Am I a horrible person and am I asking my brother for too much?

I agree 100% with your daughter, she is right, you would end up being miserable, and you would be exhausted. Both you and your brother are under a lot of stress because of your Mom, and it's better having that stress from a distance than be face to face with it. Plus there is the major issue with the two dogs getting along, if at all, if you decide to live with Mom, which someone will need to do eventually.

At this point in time, since your brother rather be the main Caregiver, let him be. Agree with everything he says or wants to do, unless he ask directly for your advice or help with a matter. That way there will be less resentment on both sides. Also, it sounds like your brother is starting to become burnt out spending his weekends with Mom. It will only get worse.

But whatever you do, please don't move.

I agree with freqflyer. Your brother sounds like he has a pretty good grasp on the caregiving except the dog issue. He may feel that things you say are criticizing the way he is scotch-taping things together. I would recommend that you follow his lead and help him where he needs help. The dog issue is a major one that will lead to nothing but trouble. I feel bad for the dog, who needs his own caregiver to feed him right, walk him, and take him out to poo. Dogs don't want to live the way he is living. He isn't being given better option. Poor fellow.

Sounds like your mom IS being taken care of. Sounds like your services aren't wanted by your brother who's been doing the heavy lifting for some time now. Back off.

Sorry, but it's way too easy for out-of-town family to criticize. If your brother wants your help, be available. If not, and you don't think mom is being neglected? Let it go.

This has nothing to do with the dog and everything to do with a power struggle. If it was all about the dog? You'd make your decision, go there and take care of the dog yourself.

Call her every day . . . visit when you can.

You will not be able to make either Mom or your brother happy. Don't go. He may not realize he is driving you away if he is so burned out and irritable he can't even listen to you, OR he WANTS to play martyr at your expense. It sounds like rather than a reasonable discussion you will simply and straightforwardly have to tell him you cannot take care of Mom on his terms, and if he wants it his way or the highway, he makes other arrangements. The kind of stress this would impose could do you in if your heart is in bad shape.

You do realize that getting rid of a sick, mean or misbehaving old dog means euthanasia...there is no way they can agree to that if they love that dog.

Help financially instead as much as you are reasonably can.

Thanks everyone that has provided me feedback, so far. Gives me a lot to think about. As for the dog, no he would not be euthanized my sister-in-law knows a family that dog sat him once when they took my mom to a ball game and they were going to be gone for a long time (my mom refused to crate him) and they stated they would love to have him whenever the time came that my mom could no longer take care of him. My brother says the dog gives my mom something to do all day. I agree it does give her something to do all day letting him in and out even when he doesn't want to go out, she makes him go, but I feel so sorry for this dog. You can tell that the dog is not overly fond of my mom (used to be my dad's dog until he passed this past Dec) he doesn't mind her, he won't sit next to her on the sofa or chair. When I visit he wants to sit in my lap and you can tell it makes my mom jealous. She can't remember his name so she says "com'n mere" over and over, but he just stays next to me or sits in my lap. When he looks at my mom it is like him saying not again or just leave me alone. I think that my brother unconsciously thinks the dog is a way to keep mom busy so that he doesn't have to always entertain her.

Sandy, that makes more sense now - when you suggest getting rid of the dog, what brohter hears is that his life with Mom would become unmanageable because she would need his attention every minute of every day. Are there options for any adult day programs or anything else that would occupy her?

Vstefans...There are always options, but my brother refuses to pay for them. He says he needs to watch every penny because when the time comes that mom has to go into a memory care center the majority of her funds will have to pay for that. My 84 yr old mom who barely weighs 105 lbs is still doing her laundry, now how well it is being done is questionable, and for her to do laundry she has to carry it up and down basement stairs. I mentioned to my brother my concerns and suggest that maybe he should spend a little and move the laundry from basement to main level of home and he says I am not spending the money for that, may need it in the future for mom's care. I told him if she falls and breaks a hip or worse the hospital will more than likely put her in a rehabilitation/nursing home and to that he says nothing. On Mondays and Tuesdays day & night plus Wednesday day my bother pays a woman from my mom's church to stay and care for her, but she refuses to do a contract due her low income. She gets state assistance and would lose it, she also does not drive, so my brother picks her up and takes her home each week for the 2 1/2 days. My brother pays her a lot less than an what an agency charges. The atty says we have to stop using her, but my brother continues. On Wednesday nights and Thursday nights my niece stays with my mom (brother does not pay her) and how much longer she will continue is in question since she works and goes to school, on Thursday and Friday days my brother does pay and contract through an agency, but says complains that they charge too much. So on Friday nights, Saturday and Sunday days and nights my brother stays at mom's house. He has a fairly new 2nd wife of 5 yrs, kids are grown, but when I mentioned this is a lot for him to do and take on and he can't continue doing this to his own family he told me if they don't understand, oh well. His wife mentioned to me that she gets upsets that he won't hire someone to come and stay with mom at least once a month, so they can do something together, since they both work week long. He refuses, says it cost too much. My sister-in-law says the little time he is home during the week when he comes home from work he goes to the basement family room/office and hangs out there and some nights she really doesn't see him. I am afraid he isolating himself and willing to ruin his own marriage to take care of mom.

Since the 2 weeks ago that I offered to move to Michigan to live and take care of mom, (my husband will stay in Missouri, he has a part time job and my daughter who has her own place will stay in MO), but not with her dog due to reasons in my original statement, I have not heard from my brother and he refused to talk to me this past weekend when I talked with mom, I have decided to stay and take a job here in Missouri that I was just offered.

When I came up for the 3 weeks not long ago to give him a break my sister-in-law asked me to stay with them the first couple of days and we could visit memory care centers for future. I slept down stairs bedroom and when I got up next morning ask if they had to coffee they said no. That's ok, I get that, not everyone drinks it, but when I asked if they had more tiolet paper was told no haven't gone shopping. I said I will go to McD's and get some coffee and pick up some. Came back and sister-in-law hands me 2 rolls of the tiolet paper that I paid with my unemployment and did not offer to pay me back. That evening they wanted to go out to dinner. I was not asked if or where I would like to go. My brother knew I was not working and they decided on Outback. Not overly expensive, but certainly would not chosen to go there since I am unemployed and paying cobra health insurance. When the bill came my brother says to me "your portions is". I was floored. Also during all of this I did the driving. I drove to the care centers, I drove them to dinner, etc. My sister-in-law van wasn't running very well and my brother has a pick up truck. No offer of paying me for gas. I knew that I would be running my mother around and I knew I wouldn't get any offers from her to pay for gas. More than I really could afford rght now. My brother and Sister-in-law both have good paying and make over $120,000, when I was working I only made $31,000. As I stated earlier when I took my mom grocery shopping and my brothers comment of spending way too much for groceries I told him that I had mom to buy papertowels, tiolet paper and kleenex and laundry soap as part of groceries and he said she has all of that downstairs, you should have made a list. Really, I just got to mom's it was getting close to dinner time and she didn't really have any food to make. She didn't know if she needed things or not. I don't feel that I needed to search the house to see what she has and doesn't have since I had only arrive a couple of hours earlier at her home. I took her to a not so costly diner for dinner and then grocery shopping. How am I suppose to know. This was my first day with mom.

Because of things that I have stated about how my brother when I talked it over with my daughter she says that she is afraid that my brother will start not paying for things for my mom, and/or my brother may think she doesn't need this or that, that I will have to pay for them with what he pays me. That way he will think is will all be used on mom. Or even at some point if he may decide to quit paying me and say you should do it because you love her. I do love my mom, but I to work whether it is taking care of her or a job elsewhere or I will lose my home, lose what health insurance I have and I have bills to pay. I know this sounds harsh, but it is real life.

I feel like my mother is on the losing end of this, but I am not going to fight my brother over every little thing. My brother is getting so controlling that on my visit my brother said I will come over and take mom to church on Sunday and I told him I am staying at mom's house I was planning on taking her church and that he could release a little control on this issue and I did not get a very nice look from him.

As for MaggieMarshall saying this is a control issue. It partially is, but I think it is for my brother that is the controlling one. I have decided I am not going to fight him. If he wants to run the show, then it is all his to run. The trust that my parents had drawn up says we are to be equal on everything, but my brother refuses to tell me anything. I told him if you should become sick or pass away before mom, I have no idea where any of mom's information is, so I can continue her care. I don't know where the financial/trust info, house info, dad's pension info, or anything I would need to know to continue paying for her care, her bills, etc., and he hasn't provide me with anything. When he takes her to the doctors he doesn't even tell me what the doctor's says. We both have POA., he is main and I am backup. If it hadn't been for me my brother or dad still wouldn't know what was wrong with mom. I was the one to contacted her doctor told her what was going on and happening and told her that we needed a diagnosis and she sent my mom to a specialist and we received the Alz diagnosis that was over a year ago. A year ago my brother refused to admit that mom was sick, he kept saying she is just getting old.

I am older than my brother and I use to be the one who watched out for him, but he has turned into a different person. I don't know or like that person that he is becoming.

If you or anyone else has any suggestions or advise please let me know. Do I have this all wrong. Should I be looking at all of this in a different way? Even though I have decided to stay in MO with my family, I still feel guilty and that maybe I am still doing the wrong thing.

You've got it all wrong.

So you think your sister-in-law should have paid you back for toilet paper?? Really?? And that you shouldn't have paid your own way out to dinner? Know what? I think you should have treated THEM. And don't tell me you can't afford it because you're unemployed. You're discussing here giving up your career all together to move home and "help".

Boy, I just don't get it. Like it or not, practical or not, you BROTHER is busting his behind taking care of your mom!!! What on earth are you thinking?

I think brother is doing the heavy lifting since you live out of state and can't be there. Yes, he might be a martyr at times, but you have to understand that being nearby and the "primary" caregiver or moms go to person (he's nearby) is grueling day to day. I know you think you are helping by quarterbacking his decisions and may not agree with every decision, but unless mom is complaining she needs more help, and is managing --not much you can do.

Further, you say you don't know if you want to live with mom and you want her to get rid of dog...that may make mom very resentful of you getting rid of her companion yet you get to bring your dog....sounds like this isn't a good fit and you should listen to daughter and not uproot yourself to care for mom.



Suggest maybe you work out something with brother where you come up for a couple weeks or month a few times a yr, give brother respite and leave your dog with daughter or a friend.

MaggieMarshall...I disagree. I orginially was going to go straight to my mom's house, but I was asked to stay with them for 2 days and they knew 1 week in advance that I was coming. If you invite someone to stay with you, would you expect them to pay for your tiolet paper that you didn't buy in advance before they visited. Also, I would awsume that someone who is drawing and living on $280.00 per wk unemployment and husbands part-time job can afford to go out to eat let alone pay for 2 more people. If it was reversed than I would have gladly paid. When they have visited me in MO, I have paid many times when we went out to eat not only for them but my parents too, plus offered to buy their gas if they were doing the driving around here for sight seeing.

Of course you disagree, but your brother wouldn't. I simply cannot imagine thinking someone I loved should pay me back for TOILET PAPER. Jeesh.

And, as I said, you are (were) thinking of giving your career up all together to go live with your mom, so money can't be THAT tight at your house.

Instead of criticizing your brother, finding fault with his family, his hospitality, his care-giving, amd complaining that he won't give away mom's dog, you should be thanking him profusely and sending him gift cards once a month.

The toilet paper isn't the issue. It's the respect that goes with the offer of paying back for it. A guest doesn't bring their own toilet paper. Period. No decent person leaves a bathroom without toilet paper and doesn't offer to pay for it when someone else goes out and buys it. Good grief! Does anyone have manners anymore? I don't care who you are or who you are (supposedly) taking care of. My mother would be mortified if any sibling of mine pulled a stunt like having no toilet paper and making someone else pay for it, much less an unemployed sibling.

Sandyinstl, you should be worried, and you should not move if you are expecting brother to make sure you and your mother have enough supplies and groceries. $160 is not too much for groceries for two people for three weeks. The dog issue is going to be the deal breaker, though. There are people who have/love dogs and will not give them up, even if they cannot care for them properly, even if the dog is a danger to them (might cause them to trip, has turned aggressive, etc), even if the house becomes a toxic nightmare, even if the dog would be better off in another home. Some care less for their actual human family than they do their dogs. It's just the way it is. (After all, you wanted to bring your dog instead of leaving it with your husband, right?)

Your brother has shown you what he is. (And people wonder why their siblings don't help with the caregiving....). He is OK with your 84 year old mother walking up and down steps WITH laundry. He thinks $160 is too much to spend for three weeks of groceries for two people. He doesn't offer to reimburse you for toilet paper, but has the money to go out to dinner(!!!) (Granted, in this dynamic you should have declined dinner out saying you could not afford it, then if he was not going to pay, you stay home. It isn't the norm, but whatever in this case). He refuses to show your your mom's financials.

And no, just because he is taking care of your mom, it doesn't mean he is doing a good job of it, or that he isn't skimming off the top and doesn't want you to see that. The fact that he won't show you the financials would red flag me to no small degree. I've watched siblings leach money down to nothing while "caring" for their elderly parents. I'm not saying this is happening here, but don't just assume it isn't.

My advice to you is if your finances allow it, offer to pay for a day's care per week yourself, and/or go every other month to make sure your mother isn't living in squalor or has broken something after falling down the stairs. Ask the pastor from her church to check in on her from time to time and make sure she is OK. He might even have some suggestions for free help from the church, even if only for a few hours on the weekends. I also suggest you call your mother's doctor and tell her you just want to be sure your mother is OK. (I'm not sure how a "backup" POA works). Brother might be doing a bang-up job, but them again he may not be, especially if he is burnt out. Burn out makes us do strange things.

Sandy, stay put and don't move, it is best for all concerned.

I think the brother is to put it nicely, penny wise and pound foolish. To put it not so nicely, he's got nerf balls for brains. At some point PEOPLE's needs matter more than pennies, and it will take a genuine miracle for him to realize that. I would pray for that miracle, earnestly, and in the meantime periodically mail him toilet paper and coupons for Outback and comparable eating establishments.

If you can face this level of idiocy with a profound sense of humor, and without it eating you alive emotionally, and know that you could do things for Mom to give her some quality of life right now with whatever funding is realistically available, then by all means move up there and do what you can...otherwise stay home!

Another vote for staying where you are. For your own serenity you might also consider curbing the helpful suggestions even though they are well intended. I agree it sounds like your Mom is doing OK under your brothers care. As someone else pointed out, instead of suggesting he do things differently ask him what you can do to help from where you are. Let him know you appreciate what he is doing and try to ignore him when he criticizes you for things like spending money on groceries when you visit. That's his baggage, his penny pinching probably makes him feel more in control during this difficult time. You said you were close before, I'm sure you don't want to loose that. Let your brother know you love him. Maybe even encourage him to talk about the difficulties of care giving. Tell him how you feel too. This stuff is very hard, you are both sharing a slow loss.

Woah.

Sandy, you headlined this with are you horrible (no of course you're not) and are you asking your brother for too much (eh? Why, what are you asking him for?).

But what a can of worms, eh?

Look. You, your brother and your mother (and the li'l dog) lost your father less than a year ago. That's not long. Everybody is still sore, yes?

So sit still and mull over what has been going on for the last ten months. Your brother hasn't changed fundamentally. But his year has been very different from yours. If you hear the dialogue through his ear, it goes: you ring him up, give him orders, criticise, and tell him he needs to get rid of the dog. Meanwhile, he (and don't forget your SIL will have her own opinions about how much space your mother is taking up in his life) probably feels that he's busting a gut trying to keep your mother's show on the road. They, brother and SIL, will not have been happy bunnies when you arrived demanding coffee and loo paper (!!!).

The thing is, I think you got a bit ambushed during that visit, don't you? And I think you might have estimated quite how angry and upset and unreasonable they already were at heart, which is not your fault because, as many people do, they probably hadn't communicated their feelings clearly - so you never got a chance to nip problems in the bud.

What I'm saying is, it isn't your fault but things had got much worse than you realised before you started to pick up on weird behaviours from your brother. They felt aggrieved. They need you to realise what it's like to be caring for your mother at the sticky end, and appreciate much more all they've been doing for her. I'm sure you have said nice things to them, and you have tried to help, but without being there on the ground you didn't really have a chance of getting it right. How could you?

So now there are wounds to lick and feathers to unruffle. I agree with the consensus: this is not the time to consider moving in. Are you looking for a new job locally? In your place, I'd get myself comfortable and secure, enjoy my nice dog's company :) and just let the dust settle. Your brother is doing the heavy lifting: listen to him more, advise him less, and start the whole "looking after mother" project again - maybe once the holidays are out of the way.

Big hug, you must feel very upset and rejected. Harsh.

Kalinda -- Any loved one coming to stay with a brother and sister-in-law who've been hands-on caring for their mom -- and forgets to buy toilet paper??? OMG. What a social faux paux. Pay me, or I'll talk about you for the rest of my natural life.

As to your "supposedly" comment, you're half right. Mom died 9/26 after my having cared for her a year in my home.

MaggieMarshall, that explains your opinions. While the "supposedly" had nothing to do with you, I've been there, done that myself with another sibling's illness and death. But I never left any guest (and especially one who was coming to give me a break, instead I was thankful-go figure) without toilet paper, nor expected any guest to pay for any. To each what they consider appropriate and Sandy should know that not everyone feels as you do. My condolences to you for the loss of your mother.

You need to stay right where you are and find a job. There isn't enough money in this family, from what you say, for any other option to work out.

Your brother sounds exhausted and you need to stay at home.

I agree with Maggie, take a good long look a yourself in the mirror. Everything you have said is self involved, what is owed you, Mom has to get rid of her dog, things must be perfect, and fill my needs or I won't come. No wonder your brother is so frustrated with you. Have you once considered what is best for Mom, how do I help my brother, how can i do my share of the caregiving without pay. That is your mother, she needs you. It is hard work, and you must grow in compassion and strength to do it. If you want to give up your drama queen self absorbed ways, and tackle one of the hardest jobs there is, you can only grow in love.

You have no clue what caregiving entails. Even when you love the parent very much . your brother is worn out , physically, mentally and emotionally. Remember, you were not there on vacation -- you were there to check things out and maybe be of help to your brother and his wife. Considering everything they have been doing for your Mom, you wanted to make a big deal of coffee and toilet paper ? I think you should reread everything you have written, on this site. I don't think you are evil, but you are clueless and pretty self absorbed. Some of your requests might be legitimate, but most of them are all about YOU . I am not trying to be mean, but my Dear, you need a wakeup call.

I'll take the middle road. I believe your brother probably is worn out and worried about money and what will happen down the road with your mom.

I think your intentions are good, but I agree with others that you shouldn't move there to take care of your mom. I think you should offer whatever support (not ideas or criticisms) you can to your brother. Certificates for meals out or some kind of treat for your mom. Offer to pay for extra help - a dog walker or sitter on occasion. Help him from a distance. Listen to him, if he wants to talk. He's juggling a lot of things to try and keep your mom going in her own home. I have a lot of respect him for that. He may be tight-fisted, but unless you think he's taking her money, I'd assume he's operating in her best interests. Managing all of the care for your mom has to take a lot of his time and energy, whether you agree with his choices or not.

Believe me, not a lot of brothers (mine included) want to take on that task. Most just pass it off to their sisters and walk away (from my experience and what I read on these boards).

Sandy, don't do it. Don't move. Being a caregiver means that you need to be the kind of person who can lots roll off your back. You don't sound like that's you. Your brother sounds overwhelmed. Work on ways of supporting him from afar and find a new job! Good luck.

UPDATE….I am currently in Michigan giving my brother and all other caregivers a break this week. I have been offered an 8 month contract position and I have accepted it and will stay in Missouri for now. I start that position next week so; we’ll see where things stand at the end of the 8 months.
I really do need to work, too young for Medicare and can’t afford to pay for medical health care, need health care coverage have heart issues (have had 1 heart attack, plus viral cardiomyopathy) that is the real reason needing to work. Checked the Health Care Exchange cost and was quoted $623 to $850 per mo after the subsidy with a $2,500 or more deductible. That’s a lot of money when one isn’t working. Thought about taking my Social Security early, but medical cost would be take most if not all of my SS after taxes. My husband (64) is a diabetic and needs health coverage also. He was “down sized out of his job 2 yrs ago and hadn’t been able to find full time work. After medical cost I still need to buy food and pay utilities bills and regular bills that a family has.

I was told when I arrive that I would have to take caregiver home that is there during the week and the caregiver told me that there is dried poop on my mom's loveseat in the living room. She said the poop has been there for several weeks. She said I really like your mom, but now she has to make sure the dog has water, my mom does not remember to do that. She said I don’t mind making sure the dog has water or food, but she is not paid to clean up poop throughout the house. I did a walk thru the house and sure enough dried poop on the seat cushions and back cushions where he laid his bottom against the back and on the top cushions where he lays to look out the window. Taking a closer look around and my mom's dog has peed on almost if not every piece of furniture, all furniture skirts and even the sofa decorative pillows (had to throw one away couldn’t get all the pee out of the foam), drapes, the rug under dining room table had pee marks on every table leg and some of the chair legs, all bed skirts in every bedroom, plus on the rocker chair in her bedroom. When I returned, before I started my walk thru I had set my purse on floor by recliner (which he also has peed on corners of both recliners) in family room and the dog peed on my purse. I happened to think I had better close the guest room door to keep him out and when I went in he had already peed on my suit case. I then went into my mom’s bedroom and thought what I was seeing clumps of dirt on her bed; it was clumps of dried poop. Disgusting! If the poop had been on loveseat for several weeks, I am sure it has been on her bed too. This is not a healthy environment for anyone. This is one reason to give the dog to the family who has a child around 9 yrs of age who fell in love with my mom’s dog. They would be able to work on his potty training and he would have someone who would play with him instead of just letting him in and out all day long.

Do realize that my brother is at his own home Monday through Thursday and most Friday’s and gets to see his family. My SIL and I has told him over and over if you want a weekend off hire the caregiver for the weekend or at least for one weekend a month, but he refuses.

My husband at first told me he was behind me in whatever decision I made, but now says he is questioning whether I should go up with the things that my brother has said to me. My daughter keeps telling me don’t go; I don’t want you to go up there, plus I wouldn’t get to see my granddaughter as I would like too.

I haven’t lived in Michigan for 40 yrs and was planning on moving up there, until my brother started to down talk to me, like I am no good do nothing person whom I would have to deal with him on every issue or decision regarding mom. My brother does have “control” of everything and really I don’t mind that he is over-seeing everything. I am glad he is paying all of her bills and seeing that all of her finances are taken care of, but I don’t feel that I need to justify or explain to him why I let her buy this or that. This week I told him that mom wanted to buy some new tennis shoes, but she couldn’t find any that felt comfortable and he told me she doesn’t need any shoes, she already has a pair. Her tennis shoes are at least 2 years old and she wears them almost every day. I was with her when she bought those. I felt like I was being scolded.

If I lived closer this would be a no brainer, that way I would be able to see my family more often. My dog is my dog and I am not leaving her behind since she is the only part of my family that I would be able to take with me. I know it will be a matter of time before my mother’s dog and my dog get into a terrible fight, since her dog is not only toy, but food aggressive too. The fighting more than likely would probbly be over toys, since I can feed my dog in the bedroom. When my dad passed away my husband and I brought our dog with us since we were unable to afford to board her and we ended up having to feed our dog in our bedroom, due to my mom’s dog would growl would run and stand over my dog’s food bowl when my dog went to eat.

For the last 4 years, I have used my only 2 weeks vacation (one week in the spring and one week in the fall to go to Michigan and help mom and dad out and hadn’t actually had a real vacation to myself to enjoy with my own family. Plus, I came up earlier this year to use my one week vacation before being laid off to help care for mom and after being laid off I came up for 3 weeks to care for mom. When dad was alive I made countless of phone calls for my dad when he didn’t how to handle or do something or making their doctor appts, attorney appts for my dad, I even made their dog groomer appts., for them, etc. So don’t say I haven’t tried helped my brother or parents. I did what I could do living so far away.

When I was up previously my brother informed me if I take care of mom and wanted to hire someone to help clean the house, mow the yard or snow removal, I would have to pay for it myself. I am 62 yrs of age and have had one heart attack, plus other heart issues. I can clean the house and possibility mow the yard, but when I questioned about the snow removal, he said he didn't care what I had to say, if I didn't like it too bad. I had started to cry he just got up and left.

I really do NOT think that my brother is skimming any of my mom's money; I really do think that he is honest, but worried about mom’s future for when she has to go into a memory care center. I am afraid he has gone too far in the opposite direction of not wanting to spend any money and hold on it for future use for mom’s care. Both of us want her to be able to have best possible care when that time comes. We want her to go where she spends her last days in nice decent facility that has activities, gets personal attention and they don't put her in a chair or wheelchair and let her sit all day. When my sister-in-law and I visited many facilities and some were like hospitals, seen a few where the patients just sitting in chairs but we did visit 2 places that were quiet nice. Each person had a good size room with TV's, furniture and it felt like a really nice hotel room. We made unannounced visits and one of the places they were playing the piano and everyone was singing. smiling and they all seemed happy. The other place they were doing games for those who can't really get out and about and for those that could were taken to a ball game that late afternoon and evening...Very pleased with both of them, but neither are cheap places.

I forgot to add that every time I come up here this is not a "vacation" for me. I work from the time I arrive to the time I leave. It is not easy and I feel for anyone who is a caregiver full time. It is extremely hard work! It seems like all I do is clean up all of the dog's poop and pee through out the house, I cleaned the house, clean up the back yard and fix meals for my mom clean her back porch so she can sit out and enjoy herself, plus do my best to entertain her. It is exhausting!

Sandy, I understand being frugal, but being overly frugal doesn't really help. I am careful with my mother's money. She has enough to live on as long as she lives here at home, but I know the money won't last long if she goes into a nursing home (NH). What looks like a good bit of money in the larger world looks like a little bit when it comes to NHs. So it she wants something to wear or to go out to eat, it is okay. If she wants to give her church a few dollars extra or buy a sugar-free treat, it is okay. Anything reasonable is okay with me, because it is her money. Spending a little extra helps to enrich her life and doesn't take a lot from her savings. I mean, all the extras she's had in the last five years might add up to a half month in the NH if she ever had to go. We have to use judgment.

If my mother has to stay in a NH longer than a year or two we would have to apply for Medicaid. That is about as far as her money would go. Ultimately by scrimping and denying she might have a couple of more weeks she can pay for a NH, but what point would that be?

I have the feeling reading some of the things you've written that your brother is a tight wad -- do they still use that term? Some people have an awful time spending money. Maybe you can tell your brother what I tell my mother when she asks about her money. "You have plenty to live on if you live at home, but if you need to go in a NH it will be gone in no time." Your brother may not have looked at it like that. It is good to be cautious, but not so cautious that your mother is denied. She deserves to have some enjoyment.

I'm sorry to just so blatantly takes sides with the poster as I have when there is another defensible point of view. I do think the inability to talk openly and realistically about the financial situation or about the emotions around losing Dad and the hard work of caring for Mom is a barrier, and I do judge the brother to be a serious cheapskate, to the detriment of family relations. But the poster did provide relief for 3 weeks and did see the situation, and what I really wish and pray for them is to find some way to air each other's points of view, e.g. with a counselor or pastor or more objective party. It would really be tragic if a family has to come apart at the seams at a time like this over toilet paper and the housing situation of a canine companion.

I had an elder friend whose daughter came in to care for her. The daughter had a dog that stayed inside all day and had Cushing's disease. The dog peed everywhere and pooped on a rug. The house smelled awful beyond awful, so I know how bad it can be. This made me wonder if Sandy's mother's dog could have something wrong with it so that it pees all over the house, instead of using the bathroom on its frequent trips outside.

Congratulations on securing that contract! Not easy in these "interesting times" we're all having with the world economy.

Your mother's living situation is deeply worrying. Your brother needs to understand that his POA obliges him to ensure that her money is spent for her benefit (I know you know that). I agree with VS that the time has come for a frank exchange of views. Or is coming, perhaps, rather than has come.

The thing is, suppose you were to ask to see her household budget. Your brother could refuse the request, it wouldn't be unreasonable to do so; but on the other hand the dirt in the house, her being unable to buy new footwear, the neglect of the dog… these are serious, and would be taken seriously by the various agencies, who most certainly would insist on an audit of her finances if they suspected either neglect or abuse. This isn't a case of your being intrusive for the fun of it.

But the whole picture is so complex I don't see how you could do anything quickly. I'd return to the subject of bereavement, first: how is the family dealing in general with the loss of your father?

Sandy, maybe you could do FMLA to get a week off every quarter? They made me do an FMLA form even though I had more than enough sick and vacation days and I used to go from Little Rock to Pgh PA every 4-6 weeks before my dad died and I moved my mom here. I know with a new job and a new contract that might not work out though. Geez, what a mess. Dog issues aside - denying Mom a new pair of shoes after 2 years is a bit over the top even for a confirmed tightwad and cheapskate - that seems pretty pathological. Your middle road may be the best for all concerned for now. What does Mom say she wants in terms of living situation, BTW?