Hello, I am at my wits end with my brother and his family. My brother, his wife, his adult daughter and her child all live with my 77 yr old father. They have lived with him and his wife for close to 30 yrs and have never paid rent. His wife died in December and he lost both her incomes so he has very little to live on but enough for him only. I finally after much heated arguments got them to agree on $300 each which would give dad $900 a month from them for rent. However this only lasted a few months and now they are not paying or saying they did pay and dad forgot ( they did not pay as I deposit all rent money). Dad is stressed but doesn't like to push and when I push we all fight and dad gets mad at me for creating chaos. I am Dad's POA but not sure what I can do about this? Also they trash the house it's a pig stye daily. I have been going out since my step mother passed in December 5 days a week cleaning and organizing. It's an everyday job with all of them leaving messes and dogs pooping and peeing all over ( their dogs ). It's been 8 months and I am exhausted and get no compensation for cleaning up after them. I get there at 10am and leave between 5 and 7pm sometimes as late as 9:30pm and the next day I come back the house is trashed again. And now my nephew ( my brother's son ) has decided to stay at dad's with his big huge dogs sleeping on the couch making more of a mess and I am getting no answer as to when he is leaving. I am at a loss on what to do. I can't handle the constant arguing with them it really takes a toll on me and dad.
Suggestions? Please
This isn’t an argument you can win, unless you can implement the POA over your father’s head, and live with the family consequences. However you can win by stopping what you do to prop it all up. Leave it to get in a complete mess for a month, then call APS about your father’s situation. Let APS be the ones to say that he needs to sell the house, and move to somewhere with adequate care. You may need legal help further on the track, but while you prop up the whole thing, nothing is going to change.
If you explain in advance to your father that this is your only option, it's even possible that he might make a stand himself - perhaps after two or three weeks when he sees that you are serious. Don't argue with him or any of them, just do it,
There are four adults living in that house, five if the nephew qualifies, and it's an arrangement that your father has been accepting for decades - so certainly long before he can have developed any mental incapacity issues. Why are you the visiting housekeeper, and how did this become your mess to sort out?
If I were you I think I'd resign my POA and stay out of it. Why should you accept responsibility for a situation you didn't create and can't control?
I mean, Dad *could* move somewhere new.. on his own.. then sell his house - IF he wanted, right? Extreme way to rid oneself of tennants, sure, but has been done before.
Or is the Dementia &/or Parkinson's (as mentioned in profile) at a level to make him unable to. If so, if his care needs are not being met - report to APS as a vulnerable adult.
You can also contact the lawyer who drafted your father’s POA to establish your current legal status, and if advised by that person, pull your father out and place him in an AL or MC near you.
The important pieces seem to be getting your father out and getting HIS value out of HIS property.
Your father is clearly in an unsafe setting, and safety MUST become your only focus. Are you sure that your daily efforts are not at this point serving to perpetuate the terrible injustice towards your father?
Work to get him out, get whatever value you can get from his real estate, and stop dealing with the messes.
No wonder this is taking a toll on you. YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT in this. TAKE A STAND, and give yourself the credit for doing it.
You and your father deserve better.
Has Dad been formally diagnosed with Dementia. If so, unless POA is immediate, you will need a doctor or two (read ur POA) to put that in writing so ur POA is in effect. Once you do that, if Dad has no assets other than his monthly income of SS and maybe a pension, apply for Medicaid and get him into LTC (Longterm Care Facility).
His house will be considered an exempt asset as will one car. Since brother has been living there all these years, Medicaid will probably allow him to remain but...brother will not have Dads income because that goes towards Dads care in the LTC facility. So, brother now will need to pay all the bills on the house. Taxes too. If still a Mortgage that too. If he defaults, on the Mortgage and taxes the house will be either taken back by the bank or sold at Sheriffs sale to cover delinquent taxes. But Dad will be safe, clean and cared for.
You are just beating your head against a brick wall trying to change what Dad allowed all these years. Your POA gives you responsibility for Dad. So use your energy on Dad finding him a decent place to be cared for.
Enough is enough & the gravy train has just dried up.
Best of luck.
Did your stepmother do this? Is that why she died?
And yes, the question of the day (other than why are you doing this) is -- is your father legally mentally incompetent? Because if he is, then he is choosing to live this way, and you should remove yourself entirely from the situation.
They never had to work because my step mom paid for everything now dad says he didnt kno but of course he did i mean how could he not? None of them worked so how did they have has money or get clothes take vacations etc. Of course dad knew. Im just trying to help dad but i guess I am just enabling everyone. And exhausting myself in the meantime.
Keligrl, are the replies as you had expected? Or wildly different?
Has anything changed - the situation or your thoughts?
. So do I need to get a lawyer for this POA? I had tried to get him to an estate attorney but he refuses. The will is just signed by him no witness nothing just a signed and dated will i had him do since he didnt have anything and he does own a home but has 130,000 in mortgages on it.
Hope that explains things better.
I havnt been out there for 3 days. I was too stressed out and needed to take a break.
Also None of them kno I am dads poa and aps was called a few months back. They came out once and we havnt heard from them since.
It can really help to get some perspective.
I think your next moves could include getting some specific professional advice on;
1. Medical, especially competency.
2. Legal, especially re POA
Regarding Dementia: it is an umbrella term, covering many types of conditions causing cognitive deficits.
Alzheimer's Disease is the most common type. While it is good Dad has been cleared of that progressive disease, the bad news is Parkinson's Disease is also progressive. It brings cognitive changes (& often dementia too) along with the more widely recognisable physical symptoms eg shuffle walk, stiffness, shaking.
Taking Dad to see his regular Doctor to discuss his new disgnosis in full, to arrange a needs assessment & obtain a short cognitive screening test may indicate what level he is currently at. Frame it all under *concerns* & wanting better care for him.