My parents are both still alive but live 1500 miles away. I do visit as often as I can and the caregivers/ nurses for my mom are constantly in contact if anything happens. (She was moved to the Assisted wing of the complex they were living in (Independent apt). Dad took care of her for many years. He is in independent living still in the same complex and does share meals with mom occasionally. She has dementia that has progressed past the angry disagreeable stage into a more gentle quiet place. Being around her is difficult as she is in her own world and while sometimes talkative is usually just quiet. Dad is still active with golf and cards and his also aging club buddies, most of who have passed on. He plays with all the original bones in his body 9 holes of golf every day if weather allows. His mind seems sharper then my own sometimes! His Mac D is progressing slowly thanks to regular injections and he has found it difficult to drive so is weening himself onto uber and taxis. He is well off thankfully and expenses are not a problem although he does complain about it to me. He couldn't see mom's pills and was definitely caregiver burnout and she was "wandering" off the property so we had to move her for her own safety. She seems fine- we moved her almost 1/1/2 yrs ago. She is 92 and walker trots all over the place although she hasn't figured out where their old apt (and Dad) are within the complex (Which is a good thing). So his sadness is not some big clinical depression because he misses her, but the realization that his "life" is shrinking to those things he can still do. With the Mac D we have gotten him the big reader screens, books on tape, headphones for his TV ( he also has to wear hearing aids) and set the computer screen larger so he can follow the curser, and read his emails. As an independent businessman all his life he recently sold out of everything (2017) he had built in his life so as not to leave a mess for his children, which took away alot of his daily tasks. He went down from 18 holes 2-3 times a week to 9 holes 4 times a week this year so he does love to golf! Just needs a ball spotter to tell him his ball is in the middle of the fairway! He used to go south for winters but since my mom's illness has not been able to do this. Flying alone is also more difficult for him. Does anyone have any uplifting ideas for his birthday I could do or give him?
You expressed it much better than I have, but that's the reason I wrote the tribute back then. Even though he may wise-crack about it, I'm going to keep reminding him how important his presence and guidance was to me.
You're buddy is a EE and can't figure out a three-way switch? I think I would go back to the college and ask from my money back! :-)
Daddy did cry that day - only the third time ever in front of me. Apparently my determination to prove my independence in young adulthood had combined with my Dad's last defeat (when his dementia forced retirement) and conveyed to my father that I valued him less that some of my college professors or co-workers. His knowledge that I didn't even think they were in his league meant the world to him. I would spend the next decade or so telling him how I used what he taught me to accomplish my goals and he never grew tired of it; then his dementia ended all that.
I still believe the greatest gift you can give someone who has grown grandchildren and may be looking death in the eye is a testament that their life mattered, especially to the ones they loved the most.
I'm not a big proponent of creating things like "memory books," because they are painful reminders of life's losses. I'd rather create daily activities for the person to look forward to that help them live each day to the fullest. It can be something as simple as arranging for an informal "afternoon tea" with a special dessert that the person enjoys.
TNtechie, many years ago, I read "The Tribute" by Dennis Rainey (no, it has nothing to do with Hunger Games). That book, and "The Living Years", a popular tune at the time by Mike and the Mechanics, inspired me to write a letter to my parents thanking them for raising me and being great parents. Framed it and gave it to them for Christmas. It went over great then (over 20 years ago), but I'm not so sure I'd do something like that now that Dad's 90. He'd probably make a wise crack about getting started on his obituary already! If they are already depressed about aging, it might not go over so well.
Chocolate always works!
Also (since you mentioned depression) I remembered the book “Marking Time” by Herbert Rappaport which had an interesting approach to checking our own mental health. Very simply, draw a line representing your life. Let’s say for your father the line would go from birth to 100 or 110. You place a vertical line across the perpendicular one that would represent 91. Starting with birth you list significant events. Perhaps the births and deaths of loved ones, education or career milestones. Anniversaries or favorite moments or tragedies. The events of his life that stand out to him.
Now the hard part for one of advanced age or really any of us that are in a mental decline, listing the things yet to come. These would be listed on the right side of that mark between 91 and 110. Kind of a “bucket” list.
Hard because sometimes we think all the important moments have passed us by. We do have to take stock of what would be a good thing considering our limitations. Some examples might be births of grand or great grands he’s looking forward to. Education or career goals for those he follows or for himself. Perhaps a class he would like to take. A party for his golf pals. Having a family reunion. Significant sights while he still has his vision. Visiting his parents graves or other significant locations.
A planned perfect day such as Atul mentions in his book. Perhaps a vacation with you even if it is just for a couple of days. A reminder to yourself to enable your father to go ahead live whatever it is that he is living for. If it’s golf perhaps there is a course he always wanted to play or simply visit.
It sounds like he has lived a good life with an understandable decline in mood from losing your mom slowly and divesting himself of his responsibilities and perhaps loss of purpose with the lessening of those responsibilities and not having her as a constant companion. My goodness that is a lot to adjust to.
So I’m suggesting you help your dad live a good life all the way to the end as Atul Gawande would recommend.
Your mindset will help him achieve that. Reading “Being Mortal” will help with that and that’s a great gift to give your father. To enable well being. Him deciding what good days look like in his final chapter.
What is a good day for him? Start there. A solid conversation on this and other important questions Atul raises in his book would be a fabulous gift for any parent to have with their child. I know reading this book and listening to interviews on line by Atul makes me more mindful of my elders goals and my own life goals for the future.
So yes, celebrate the date but also help him look forward to living his future.
Not sure if they will help, so I will just throw them out there. :)
Local church choir to sing happy birthday and may be a couple of his favourite tunes?
OR
Local veteran band (or if he was in a service contact them) again to play Happy Birthday and a Memorial presentation?
For example: he always wanted to try skydiving. If he's up for actually doing it, then search out those "tandem" skydiving where one person is strapped onto a professeional. Or, if he's not up for doing it, then surprise him with a Virtual Reality phone/software of a skydive might help get understand how it might feel. (I can only guess if this would work with his eye issues, but it might) You can make a production of the event with trimming of a parachute, an old pilot's helmet, whatever is fun.
Anyway, talking with him about something he always wanted to do can be uplifting, especially if you can help him realize it--or something really close.
So far, Yak Tracks - we live in MN and Dad still prefers to walk outside whenever possible in spite of the weather. About 3 miles a day.
Thank you to all the people who belong to this discussion group. While much of it is very depressing, I have gotten more ideas and assistance from this group than ALL of the doctors and 'specialists' for both of my aging parents. Mom has moderate dimentia... Dad is a little forgetful, but a burned out caregiver. Moving them to assisted living, that has MC apartments in the complex for when the day comes.
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Make him a book with a chapter for each decade that you knew him (or since he was born, if you have good sources). Put in your memories of him in that decade. First time he took you to the circus, fishing, a trip to a national park, making pizza with him ... whatever good things you remember. Perhaps a summary of big events that decade -- vaccine for polio, man to moon, etc. If possible, illustrate with pictures from that decade.
Well, my Dad loved wine, we would drink only 4 oz a day, and he preferred the less expensive brands under $10 a bottle. So that made it easy for me, I would shop just price and find bottles of wine that Dad never tried. Thus, this made it so easy in Dad's later years buying him wine... he would say "I'll drink to that" :)
My Dad also had Mac D in one eye but it still made it tiring to read with the better eye. Dad did enjoy getting "Popular Mechanic, and "Popular Science" magazines. Not a subscription, just one of each picked up at the grocery store, that way Dad didn't feel like he had to rush to read the magazine.