I have been married to an amazing man for 22 years. I have two sons, one an adult living on his own, the other just turned 18 and starting his senior year. I have two grandbabies I haven’t got to see lately due to the fact most of my time is spent between my full time job, caring for my dad, and visiting my stepmom in the hospital. My dad is a veteran with terminal cancer (that is stable at the moment). My stepmom has been his caregiver the past 6 years but is now fighting for her life in hospital. So now I’m the caretaker of their home, my dads health and doctor appointments, their bills, groceries, laundry, as well as my own. I am an only child and doing all of this on my own and after 4 months I AM TIRED. My dad is very grumpy and thinks anyone that doesn’t have the same opinion as him on politics (and just about everything else) is an “idiot” or “stupid”. Him and my stepmom have no kids except me so all of this has fell in my lap. I’ve set up a room in my house for him but he expects me to stay with him at his home (an hour away from mine). He says he doesn’t expect me to, but he exaggerates his condition so I feel obligated to come to his house because he doesn’t want to stay at mine. My stepmom has made him the center of her world for 37 years and he expects me to do the same. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up and he only had me every other weekend until I was a teenager and I just made occasional visits. I love my daddy… I do. And I have been and will continue to help him; just not at the expense of my sanity and my family’s happiness. I’m also handling my stepmoms medical paperwork and getting her set up for rehabilitation but that is still months away, and that’s if she continues getting better. I have begged the VA for help, and they have given me some good information on how to attain that help, but my dad has to agree to it and follow through with the plan. He doesn’t want the help and complains to me that he guesses he is just too big of a burden for me to want to do it and won’t go along with the plan to get me some help. I just can’t continue to do this all on my own. He has ran off any friend or family member that he has ever had over politics and minor things that he blows way out of proportion. I’m the only one left standing and I’m wobbling on one leg. I’m tired, overwhelmed, stressed, made to feel guilty on a daily basis (manipulation and guilt have always been his strong suit). Anyone that has any advice on how to go from here and what healthy boundaries I can set, I would greatly appreciate.
Other folks can have all the expectations they want of you. Their expectations should NOT create an obligation to do what they want.
As my fellow poster Beatty says "As long as YOU are the plan, there won't be any other plan.
Saying "no" to a parent is hard. But you have to do it.
Agree with dad "yes, all of the tasks I'm currently doing are too much for one person. I need help."
If he doesn't accept that YOU need help, I'd walk away for a bit and let him find out how much he needs you. You might find him a bit more amenable to compromise.
You chose to get involved. I just want to be clear that you did this to you.
Google: FOG fear, obligation and guilt. Matt, it’s time to step out of the FOG
I so understand your Dad. I had a Curmudgeon for a Dad too. I told my brothers long ago if Mom went before Dad, he was going into LTC because I was not physically caring for him. He went first. Mom waited in him hand and foot. I don't do that for my husband. He is a big boy.
You can't do it all and Dad needs to be told that. He needs to learn how to be on his own. An hr is a long way when you have no energy left. If ur profile is correct he is 66 yrs old. He can do for himself or hire someone. Tell him he needs to wash his own laundry (my DH is 76 and he just went downstairs to throw a load of clothes in). He is capable of ordering food in. He is capable of making a bowl of cereal and a sandwich. He can pay his own bills. Tell him this has gone longer than expected and you are worn out. You have a job, a husband and a home of your own. He needs to do for himself as much as possible.
If something happens to his wife, you cannot be expected to take her place. His life is going to change. If his health is such that he can't do for himself, either he gets someone in to help or he goes to an Assisted Living, if he can afford it. As said, do not move him in. When he uses the "burden" word tell him that he does not have to feel he is a burden if he does more for himself. He has had it easy for 37 yrs. He cannot expect you to abandon ur own husband for him. Does not work that way. He has to do as much as he can for himself or pay someone to do it. You can't afford to leave your job or lose a husband.
Sounds like nothing you do will be good enough for your dad. From what you've mentioned about your situation as a child, he really wasn't much of a "daddy" to you. He chose alcohol over you for years. He fathered you, I guess paid child support, but was he really ever a daddy? He wants you to wait on him hand and foot, and does not understand why you (or anyone, really) cannot.
Maybe he just expects women to cater to him, be it the stepmom or you?
Frame it to your father as "It's not that I don't WANT to help with everything, it's that I CANNOT help with everything." And at this point you're not just helping; you're doing. Doing it all. Tell him he can have help if he wants, but it can't be you 100% of the time. He of course won't agree to it, but that's HIS choice. He wants to call the shots, so let him. Then when he sees he has to hire help or there will be NO help, he'll change his tune. Or he'll die of selfishness and stubbornness long before the cancer.
Start interviewing live-in caregivers who will be round-the-clock in your father's home.
You can hire privately from a caregiver website like care.com and check them out yourself, or you can go through a homecare agency. Either way your father and his funds pay for it.
You know, I was a caregiver for 25 years and have dealt with many elderly clients.
For some reason (I don't know it, nor do I care to) many elderly like to instigate trouble. They will bait people into discussions on politics or some other topic that is going to cause some kind of friction, fight or problem.
Any time a senior citizen including within my own family tried to get me into a political discussion or any other provacative topic I tell them plainly that I do not discuss politics or any other 'hot button' issue. Then I just ignore every other attempt.
As for your father claiming that he's just too big of a burden to you to personally care for him yourself, tell him the truth. That yes, his care is too much for you to handle and he should have trained caregivers to look after his needs.
Let me tell you something and this comes from a long experience with not just care clients, but also their families.
I have seen families destroyed by an needy and manipulative elder. Once happy marriages end in bitter divorces because of a senior's guilt-tripping and gaslighting.
Caregiving can only work when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
If you want to do SOME of the caregiving for your parents, it has to be on your terms and conditions. Not theirs. It has to be your choice.
Good luck to you.
I agree. I've recently have allowed myself to be drawn into these political discussions that result in a frustrating loop. I was wondering if this is a manipulative tactic of some elderly people to get an argument started.
Age & illness has changed your Dad's & StepMom's lives. Brought big changes - yet they don't seem to have made big changes - maybe even expect you to keep it all ticking over the same?
I get why it would be very hard to say no to each small request as they arise. But when you add them up, it's a supersize chunk of you having to live their lives (at the sake of your own).
They need a TEAM now.
You are one person.
See the problem?
This is a big task for your Dad now & many other elders too. Accepting these losses to their independance. Accepting change is required. Accepting help from others.
Help your Dad to get together the facts on his assets and help him to explore the options that are out there.
Will he be angry? Yes, sure he will, but isn't he mostly anyway?
This is about your limitations. Honor them, or give them away and throw yourself on the sacrificial pyre. Your Dad's attitude to life will be unlike to change either way, but for you and your hubby the choice means EVERYTHING to your life.
For now see an elder law attorney with Dad and be certain his papers are all done, make a shared living expenses contract until the move is accomplished. I would give him a timeframe, anywhere from 3 to 4 to 6 months. But I would let him know that is your limit and you will not be swayed.
It is entirely up to you. You won't change your father. That is the first thing to accept. He will not obey any "boundaries" you care to set up, and they are a waste of time. If you need to prove that to yourself it is easy enough.
Again, I am really sorry you took your Dad in as it makes all this ever so much more complicated and difficult.
People's boundaries on help can really differ. An offer for help can be big or small. Can be a short, time-limited or an ongoing arrangment. But as others have said, it needs to work for BOTH SIDES. Or it is a dictatorship.
Folks will tell you do stop doing so much... Others say no never let family down..
This is what you will need to work out for yourself. The size, the shape & the length of what you can/will do.
Let's stage it out;
1. Pop in social visits.
2. Pop in visits + some help/tasks.
3. Staying over. Leaving your own space. Taking over all tasks.
1. Putting someone up in your own home after surgery/acute illness 1-2 days.
2. Providing a guest bedroom when required, open ended.
3. Moving someone in permanently. Being their careraker.
My guess is you were at level 2 but you see the potential to quickly blow out to 3. If this has reached your internal boundaries, you will feel it. Dread or resentment. Maybe anger.
It takes time to Stop.
To See where you are.
Think before going further on the same path. Re-evaluate.
I did waaay too much for her. I slowly pushed harder and harder for her to do more for herself but it was kind of too late due to her dementia.
Anyhow, why can't your dad do more? Is he just being lazy/stubborn, etc. and refusing but can actually do more? If his cancer is stable, time to push him to be a man and take care of whatever he possibly can.
You can not be the answer to all his wishes. Do not move there and do not ever bring up bringing him to stay at your house again. Don't wait on the VA. Get some services lined up, that he will be paying for. A cleaning lady. Someone to cut the grass. Have his groceries delivered. Automate as many things as possible to take as much as possible off your plate. You are only one person and this level of care is unsustainable, as you have already found out. If he has any cognitive issues/dementia, he will not be able to comprehend how much work you are actually doing for him and that it actually IS a burden on you.
Does he have his paperwork in order? Like his will, POA, living will, etc.? If not, he needs to do so yesterday.
Where is his love and consideration for your needs? You have done more than your share and he doesn’t seem to be appreciative.
Your dad wishes to have more and more from you. Does this sound like a reasonable man to you?
He has been pushy, manipulative, disrespectful, and patronizing. Enough is enough.
Please turn the room that you set up for him into a guest room for your precious grandchildren.
Children grow up fast! Invite them to your home for fun sleepovers! Forget about moving your father into your home.
Since you want to help your dad, assess his needs and delegate the responsibility to others.
Have you contacted Council on Aging to assist you with planning for his needs? Have you called any caregiver services?
Just because his wife has spoiled him, doesn’t mean that you should do the same. Look at how she ended up, she needs her own medical care.
Please don’t follow your stepmom’s example by waiting on him hand and foot. That isn’t love, it’s slavery. Free yourself from this misery.
Best wishes to you!