My mother is a nurse who has abused alcohol for over 40 yrs. I have spent many years in recovery from some of the emotional and psychological abuse I experienced in childhood and adulthood. I have an older brother, who was enabling her addiction. I have learned to hold a very compassionate, loving , boundaried space with my family, and I have been in an almost 20 year relationship with a healthy person and we have a child together. There are many times over the years when I have considered cutting off all contact with my mother due to ongoing abuse and toxic dysfunction. I’ve watched as my mom has completely isolated herself and burned bridges with all of her family members. Many people have tried to help her and she’s in complete denial about her alcoholism, depression, and continues to demonstrate pretty classic narcissistic behavior. In the last few years, she has slowly lost mobility, and now is completely unable to walk. She has refused to go to the doctor or seek medical attention, despite having several falls in public places where an ambulance was called. I’m pretty sure my Therapist filed an APS report based on what I shared and I consented to it. The APS report did absolutely nothing because she refused services. After my mom completely lost mobility and my brother found her sitting on her couch for weeks unable to move, we decided to call welfare check at the request of her doctor who my brother got in touch with. During the welfare check they decided to 5150 her based on her condition, which was beyond unsanitary and unhealthy. The psychiatrist at the hospital cleared her within five minutes because she was still able to coherently answer some of his questions, and refused medical assessment. The system really failed her, every single fire fighter, and the social worker at the hospital agreed my brother and I did the right thing and she needed to be hospitalized. Since then, I have returned back to my Al-Anon support and have decided to continue building my life filled with peace and loving community. My mom still contacts me occasionally with text messages. She’s recently required and requested my son visit her, but I made it clear to her we would not be visiting because her place is unsanitary and unsafe, and of course I am protecting him from the trauma he will experience in her home and/or abuse. My brother finally stopped giving her alcohol, but is dropping food off at her house once a week. She is still completely unable to move off the couch and uses the toilet in bags. Out of nowhere this week, she threatened to call 911 when I didn’t pick up the phone… Doesn’t matter what I was doing, I was taking a walk with my son -doing something healthy! Her abuse began again, and she proceeded to call me 13 times leaving voice messages, threatening to take legal action to see my son. She called my husband incessantly, and he finally picked up and lovingly told her that we would not be visiting her until she got help. After that, she sent me several text messages, threatening to take legal action to see my son. Of course, here I am again experiencing abuse, and I finally decided to block her number. I’m remembering the mother who used to be joyful and it was very caring present for me many times during my childhood. I don’t know what’s going to happen to her. We have done everything we can including getting APS involved , absolutely nothing has changed. Now she’s an elderly woman unable to walk, sitting in her own feces, and still refusing to seek medical attention. Her mind is going as well. I grieve the possibility I will never have a loving exchange with her before she dies. My brother is now concerned she’s going to run out of money and get evicted-he is unwilling to take her in. I have not consulted with a lawyer yet, but I don’t know what her options are if this happens. Any experience with this?
“I grieve the possibility I will never have a loving exchange with her before she dies.”
Yes, to an outsider it seems unlikely. I am so sorry. This is tragic and devastating. 😞
“My brother is now concerned she’s going to run out of money and get evicted-he is unwilling to take her in.”
Omg, of course he shouldn’t take her in! I hope both you and your sibling are firm about not doing that. She is beyond home care by anyone, let alone the adult children she’s traumatized over the years!
It’s late now in the US but I hope others chime in later with ideas and perspectives. One quick thought I’m having is that you sure were unlucky with the psychiatrist involved with the 5150 attempt. Would another attempt be worth trying?
And even if they did, I would continue to call them until they finally step up and do their job. Remember it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease and you can't force someone to get help. They have to want it for themselves. But I'm glad to hear that you're taking advantage of Al-Anon as that is so very helpful when one is dealing with an alcoholic loved one.
Until your mother gets help it is best that you and your brother keep your distance and keep your boundaries. And perhaps when and if your mother hits rock bottom she may then and only then ask for help from the appropriate people.
But in the meantime, I would call APS at least every other day and occasionally even call the police to do a wellness check on her until someone in authority steps up to try and help her.
I think you are doing the right thing by keeping boundaries to keep yourself, your son and husband safe from more trauma.
When you have a little space from the immediate crisis, I recommend the memoir Never Simple by Liz Scheier. She was an only child who grew up with a mentally ill mother in NYC. Her mother eventually was evicted once Liz was grown up, married, with kids.
I feel for you!! And am glad that you have a brother and that it sounds like you and he are more or less aligned. Does he (or someone) have control over her financial assets? Is someone paying her rent or mortgage, utilities, and taxes? Taking out the trash? Does she live in an apartment building or a standalone house? If an apartment building, I can imagine she is endangering the well being of her neighbors. The building could also call APS and I think a court could then appoint a “guardian ad litem” who could make decisions and consult professionals on her behalf, I am guessing including having her assessed for mental illness and/or placed in a SNF. If for some reason she didn’t qualify for that (though based on your description she surely would) then I think a homeless shelter?
I can imagine that any of this would greatly exacerbate her mental illness at least in the short term. But longer term let’s hope the authorities manage to stabilize her and address her urgent problems. Best wishes to you!
Keep blocking her number and maintaining your boundaries. She is a black hole of need that you've already thrown down valuable emotional energy, time and resources. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't have her recovery for her.
I agree with others to keep calling APS until she is "bad enough" and then they will manage her case and get her a court-assigned third party legal guardian who will then do all her care and manage all her decisions. You can visit her all you want (or not at all). This is a solution available to you but you have to accept it as such.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you defend your boundaries.
Make that call and make it clear that you will not care for her.
"My mother is a nurse who has abused alcohol for over 40 yrs".
I knew then, what I had to say here. HOWEVER, you then added:
1. She's abusive and always was
2. She's being enabled by other family members
3. She's now unable to walk, incontinent, confused, and refusing medical attention.
Do we have experience with this on this Forum? Oh, my yes. Stick around and read.
This isn't something you caused. Rather it is something you were victimized by. You can't fix this; I would stake money this isn't going to BE fixed. Your mother will, after 40 years, almost certainly die of it.
So we come down with to YOU, my concern. Because your mom made her choices and they have likely resulted in alcoholic encephalopathy. So.....
For you:
1. In all this time I would bet you have been to Al Anon? Go BACK there and don't leave them ever. That's where you will find support and guidance and learn there is very little that can be done for your mother, and you are the last one to be able to do it.
2. Call APS for mother. Tell them that you have no intention of helping her, intervening for her, or being POA or any other contact for her, but that at this point she is unsafe on her own, sitting in feces, mentally broken by alcohol and helpless.
Sorry. That's about it. Other than repeating over and over the serenity prayer. Move away from this. Your mom has sadly essentially killed herself, and there wasn't ever a thing that you could have done about it but attempt to survive.
Please protect yourself. I am so terribly sorry, but there is hope and health ahead for you if you choose it.
She is not your problem to solve. Have everyone block her… DH DS etc.
I would also suggest you limit contact with your brother.
She should get evicted because it sounds like she is ruining her rental.
Do not give any time or brain space to her. She is going out how she wants to go out.
Let her call 911. That is no big deal for you.
If the rent is being paid I would suspect at some point the landlord would do an inspection and then upon seeing her call 911 and Mom would be sent again to the ER. She does not seem pulled together enough to qualify for Section 8 housing nor Senior Housing which she may be too young for which leaves SNF.
We had somewhat of a similar situation in my family. A social worker called my sister as my brother was passed out on the street in Colorado (age 50). He went to 2 hospitals to detox. The county social worker told us he could not live on his own due to the Warnicke Korsakoffs and needed to be in a SNF but she said these were hard to find for 50 year old men.
The county social worker really pressed my sister, my Dad, and me to become his guardian.
All of us refused for various reasons. I think the county became in charge of him.
The lawyer thing was kind of weird. My Dad wanted my brother to have a lawyer. The 3 family members paid for and hired a lawyer. The problem with the lawyer was that the lawyer could not represent my brother as he had not hired or paid for the lawyer, rather the lawyer would only be representing the other 3 family members. We ended up dropping the lawyer.
He passed away 3 years later in a low end motel in Las Vegas surrounded by liquor bottles.
I'd recommend reading up on Warnicke Korsakoffs. If your Mom has been drinking for decades she probably has some of that going on.
I'm sorry you and your brother are going through this.
Agree with the other posters that I would not take your son to Mom in this condition.
Typo, I meant to say If the rent is not being paid