My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?
Please follow up on how things are going.
I get it in a way. A few years ago after my husband and I moved into our house, his mom and step-dad proposed that we take over his sister's care (who has a autism, though pretty high-functioning, she doesn't drive and still has to be reminded of etiquite, hygiene and she's 24). I have told my husband that we really need to clarify that with his mom and step-dad before that "someday" comes. We were going to see them this weekend and talk to them then, but of course, his mom and step-dad have covid. We should have just said "No" right away but were caught off guard and have a hx of people pleasing.
Anywho, I hope this lets you know that I get where you are coming from and it's okay to have boundaries to guard your heart and keep your sanity.
You are so fearful of the hurt from breaking up that the fear is stopping you from doing the right thing. Mature adults will do what’s necessary even if it’s hard and painful.
Answer this question in your head. What’s the WORST thing that could happen once you break up with the wrong boyfriend? Are you going to kill yourself? Hope not. Are you going to spiral out of control and don’t know what to do with life? Hope you’re stronger than a snowflake.
Perhaps, you will cry. Cry for all the lost years and memories. After that, you will feel sad for a long while. But you will start feeling better and will start meeting others. Then you will not think about this guy so much. And one day, you realize you hadn’t thought of him at all.
Do you cook? Bake? Create things? If you do, you know that the quality of the ingredients is essential. Bad ingredients get you bad results.
Same with building a life. Choose your life partner wisely. Don’t just choose to stay because you are too scared to look around and find what is best for you.
You can do this. Leave this boy for his grandma. He is not the best ingredient for building a happy marriage.
If that's the case, especially, I would friendzone the BF. Meaning no physical benefits. He can't be seeing your apartment and you as a place to have sex, then go home to granny. If he wants to demonstrate independence, he needs to get his own place and from there perhaps you resume the physical.
This experience also gives you an excellent springboard to talk to your own parents. If you haven't left home yet, you need to for exactly the same reasons your bf needs to. At that point you make clear that should they require aging solutions in the future, you'll help them as versus being the solution--just as you will not be imposing on them by making them take your family in or putting them on any future babysitting schedule.
Excellent that you have replied and are thinking on your situation now and in the future.
I want you to be able to discern the truth. Can you read a bit on the term:
"future faking"?
The boyfriend may have done this, and if so, you need to protect yourself from a crazy future, with him ultimately saying to you:
"I never said that"; I never said I will marry you".
Maybe you have been 'gaslighted', strung along; deceived.
Right now you have my sympathy, and also my respect. You have spent so many years with a plan in your head and heart, and it’s very very difficult to accept that the plan was wrong all along. Where do you go from there, to wipe out the old plan and find another one with a better chance of working? That’s where my respect comes in – you have signed up for classes, you are determined to meet more and different people. Great stuff!
Don’t get bogged down by ‘he suffers from depression’. Perhaps he is depressed because he feels so bad about stringing you along instead of going through with the old plan. Getting out yourself might set him free too. And if it doesn’t, it’s his problem to fix, you can’t fix it – certainly not by continuing just as you have been. Go, girl!
Also many people asked about his other adults, they are out living their lives not living with grandma leaving the youngest of the family with grandma, so yes I think you guys are right that they are using him as the scapegoat. The mom is living with her boyfriend, aunt/ uncle have their own place and my boyfriend’s brothers are out living with their partners. My boyfriend does not provide money for that house. It sounds rude to say it like that but it’s true. (Also to answer another question, he does not heavily take care of her as if she’s ill, he is there, if she needs something he is there to get it. So no, he doesn’t take care of her in a medical way. He just wants to be there when she passes away.)
I do need to meet more people, you guys have opened my eyes to that. I need to experience things and grow on my own I see that now more than ever thanks to you guys. I’ve gone out of my comfort zone to sign up for artist meet and greet groups and am looking into cooking and dancing classes to open my circle. I haven’t gone yet because COVID came to my house first but I will push myself for it. And about my boyfriend we made up, talked and he promised to live that life starting this year but to be honest I’m not putting my hopes up that high anymore just in case it doesn’t happen. I will let his actions speak while I enjoy my youth not worrying about will he or won’t he or about marriage. You guys are wiser than me and many have advised me to leave him, I think I’ll let time do it itself as I open my horizons like suggested by some here. I’m not going to sit and wait on him anymore. I am beginning to have the courage now to say, “Ok it’s not working out” but I think I’ll hold those words and see what happens first. Im dumb and in love and am hoping for a change, but recent arguments made me very close mentally and emotionally to be ready to say enough. Hopefully I am making sense, im typing while going through the booster side effects. Also he suffers from depression etc, so it’s even harder to say those words.
I was forgetting to say, thank you for validating my feelings pouring such detailed and helpful advice. I don’t feel selfish anymore, I feel strong about my decision.
Some feedback for all the time and effort put in to answer your post is always appreciated, by everyone.
Sadly he did, and I am hurt by it. His words don’t matter if he won’t show them by actions right? By big boy actions… I definitely do see that it generally goes worse for the ladies when moving in like that which is another reason why I’m so against it. To be honest I need a rock, a MAN that will make decisions about our future without me having to guide him through. Yes, this year I’ll let time flow naturally and will move in somewhere with other girlies if he doesn’t hustle up. Thank you for your words after ready my post!
age 25
Brain Maturity Extends Well Beyond Teen Years. Under most laws, young people are recognized as adults at age 18. But emerging science about brain development suggests that most people don't reach full maturity until the age 25.
Forget the grandma issue. Be selfish enough to allow for your future happiness.
My advice is break it off with him NOW. It will hurt. But you need to move on. Your boyfriend is still a nice young man, but he doesn’t seem ready for you. You don’t have to feel bad for putting yourself first. Best wishes!
Wishing you Strength & Confidence🙏. (())
Since he is “the last of his family to take care of her” I wonder what the reasons are. Are her children/his parents still working and no one is retired?
Is you boyfriend the youngest?
Do they financially help him?
Does grandmother get social security?
Is there not enough money to properly pay for her to be cared for?
Is her house hers and paid off?
Does she have a trust? And if so what does it say….all of it.
Will he offer you a fair written agreement to your benefit?
You do not end up being the 90% caregiver without chance of sultivating your own career. He cannot have that level of freedom.
As for how it could possibly benefit you: If you have a legally dated agreement, notary stamped….
You and boyfriend set up all elements legally before you pack a paper bag to move in.
You establish how you will have your own personal income and/or education ( you can do it online ) in writing. Notary.
You establish the expectation of respect and proper human treatment from “all’ of his family, Grandma inclluded. In writing. Notary.
You establish how the two of you will have privacy and “date nights”. In writing. Notary.
You work at creating a realistic future that benefits you both independently and as a couple. In writing. Notary.
You have your own private savings account that You are not obligated to share with him. In writing. Notary.
( Go to your bank where you are a customer for Notary Services. A small fee. )
There are so many more points I would like to metion. But I write this out because it is clear that you want to deal with him, but his first loyalty should be to you and your future together. Keep in mind that taking care of his grandmother could possible be of benefit to you if she leaves you ( or both of you ) her paid for house. The rest of the family can work out their own financial futures.
And yes….you are too young to be so deeply connected to a young man with estabished ties. At 24, it may not feel like you are “too young” but life is to be lived and not sacrificed unless it is a healthy choice you make.
I live in the midst of a culture where “family is everything” and there are families with many children, aunties, uncles, grandparents and there is a specific kind of love involved. I myself was not born and raised in that type of mindset, but I do appreciate certain elements of that and have learned much from that demo of living. I left home at 20 yrs old and allowed myself to be tied to a dominating, experienced man. Years passed and although I have since long ago left and have a better life. But I will never get back the years I wasted and will never get back the growth I could have had. Life can be really good, but “life” is work….so make it work for you at nobody else’s expense in whatever road you take. You are smart enough to question your situation now so you you stand a great chance of having the control over your own life that you should. Let everyone know how things work out!
He sounds like a mama's boy, and easily controlled by them. He doesn't sound ready to get married. If his parents were any kind of parents, they would encourage their son to fly the coop and live on his own.
Once you marry someone and you establish your boundaries with each others families, THEN, you can step in and help. Otherwise, you will be in for a surprise you didn't ask for. He needs to grow up, and so do you.
Talk to him about this. Tell him you are going to get your own place, and the ball is in his court. If he is ALL Grandma had, it would be different. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
I dated my first husband for almost ten years. I didn't want to get married. More truthfully is I didn't want to get married to him. I did and we were divorced soon after because it was wrong. It was wrong to marry him and wrong to have strung him along in all those years of dating. So I let him go. He found a good woman and remarried not long after and good for him. I was very happy for him and still am. We're friends and that's what we were supposed to be all along.
When 'the family' has an event at Grandma's big house, orchestrated by his Mother, gathering there, you will not be a guest, but a server, unable to 'not attend'.
The kitchen will be available at all times for grandma, you won't be able to cook, then eat, without cleaning up before you eat.
You cannot cook during when grandma is using her kitchen, because his Mom says.
Mother is so controlling that you are invited at the last minute to go to her house for dinner, 3-4 times per week, intermittently. She is, after all, doing you a favor. The groceries you just bought spoil in Grandma's refrigerator, so you won't be able to budget food properly. You cannot say No to the dinners, because (still boyfriend) already said yes, and Mother already cooked.
The Mother, not grandma, will invite a wayward brother to stay in the room across the hall from your room(s), no longer private. He will steal from you.
You cannot say no to him living there.
After Grandma goes to bed at 8:00, you must be very quiet.
On a Saturday morning, his Mother walks into your rooms, unannounced, and rustles the two of you out of bed at 9:00 a.m., saying, why are you still in bed, as she starts picking up your clothes off the floor.
When you discuss leaving to get a place of your own, he cancels at the last minute, after checking with Mom. You have an argument, and (still boyfriend) pushes you so you almost fall down the stairs. It does not occur to you that boyfriend is employed by Mom & Dad's business, and is not free to have a life.
Sounds like a 'Dallas' soap opera, doesn't it?
The next morning, the Mother appears on scene to take you to her doctor for your depression. The doctor tells you to leave immediately.
You are not in control, Mother is.
some family members are tyrants - and they behave much worse the more time you spend with them.
it's often an older woman against a younger woman.
but of course, tyrants can be both female/male.
You do not want to be a caregiver; you want to be married to your love and have your own life. Exactly the same way I (age 19) was when I first married my husband and his family thought they could ship their dad off to us to live with us and me take care of. He had emphysema. And it was like, NO!! I told my husband no. I don't think he wanted to either, but he was always eager to keep the peace and please everyone. But I think secretly he was glad that I was the one who said no.
So, I was very surprised when my "grandson-in-law" ( 25) announced he was getting married (she is 22) and he would live with her in her grandma's house. They are very happy. I don't understand it.
I spent a career as an RN, but am just now caregiver to Mom who is in her 90's for about 5 years. It's hard sometimes, but I am comfortable doing it now, but never ever could have done this at a younger age.
You are NOT selfish. You just want a different life, and that is good and fine. Hopefully, your boyfriend will change his mind, but if not, it is much better you find that out now, than being trapped in a life you do not want. I wish you a very good and happy life.
Your boyfriend doesn't want to get a place with you. He likes things the way they are and that will not change. He's using his grandmother as an excuse for why he won't make any real committment to you. He will let you become grandma's live-in caregiver when she will need one and God knows for how long that could be. He will not marry you though.
You're 24 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. Move on with it and find a man who wants a adult relationship and isn't afraid of committment.