A new behavior has popped up with my 95-year old mother. She doesn't want me to go to work. She is asking me to stay home or come home early. This morning she was practically in tears as a left for work. We have an aide from 9:00 - 1:30 and while they don't have much conversation, she's not alone all day. I get home no later than 6:00 p.m. and I live with her so that I'm there all night. I'm home all weekend with her, leaving only to run errands. Last night when I was making dinner she kept repeating, "I'm so glad your here." She kept touching my arm as if I were going to disappear. I comprehend these are likely related to dementia, but how can I help her with this or deflect? I'm likely to retire in early 2024, but I need a bit of air and to help her not feel so sad and miserable all the time.
There must be some separation between the two of you. For your own good too. As for her refusing to have her meds adjusted. Talk to her doctor about ways to give her anti-anxiety meds without her even knowing about it. Tell him what's going on and that you fear it will soon develop into a shadowing habit, and you will not be able to care for her if that happens. He'll help you out.
Think of it like this. When a baby or child gets upset and cries because their parent has to leave them to go to work does the parent quit their job? When the child demands candy for supper, does the parent give in because the child will get upset if they don't?
No, because they have to go to work to survive. The child has to go to school. Like a child, the elderly person who is getting clingy has to be separated for periods of time too. For their own good.
If you don't correct this behavior now and put some separation between you and your mother she will form a shadowing habit and if you think she's clingy now, wait until you have to start taking her into the bathroom with you because she freaks out if you get up to pee without her.
Please, put her in adult day care a few hours a day on the week-ends when you're home.
Maybe u should length the time an aide is there. Dementia time is different than our time. 5 min can seem like an hour to them. An hour all day. You could be with her all day and leave for a little while and she may say you have been gone all day. They have no perception of time.
Do not change what you are doing. You need time to yourself.
Plus there is probably some fear and anxiety when she's there all by herself even if it's only for 4 1/2 hours or so.
And of course with any of the dementias there can be shadowing which typically is short lived, but can be quite frustrating for the one being shadowed.
I know that when my husband went through it(thankfully it didn't last long)I believe that he just wanted to know that I was near as he felt safer when I was.
Just reassure her that you're there and that she is safe.
Absolutely do not pander to this behavior because it will only get worse.
The OP can give her mother anti-anxiety meds without her even knowing. She should talk to her mother's doctor about how to do this.