating waste of your time.
Good luck with this. If she needs to be tricked into an evaluation, consider doing that.
May I ask if your Mom has eyesight issues? It wasn't until my Mom had passed that it dawned on me that many seniors refuse help or to move because of their fading eyesight. The house they are in, they know every corner of it blindfolded and where everything is placed. Any movement of item could cause confusing, even if the caregiver was just trying to help with cleaning.
Whenever I brought over groceries, my Mom always got to the kitchen first before my Dad, as Mom wanted to put things away where she would remember where she placed them. She didn't like Dad helping, as Dad wouldn't put matching items together.
Ok, to the fall risks. Both my parents would fall. Dad more so then Mom but his falls were minor, usually tumbling over when tying his shoes. Mom's falls were major. Two trips to the ER, hospitalization. Her last major fall, she had to go live in a nursing home as she could no longer stand without falling due to head trauma on that fall.
Sadly, so many of us here on the forum had to wait for a serious illness or fall before we could get our parent into senior living or have caregivers.... [sigh]
I went through much of the same (my heart goes out to you by the way). I live out of state, and Mom is 88. We went through YEARS of trying to get her to admit she needed help, after numerous falls, major hygiene issues, problems driving. Her house looked and smelled awful, and so did she.
We tried everything -- including an intervention of sorts last summer, after another fall. She refused help at every turn. "I'm fine. You just want me to live the way you want me to."
We finally just backed off completely. We no longer argued. We no longer visited (which was heartbreaking).
Things came to a head in August, and she's now at home with HHA in place, and getting ready to transition to AL next month. She's on board, and I think she's even looking forward to this next chapter. I'm beyond grateful things came together the way they did, but it did take a significant crisis to make them happen.
Let go.
Thank God that you care about your mom's life and have helped her in the past. To avoid that overwhelmed feeling, I encourage you to read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. The authors are Christian counsellors that deal with difficult behaviors and difficult relationships. They have one version for adult children dealing with difficult parents. After reading the book, talk with your spouse about the ways you are comfortable with caring for mom and her difficult behaviors that need management. You are a team and need a plan that works in this relationship. If mom is deemed "mentally competent" by a geriatric psychologist, then back off making decisions for her. You do not need to become an enabler in her difficult behavior patterns. Maybe the best thing to do is to ask everybody in the family to take turns checking in on her daily - phone calls, visits... The goal is to keep mom safe and healthy. Happiness is a personal choice.
Balance caring about mom with caring for yourself and your other relationships. Usually, folks get burnt out when their own needs remain unmet for a long period of time. Make sure to care for yourselves: rest, diet, exercise, time with friends, time with spouse... Your needs are just as important as hers.
There are not capital letters big enough to emphasize how much.
It put me back in the driver's seat of my own life - instead of hostage at the back of the crazytown bus.
I installed NEST in my Dad's home. He too had an Alert Necklace but with his dementia, he would push the button to order his breakfast.
Anoway, with the camera, if mom takes a fall, just call the Emergency and the ambulance will go to the home and pick her up Nd it's up to your mom rather she goes to the hospital to get checked out or not.
If you don't want to run over there, leave a key hidden so the EMT can enter the home.
Only you yourself are letting your mother take advantage of you.
A. Age in Place & accept home help
B. Move into a care setting - AL or NH etc
C. Take a very long cruise
D. Decompose in place: live in filth & squalor
Ask her to try A. first. Tell her she'll be like royalty with her staff to assist her.
Or C. The cruise. You just say your goodbyes & wave her off. (Sorry it's late here & I am tired & silly...)
But seriously, if they don't work, tell her it's choice B as you care too much to see the last one happen.
Sadly reason & judgement declines. Search the forum for Anosognosia (medical term for lack of insight). Start planning for B.
What she says is part fantasy and part baloney, I don't doubt it. But she is not intentionally telling falsehoods. There are all kinds of reasons for these taratiddles, which range from giving people what she believes to be the "correct" answer, to being simply unable to process objective, factual information. The ability to sound highly plausible persists long after the person can in fact give an accurate account of events.
So, just to clarify - what was the outcome of her 3 hour lie-down?
When my mom was about 90, my sister and I split the task of calling mom each morning and night. It was a huge help to us all, ensuring her safety from falls and more, without forcing mom to give up her freedoms. Good luck!
Tell the Social Worker that she can not manage on her own and you are not available to help her.
If mom is discharged to home one of two things will happen.
1. Next fall will be fatal.
2. Next fall will injure her to the point where she will not be able to go home and she will have to go to a Skilled Nursing Facility.
(Unless you can get a doctor to determine that she is not competent before her discharge. You can then file for Guardianship and place her in Memory Care where she will be cared for in a safe manner)
So does my relative. I explained it to the social worker as like an iceberg. The tiny tip at the top above the water line was the *independence* part, the huge bulk below the water was *dependant*. But my relative could only see the tip. He thought she didn't know the rest of the iceberg even existed - Doctor later confirmed this with dx of Anasognosia.
But you can see the reality: that your Mother has moved into a dependant stage of life.
An aged care needs assessment will show her true level of needs. Where I live we have a team that specialises in this area. The questions go deeper & they've seen it all before.. Eg:
My relative's answer "yes I cook meals for myself" fell apart quickly.. within 2 mins they knew she could make toast & lived on boxed microwave junk. Same with hygiene, transport, finances.
Then it was accept help or move. Keybox was eventually installed so carer could let themselves in if door not answered.
Now she loves them & looks forward to their visits.
Send a written letter to her doctor outlining (without emotion) the ways in which she is not able to live alone without support. Give examples. Don't go on and on, simply describe (as you did in this post) her poor judgement and how it impacts her safety. Also state the degree to which you and your husband are physically able to support her. Be clear that physically lifting her is not possible.
The doctor must add your letter to her records and will, if s/he's competent, will address the issue at the next visit. In the meantime - look at your mom's finances. Can she afford to live in a community? If so, shop for one. Choose the best one she can afford.
If mom has no money, the next time she falls (unfortunately, there will be a next time), call 911, be there when they come to get her on her feet, and insist that she go to the ER to be evaluated. At the ER, make it clear to the doctor that your mother has no one at home to help her with ADLs. They cannot release her to an unsafe living environment. They should suggest a rehab stint to try to get her stronger. If they don't, you should. That will get the ball rolling. Once she has professionals evaluating her condition, she will very likely be deemed as unable to live independently. Then comes Medicaid, etc.
Get the ball rolling.