My dad blames me for everything to everybody. He holds so much anger and verbally lashes out at me at every visit. He keeps telling me I need to fix things that can’t be fixed. He thinks he needs me to take him to the doctor to fix his:
-“concussion” (Alzheimer’s)
-"carpal Tunnel” (permanent nerve damage from cellulitis)
-“broken legs” (he's had knee replacements 3 times)
-replace all teeth with implants instead of getting fillings
He’s constantly wanting to go shopping (he’s an obsessive shopper and hoarder but already has everything he needs). I have taking him shopping for shoes and clothing.
He wants to:
-move back to his home that’s over 2 hours away with nobody to care for him,
-Drive his fancy car and golf cart in parades.
He keeps taking things apart in his room:
-took coaxial off of new TV
-takes batteries out of hanging clock
-moves furniture around
-rearranges closet
-rearranges dresser drawers
-folds dirty clothes before putting in hamper
The list goes on and on and repeats itself with every visit. Diversion agitates him even more. “I’m too angry to eat!”, “I don’t want to go for a walk or do anything with you!”, “where have you been?”.......
I love my dad and feel the need to check in with his care providers almost daily, but I'm finding myself not wanting to visit him.
The doctor has already prescribed medication and it does seem to help a little bit with hand wringing, rocking and teeth grinding. How can I make our visits more meaningful and less painful?
I used to try redirecting and changing the subject. It was all negative either to me, my home, or about the neighbors and relatives he all "disliked". It is the dementia, which does amplify a cantankerous personality, but when you are the victim, it is still horrible to take. It got so bad, I used to get panic attacks on the way home. In fact, one time, my blood pressure got so bad it scared me and I drove directly to the local clinic to get help.
Here is what I did....I decided that I needed to care for my own mental health. I would put a "worry stone" in my pocket. When he started in, I would hold the stone, count slowly to 20, breath in and out through my nose, and try to remain calm, not really absorbing his rant. I was able to patiently visit for around 15-30 minutes. When loop 2 of his standard complaining started, I would say, "look at the time, got lots to do, hope you have a great week".
Lots of good advice here....stay sane....hang in there.....take care of you.
Dad: Car needs taken into the shop
J : OK Dad, will take it tomorrow
Next day
Dad: Did you take the car to the shop
J : Yes Dad, they are working on it today
Next Day
Dad: Did u pick up the car
J : Yes Dad all fixed
Dad: Good
You may have to learn to play along. Nothing you can do about him rearranging stuff and things. My Mom used to take clean clothes and throw them in the dirty clothes basket. Asking them not to do it will not help. I agree to cut your visit time down when he gets started.
you visit less often for a while since Your Dad is being well Cared for and You need a rest from that agrivation. Play along with You Dad. Ignore all the strange habits and look
after number one here Yourself.
I think Mincemeat's worry stone is genius.
If that doesn't help, staying away and giving him time to get through this phase is a reasonable option, to try at least. It could even be that your presence triggers or exacerbates his agitation; you can only find out by seeing what happens when you haven't been there for a while.
there is a little book I recommend you get...called Loving Hard to love Parents by Paul Chafetz. He is a psychologist who counsels adult children like us. He has great tips.
Just quietly take away things that might cause him to hurt himself, or that he is destroying.
Think of how you would treat a child under 3 years old. Try to spend more happy time with him. It sounds like he wants to see you. It's ok just to sit with him for a while and tell him that he was a good father and you love him.
Redirecting her is a joke. There is no comforting her, no reassuring her. I can't get away to another room because I need to keep an eye on her. Sometimes I put on my noise cancelling headphones and listen to music. I am also going to follow Mincemeat's worry stone idea.
If I had the choice, I would limit visits to a couple of times a week for no more than an hour. We are caretakers, not punching bags. We have the right to our own lives. We know they can't help their behavior, but that doesn't mean we have to take it. Right now, I am doing everything I can to take care of my mother, but I'm also doing more and more to save myself.
Your thoughts echo mine. Fortunately, I don't live with Mom, so I'm spared a great deal. Even so, one phone call with her; one brief visit feels like exposure to toxic waste. I care for her, but I care for myself, too, and limit my exposure. No one understands the psychic pain, the mental and physical exhaustion that caregivers experience, except for the caregivers.
1) work with his doctor on medications that can improve his mood. There may or may nor be something that will help. My mother states she is miserable/unhappy, hurting here and there, doesn't want pureed food, and so on. The staff are working with her doctor to find treatments that will help. So far, at this phase of her disease, they have been unsuccessful. but it is worth trying. Meds helped her delusions earlier in this disease.
2) Visit less. My experience over our lifetime is that mother will be unhappy whether I am there or not. It is how she is and always has been, She focuses her unhappiness on me or on others. If I am not around as much she focuses less on me, and also it is easier on me because I don't experience the difficulties as often. When, during a visit, she gets too difficult, I leave - not in a huff, I just quietly go, "Gotta go, see you later." I think by visiting less often you have a better chance of breaking the loop. Good luck!
I now can answer the same questions in a way which she can accept and not get angry, depressed or get high blood pressure from her anxious state. I also now have learnt to only visit 2 times each week, and no more than 3 on special holidays. It is not easy to stay away, but I also have to take care of myself at almost 70! I have no children to later take care of me...so I have to do that right now!
"Typically, each plan encompasses several key elements to reverse inflammation, insulin resistance and destruction of vital brain structures."
They include getting enough sleep every night, frequent yoga and meditation to relieve stress, aerobic exercise for 30 to 60 minutes at least 5 times a week, brain training exercises 3 times a week, eating a mostly plant-based diet, drinking plenty of water and eliminating gluten and sugars.
One of the stories included was of a person developing Alzheimers who was able to completely reverse the disease and remain symptom free. The "holy grail" of finding a pill to pop may never be successful. I recommend reading the article "Alzheimer's Under Attack", by Linda Marsa for a more complete understanding of what I am referencing.
When my friend with frontal temporal dementia would not let anyone work with her, I was advised to take her to a geri-psych ward in a hospital to find an anti-psychotic drug that would calm her down without doping her up. It took them 3 weeks to find the right drug and dosage, all paid for by her insurance. She was calm and happy after that until she passed away. Perhaps something like that could be tried to help get him through this most unpleasant stage.
I had similar situation getting blame for being in care,complaints about everything.
I now visit twice weekly on days that suit me.
I don't ask him anything or tell him anything. If he starts I make an excuse or say i am not discussing that and leave .it's kind of worked. Not perfect but bearable. Speak about films,the war,what happened years ago and current news.
He's got a lady friend which may be helping. That's about to end as she is being moved to another unit due to them not following rules and behaving like children. Locking themselves in toilet!!
Think I am supposed to object but don't. All a bad behaviour ploy. He thinks he will be put out. The poor lady is being manipated to his needs. He is going nowhere.
When you go, arrive for visits with something to "do.". Maybe ask him to help you identify people in some old photos (be sure to agree with him no matter who he says it is). If that riles him up, maybe put out an easy puzzle and ask him to help you with it. Try to find something that will take his brain away from complaining and blaming.
The minute his anger starts to flare and he starts in on you, even if it's after only a few minutes, announce, "Oh, look at the time! I told _____ that I'd be home 20 minutes ago." AND LEAVE. Don't make it a threat ("I'm leaving if you don't stop hounding me."). There's nothing to be gained by that. Just be merrily on your way.
Good luck! I feel your pain.
And someone saying their loved one gets all ramped up and manic when they don’t get enough exercise was helpful. My Dad walks all day up and down the halls. He is ramped up now because Christmas is coming.
It just helps to think of this as a stage and that it will someday end.
It has been going on for about 40 or 50 years though, before dementia. This is exactly like he was when drinking.
I like to think of us all as brothers and sisters with love for an impossible person.
He is demanding, uncooperative, and is perpetually fixated on some little thing in his apartment that he wants to “fix” (the outlet is not straight, there’s a gap under the patio door, there’s an extension cord that’s visible behind the tv) all while he has not showered in about 3 months.
My advice- if your dad is causing stress in your life, then the his caregivers deal with him! Take a step back and let him miss you. Otherwise, you’re going to end up like me with a multitude of stress related physical ailments. As long as your dad is not throwing the aides out, you’re good!!! Accept the idea that they are there to make sure he’s safe and healthy..... and take care of yourself! Drop the guilt. Your dad is NOT making your life easy, and he’s not capable of changing his behaviors in his present condition. Alzheimer’s and dementia have a way of making our loved ones unrecognizable, and difficult to deal with. Let go of the idea that he will go back to the way he was... and look ahead to how you’re caring for YOU! He already has people taking care of him!!