86 year old father in law with a lifetime of untreated OCD is making our daily life miserable. He has a constant never ending stream of requests and demands, we think he unloads on us to somehow feel less anxious himself? He absolutely refuses meds or treatment of any kind. It’s like he transfers his anxiety about medications, food, doctors appointments, laundry, groceries ….the list goes on and on….directly to us all the time with repeated requests in person and with texting when we are at work. We have tried to set boundaries, create schedules, but he just continues to harass us repeatedly (OCD) about every single thing he wants us to do. Here’s the thing. We are both plenty competent and we absolutely meet his needs….but then he starts in on obscure tasks that really don’t need to be addressed in the moment leaving us on edge and fighting for our own space and time to live our own lives. Any suggestions?
Just b/c Frank is unwilling to be treated for this extreme OCD, does not mean it should be YOUR problem to deal with forevermore.
You and your spouse deserve a calm, peaceful life of your own. I suggest you create one.
Best of luck.
I mean if he won't take any meds, what can you do? Like others mentioned, he'll only get worse from here, and they WILL medicate him at a facility because they basically have to - otherwise people can get combative with staff or other residents.
That is my only known successful coping strategy for OCD. Not for them - they won't change - but for me.
If temporary (UTI) or a passing stage of dementia behaviour (sundowners) you may have better luck. But if faced with that long held deep persistent OCD personality type... sigh
Is leaving an option?.
From others I've read that you may be able to get your FIL to the doctor under the guise of asking him to help and accompany you for YOUR doctor's visit.
Give his doctor a written statement of your concerns ahead of time.
Not comparable, but I've learn to not tell my husband that he's going for a hair cut. We appear at the barber shop, I hold the door open for him and before he knows it he's either in the waiting area or more likely just popped into a chair because his barber knows the deal. My husband doesn't gripe in front of other men.
As far as giving him meds, share a small milkshake, or something you both enjoy and spiked his with his meds. I think that sharing the action, and distracting him by encouraging his most soothing obsession, (talking, human contact, complaining, ordering), might be distracting.
My husband has obsessive compulsive habits but it has to do with hiding folded knapkins all over the house. It's driving me cross-eyed nuts. I never see him do it but they're stuffed everywhere. Which reminds me, as I mentioned in another reply, one of his very much grosser secretive obsessions has been nipped, unfortunately not in the bud, since he's been weaned off of Donepezil. His neurologist's office said at this point of his decline it doesn't do anything for him anyway. Which is another subject for another time. What is the point of prolonging this inevitable end? We have both lost 15 years already.
My MIL had dementia. She use to have a g'zillion steno pads and wrote a lot of notes. Perhaps if you supplied your FIL with writing materials it may by helpful. Make a place for these, table or desk, and post a sign at that spot saying something like - Dad we need to know what's important to you. Please write down what you'd like us to know.
I know it's incredibly nerve racking.
Has your FIL been medically diagnosed with OCD in past or present? I cannot tell from your description. At his next doctor's appointment with his primary physician, whoever has the POA assigned for him, should be present at the appointment and address these concerns with his doctor. It is not clear how "independent" your FIL actually is; does he live alone? make his meals? provide his own daily living needs ( shower , clean clothes etc)? His physician may need to assess FIL further for cognitive decline and or other physical or mental health declines ( such as dementia) as many many things can cause the anxiety you describe. His cognitive status can be easily assessed by his physician or a referral from the physician. A formal assessment and guidance by the physician and a case manager he/she could assign to determine both the needs and the options is a positive first step. You and your SO do need to take care of yourselves so assessing with the professionals the FIL needs for both his safety and your peace of mind will be an important first step.
Now, you can expect the FIL to resist any change, as this is often the normal. Explaining the needs in "safety" terms may help or not. Please be sure that the appropriate person has a POA assigned as this will both be necessary and helpful going forward ( if one is not already in place). FIL may be forgetful and fearful and not know how best to express this , hence it comes out as him demanding attention etc. etc. Lots of things could be going on and , a formal, full assessment by physician and cas e manager is necessary and important for you all. best regards
Please remember, you're a volunteer in this situation..............how long will you volunteer for abuse?
A Geriatric Psychologist or social worker should be called in to evaluate the situation.
Time to start planning your next vacation, right after Dad gets placed: Aloha!
My dad was 100% opposed to all meds his entire adult life, but then developed very extreme insomnia and the meds he got for dementia actually help him sleep. Now he's obsessed with taking them on time. He also has a lot of compulsive behaviors that got 3,000 times worse with onset of dementia. The meds help take the edge off a lot, though he is in total denial that he has any unmanageable behaviors. They don't entirely solve it though, but they make him way more manageable. Good luck!