Any advice on how to move forward?

I wanted to provide an update on my situation. So since I last posted (end of December) no real movement on the relationship. However, his family situation has drastically taken a turn....2.5 weeks ago his father had to be admitted to the hospital due to a severe health crisis (basically didnt even know who he was for a week) and the verdict is still out if it was due to his diabetes and a sugar emergency or mental health related. He is still hospitalized. During this time, my fiances grandmother had to be admitted to the hospital as well due to sugar issues (diabetes) and has now stepped down to a rehab facility. To add to all of this, fiances uncle (who lives with grandmother and dad) does not drive and requires checkin in on and caregiving as well. So fiance had to take over 2 weeks off of work (unpaid) in order to assist his family with doctors calls and visits back and forth several times a day to the hospital as well as assisting his uncle with groceries, laundry, cleaning, etc. He is completely burnt out. I do feel like this situation has caused fiance to find a solution to the situation since he will need to work full time soon, and can not do this situation indefinitely. He has been working with social workers to find caregivers that will come for all three at the house when dad and grandmom come home. In the meantime, I feel I am doing a wait and see approach for all of this. I have been traveling a lot for work and caring for my own elementary aged kids, but feel like his current situation isnt really sustainable for him to have his own family. Im not ready to break it off with him, however I think if this continues and the caregiving does not work (or he still feels the need to be a constant caregiver) our relationship will not be sustainable. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?

So everything hit the fan today. We went and visited his family yesterday after dropping my kids off at their dads (we split the day for Christmas) and found out his grandmom had a hard fall on Christmas Eve. His mother also is dealing w a lot caring for his autistic nephew (other set of issues on other side of his family) and that was a very hard visit and we felt unwelcome. Today we were fully prepared to call and ambulance so his grandmother could get an xray. She was set on being driven not taken by ambulance but my fiancé sAid no since it would be a 10 hour wait in ER without the ambulance. The hospitals are full of Covid here. Well she refused so fiancé, dad and uncle were going by what his 96 year old grandmother said. I then was heated w fiancé since I don’t think grandmom has a say in this. She needs to be checked out and I think it’s neglect not to have her checked. Many times my own kids don’t wNt to go to the doctors and I make them. They are allowing a 96 year old to have too much say and I don’t agree w it. Fiancé dad said we can wait a few days and fiancé wAs like well I have to work and hAve other things I can’t wait around until it’s at a crisis to take her. So I was a upset and told him they need to take her now. We ended up in a huge argument (we’re supposed to go skiing today and it didn’t happen). I’m so burnt out and upset.

Think if you reflect you know the answer. Your priority should be your children. They are young and need a mother who is not stressed or burnt out . My advice is to concentrate on them and not rely on your fiancé to parent. The relationship is currently not working. He appears to be a loving man who is caught between a rock and a hard place trying to help his family. Apparently, he has guilt in setting boundaries. I’d separate for a while to see if his life and yours find a happy medium.

Wow. I think you know what to do. It's time to let him go. Tell him you can talk about reuniting when he is no longer supporting his relatives. It doesn't sound like he is going to change this situation any time soon.

A blind person could see that your fiancé's first priority is not you. Why is he living with you and your kids?! He's getting all the benefits of being supported by you while not earning a living himself! Why do you have to support him financially? He's taking money that should be for your kids. You've basically signed on to raise a third son here.

He is either a pushover or just doesn't care enough about you and your kids to place you first. Or actually make the commitment of marrying you. Then your kids get to have yet another man walk out on them.

He needs to move in with his family and stop pretending he's part of yours.

Happytimes,

I don't think anyone can really tell you what to do with this relationship or what to do about the care situation. We can tell you red flags that we read from you.

That you have been in a relationship and are shacked up with a man for years is a HUGE WAVING RED FLAG. He has never committed to you or your children. You say our family but, he hasn't owned that and his actions prove he doesn't see it as his family.

That he is comfortable to be supported by a woman is another. A real man wouldn't be willing to have a woman support him.

That you and your children have never met his family is the biggest of all. All you know is what he tells you, are you sure he doesn't already have a family living with grandma? What is it he is afraid you will find out about him if you meet his family?

Another one that stands out, you aren't considered family, so you have no voice or opinions. Since his family doesn't know you, this is coming straight from him.

He is using you to play grown up, yet his every action speaks of a dutiful little boy. Not a role model I would recommend for young children. Your kids might not say anything but they know that he doesn't see them as family and that isn't an acceptable situation for them. Life is hard enough without that kind of emotional abuse.

Best of luck dealing with this situation.

So he is going to be caregiving for the next 20 years or more. Are you OK with that? And will he add more people to the caregiving rooster once these 3 die? Any other aunts, cousins, uncles he is going to feel obligated to care for?

Dear Happy or UnHappy,

You will need to make a hard decision now.
Do you want this man in your life 'as things are now' ?
Do you want him in your life if he doesn't change or if the situation (stressors he has with family) do not change?

He is clearly over-stressed and unable to make decisions that would ease his load/responsibilities. Does he know he needs to investigate county or medi-cal / medi-care support? or perhaps even legal advice (POA status, dealing with house the three of them live in.)
- He is making all this his responsibility, in part due to his feelings of guilt.
He needs to address these feelings with reality - to make decisions that ease his responsibilities.
- He needs to enlist help anyway he can. The question is: Will he?
[i.e., can't he hire a kid in the neighborhood to mow the lawn or do that kind of work/]

If he cannot or will not, you need to decide how you want to live.
As things sound / are now, you are going down with a sinking ship.

* It is heartbreaking to love someone who makes choices not in his best interest, or that of his primary relationship (you/your family).

* Perhaps if you give him boundaries and set clear limits on what you want and need, he will be 'encouraged' (pushed, cajoled, moved to make decisions he needs to make. In fairness to him, he may not have the mental wherewithal to do this.
* He needs counseling/some professional support.
Do any of the three have social workers? He needs to reach out for HELP. (AND not to you; he is already burning you out (as you allow it).

* He will not be able to maintain as he is now if he doesn't make some changes.

* The dynamics of the three of them in a house is explosive. Shouldn't be. Two adults with mental illness and a grandmother in need of care. If it is possible, presuming this is his / their home, he may need to sell it or take steps to be able to do that - to 1) place grandma in care facility and 2) get a caregiver / live-in to care for the other two.

I am not sure of the mental condition of grandma. Has she been assessed? Dementia?

Make decisions in the best interest of YOU and YOUR family.
You are your priority.

He may want to make changes and be unable to do it. This might be a 'tough love' situation where you need to accept his limitations and feel compassion for him - at a distance.

In addition, how he handles this stress now may be an alarm for how he may handle stressors in the future. With that said, I know - we all know here - how challenging and difficult caregiving / care management is. As I say, we are all in the same boat with different paddles. He is in a very difficult situation.

My heart goes out to both of you. Be firm with him. If you continue on as things are now, you are responsible to you and your family proceed as a result. I know you know this. Do not be blind sighted (sited?) by love. You must love yourself and your own kids first.

And, KNOW that with some distance now - as things move along, it might be possible for the two of you to get back together when the dynamics of the household (his) changes. Everything or mostly everything are shades of gray, not black or white. I believe though in this case what is black and white is how you decide to proceed.

Gena / Touch Matters

Consult with an area agency on aging and maybe even elder lawyer(s) and social workers for advice. This situation is out of control; your fiance has become a careslave to his relatives. It's wonderful he's been helpful for so long but there's only so much one person can do. You might also consult a relationship counselor to sort out priorities and proper boundaries/responsibilities. If you are 'breadwinner' but fiance has a job, things sound out of balance; and then there's all the time and energy commitments.

How things are now will only multiply if you actually became legally married to this man; you must protect yourself and your children. You can still love this person but you may not be able to live with him and this dysfunctional drama.
You can be supportive, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself, your integrity, your future to a disordered situation; the next step is professional help to get things sorted out for everyone's best outcomes.

Happytimes1982:

One reader perhaps mentioned or asked if your two children have child support from their father. Does not matter whether you work or not. Your children's future depends on financial assistance. Support makes it fair for your children's happiness, future and productivity. Your fiance cannot even support his own family, let alone add you and your kids. This is very hard, but it may be best to leave this relationship to move on.

Patathome01

If you resent him now (which is understandable, and just means you are giving too much), then, how much more will you resent him after he becomes your husband? I agree with many others who say "nix" on the marriage.

I just read one of your responses below and I have to say that on paper, the two of you don't strike me as a good match. There is an age difference, a financial difference and a difference in stage of life. I'm not sure what connected the two of you, but his resistance to finding a solution to his caregiving of three people will more than likely be the thing that ends your connection. He can't walk away from them or he has no retirement so he is in a pickle. It is more than likely going to happen anyways, but he can't see that or doesn't want to see that.

People think that relationships will be easier when you're older, but that's not true. When you're older you've got roots (jobs, children, elderly parents) things you can't just uproot or leave. Finding time to nurture a new marriage or relationship is hard. You've got to find someone who fits into your situation and you into theirs. You've got someone cleaning your house and he doesn't even have any health insurance. You two are not living the same life....

So he really has to come to the decision that he cannot take care of his family completely by himself. He needs to hire help, get Grandma into a care facility, and/or get those other two into the help they need. If you leave him alone with this, he'll just continue as he's doing. Since you seem at your wits end, tell him that it doesn't work for you anymore and he has to decide what he wants to do about you not putting up with it any longer. He decides, whether it's best for him or not, it is up to him. He can still help, but can't be everything for this trio.

Hi OP.

In the parlance of dating sites, you both came to this relationship with "baggage," that being your kids on the one side and his family on the other. You can't really expect him to care less for his family so he can care more for your offspring.

This is a situation where frankly both people should just cohabit. He is not going to be their daddy, and presumably real dad has a joint custody or some arrangement with you. Or should. You can't bail each other out of your obligations, and should not.

Happytimes1982: Imho, taking care of three individuals is too much on one person. It's no wonder no time exists for a relationship with you. I can't say that I blame you for wanting him to do more; ergo, wherein lies the time? This dynamic must be amended before crises occur.

If more pressure is added to his family, someone may get hurt or even die. Think carefully now before making a legally committed decision to marry into his family and his money problems.

I haven't read what others have said, but do you feel he will be able to put you and his children ahead of these other people? He has to be able to commit to that. And that's not, of course, every little thing, but being able to see where your health and well-being and that of the children is being affected. If not, please think carefully before proceeding. He has a kind heart, but these older people have had their chance at being front and center for years; your children need a place in the sun too.

You have a lot of decisions to make in the coming months but for now I would focus on the children. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, a wonderful night. How about
pizza for dinner? A surprise trip to the Dairy Queen? Bake cookies or make ice cream sundaes at home. Go look at Christmas lights? Candle light service at church? Make the kids feel as safe and secure as possible and not have family stuff get in the way. I am sure the kids are stressed by what is going on and they need to know they are loved no matter who is in your life.

You spelled it all out here and you know the right answer. Your fiance has no real plan in mind to do anything but take care of his own immediate family, which does not include you or your children. He has the right to do that, and you have the right to want more for yourself and your children than a man who's unavailable for you and your children. That's the bottom line.

It's time for you to move on now, without your fiance, unfortunately. When you meet the right person, you will know it because YOU and your children will be his prime focus. If he has elderly loved ones to care for, he'll be open to discussing other options with you for their care & management. He'll be willing to call in outside services to help them and not be their only source of care, their cleaning staff, their #1 hero on every single front, even when he has to forfeit his own income in order to do so. Your new man won't have a hero complex and insist on being all things to his family at all times, while neglecting his new family entirely. And shutting his fiance out of discussions she needs to be an equal part of. That's not how healthy relationships work. And your new partner will also have a good job and income so he can be an equal contributor to the household you'll share. You carrying 90% of the load financially isn't a good foundation for a healthy relationship either. That's bound to get real old real quick!

Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from this engagement and moving forward with your life.

This is far too much for one man to take on.....someone has to try to get this into his head. Arrangements must somehow be made to car for these people - either caretakers or placement - but his continuous caring will eventually destroy both of you and what you hoped were your future plans. If all attempts to get this issue resolved, then you must stop and think - yes, you love him but what is the cost of keeping this relationship. How long can you both last before doom hits you both. YOU should not be punished for what he is doing and feels he must do. Sit down and realistically try to find a good solution. If none appears, perhaps, hard as it is, it is time to move on so you still have a chance at a normal life. Every love (and I speak from experience) is worth the cost.

If his family is disabled and destitute, then they will be eligible for services through Medicaid. Your fiance needs to inquire about what services are available for his family members. Since you are a "professor" you may be able to make a couple of calls and assist your husband-to-be in finding assistance. Life is messy and caregiving for elders is often part of that life, the situation will become more complex as time goes on. If you are unwilling or unable to work with your fiance though the situation, it's time to get out of the relationship.

Thank you all for your helpful feedback and advice. I agree with most of what you all said and also the parts about hiring folks to help. I guess the main issue is that my fiancé feels guilty if he hires out others to help. I have brought this all up to him. We have a cleaning lady at our house, due to my crazy work schedule and high pressure job however he still goes there to clean. All three of his family members do have social security and disability, however they are very frugal with their money. My fiancé doesn't even have health insurance of his own. He seems to let himself suffer at the expense of everyone else. Its not an option for me to help his family, as I work a 60 hour week and have two children under 10. His family lives about 40 min from me and my children have very involved sports schedules (travel sports, etc). My children are my first priority. I am a professor at a university and work an hour from the college. Its a lot like everyone else on here. Theres just no extra time and no additional help on my end (unless I hire people) or his end with no other family members. His family is very worried about bringing additional people in the house with Covid as well so they are mentioning this constantly.

I feel resentful that I am financially pulling the weight here due to him taking off work when he takes his family to appointments. This isn't something me and him discussed its almost expected that I will just handle this.

His dad has depression and heart issues and can not do a lot of the work around the house. The uncle is mentally handicapped. Im not sure the extent of it (and I don't even think he does either). Theres constantly something that needs fixed around the house, as in most houses I think. Its hard to have two families to be involved in and thats what it feels like this is.

No we don't have plans to have kids of our own. When I said a family of his own I was referring to him being a step father to my children and us trying to establish ourselves as a family.

Lastly, grandmas house is in all three of their names (dads, uncles and finances). My fiancé doesn't have a solid retirement and I think is worried that if resources start dwindling with their care that he will not have this resource in the future. Honestly I think eventually this will happen anyway with his father and uncle needing care. I have a solid retirement myself and am in a much different financial place than my fiancé and his family. this worries me a lot. I also might add I am about 10 years younger than my fiancé.

I don't think my fiancé has bad intentions. He's not a bad guy. Its just a tough situation with me having small children, no family nearby and a very demanding career. If I was at a different place in my own life this may be more doable, but if it were my own family I would never be able to adequately take care of my kids and another family as he does. I think he does realize the situation but seems unable to find a good solution. When I suggest solutions, such as hiring outside help and creating a solid game plan, he gets either defensive or agrees but doesn't move forward with the plan. I have zero ability to help with this situation and I fear if I do he finds it to be controlling.

It feels like one crisis after another with no solid plans, and just waiting for the next crisis to happen. I would love to help create a plan for all of this, but unfortunately this is met with a ton of resistance. I feel bad and guilty as if I am insensitive towards all of this, because I genuinely understand his grandma is 96 and requires care. I think what bothers me the most is that our entire relationship is absorbed in this and he is unable to mentally move forward with his life at all due to the stress it causes on him. If he cared for them and was still able to joyfully live his life then it would be fine but he's honestly completely burnt out. And so am I.

No one person should have the care of 3 people. He may be disabling his Dad and Uncle by doing everything. A BiPolar, if tgats their problem, can mow a lawn and do some light cleaning. See if Grandma fits the criteria for Medicaid "in home" care. This way she gets aides and transportation to appts.

Call Office of Aging to see what services they have.

"when he is newly engaged trying to have a family of his own"

The last thing I would do is bring another child into this mix. I, for now, would find whatever services were available and put marriage on the back burner. If BF and grandmom are not accomodating, then I may just part ways. Believe us when we say, you do not want to get married when he has this kind of responsibility. If you marry, you are #1. With 2 people with mental health problems, Dementia maybe the next thing and you do not want to involve yourself in that. Plus, 2 close relatives with mental health issues. Is this hereditary? BiPolar is in my Dads family and I would not wish that on anyone.

Seems like you and your fiance' need more help with his dependent family members. Ask his family, his family's friends, members of faith community for help.

Worst case scenario - If you and he can not get more volunteer help, get paid help using his grandmother's, father's, and uncle's resources. If they do not have finances, help them to apply for federal and local aid. It may be that grandmother may have to go into a residential facility as well as father and uncle. Your fiance' may have to sell their home to help pay for their care.

Start a series of discussions about relationship expectations and time commitments. You and your children deserve his love and care. His family members also need care. Work together to create ways for him to be father and husband and caregiver.

If you Love him you would let him help out with his Family. His Grand Mother won't live for ever and Once she Passes he Maybe able to come up with another Plan for His Father and Uncle . You have 2 children of your Own who are not his . Where are their Biological father ? Does he pay child support ? Perhaps he would Like children . Give the guy a break . He maybe better off with a more understanding partner . It Maybe time to Let him Go .

I feel like he is playing wack-a-mole and just reacting to the needs of his dad, uncle and grandmother at the moment which is what most of us would do. With the grandmother's age of 96, she won't be around forever...although my mother in law will be 100 in march and still lives alone and drives... His dad and uncle could need care for the next 40 years. So, you're right in feeling like there is no end in sight.

You need to sit down with your fiance and have a deep conversation. Ask him what the long term plan will be for his family members. Ask him to think further ahead than next week. If his plan is to always be their caregiver, then you may have a decision to make. Explain to him that you were looking for a husband, a full time partner, someone to share the day with and the responsibilities of a household. If he is working full time and caregiving in his free time, that doesn't leave any time for him to devote to a new wife and household.

If he is open to finding other solutions for is family, he may need your assistance with that. For example finding out what dad, uncle and grandma qualify for. Filling out paperwork, maybe even orchestrating a move, getting a social worker involved. I am sure he is overwhelmed and not sure what solutions are possible. If you truly love him, help him. If he is not open to finding solutions and not open to your help, then you may have to make a decision that is best for you and your children and back out of the relationship.

You must realize that are his second priority. Do not expect him to change. It's up to you to decide to accept him the way he is, or you should start thinking about moving away from him. Remember, that we all are the masters of our own environment. Only you can change it, no one is going to do it for you.

One of my best friends observed:

"How can you expect others to change, when changing yourself is so hard to do?"


That has become my daily mantra in light of my husband's dementia, his nutty family and all the profound changes of the past seven months.

Think about your children, and what you want them to be when they are grown up. They come first.

Too much pressure and financial stress! This potential life does not have a good future for yourself and your two kids with your fiance's situation. Without help for his family, your future marriage will only make matters worse, not better. That is what an engagement is for, a period of decision before tying the knot. If you want to continue this relationship, seek professional help.

1st of l from experience, I do not blame Grandma for not wanting to go to a Nursing Home.
Nusing Homes are a Horrible place to live and she probably wouldn't last 6 months. They are all understaffed and never answer their call button.
All 3 of them are each collecting Social Security and or monthly checks.
Inoted of fiance doing everything, use their money to hire help for the yard work.

Use their money to have a cleaning service come clean the house once a week.

Check with their Insurance and sign up Grandma for Home Health where a Nurse will come by once a week and an Aide 3 times a week to help her with a bath/shower.

Use their money to have a Caregiver drop by a couple hrs every day.

It sounds like your fiance is a good man trying to take care of his family. You knew that about him when you met him.
Don't add more anxiety to his situation by useless complaining.

Try to find solutions instead.

Install a few Cameras in the home so fiance can keep in touch anytime 24 7 from his cell phone or lap top.

Praters that ya'll can figure this out.

If fiance father or grandfather was in the Military, they could get up to 30 hours a week Caregiver help.

Don't abandon your children, they deserve your full attention. You'll regret it because you won't get that time back. When my child was still at home he should have been my focus, not some angry control freak dad. Hard lesson learned. Your kids need to be protected from untreated mental illness. Your fiancé has probably been his family's answer to what ever needs to get done. You and the kids are invisible.
Your fiancé is a good man but you deserve someone who is available for you.
When I mean available I'm talking eloping to Las Vegas tonight available not in a few years down the road available.