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My mom has memory issues, sun-downers, hearing issues and I think she is well into dementia. She has been in her new place, an assisted living facility and it is a great place. She was ok with it in the beginning but now is finding every way possible to hate it after about 1 1/2 months. I know it is early on but my health is suffering trying to get her settled and pleased. Her memory and confusion is worsening every day. We are planing to go South for the winter soon and I am really worried. Btw, I am an only child. My kids are great help. I worry about them while my hubby and I are gone. We are not young either and are retired. We just need a break. Am I being selfish?

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No. She just needs to adapt as most do. She probably isn't cognizant of all her issues. You could ask specifically what some of her complaints are to see if they are justified. Most or many people entering AL find alot to complain about. If the shoe were turned you would probably find reasons with her health situation to find reasons to complain about. That is not an easy path to tread but possibly one that could give you some piece of mind. How content were you with her before she entered AL? I know of situations where residents felt sure that items were stolen. My mother told me she had given me items that I then found in her room. There are often tons of complaints regarding meal times. The food is not hot enough, isn't served quickly enough, is boring and on and on. Sometimes one has to turn a deaf ear but you could listen at first and try to determine if any of her complaints are truly justified.
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When my husband & I were going to Europe after we retired his Mom said I'll probably be dead when you return. 3 months we were gone & she continued to live to be 100.
Go while you can walk, hear & talk. An idea for kids visit w grama ask her to talk about her first auto ride, first date, where met grampa, what was wedding like, first house etc & record it all. Will take her mind off negatives. Tell her what to think about for next visit. A friend did that & told about those times at her memorial. Give your worries to God. Enjoy!
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My Mom never adjusted. It got progressively worse until she only left her apartment for meals because they made her. She liked a couple of the caregivers, but most of them scared her because of their immense size (obese) and inability to communicate with her because they did not speak English. I visited her four to five times a week and took her out on the facilitiy's transportation shuttle ( I could no longer safely transfer her into my car), listened patiently to her complaints, yet felt awful as the depression got worse. I listened to her "find ways to hate it" and all the other residents there for two years. It's what we do, I guess.
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Not selfish at all. We've been told there is a magical thing at the 6 month mark for adjustment. We've also been told that family being there too much can prevent the resident from connecting and relying on the staff. Obviously, each person is different, and if dementia is involved, the rational thinking and temperament is unpredictable.
You have done the right thing having her in a safe place. You have great children, so think about whether you would want their lives to be put on hold if the tables were turned.
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Of course you're not being selfish!

Are you visiting frequently? If so, I'd advise that you cut down on the number of visits. Let several days pass between them or even a week. Let your mom get really adapted to the routines of the AL and develop some relationships. Also, ask a few of the staff how they think your mom is adjusting.

I was once having dinner with someone who was looking at our community for her mom. She kept looking over at a resident at another table who was laughing it up with five friends. I finally asked if she knew her. She said the woman was the mom of a friend and does nothing but complain to her daughter that she hates the place, has no friends, and mostly eats alone in her room.

ps – JOB ONE is protecting your own health and sanity! You need more than a break. You need a change in the steady state of things and if it means leaving your mom in good hands and limiting the amount of complaining you listen to, then do it.
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Dear Friend,
I am a health care advocate and have clients in similar situations as yours. My suggestion would be first, to contact an in-home caregiving agency. Find a good one, one that she can trust and form a good relationship with. This might help her adjust, give her something she can look forward to and a close friend she can talk to. Second, I recommend a healthcare advocate who can help your mom take care of any and all medical situations, managing her healthcare, driving to appointments, keep records of all doctor appointments and so much more. For in-home care look at Care.com. Everything you need to find a caregiver is on that website.

For an advocate just google “healthcare advocates. There are referrals there.

I hope this is useful to you!

Patricia56
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Her distress probably has more to do with your going South. My Mom is still adjusting she has good days and bad. Thankfully the staff where she is at is very in tuned when she is sad and give her lots of extra tlc. Don't beat yourself up.. all you can do is love her and do the best you can. My Dad recently passed and was really still in the hating it phase.. it was very hard. Mom has her ups and downs it very hard. I feel for you going through the same thing.
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I saw a post on Facebook the other day, it said "Take care of yourself, you cannot pour from an empty cup". You need this time, so take it. Oh, my, all sorts of "sayings" are popping into my head. Like, "That is why a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh". and “Worry never climbed a hill
Worry never paid a bill
Worry never dried a tear
Worry never calmed a fear
Worry never darned a heel
Worry never cooked a meal
Worry never led a horse to water
Worry never done a thing you'd think it oughta.”

Let your kids help out and enjoy the vacation with your hubby, we never know how long we have with our mates. OH, my, I feel another saying coming up. I think I will quit while I am ahead.
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Hello are you moving permanently or just taking vacation? I wouldn’t move permanently quite yet just make sure you visit your mother on every shift at the nursing facility that way you know fir sure what is going on and if you see son that shouldn’t be happening then call the state and ombudsmen. You never know fir sure until you go in on each shift including 3rd shift that’s what I did with my grandmother and found out she was laying in her feces and urine and it leaked through her bed
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You are not being selfish at all.  You definitely have to take care of yourself and hubby first.  I just put my 80 yr old mom into an assisted living facility beginning of October 2018.  She has mild alzheimers so she's a little different from your mom.  I do not spoil her by seeing her every day - otherwise she'll expect to see me every day and won't try too hard to make friends.  I see her once or twice a week.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. 
The sun-downing can be a big problem with her care-takers, but people in ALF know how to handle that.  The ALF should be coaxing her to join in on activities, but if your mom doesn't want to go, they certainly can't force her. 
My brother & I are thinking of putting a small camera in mom's room so that we can see how often she gets out and see how the people at the ALF are dealing with her.  Just don't make the camera too visible.   It will then send the pictures to your iphone.  The people at the ALF do fill me in as to how she is interacting - but I'm not sure if I believe them - so the camera will tell me a lot. 
Hang in there - 1 1/2 months is not a long time and each person is different.  Give it some more time and she may adjust and again, I would suggest not to visit her and/or call her every day (I know it sounds cruel, but I think this is what got my mom out of her room, and do some of the activities or to sit in the main living room with other residents.)  Your mom is going to be fine.  Go to Florida and enjoy the down time and the warm weather.  It sounds like you have wonderful children that will help out if need be.
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anonymous806474 Nov 2018
Nannycam………..
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As it's a specific issue that very much frightens Lexibrite (and possibly her mother too), just want to mention that auditory hallucinations can be a side-effect of some pain relief meds and it is worth asking the question.

Unfortunately they can be caused by many other things too, of course, and not so easy to adjust. In any case I hope something can be done to get them under control - but this is exactly the sort of ongoing care issue that grown grandchildren can manage perfectly well in your absence :)

Hugs, have you packed yet?!
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Lexi,I do have the same problem. Mom was living with me for 13 years and NEVER was happy, always depressed and narcissistic, somehow we managed this, although we did not have our life as a family, all our vacations were almost ruined or diminished because of her. I am not only child but my brother is no help. So when she starts showing huge dementia/short memory problems signs, I was trying to manage at home, but finally because she never listened to me, she finished up in a hospital with feeding tube. She was able to recover to almost the same stage as before (she is 90) but I am afraid to take her home as everything will be at the same stage quick. She can not be alone at all now. She can not eat solid food but does not listened to me and only in NH it was possible that she is eating only puree. She hates being there, although she think that I am also living there, just going to work from there...She still recognize me, but forgetting that I was there 5 minutes after my visit. The NH is not bad, but there are no perfect ones, they all consist of more likely non normal people. I am visiting almost every day, I hired a woman who is with her 3 hours per day (she is not understand English well, so this is another problem), I am crying every day at parking lot, but that's all I can do for now. if I have money to pay for 24/7 at my house I would do it immediately, but I DONT and probably will never have. Taking in account my own health problems, the situation is horrible, but no other decision can be made. And only saying to myself that NO OTHER decision can be made, I am surviving this situation. And yes, my kids, god bless them, helping a lot, if not them, I would be already dead listening every day her bad mood sentences and seeing this all NH environment. IT IS HARD. I almost wrote a whole post sorry.
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It sounds to me like she doesn't want you to go away. My 94-yr-old Mom has never been totally happy with AL, but understands that it's where she needs to be. Like anything in life, I think that AL is what your Mom makes of it. She can sit in your room all day getting depressed, or she can go out and participate in group activiites, make friends, get exercise, stay active. In my Mom's case, I realized that she needed someone there to get her to do these things, and hired care-givers to be with her for 3 hours daily (except Sundays). It's costly (well, not so much compared to cost of AL overall), but it's made a huge difference. I think the problem is that you are that care-giver, but you have your own life to live. Hire some help if you can afford it, certainly while you're away, but also while you're home during the non-winter months. It will make your life better year-round!
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You keep referring to the auditory hallucinations, even if you were there 24/7 you could do nothing about them.

STOP worrying about the things you can do nothing about. This is terrible for your health and if you are going to FL so you can worry about things you cannot change you will just be miserable in a different zip code.

As harsh as it may sound, she has had her life and time. It is your turn to enjoy the fruits of your labors. She is well cared for and it may just be that your constant presence is a hindrance to her adjusting.

Go enjoy your holiday and husband.
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Texasgal Nov 2018
Agreed - my mom is 92 and I feel like she's had her life and made her choices - none which she seemed pleased with. I live in a mobile home and it's paid for and I'm very content there. I'm single and have pretty much resigned to the fact that I'll be solo but I have quite a few friends, many interests, a good job and hobbies. I would love to live alone and come and go as I please but she's back with me again. She's 92 - still drives a little! Not sure what is down the road but I miss privacy, time to myself, having friends over for dinner/games. I know one day she will be gone and I'm sure I will miss her but we have lived together for 20 years of my adult life. I'm almost 60 and want FREEDOM! Good luck to everyone!
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She will probably never truly accept being there, but will just exist. Nothing wrong with that, as long as she is safe and taken care of.
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You have to take care of yourself. It took me having a "minor" stroke this past July to figure that out. My (90) mother consumed our thoughts, time and many, many dollars. Starting in October 2017, we had started trying to convince my mother to go to a wonderful Assisted Living location. She was not happy at home, was fearful of being there alone, yet she resisted going to Assisted Living. She started falling on purpose, we believe to stop Assisted Living from accepting her. Long story short, she broke both ankles and is now in Long Term Care. For the 100 days in rehab, she resisted and even sometimes fought the workers, with the end result of LTC. She did nothing to help herself and complained the entire time. What is dementia caused or depression or just plain stubbornness, I will never know. What I do know is the stress nearly killed me.
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You said LTC and then ALF but from what I gather she’s really in an ALF. Anyway, please don’t get yourself stressed thinking you can please her or are in charge of her happiness because that’s impossible. Of course we want them to be at peace and happy. After a move to AL and now LTC, my dad has had adjustment periods that took about 6-9 months. Dementia is a bitch and sadly their coping skills are not good. The best thing you can do is empathetic listening and not try reasoning. They don’t understand that. Do know that she will adjust.
NO...you are not being selfish. She has lived her life and is in a good place to be fed and safe. You are same age as me and if I didn’t take some time away to have a life I would have either been deeply depressed or possibly even dead by now. I’ve been ill before from the stress. It’s taken me a while to finally be ok with doing what I need to do. You must take solace knowing you’ve done your best. You will be a better daughter for getting away. Your marriage and health are a priority.
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Katsue Nov 2018
What a great response. You helped me in my situation. God bless
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News Flash! Most elderly people are not happy! If they are at home, they complain that they cannot get around and that family does not help them enough. If they live with you, they complain they are not at home and that family does not help them enough. You simply CANNOT do enough for them to appease them. I don't know any elderly person who has gone into AL and in the first week said, "Oh, I love it here." I'm sure there are those who have, I just have never met any of them.

So, stop worrying. If she is clean, fed, warm and safe, that is what matters. It usually takes at least 2-3 months for them to settle in. My elderly aunt was CRANKY when she went into AL. She refused to participate in activities, complained about the food, etc. Now she has a group she dines with, she LIVES to bowl with the wii and has a group of ladies she plays UNO with a couple of times a week. And she talks about how good the food is, especially the breakfast.
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Good for you to take a nice trip.  You deserve it.  When you get back, keep your ear to the ground as to how often the family/friends of other residents come to visit their LO at the AL facility...  

You asked how long does the adjustment to assisted living take.  For most you will likely find that the visits are few.  Perhaps weekly, some longer in between, and a few nearly every day.

While you and hubs are gone,  I suggest you  ask the kids to not call you daily and rehash the latest meltdown they witness in visits.  Thing is, she is gonna be unhappy no matter what happens at the facility.  THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT EXCEPT PRAY. 

I speak from experience...For more than ten years, my wife was in a nursing home....Stroke.  Paralyzed...Could not speak.  Yet cheerful.  I visited for breakfast and lunch and hired ladies to assist her with  her dinner and socialize every single day.  I noted that most of the 90 or so residents got very few visits from their loved ones.  I asked God for a servant's heart...He gave it to me.  My wife had a happy attitude that she would not give up.  I fed that attitude with (sometimes forced) cheerfulness.  

Your mom's condition is much different.  You need to accept life as it is.  
I am 82.  My wife died in 2017.   Since then she has been at peace and I as well.    I figure she is dancing with Jesus, or at least Abraham.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Gerip1092 Nov 2018
Very well written Bob!

My mom has been in a NH for 9 months now and she never lets me forget that she hates it. Even though, I know she does go to activities, would not be safe for her to be at home. We can only do what we can do and we can't beat ourselves up. We need to come to peace with the fact they are fed, cared for and we visit when we can. We cannot lose ourselves on the journey.
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Your mom may never be happy. Please stop tying yourself in knots trying. You made sure she is safe and taken care of which is all you can do. Go south and enjoy your time with your husband guilt free.
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Thanks for your comments. I am 64 and the hubby is 66. My mom is used to a very large home and downsizing to one room plus a bathroom was hard. Now she continues to think she should cook. The ALF provides 3 meals a day, but she says the food is bland,. but really it isn't bad at all. So my kids see their grandmother, who always did things for them, needing help and they may be overcompensating.
My relationship with mom has always been, shall we say, different. My hope is that all things will iron out, smooth out, during the time we are down south. I hope her auditory hallucinations don't get worse; that is my only big worry. Again thanks for taking the time to respond. It is very much appreciated.
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You have to look at it this way. She is safe, clean and fed. Everything is done for you and her. All her necessities are met. Toiletries, laundry, etc. My Mom was on Medicaid so I took advantage of their doctor, dentist and eye doctor. No more appts to get to. All I did was visit. I actually planned time away. Mom died before we went but did eventually go.

You and husband deserve time to yourselves. Let your girls handle visitation for now. I knew sisters that used to visit their Mom every day together. Eventually they took turns. Ask the staff to call one of the girls with any emergencies or just to tell them Mom fell but she is OK. Let ur girls decide whether its something you need to know. Enjoy your time away. One of my fears when we took care of Mom, was that something would happen to my husband and we hadn't had time to do what we wanted. We were 65 and 68 at the time caring for Mom 24/7.
Enjoy!
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lexibrite Nov 2018
Thanks for your advice. I am 64 and my husband is 66 so if we are going to be snowbirds, now is the time. We both suffer with health conditions too. I understand the fear you had of perhaps never getting to do things you planned for your retirement. I do worry about the times she has auditory hallucinations. They can be very horrifying for her. My daughter says just go and they will handle it. My son lived with his grandma for months before we moved her. That was rough on him. Anyway, thanks again, Just knowing others understand the situation is helpful.
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Time change possible colder and snowy weather, no wonder she may be miserable.
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Hi Lexibrite.

I'm not going to be so rude as to guess your age, but if your mother is 94 and you and your husband are in need of a break, you are not being selfish if you take it.

I also don't mean this to be rude, but there you are trying everything you can think of to get your mother settled and content - and it's worse than it was. Ironically, your taking a break may be the most helpful thing you can do.

As long as you are confident that the ALF really is a good place, and seeing as your children are helpful and can act as liaison while you're away, then go.

Have you talked to the children about what you'd like them to do in your absence? Are they sharing the workload fairly, are they happy to step in?
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