My father was diagnosed with dementia and is in a home. Its been very hard on us. My mom is about 62 years old, has a great job, and in good health. But due to my dad's illness is extremely depressed. I live in another state and just got married last month. About 4 months ago, my mom called me stating I need to fly home every four weeks to help her with my dad. I already have been flying there a ton. Then about 3 weeks ago she told me she may retire early and come live with me.
There wasn't really a question if this would be ok, she just said its cheaper to live where I do and she could better pay for my dad's needs here and live with me. I told her I would love for her to be near and that would be ok short term, but I think maybe her living near me, not with me would be better. Keep in mind in the past I have had to move out of my mother's home because she became very demanding of my time and very involved in my personal life. It didn't go well. So I told my brother I had a lot of anxiety about my mom wanting to live with me. I am newly married and that's an adjustment in itself. It also doesn't seem necessary. She is in good health. Makes six figures. She is just lonely. My brother responded calling me selfish and that I should be ashamed of myself. He said he would take care of it and to basically "have a nice life" and doesn't speak with me now.
Then the other day as I was telling my mom to visit, and spend a few days with me. She is off work for a couple months and maybe us spending time together would help. But she doesn't really want to. Instead, she said maybe she would come but wanted to talk to my husband and me about giving her money every month to help. And I honestly was floored-and didn't know what to say. She has money, a pension, my dad's inheritance is pending but she has gotten some of it, and a house almost paid off with a ton of value. I asked her if she had explored these options first and she brushed it off stating she cant tap into that-that would ruin her future. My response was, lets explore other options first. I have things I'm paying off, I'm getting a house, and planning to have a baby soon (I'm 34 yrs old). So I made my decision and ended up telling her I didn't think this was something I can do right now.
Although I do understand my dad's care is very expensive. Maybe later on, but right now I don't think so because I don't think it's healthy. I really feel like my mom is having a hard time grieving and is depending on me to take on her responsibilities. I don't think it's healthy. I suggested counseling to help her through this or support groups. But she just says yeah and doesn't do it. So I feel bad about it because I don't like seeing her in pain. It's hard placing boundaries with her but I feel I have to because I have seen what it has done to me when I haven't in the past. And I am highly concerned if I go along with her requests it will have negative affects on my marriage. In fact, I know it will. If this was absolutely necessary for my mom, that would be totally different. I do do everything I can to help. I make appointments for her. I do research. I'm the one that found the home for my dad. I call insurance carriers. I pay for tickets there. I offered to pay for her airplane ticket to come visit. But it seems like it's never enough to my family and I'm feeling a ton of pressure. So my question is, am I being unreasonable here? Am I a selfish daughter?
What you've already offered in ways of visits, paying for mom to see you, finding a place for your dad, etc. seems great. I worry about expectations and demands that will only get more intrusive if your mom moves in, and risk of damage to your marriage, perhaps relationships with your child and overall "mood" in your home. This site is filled with stories about it. I think your approach so far is a good one.
Keep firm on your boundaries.
Your mother is young at 62, she could easily live another 30 years. There is no reason your mother should not be handling her appointments etc. Her depression will not ease if she comes to live with you, but it sounds like your life would be turned upside down.
Being that you said she has a couple months off now, I guess she works in education. She probably has coverage for counselling through her health benefits. It is up to her to want to feel better and take the next step.
You do not owe your parents any financial support, they have the means to pay their way.
If Mum moves closer to you and moves Dad to a nearby facility, she may decide you have to take over all of Dad's extra needs, so she can 'enjoy' her retirement.
You are 34, you are allowed to say 'No' to your mother. You do not need to provide an explanation.
Let your brother "Take Care of It".
I think it's amazingly presumptuous for your mother to just assume that she can move in with you, and to expect you and your husband to contribute money every month. You have your own needs and future to think about. Your brother is trying to guilt and bully you into catering to your mother's wishes, which really is unfair.
Your parents didn't consult you about how they spent their money, and I doubt she'd consult you about her finances even if your were contributing to them. I personally would not agree to give anyone money on a regular basis unless I had access to their financial information and at least some input into how the funds were spent.
I hope you'll stand up for yourself, your marriage, and your own future, and not let yourself get dragged down the rabbit hole.
Have you and mom visited her doctors (cognitive testing- depression) or gotten her paperwork set up for POA etc?
Is your brother older or younger? He sounds very immature or overwhelmed or maybe both. What does he do to help his dad? Or mom with dad’s care or moms responsibilities?
Are there other siblings?
Based on the info in your post I’d say you are going to have to hold on tight to keep mom from overtaking your life. She might be trying to find her footing now that dad is in care? That’s understandable. I assume they’ve been married at least 35 years and it must be a big adjustment for all of you. Especially your parents.
Be careful. Advise her to see a certified elder attorney to make sure she is managing her affairs to both your parents advantage. As a couple she may have made sound decisions. On her own she could be vulnerable to all sorts of pitfalls that lonely people are easy prey for. The best way for her not to be worried about “her future” is to manage things properly now. Help her figure out a budget that lets her know she will be fine if she stays within the boundaries the two (or three) of you set up. Just as it wasn’t right for her to move in on your new marriage, it’s not right to leave it all on brother. I know that wasn’t your intention. It sounds like you are very sensible. Your mom is lucky to have you so involved. I guess I am saying don’t just hold her hand. Help her set her new life up in a way that works for all of you.
Come back and let us know how things are going. I’m sorry for your dad’s problems. Congratulations on your wedding.
Be as emotionally supportive of your mother as possible without damaging yourself. I'm thinking phone calls here, not expensive trips because she insists on seeing you. Do not get sucked into financial contributions or the demands will never end. And under no circumstances should you let her move in with you! Your mother is being unreasonable and unfair and would take over your life if you let her.
Congratulations on your marriage! Focus on yourself and your new family. I wish you a wonderful life together.
Shaking, think brother is manipulated too. Woman is making good money and has son doing her taxes, etc. I think SErickson and brother both have been manipulated by Mom.
SErickson Dads care is Moms responsibility. Maybe Mom should consider not retiring so there is money for Dads care. Did Dad spoil her so now she expects her children to do for her. Time for Mom to get her "big girl" panties on. She should go to a Medicaid lawyer to see how she can protect her half of what she and Dad own. That way his half pays for his care. Once its gone, Medicaid can be filed for.
You have a very good reason why you can't take Mom in. You are entitled to have time for your new marriage and future children. I assume part or all of your stress comes from living with Mom.
I am fixated on your mother’s age and six-figure salary. At only 62 and with a healthy income, I don’t understand the neediness involved here. Granted, the years leading up to your father entering a nursing home and his continued care probably took a toll on her, but if she is able to maintain a high-paying job, why does she feel she needs to move in with you because she needs help. I didn’t see whether she wanted to bring your father with her in this move to live with you.
There are a lot of issues here. One of them, the dependency that has been allowed to exist with your brother and your mother. Of course, he wants the burden off of his back, and is angry if you don’t follow through. Poor guy! Four to five times per week running errands for his able-bodied mother!
No one can truly understand another’s limitations, but at 62, your mother is still young! I know at 34, this seems ancient, but at my age (60), I can’t imagine being so dependent on my children. The 60’s is the new “middle age” for people now living and functioning into their 90’s. I just finished reading a great thread (I think by Karsten ?) which addresses these issues of over dependency and FOG issues in families. There was a lot of good information on it. Your brother sounds as if he is already burned out, and he may have 30-35 more years of this with her! But that does not mean you have to step in, just because he has made the decision to be at her beck and call.
I think both of you need to read some of the threads on here about setting boundaries. Maybe get some therapy, buy some books on this subject. You can’t control what your brother or mother do, but you have control over the choices you make. I still keep coming back to the fact that though your mother has emotional issues, she still is able to hold down a good job. So she can function when she needs to. She just wants you all to take up the slack outside of work.
My husband now is very supportive and we've been together for 10 yrs, and we have a 6-yr old, and it is stressful, it is straining. I am bitter a lot because she got to enjoy her young years, her first marriage for 10 yrs (until divorce), she made a bad choice on husband #2, who was a good for nothing, so she depended on me a lot. I can honestly say I've been caring for her one way or another since I was 12...and I'm tired!
I see others being amazed at a six figure salary and her age and healthy and not being able to fend for herself...yeah...I ask myself the same thing about my own mother...math teacher and sucked badly at finances, made terrible financial decisions and she was not prepared for this illness (or any other situation for the matter). So how is it that we are raised to become independent - you know what they tell us "get a degree, get a good job, make sure you can make it on your own!"...only to have them feed from our hard earned money!!!
I can't enjoy what is supposed to be a joyful time of raising a child, being able to vacation (we have the money, not the time because we can't leave her alone), can't be spontaneous...
I also have a younger brother that all his life said he would take care of her when she got older...that is...until he got a girlfriend who opposed to that idea...even asking him to take her to medical appointments was a feat on itself! Everything in his life is a greek tragedy...I ignore that play for now!
Sorry for my rant...but yeah, counseling is good, wether is financial or emotional. Don't let her impose herself!
So Mom is bored? Not your fault. Not your problem.
Mom is more than financially solvent. This means you Just Say No to her crazy talk about how she needs some of your money. Again, NO.
Take care of yourself and your mental health. All day, every day. Nurture your marriage — without family interference.
You know you need to keep your distance from Mom. That’s why you’ve done just that all these years. Self-preservation.
Don’t fall for Mom’s increased drama. She lost her audience and her “cause” (your father). Now Mom is casting about for her “narcissist feed.” (If you are unfamiliar with that term, Google it.)
Stay strong. It is totally OK to reject Mom’s senseless demands. You can be a loving daughter without being Mom’s puppet. But you’ll always have to keep your guard up. Just accept it — and act accordingly.
Don’t mourn the “loss” of your brother too much. If this is all it took for him to turn on you, he was probably never really a caring supportive sibling. No matter how much you wanted him to be.
This forum is full of folks who saw their siblings’ true colors when the parents got needy. Sad, but you are in good company.
Cut your losses and take care of YOU. Don’t dwell on the fact that your family of origin is the way they are. You didn’t break them, and you can’t fix them.
Be fully present for your husband. Build a good life together. ((((hugs))))
It may be possible to change your lives, if it's really gotten harder, or you're really burned out; we did three years, then made it happen, and will not do it again.... can be done. We're much better friends now with that LO, since we're not all in the same house, and not hands on caregiving, either.
SErickson, see what can happen?