I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have 3 year old twins. We are in our 30’s. I work part time as RN nurse manager. My husband works remotely from home. 6 months ago I reluctantly agreed take his mother in after she had a stroke. She’s in her early 70’s. Right side of her body is paralyzed. Between work and caring for the twins, I’m tired y’all. I can’t keep this up. I work the weekend shift and the rest of the week I’m taking care of her. My husband does help but I forgot to mention that I’m an amputee. Amputated at the knee since I was a teenager. My right leg. I have always been able to keep up and live a pretty normal life otherwise but this is too much y’all. Especially trying to work at the same time. I told my husband we need to make other arrangements for her and now he’s cold to me.
So he's cold. You've told the truth.
He can either hire help with his mom's money, or he can look for a facility.
Does he know how to do that?
Am I wrong for wanting to *change*?
No. Changes are normal & natural.
Barb found the crux I think. Does your Husband know what to do?
I would not equivocate. If he thinks his pouting can make a difference then he will pout.
You need to be firmly gentle and tell him:
Just say "I was reluctant in the beginning and I regret not holding my ground, because agreeing to try this has made it more difficult for all three of us. But I cannot do it. I have just run smack into my limitations. If this doesn't work for ONE of us then it doesn't work. And it doesn't work for one of us and that one of us is ME. I can be as sorry as I want--and I AM sorry--but I cannot do it and I WILL NOT DO IT. So let's get ourselves together and tell Mom that I cannot. I am fully happy to take the blame or whatever you need, but I cannot do it. If you insist on continuing then it is the end of our marriage, and you will be left with all the caregiving."
As I said, if he sees his chance to have this then he will play you in his desperation. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it . Being an RN is what taught me that I would not/could not, no matter the love I had, do such a thing 24/7. Not in a billion years. And I never would have considered it for a single second. I am not applying for Sainthood. It's an ugly job description.
And no one in my family ever would have asked this of me.
Taking in someone thusly reluctantly and being unable to do it simply adds to the tragedy that it already is. But that is something you all must bear. There is no perfection in this.
Please don't try to continue this for the sake of you all.
But I wonder …….
Is your mother in law competent ?
Is your husband afraid to tell her that you can not care for her anymore ?
If your mother in law is competent and your husband does not address the problem after trying one more time to tell him you can’t do this , then you tell his mother you can’t do it . You can offer to help make the other arrangements .
If your husband does nothing to relieve you of taking care of his mother , stop taking care of her and leave it up to her son .
Your husband must just assume because you are a nurse it wouldn’t be a problem .
You are working for free , and it’s ok to quit.
This isn’t the first time that we have seen wives complaining about their husbands wanting them to take care of their mothers and I am sure that it won’t be the last.
You made an honest attempt at being able to do this. You found out that you aren’t a superwife/mom/daughter in-law. Join the club! No one else has super powers either.
Tell your husband that you sincerely tried but it’s not working out and that you expect him to speak to his mother about other living arrangements.
Wishing you all the best! I hope that your husband will understand how you feel. If not, you will have to figure out what the next step should be with or without your husband.
Your needs are equally as important as his mother’s needs. In fact, they should be more important than his mom’s needs. You and your children deserve to be number one in your husband’s life!
He may push back.
Eg You say you can't.
Yet he knows you are amazing...
That you are a capable woman - a mother, a nurse, caring is your role (as chosen by you & also gendered society assumptions).
If so, he needs to understand the word No. To teach his children too. That when a woman says No a man respects it.
If words are not understood, move to actions. Just as you wpuld for a patient. You say you cannot stay with them 1:1. That you will return. Then you leave.
Taking a short holiday with your children to a friend's or other relative can work wonders.
Then a husband MUST deal with his Mother himself.
“We have 3 year old twins. . .”
What? No! You aren’t wrong to quit at all, you have little ones at a demanding and critical age who need to be you and your husband’s first priority!
“I work part time as RN nurse manager. . .”
So MIL (who from your profile besides the stroke suffers from incontinence, diabetes, heart disease, mobility issues. . .) AND small children on top of a demanding job? No!!
“I forgot to mention that I’m an amputee. Amputated at the knee since I was a teenager. My right leg. I have always been able to keep up and live a pretty normal life otherwise but this is too much . . .”
NO!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!
Your MIL knows damn well you have your hands full with your twins, work and are already an amputee. After a paralyzing stroke, MIL should have stayed in SNF from stroke forward. Not agree to move in and destroy her son's marriage and budding young family. She is paralyzed, but still has her mind intact...for now.
Your husband's priority should be his wife and his children. What happens if you get sick? 24/7 care for someone paralyzed is too much work added to your busy life. When do you have time to sleep?
You didn't marry his parents, it wasn't a package deal. She needs to go where she knows she should be and you both get your young lives back. Don't let it go on much longer, or you will be trapped for the next decade.
Does husband actually expect you to sacrifice like this for how long? Years?
Let him pout! He can pout his way into a divorce and child support payments.
If that is not true at all, you have to show him, not just try to explain. You have as much as you can cope with, without the addition of MIL. You need to be a mother to your twins in the week, and make him his dinner – just like a ‘normal’ wife at home with small children, except that you are an amputee, and you also organise things for the weekend when you work. Make it so he does his lunch, and MIL’s. MIL stays in her room with the door shut, and anything she needs or want gets done by him. Get her a bell to ring, or a buzzer into his ‘office’ if you can. He might even have his desk in MIL's room, if he can't hear the bell. Why not? She might interrupt him? Instead of you?
And leave DH to cope with his 'working remotely from home' on his own. In my experience, the extra working adult in the house complicates things quite a bit. You are his social support as well as MIL's - and of course the twins'.
A week of this (perhaps you are feeling ill and run down, hence the change), and after that it might be worthwhile talking. Even if he doesn't change his mind, it makes a better life for you to go on with. Think how to do this. Be ‘nice’ – arguing doesn’t help.
Your post broke my heart.
Skip the guilt trip and go on your own trip while he makes his “arrangements.”
And perhaps take time to think about your own arrangements while you are away.
Explain that you thought you could do it but in reality this is more than you can manage.
You know the drill....I am sure you have seen this at work or talked to people about this very thing.
There are options.
1. Hiring caregivers that will come in and help out. MIL pays for the caregivers by the way not you nor your husband,.
2. Placing MIL in a facility that can manage her care. That could be Assisted Living if she is able to manage some things on her own if not then it would be Skilled Nursing.
You say your husband is cold to you because you said that other arrangements need to be made.
I am not one to mention the Ultimatum word but it sounds like this is the time to use it.
You have to decide what your move is.
Is this a deal breaker? By that I mean would you move out and let him care for his mother himself?
What would happen if you stopped doing all that you do? Would a caregiver be hired? Would he cut back on his work so that he could do what you have been doing?
Do you have a friend or family that you and the kids can visit for a few weeks? Might open his eyes a bit more and force him to take off the Rose Colored Glasses he has.
On what basis is he preparing for her "impending death"?
Of course, not unusual after one stroke to have another, which could happen anywhere.
Your MIL is young but others with her condition are in a NH and manage. I see one on the regular in the NH who is accustomed to asking for what she wants and getting it.
You certainly don’t deserve to be a full time caregiver, really no one deserves it but you have a higher calling. Children. And a short window to enjoy, guide and protect them in their most formative years. But even if you didn’t, this is not your responsibility.
Since MIL still has her home, smart girl that she is, it shouldn’t be too difficult for DH to set up an office there and bring in caregivers. This way he doesn’t have to “prepare for her impending death” just manage caregivers. Once he gets mom taken care of and settled in, you can get rested up a bit, and decide together on how you want to raise your family and what responsibilities you both have to one another primarily and to the children. If he withdraws his financial support for his family, that would be sad but he saw his mom do it, I’m sure he knows you have the ability to manage.
Don’t leave your home.
She posted he didn't want change. That he didn't understand.
That he didn't personally SEE the problem (as worked away a lot). Would not listen. Choose to guilt & manipulate in order to keep things the SAME. (Afraid to say no to his Mom???)
Tough love strategies were started.
1. She requested he attend marriage councelling with her.
2. She advised him she quit.
3. MIL would need to leave the house to obtain 24/7 care elsewhere. If not, the wife would leave for a trial separation.
He refused to discuss councelling.
He declared she could NOT quit.
(A useless lie. She could).
He declared she could NOT leave.
(Another useless lie).
He threatened divorce if she left.
Said he'd get a NEW wife. A new wife to look after his Mother.
I offered to write the advert;
Wanted. Wife #2 for family man.
Recently single after refusing to listen to Wife #1's needs.
Must be financially independant as man's income used to pay support to Wife #1 & children.
Must be able to take care of man's Mother 24/7.
I have often wondered how that worked out.
It shouldn't have to have threats.
It can be one partner being honest about wanting change.
And about the other partner listening & accepting change is needed.
Then hopefully, working together towards that change.