I've lived with my grandma for most of my life and recently turned eighteen in February. She takes care of her self, handles her own bills, and even takes care of my uncle who has brain damage. I just stay there for a week and my boyfriends house for a week, mainly because she will miss me when I go to college. I recently got my permit and we were running late for a dentist appointment and had to drive on the interstate for the first time. When I got to the doctors office I did say "shes so stupid" because she ignored me for a broken phone for most of the car ride which put us in danger several times then preceded to give me directions some of which were bad and some of which were good. Someone reported me for "elderly abuse" because I called her stupid and an idiot and looked "generally angry". Of course I was my brother died in a car accident. I normally don't say anything bad to my grandma but I was stressed and her actions could have us killed. Anyways I'm eighteen, I'm no caregiver. I handle no finances, heck I even pay rent (aka the electricity bill). I clean my room and she cleans the rest of the house. Am I not allowed to say anything bad about my grandma anymore? Anyways, I'm not a care giver. The law says "a caregiver".
Even if an investigation is started I'm certain it will never go beyond the initial stages (unless there is more you are not telling us), I think most of us on this site could be locked away if they were throwing people in jail for a few nasty comments!
Yep we all say stupid stuff at times - nobody's perfect. Chalk it up to a learning experience.
But that doesn't make it right to call your grandmother "stupid", whether in public or not.
Lesson learned. Don't worry. You love your grandmother and will probably not react that way again.
Good luck in your senior year!
You were very rude. One can understand why. It's not okay, but it's not going to be put right either by being blown out of proportion. Apologise to your grandmother and let that be the end of it. And leave more time for car journeys - as people get older, everything just does take longer and that's just how it is. I sympathise with your stress.
I know you only said those words due to stress and frustration. One incident of blurting out the wrong words won't get you into trouble for elder abuse. I know you love your grandmother and it was not intentional. Please apologize to your grandmother and do not let this stop you for continuing to see her and help her. We all do things we regret. We learn, we say sorry and we move on.
The difference is, when it's a child or an elder, it's reportable, because they are vulnerable populations.
I take it that you have been contacted by APS.
When they come to the house to interview you and grandma, separately, I assume that you will be contrite and not make excuses for your behavior.
I assume that grandma will say that she's not being verbally abused by you.
APS will then close the case and you will have learned a valuable lesson about not letting your emotions rule your behavior. It's a life lesson, and one well learned at 18.
This kind of stress is too much for me at 55 ! I have not had outbursts ever with my dad but that doesn't mean I don't want to... I am on the edge of it though and recognized it so yesterday I gave up being his POA.
My husband is taking over .
It was certainly rude and grandma should receive an apology, but It is questionable whether or not she is a vulnerable adult. She is certianly elderly and lives with your uncle who is brain damaged and takes care of her own business.
granma was certainly stupid in giving you directions that were confusing and could have endangered you both.
You mentioned that you had just recieved your permit so I assume you still need a licensed adult to ride with you.
Gosh if anyone heard my husband he would spend the rest of his life in jail.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop worrying and get ready for the school year you are a responsible caring adult.
My explosion was any time my 90+ year old Dad would say he was going to start driving again..... NOOOOO.... so we went around and around about how dangerous this was, and that how he could lose his house and all his savings if he was the cause of a serious accident. I could feel my voice getting higher and higher. I was so stressed I was shaking.
Then there were times when my Dad had a serious illness and Mom didn't like that there was this recliner in Dad's hospital room, she wanted it moved out. I explained to her this was for Dad so he could sit up during the day. She still wanted it moved. I was already stressed due to the situation and I said "Mom, this isn't about you".
All my life I never raised my voice or even had a bad row with my parents.... it didn't start until they become so elderly, refused to move from that unsafe house [stairs], refused to have caregivers, refused to have cleaning crews, etc. When you lose a lot of sleep due to an elder, it isn't easy to think straight.
This 18 y/o is a child. We don't know her circumstances.
Yes what she did was terrible and let's hope it doesn't happen again.
I hope her grandma forgives her & if GM can do so, let's hope the 18 y/o learned a lesson and allow her to move on.
The main thing that's strikes me is that this young girl reached out here at AGING CARE for advice!! "18" IS an adult but still VERY young. Don't know if too many 18s around me that search the net on places like AC.
Maybe gma is stressed too...
Your behavior at the time gave the office staff a bad impression of you and maybe they felt concern for grandma. Next time, take a deep breath, calm down and then proceed. If you act inappropriately, apologize and explain your behavior. Perception is everything today. I would apologize to grandma and just learn from your mistakes.
If APS does call, be honest and tell the truth. I was accused of elder abuse. APS came out, investigated the matter and saw that mom was well taken care of. We all make mistakes. If you are normally good to grandma, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.
If this was reported, it will be a brief interview as you explain t h e circumstances. Remain calm during interview, keep only to topic. Don't blowup on gm
And it seems to me that Lindabf's words are thoughtful and helpful, to a young person, for there is a shift in perception that we need to go through, from focusing on what we feel is bad in our lives and complaining without thought - to looking for ways to show more positives and work on our routines and respect - that can help change communication patterns and really help us fit in elsewhere.
But I cry for the widespread lack of focus on the importance of communication from young to old, while so much focus is only on blame of the young or outcasts for the style, without affirming the value of the apology, AND a conversation that gives explanations and intentions on both sides, and maybe setting new boundaries with respect.
Strikes me that grandma was not paying attention, when she was in the role of the agreed upon accompanied person for a new driver, who said she was nervous because the interstate was a new challenge.
It also strikes me that Naenae asked for some of the confusion by being late for the appointment - which adds stress and less time to try to communicate what you need, and less time to tell grandma that you are pretty nervous going on the interstate for the first time. With more awareness, you could ask her explicitly, to set the phone down during this ride, and if she refuses, pull over to the side and stop and say, please, I'm very nervous here, I want your help for the next part of the ride.
I had to raise my youngest brother, born with brain injury, into adulthood. And the whole world, particularly of women, was ready to fear him and diagnose him, forgive him, or talk endlessly to him about the error of his ways for his explosive temper, or call the police if he acted belligerent.
Yes, I saw that was a lesson he needed to learn. I demanded explicitly in many forms, sometimes written, sometimes on the phone or in public where I would have no risk of his temper, taught him that he needed to talk to me in a respectful way. He improved, but he had years of prior forgiveness to unlearn - and bad habits of being able to have seizures or threaten them, if people were not listening to him. I had to teach him this might gain people's attention, but this method hurt him and did not help others trust him or learn about him. So he would drop out of most places, for he had no method to learn to talk and listen.
He improved slowly but gradually, so I kept defending him, even if he would slip at times - but he learned to stand back farther at least.
And it helped for me to learn to end conversations simply, if he was triggered. Not try to push a conversation when feelings are high. Recognize that he was anxious and upset, and step back from trying to teach him anything in that moment. My lessons could wait, and we learned lots from each other later, when I asked him to talk.
In our after conversations, I discovered that at times, I'm insensitive, talk too much. He would usually apologize for "over-reacting" but I'd ask what had bothered him - and ask about specific actions or words that led up to his outburst. In that conversation, I learned so much more about how I might rush in a conversation.
By listening to him after those moments, I learned about how he found it confusing and challenging to juggle different goals set by different adults - and many gave him conflicting suggestions.
I did kept the focus on helping him learn social skills, but by being curious about what was going on for him - and making time to address this later, I learned about him what help I could offer and how to encourage him. Both parties perhaps, and yes, set boundaries that clarify signals. But do more than focus only on the reprimand for explosive behavior - yes that needs to stop and there should be consequences - minor ones, short lived, but making the point explicit.
But also take action to talk about feelings, so that both parties can learn that people are good, and different people trying to manage tasks together is complicated, both struggling with a complicated world that is confusing and demanding, often blind, unfair, mean and deceiving, many different messages for the young to assess. Make time for the after-conversation to clarify why those feelings arose - it can help you both know each other more and show you care.
And, Naenae, I agree too: shape up from being so rude, both in public and at home, find ways to just say, "I can't talk with you now, I'm too upset" and step away. Say words that explain what action was upsetting - not use general put-downs that show negativity in broad ways that clarify nothing the other can recognize except your feelings. Feelings don't explain themselves, you have to do that.
It's important to have a conversation that tells grandma, that if she will be the adult riding with you, and you are grateful if she does - but you need her to pay attention, not be on a phone. I'd guess she'll agree - it sounds as if you have a longstanding relationship of care and love between you - a precious value, worth getting it better. If she seems not to be able to agree to not use the phone, especially when you ask - then say, until you are more confident, you need someone who helps you if you ask.